A bit of shameless promoting here... please check out my new story, Marik And Disney Don't Mix! And if you like InuYasha, read my neechan WolfSisterJazlynn's story Boarding School of Doom, it's really funny!
Disclaimer: Ode to Lawyers: Roses are red, violets are blue, Yu-Gi-Oh! is not mine, so please don't sue.
Chapter Two: Bakura's Retarded "Plot"
Groan...And yes, I did actually think the word "groan". I didn't actually make a groaning sound, but I thought it. Hah! I have fooled you all!
...Wait...who am I talking to?
Anyway, Bakura has forced me to accompany him to his "secret and most hidden lair", which is nothing more than a freaking little kid's treehouse. He payed the kid for it in Pokémon cards. The sucker, doesn't he know Pokémon is out, and Yu-Gi-Oh! is in? Yes, I know, shameless promoting. And why did Bakura have merchandise from a rival show?
I've decided I don't really want to know. He wants to discuss his "diabolical and maniacal plans", which is building a giant boat/ship thingand taking one of every animal within a three block radius and cramming them onto said boat and then flooding the city. Brilliant, Bakura, just brilliant. You'd think a guy that's been around a few hundred years could come up with something a liiiitle bit eviler.
Heh, "eviler" is not actually a word, you see. So that makes it funny, because "eviler" is not gramatically correct. Why am I talking like I'm smart? I don't know. Why the hell did I just answer myself? I still don't know.
...I think Bakura is talking...let's listen, shall I? Eh...
"So, it's going to be you, me, and since I don't swing that way and we need females to reproduce and start a new population anyway, Angelina Jolie. Who are you taking?"
...Okay, I heard maybe four things in that sentence.
"Ano...huh?"
Man! Getting hit with a stick really fuckin' hurts! Bakura sits down and pulls out this bigass piece of raw meat and sorta gnaws on it like a rabid chipmunk.
I swear, the guy...entity?...scares the living Hell outta me.
...That made me sound like I should be in The Excorcist. Hell is living inside me...disturbing...
"Malik..." gnaw, gnaw, "you're drooling. And..." gnaw, gnaw, "Have you picked someone? No fat people, I don't have the room for them."
"Ano...nobody I want to come with me comes to mind, so I'll go with...that one chick that writes those weird Yu-Gi-Oh! stories. Ano...starts with a "K"..."
Hmm...I wonder if Bakura knows his left eye twitches alot. Fucking odd.
Dude, he just ate that entire raw steak.
"Do you want Mad Cow disease?" I ask him.
He grins weirdly at me and says, "I invented Mad Cow disease!"
"Really? 'Cause I invented the glue they use on the back of Post-its. And the question mark." I tell him.
What? Really, I did! See, I have proof!
I make the wavy arm things, cueing the Flashback segment.
Flashback
"Malik, what do you want!" Marik snapped, mad because his evil scheme speech had been interrupted.
Malik held up a piece of paper with a scribble on it.
"What in Ra's name is that?" Marik asked, raising an eyebrow.
It was a squiggle line thing with a dot underneath it.
"I shall dub it Question Mark!" Malik announced, striking the Superman pose.
Marik was thousands of years old, and even he knew the question mark was already invented. Sometimes he wondered about his hikari's sanity, since he had none to worry about himself.
"O...kay...you do that. Now take your primative scribbles somewhere else."
Malik glared at his yami and clutched the paper to his chest protectively.
"How dare you say it's primative scribble! Clearly, it's a cow!"
Marik stared at his hikari, then turned back to his "I'm Going To Take Over The World And Make The Pharoh Into A Subservient Footstool And Make Téa Court Jester Then Feed Her To The Lions! MUAHAHAHA!" speech.
End Flashback
Bakura is giving me the "you're a complete baka, and should be eradicated" look. Everyone gives me that look. I hate that look! Stop giving me that look!
"I've lost all respect for you." He says.
I didn't know he respected me before...And who's he to talk? He likes raw meat, he's a blood fetishist, and he looks like an albino that fell into a tub of bleach! And why is he so pale? He's Egyptian! Egyptians aren't pale! But here he is, Captain Peroxide in all his shiney white glory!
"Likewise." I reply to his 'respect' comment.
OH! Check the oven, Bakura, 'cause your cookies are so BURNT! How do you like them baked brownies? Get some ice for that BURN!
...Okay, I think I've made it clear that I totally BURNED Bakura. Well, come on, how often is it that I do something smart?
Bakura pulls this big rolled-up scroll out of his shirt. I've always wondered how people do that. Like, they have this bigass object in their shirt or pocket, and there's no indication that it's there...Weird, ne?...
Anyway, he lays it out in between us, and it's a crude drawing of a ship...boat?...
He points to a stick figure with really spikey hair and a maniacal grin; it also has a cape thing on him. It's also wearing a crown on it's head.
"That's me." He explains.
Then he points to another stick thing that appears to be dangling another figure over the edge of the boat/ship thing.
"Know who they are?" He asks.
"Ano...Michal Jackson?" I reply. That's what it looks like...
Bakura smacks me upside my head, shouting English obscenities. How'd he learn English?
"That's Marik, and the thing he's about to dispose of is that vile Téa mutant."
"Oh..."
Then he points to two other figures. One has spikey hair and it seems to be shoveling food into its mouth.
"That's Ryou, since I can't leave him..." He says.
Then there's this figure with spikey hair...man, alot of characters on this show have spikey hair...and it seems to be sleeping, judging by the little 'zZzZz...' bubble above it.
"And that would be you." He states the bloody obvious.
"Okay, so you're gonna flood the city, but you're gonna save one of every animal within three blocks of us." I say.
"That's the plan." He says boredly, getting out another raw meat product...I think it's bacon...and chewing on it.
"But then, how will the animals reproduce if there's only one of each?"
"One word: Crossbreeding." He says.
"That's two words!"
"No, it's a compound word, grammar genius." He sneers.
"Well, so? Where are the women, by the way?" I try to ignore his previous comment.
"Down in the ship, I guess."
"Okay, I get all that, but...how will we all fit into that tiny thing?" I ask him, pointing to the drawing.
He yells something very rude in Egyptian and kicks me...literally...out of the treehouse, which is like forty feet in the air...
On the way down, I can hear him singing "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow, it's only a day away...",...In German...
Luckily, something brakes my fall. I get up and brush myself off. Then I turn around to thank whatever I landed on.
Oh...no...kuso...it's...
"Malik! How dare you land on me and my friend's friendship! Our bond is stronger than your evil plotting schemes!" The Ti witch yells.
I run from the "Friendship and Love" hag, trying to get as far away from it as possible.
But it's too late; my ears have melted.
Again, I know it sucks. Gomen nasai. Please send me ideas, 'cause I'm out. Review too!
