This was requested. Oh yeah.
Trouser Snake
Fox meets FOX
(1968, Vietnam...)
A jet flies over Vietnamese jungle.
Inside... the Major is briefing Big Boss.
Major Zero: This is a sneaking mission. Know what that means?
Big Boss: I'm going to get betrayed, tortured, beaten, stabbed, molested and be forced to eat various wild animals. Constantly.
Major Zero: Good. Now, what time is it?
Big Boss: Uh, about 5 o'clock.
The major slaps Big Boss across the face.
Big Boss: What the hell was that for!
Major Zero: Wrong! That's the American time. Slip ups like that can get you killed on the field.
Big Boss: Slapping a man with a permit to kill can too.
Major Zero: Licence.
Big Boss: What?
Major Zero: The line is 'licence to kill'. And you call yourself a fan of James Bond?
Big Boss: No, I don't. You do. You're wearing the watch.
Major Zero: Major motion picture watches are highly fashionable, I assure you.
Big Boss: Then I should strut around with a damn Wizard of Oz wristwatch?
Major Zero: As a friend, I promise to slap you if you ever try that.
Big Boss: Thanks, you made my mission.
Major Zero: Now spread your wings and fly!
Big Boss: What!
The major opens the hatch and watches Big Boss get thrown out of the jet.
Big Boss: MAJOOOOR!
He tumbles out of view. Para-Medic walks in.
Para-Medic: I got the parachute for you!
Major Zero: You have the parachute!
Para-Medic: Hey, where did Snake go?
Major Zero: He's, uh, off to the washroom.
Para-Medic: Oh, that guy. He doesn't even realize that there's no washroom on a jet.
Major Zero: I'll be sure to chastize him for you.
(Vietnam... uh, soil)
Big Boss manages to roll onto his back and get on the radio.
Big Boss: Ugh, Para-Medic...
Para-Medic: Snake?
Big Boss: Big Boss...
Para-Medic: Sorry, what was that?
Big Boss: The name... is Big Boss...
Para-Medic: Oh, right. Sorry! I forgot. So, did you get lost looking for the 'crapper'?
Big Boss: Oh, yeah! I was looking for a goddamn shitter while falling to what I thought was my own fucking doom! Dumbass!
Para-Medic: What the hell are you talking about? Now hurry up and get your parachute.
Big Boss: No can do.
Para-Medic: Don't tell me you're stupid enough to dive out of a jet without a parachute?
Big Boss: I didn't dive. I fell.
Para-Medic: You... OH MY GOD! Are you okay?
Big Boss: Fine, just fine.
Para-Medic: Oh, good. I was worried about you for a minute there.
Big Boss: Remind me to hang a photo of you over my dartboard, okay?
Para-Medic: You were being sarcastic, weren't you?
Big Boss: No, I managed to tranquillize a damn cheeseburger and wanted a second opinion on whether or not it's edible.
Para-Medic: Oh, Snake, you can't-
Big Boss: Big Boss.
Para-Medic: What was that?
Big Boss: The name.
Para-Medic: Sorry, I guess old habits die hard, eh?
Big Boss: You can't be serious.
Para-Medic: Haven't you ever done something unconsciously because you were used to it?
Big Boss: I was Naked Snake for two weeks. I've been the Big Boss for four damn years.
Para-Medic: First impressions last.
Big Boss: Look, I just fell out of a moving vehicle. A flying, moving vehicle. I need medical attention.
Para-Medic: Alright Snake, but you have to visit me in Seattle sometime, alright? I'm working on the nations first para-medic system.
Big Boss: Sure. Now, about the medical attention..?
Para-Medic: Ah HA! I knew it!
Big Boss: What?
Para-Medic: I called you Snake and you didn't even notice.
Big Boss: I noticed, but I really don't care anymore.
Para-Medic: Sure you didn't. See? Habits die hard. Call me if you need me!
Para-Medic hangs up.
Big Boss: Bullshit..?
He dials her back up.
Para-Medic: Oh, calling me again so soon? It's pretty lonely without me, isn't it?
Big Boss: I... NEED... FUCKING HELP.
Para-Medic: Oh, god Snake! You're pretty banged up!
Big Boss: I hope you die.
Para-Medic: Okay, you'd better use a ration to heal yourself.
Big Boss: I've got serious injuries, and you want me to eat a ration?
Para-Medic: Oh, Snake...
Big Boss: What's with the condescending tone?
Para-Medic: You don't eat rations, you use them to heal your LIFE gauge.
Big Boss: I thought we were using the Snake Eater system for injuries?
Para-Medic: Are we? Hold on, I'll check.
She hangs up.
Big Boss: I hate my job... if I wasn't getting so much head...
Para-Medic calls him up.
Para-Medic: My bad. Alright, use a splint, your knife, and a shot of morphine. In that order.
Big Boss: Not much of a problem, but one little thing?
Para-Medic: Shoot.
Big Boss: I don't have my gear, I lost my knife in a bet to that Campbell guy who just joined, and you wouldn't let me carry morphine around on me.
Para-Medic: Oh, right. Well, you can always reset the bone by hand.
Big Boss: Why the hell would I need a knife for that?
Para-Medic: Sometimes it's good to see where the break is.
Big Boss: I don't need to see it to know where it is.
Para-Medic: Sure you don't, you big CIA agent, you.
Big Boss: Don't baby me.
He hangs up and snaps his arm back into place.
Big Boss: AH! Damn..!
He starts to leave, then stops.
Big Boss: Wait a minute...
He dials up the major.
Big Boss: Major.
Major Zero: Ah! You're alright then?
Big Boss: Yup.
Major Zero: Good. Now get to work! You're on a time limit!
Big Boss: Time limit? What the hell are you talking about?
Major Zero: Where the bloody hell were you doing the briefing?
Big Boss: You jettisoned me.
Major Zero: Right you are. Care to hear what you're up to?
Big Boss: There's the off chance it might help.
Major Zero: First, you have to meet up with an agent named Fox.
Big Boss: Aren't we the FOX?
Major Zero: No, no. You have it all wrong. FOX unit is an abbreviation, all in capitals. The man you're meeting up with is Fox, as in the animal.
Big Boss: But it's just a codename, right?
Major Zero: How the bloody hell would I know? The wanker's Vietnamese.
Big Boss: The time limit?
Major Zero: Right. The US is itching to use a Nuclear Arm again, so if you don't complete the mission, we're sending the whole country to flavour town.
Big Boss: The US is going to do WHAT!
Major Zero: Oh, my mistake.
Big Boss: Thank GOD...
Major Zero: Send the whole country to hell. I knew I shouldn't have applied for that job at Malboro.
Big Boss: ... you can't be serious.
Major Zero: Unfortunately, I am.
Big Boss: There's no way the UN would permit a nuclear arm fired on a country that doesn't even pose a threat!
Major Zero: The UN? Ha! We'll show them that there can be only one political force with two letter initials!
Big Boss: How long do I have!
Major Zero: Four months.
Big Boss: ... months?
Major Zero: Yes, months.
Big Boss: Well, I won't have to worry about the time limit. Why am I here again?
Major Zero: That blow to your head must have done some damage. eh?
Big Boss: I didn't land on my head. You just didn't tell me my mission objectives.
Major Zero: Actually, as I remember it, I did.
Big Boss: Major!
Major Zero: Can't blame a man for trying, eh?
Big Boss: Hurry up already.
Major Zero: Right. Some USSR bound nuclear warheads were hijacked by Vietnam, and we fear they may have the knowledge to use them.
Big Boss: Who the hell would send the Soviets a shipment of nukes?
Major Zero: China. Apparently some Chinese general lost a bet to Brezhnev and had to hand some over.
Big Boss: How would Vietnam get involved?
Major Zero: Apparently China thought it would be quicker to send it through Vietnam.
Big Boss: That's a load of crap. China shares a border with the USSR!
Major Zero: Snake! You have to get those nukes out of the country!
Big Boss: Where are they?
Major Zero: No idea. Meet Fox for more information.
Big Boss: The Fox, got it.
He hangs up.
Big Boss: Why the hell does everyone call me Snake?
He sets out.
(Jet)
Para-Medic is talking to Sigint.
Sigint: What does that mean?
Para-Medic: It means I think I'm pregnant with Snake's baby.
Sigint: Hate to say it, but the two of you haven't even bumped into each other. And he's sterile.
Para-Medic: It can still happen!
Sigint: No it can't!
Para-Medic: Oh yeah? Then why is it that there's a photo of me in his wallet?
Sigint: How did you end up with the man's wallet?
Para-Medic: Oh, it was with all his other stuff.
Sigint: You mean the man doesn't even have his gear!
(Vietnam)
Big Boss stops by a tree with a sing nailed to it.
Big Boss: Ameriken solgers... and an arrow pointing left?
He looks around for a second, then tears the sign off the tree and pins it to a tree behind him.
Big Boss: That'll confuse the damn Germans. Amerikens, huh? Damn krauts!
He wanders out into the open, keeping a look out for soldiers. He gets a call from Sigint.
Sigint: Hey, Snake!
Big Boss: Its Big Boss, bastard.
Sigint: Don't be racist.
Big Boss: Uh, why do I bother?
Sigint: Shit, man! I was just messing around.
Big Boss: Why the hell are you calling me? All I've got on me is a handgun.
Sigint: As THE expert on your gear, I've got one thing to say.
Big Boss: What's that?
Sigint: Heads up.
He hangs up.
Big Boss: What?
He looks up and sees his gear dropping towards him.
Big Boss: Shit!
He dives out of the way in time.
Big Boss: Well, looks like I'm not totally naked anymore.
He gears up and takes a look around on his scope. He spots a solider off in the distance taking a leak.
Big Boss: Time to see if I can still do this.
He climbs a tree and sets his sights on the lone soldier. The Major gives him a call.
Major Zero: Oh, and Snake?
Big Boss: Gimme a second...
He blows the man's head off.
Big Boss: Shoot.
Major Zero: We planted a transmitter in you. This Fox fellow should be looking for you around now.
Big Boss: Right.
Major Zero: Oh, and if you kill anyone, make sure to hide the body really well.
Big boss: Major... this is a war. Who the hell will notice one more soldier missing?
Major Zero: Them...
Big Boss: The Philosophers?
Major Zero: No. Space invaders.
Big Boss: ... I'll call if I need anything.
He hangs up and wanders some more, smoking.
Voice: Hey! You the American?
Big Boss turns around and sees a half Vietnamese child.
Big Boss: Uh, I'm AN American.
Boy: The Big Boss?
Big Boss: I'm your man. Who the hell are you.
Boy: My name's Frank Jaeger. You can call me... Fox.
Big Boss: You're the Fox?
Fox: That's what I said. Christ.
Big Boss: So, uh... hi. Want a chocolate?
Fox: Don't patronize me.
He offers Fox a chocolate.
Fox: ... bastard.
Fox eats the chocolate.
Big Boss: You have information for me.
Fox: Yup. But first things first...
Big Boss: Uh, sure.
Fox: You have to do a little job for me.
Big Boss: Don't tell me you want me to save you from forced labour.
Fox: Yup.
Big Boss: Kid... I like you. This is the starting of a marvellous father/son relationship.
Fox: What if you actually do have kids?
Big Boss: I'll mistreat them as homosexuals and pansies.
Fox: Sweet.
TBC
