Trouser Snake The Big Boss Gets His Eatings
(Vietnam, small village)
Big Boss: This is it, eh?
Fox: Yup.
It's a small village where half whites are discriminated against and used as slaves.
Fox: Home sweet home.
He takes a shot of whiskey.
Big Boss: Drinking already? You can't even be 10.
Fox: In Vietnam, you can start drinking the day you become an old man's bitch.
An old man walks by and waves to Fox.
Old Man: Oh, herro rittre Fox!
Fox shudders.
Big Boss: That was... weird.
He gets a call.
Big Boss: Hold on a minute.
Para-Medic: Oh, Snake, I...
Big Boss: Big Boss... the name is Big Boss...
Para-Medic: Sorry, I keep forgetting. So...
Big Boss: ...
Para-Medic: ...
Big Boss: You called me. What the hell do you want?
Para-Medic: Huh? Oh, right! I called to tell you something about the little man.
Big Boss: When I need advice on my sterile penis, I'll ask.
Para-Medic: Snake, I meant the child.
Big Boss: I have two things to say.
Para-Medic: Let's hear them.
Big Boss: First and foremost, as always, it's Big Boss. If you can't wrap your mind around it, call me BB. Second...
Para-Medic: Second?
Big Boss: How do you think he tastes?
Para-Medic: WHAT? You can't be serious! That's just inhuman!
Big Boss: I was just joking. What about the kid?
Para-Medic: Well, he's obviously malnourished.
Big Boss: Looks like it.
Para-Medic: He's drinking at an inconceivably young age, his liver won't be around much longer.
Big Boss: Can't. His body won't be able to take it.
Para-Medic: He appears to have muscle lesions... which isn't good at all.
Big Boss: He's a slave, they don't treat him so good.
Para-Medic: Snake, he's in worse shape then you were after that fall in Virtuous Mission.
Big Boss: That's a fairly good estimate. All except one minor thing.
Para-Medic: You're going to chastize me for calling you Snake, aren't you?
Big Boss: I am.
Para-Medic: Snake, help Fox!
Big Boss: Right, right.
He hangs up.
Fox: I heard you mention 'slave' and 'sterile penis...' That the wife?
Big Boss: I wish. Woman's got an ass that practically begs to get grabbed.
Fox: ...
Big Boss: Anyway, looks like I'm going to have to fix you up before we can proceed with the mission.
Fox: My colon isn't shattered, if you must know.
Big Boss: Not only am I impressed with your vocabulary, you just made me queasy.
Fox offers him some whiskey. Big Boss takes a shot.
Big Boss: That's better. Alright, let's start with that.
He knocks back the rest of the whiskey.
Fox: Hey! American bastard! That was all I had left.
Big Boss: Para-Medic says you shouldn't drink.
Fox: Para-Medic can stuff an umbrella up her ass.
Big Boss get's a call.
Big Boss: This is Big Boss.
Para-Medic: Did he just say what I thought he said?
Big Boss: To go stuff an umbrella up your ass.
Para-Medic: ...
Big Boss: That was what you heard, right? I could put him on if you want to hear it from the horse's mouth.
The Major pops in.
Major: Dammit Snake, that whiskey took effect already. You shouldn't drink on a mission.
Big Boss: What are you talking about?
Major: He's a Fox, not a horse!
Para-Medic: ...
Big Boss: ...
Major: Well, since that's in order, I'll resume my tea.
He hangs up.
Para-Medic: That was... odd.
Sigint: Why the hell doesn't anyone call me? I felt useless back in Snake Eater.
Big Boss: It's because no one wanted to know why the raindrop camo looked like it would work in the rain, you useless bastard.
Sigint: Well, that does make since. Oh, and since no one cares anymore, you can call me Donald.
Big Boss: Donald? That's a pretty good name.
Donald: Donald Anderson. I'm the only recurring black man in the Metal Gear series.
Big Boss: If you are the DARPA chief, that makes you one of two. Nah, that can't be right.
Donald: Ain't you never beat Snake Eater?
Big Boss: Well, yeah.
Para-Medic: It did mention you joined ARPA net at the end of the game...
Big Boss: Huh, so the pieces fit.
Fox joins the conversation.
Fox: Are you going to fix me up, or are you going to be a useless, one eyed bastard?
Para-Medic: Ah, Snake!
Big Boss: My name's not Snake!
Para-Medic: He's adorable. Be sure to bring him home with you after the mission!
Big Boss: Like... as a pet?
Fox: The name may be Fox, but I'm not a damn animal.
Donald: I dunno, that sounds somewhat useless. He isn't THAT cute after all.
Fox: ... cute, eh?
Big Boss: Besides, maybe he likes being a slave.
Fox puts on his most adorable voice.
Fox: Could I have some more chocolate, PWEASE?
Para-Medic: Oh, God! He's the cutest thing ever!
Fox: Thing?
Big Boss: All right, I'll bring him home for you. Now can I PLEASE get back to the mission?
Para-Medic: Not unless you say it.
Big Boss: ... no.
Para-Medic: Did you know that dung beetles can grow up to a size of –
Big Boss: Fine! Damn... Can I PWEASE (God I hate my job) get back to the mission?
Para-Medic: Alright! Have a nice mission!
Donald: God, you just embarrassed the entire team.
Big Boss: (nonsensical grumbling)
He hangs up.
Fox: Hurry up with the fixing.
Big Boss: Right, right.
He enters the survival viewer and patches up Fox.
Fox: Huh, that's better. I don't feel like dying anymore.
Big Boss: How badly a degree of dying?
Fox: Dip my entire torso into a vat of sulfuric acid quickly, pulling myself out, waiting for it to stop eating my flesh and repeating the process to the point of death.
Big Boss: That's quite the death.
Fox: That it is. About the food?
Big Boss: Well, your stamina bar is fairly high up, seeing as I just fed you some chocolate. But, you do need some actual food. Here, take this.
Big Boss offers a Calorie Mate.
Fox: Calorie Mate, eh? What is it?
Big Boss: It's a well balanced diet food with all the necessary nutrients for a good day.
Fox: What the hell is wrong with food nowadays?
Big Boss: Or...
He offers a chicken he stole.
Fox: Thank God!
He eats it. Moderate stamina boost.
Fox: Hmm, that's great!
Big Boss: That ought to patch you up for a bit.
Fox: Now, about the slavery?
Big Boss: Huh, right.
He equips a stun grenade and a cigar.
Big Boss: Watch the master at work. HEY! EVERYBODY!
Vietnamese Man: (random Vietnamese crap)
Big Boss lobs the stun grenade and turns around. It explodes. The small populace of the village is blinded.
Fox: ARG! My damn eyes!
Big Boss: That was a flashbang, watching it explode is not the smartest of things to do.
Fox: You told me to watch the master at work, you stupid white bastard!
Big Boss: Better you can't see.
He equips the M37.
Big Boss: Welcome to the jungle;
We got fun 'n' games;
We got everything you want;
Honey we know the names;
We are the people that can find;
Whatever you may need ;
If you got the money honey;
We got your disease.
He proceeds to blow away the village.
(On the Jet)
Donald: So, what do you think of the new me?
Para-Medic: I think you're a very talented individual who can make his own way in life.
Para-Medic's Noggin: That'll shut the useless bastard up.
Donald: Good. Because I'm quitting this lazy ass job and making my own way in life.
Para-Medic: Good on you! You'll be great, just wait and see!
Para-Medic's Noggin: I am such a stupid bitch...
Donald: I will! That's Para-Medic, I really owe you one.
He leaves the command deck.
Para-Medic: Oh, shit...
Major: Well, you can either find a replacement or get the hell kicked off the bloody jumbo jet within an hour. I bid you good luck.
He proceeds to sip tea.
Para-Medic: Perfect...
(Vietnam)
Fox leads Big Boss through some wilderness.
Fox: Wait!
Big Boss: Enemy infantry?
Fox: No...
A rabbit hops out of the wilderness and stares at them. It twitches it's ears.
Fox: Ah, it's a beautiful piece of nature.
The rabbit is blown away.
Big Boss: I hope it's as delicious as it is beautiful.
Fox shakes his head.
Fox: I was told you'd eat anything that moves, but this?
Big Boss: Hey, look. That was a mother rabbit. Look at all the innocent babies.
Fox: Really?
They are all blown to shreds. Fox gapes at an M37 wielding Big Boss.
Big Boss: It sure is easy when they all huddle together in fear like that.
Fox: You, my good sir, are a ruthless bastard.
Gunfire hails down on them.
Fox: And you managed to get the attention of the Vietcong army.
Big Boss: Ah, shut up.
He equips the XM16E and dives behind a tree.
Big Boss: Duck and cover!
Fox: Why do I bother defecting?
He dives behind a collapsed tree.
Big Boss: Bribes of chocolate, and cute dieticians.
Fox: (ignoring the gunfire) Is she really a dietician?
Big Boss: Well, she's an off field medical advisor... I guess.
Fox: ...
Big Boss: She bitches every time I try to eat an innocent animal.
Fox: Ah, a hippy.
Big Boss: Like a hippy, but she won't give me any free love.
Fox: What a lousy hippy.
Big Boss: Hold on a sec...
He lobs a couple smoke bombs into the infantry's general direction and equips the thermal goggles.
Fox: Prepared, aren't you?
Big Boss: I'm prepared for nuclear winter.
Fox: ...
Big Boss: I'm wearing two pairs of boxers.
Fox: Ah.
Big Boss jumps out, firing wildly.
Big Boss: AAHH!
Fox: Crazy half blind...
He gets a call.
Fox: Wha..? Uh, hello?
Para-Medic: Hi!
Fox: Oh, you... what?
Para-Medic: Well, I called Snake and didn't get an answer, so...
Fox: He's killing right now.
Para-Medic: Did you remind him that this is a sneaking mission?
Fox: No. I didn't even know that it was a sneaking mission.
Para-Medic: Didn't he tell you anything?
Fox: His name, I guess.
Para-Medic: Well, tell him to give me a call when he's free.
Fox: Right. Uh, about him...
Para-Medic: What?
Fox: Is it normal for him to kill an innocent rabbit?
Para-Medic: Pretty usual stuff.
Fox: Then massacre all of its babies for no apparent reason and not even carry them around as food?
Para-Medic: He did what!
Fox: Then he made a comment about it too... something about it being easy.
Para-Medic: ... oh... my... God...
Fox: That's a no, then?
Para-Medic: ...
Fox: I'll get him to call you.
He hangs up. Big Boss struts over.
Big Boss: So... I'm, uh, done... yeah.
Fox: You're wasted, aren't you?
Big Boss: Well, to put it as simply as possible...
Fox: ...
Big Boss: Huh?
Fox: That's what I thought. Give Para-Medic a call.
Big Boss: Alright! That chick is HOT!
He calls Para-Medic.
Big Boss: Hey, sexy...
Para-Medic: Don't you dare start that, you sick bastard!
Big Boss: Tell me when I can, cause I ain't gonna understand shit all you say.
Para-Medic: You're sloshed, aren't you?
Big Boss: No.
Para-Medic: You killed innocent animals! BABY ANIMALS!
Big Boss: They had it coming. The mom died, they would have, uh...
Para-Medic: Starved?
Big Boss: Yeah, I'm a bit hungry. Don't worry about me though, I'll chow down on that rabbit later.
Para-Medic: You know what? Forget it. Say hello to your new weapons specialist!
Big Boss: My who?
She hangs up. A man gets on.
Man: Hello, Big Boss. It's been a couple fics, huh?
Big Boss: You... you're that anime loving guy who always hangs around my sonses...
Man: ... you're tanked, aren't you?
Big Boss: Well I ain't SOBER!
Man: Don't get screaming at me... never mind. I think you meant Otacon there.
Big Boss: Not the nerd, the dude with the shotgun... Blizzard?
Blizrun: It's Blizrun. Nice to see you a bit younger.
Big Boss: A bit? Hell, this ain't a bit! Ladies'll be all upons when I'm home... getting home... hungry.
Blizrun: Riiight... Call me if you need anything.
TBC
