Trouser Snake The Big Boss Gets His Eatings

(Vietnam, small village)

Big Boss: This is it, eh?

Fox: Yup.

It's a small village where half whites are discriminated against and used as slaves.

Fox: Home sweet home.

He takes a shot of whiskey.

Big Boss: Drinking already? You can't even be 10.

Fox: In Vietnam, you can start drinking the day you become an old man's bitch.

An old man walks by and waves to Fox.

Old Man: Oh, herro rittre Fox!

Fox shudders.

Big Boss: That was... weird.

He gets a call.

Big Boss: Hold on a minute.

Para-Medic: Oh, Snake, I...

Big Boss: Big Boss... the name is Big Boss...

Para-Medic: Sorry, I keep forgetting. So...

Big Boss: ...

Para-Medic: ...

Big Boss: You called me. What the hell do you want?

Para-Medic: Huh? Oh, right! I called to tell you something about the little man.

Big Boss: When I need advice on my sterile penis, I'll ask.

Para-Medic: Snake, I meant the child.

Big Boss: I have two things to say.

Para-Medic: Let's hear them.

Big Boss: First and foremost, as always, it's Big Boss. If you can't wrap your mind around it, call me BB. Second...

Para-Medic: Second?

Big Boss: How do you think he tastes?

Para-Medic: WHAT? You can't be serious! That's just inhuman!

Big Boss: I was just joking. What about the kid?

Para-Medic: Well, he's obviously malnourished.

Big Boss: Looks like it.

Para-Medic: He's drinking at an inconceivably young age, his liver won't be around much longer.

Big Boss: Can't. His body won't be able to take it.

Para-Medic: He appears to have muscle lesions... which isn't good at all.

Big Boss: He's a slave, they don't treat him so good.

Para-Medic: Snake, he's in worse shape then you were after that fall in Virtuous Mission.

Big Boss: That's a fairly good estimate. All except one minor thing.

Para-Medic: You're going to chastize me for calling you Snake, aren't you?

Big Boss: I am.

Para-Medic: Snake, help Fox!

Big Boss: Right, right.

He hangs up.

Fox: I heard you mention 'slave' and 'sterile penis...' That the wife?

Big Boss: I wish. Woman's got an ass that practically begs to get grabbed.

Fox: ...

Big Boss: Anyway, looks like I'm going to have to fix you up before we can proceed with the mission.

Fox: My colon isn't shattered, if you must know.

Big Boss: Not only am I impressed with your vocabulary, you just made me queasy.

Fox offers him some whiskey. Big Boss takes a shot.

Big Boss: That's better. Alright, let's start with that.

He knocks back the rest of the whiskey.

Fox: Hey! American bastard! That was all I had left.

Big Boss: Para-Medic says you shouldn't drink.

Fox: Para-Medic can stuff an umbrella up her ass.

Big Boss get's a call.

Big Boss: This is Big Boss.

Para-Medic: Did he just say what I thought he said?

Big Boss: To go stuff an umbrella up your ass.

Para-Medic: ...

Big Boss: That was what you heard, right? I could put him on if you want to hear it from the horse's mouth.

The Major pops in.

Major: Dammit Snake, that whiskey took effect already. You shouldn't drink on a mission.

Big Boss: What are you talking about?

Major: He's a Fox, not a horse!

Para-Medic: ...

Big Boss: ...

Major: Well, since that's in order, I'll resume my tea.

He hangs up.

Para-Medic: That was... odd.

Sigint: Why the hell doesn't anyone call me? I felt useless back in Snake Eater.

Big Boss: It's because no one wanted to know why the raindrop camo looked like it would work in the rain, you useless bastard.

Sigint: Well, that does make since. Oh, and since no one cares anymore, you can call me Donald.

Big Boss: Donald? That's a pretty good name.

Donald: Donald Anderson. I'm the only recurring black man in the Metal Gear series.

Big Boss: If you are the DARPA chief, that makes you one of two. Nah, that can't be right.

Donald: Ain't you never beat Snake Eater?

Big Boss: Well, yeah.

Para-Medic: It did mention you joined ARPA net at the end of the game...

Big Boss: Huh, so the pieces fit.

Fox joins the conversation.

Fox: Are you going to fix me up, or are you going to be a useless, one eyed bastard?

Para-Medic: Ah, Snake!

Big Boss: My name's not Snake!

Para-Medic: He's adorable. Be sure to bring him home with you after the mission!

Big Boss: Like... as a pet?

Fox: The name may be Fox, but I'm not a damn animal.

Donald: I dunno, that sounds somewhat useless. He isn't THAT cute after all.

Fox: ... cute, eh?

Big Boss: Besides, maybe he likes being a slave.

Fox puts on his most adorable voice.

Fox: Could I have some more chocolate, PWEASE?

Para-Medic: Oh, God! He's the cutest thing ever!

Fox: Thing?

Big Boss: All right, I'll bring him home for you. Now can I PLEASE get back to the mission?

Para-Medic: Not unless you say it.

Big Boss: ... no.

Para-Medic: Did you know that dung beetles can grow up to a size of –

Big Boss: Fine! Damn... Can I PWEASE (God I hate my job) get back to the mission?

Para-Medic: Alright! Have a nice mission!

Donald: God, you just embarrassed the entire team.

Big Boss: (nonsensical grumbling)

He hangs up.

Fox: Hurry up with the fixing.

Big Boss: Right, right.

He enters the survival viewer and patches up Fox.

Fox: Huh, that's better. I don't feel like dying anymore.

Big Boss: How badly a degree of dying?

Fox: Dip my entire torso into a vat of sulfuric acid quickly, pulling myself out, waiting for it to stop eating my flesh and repeating the process to the point of death.

Big Boss: That's quite the death.

Fox: That it is. About the food?

Big Boss: Well, your stamina bar is fairly high up, seeing as I just fed you some chocolate. But, you do need some actual food. Here, take this.

Big Boss offers a Calorie Mate.

Fox: Calorie Mate, eh? What is it?

Big Boss: It's a well balanced diet food with all the necessary nutrients for a good day.

Fox: What the hell is wrong with food nowadays?

Big Boss: Or...

He offers a chicken he stole.

Fox: Thank God!

He eats it. Moderate stamina boost.

Fox: Hmm, that's great!

Big Boss: That ought to patch you up for a bit.

Fox: Now, about the slavery?

Big Boss: Huh, right.

He equips a stun grenade and a cigar.

Big Boss: Watch the master at work. HEY! EVERYBODY!

Vietnamese Man: (random Vietnamese crap)

Big Boss lobs the stun grenade and turns around. It explodes. The small populace of the village is blinded.

Fox: ARG! My damn eyes!

Big Boss: That was a flashbang, watching it explode is not the smartest of things to do.

Fox: You told me to watch the master at work, you stupid white bastard!

Big Boss: Better you can't see.

He equips the M37.

Big Boss: Welcome to the jungle;
We got fun 'n' games;
We got everything you want;
Honey we know the names;
We are the people that can find;
Whatever you may need ;
If you got the money honey;
We got your disease.

He proceeds to blow away the village.

(On the Jet)

Donald: So, what do you think of the new me?

Para-Medic: I think you're a very talented individual who can make his own way in life.

Para-Medic's Noggin: That'll shut the useless bastard up.

Donald: Good. Because I'm quitting this lazy ass job and making my own way in life.

Para-Medic: Good on you! You'll be great, just wait and see!

Para-Medic's Noggin: I am such a stupid bitch...

Donald: I will! That's Para-Medic, I really owe you one.

He leaves the command deck.

Para-Medic: Oh, shit...

Major: Well, you can either find a replacement or get the hell kicked off the bloody jumbo jet within an hour. I bid you good luck.

He proceeds to sip tea.

Para-Medic: Perfect...

(Vietnam)

Fox leads Big Boss through some wilderness.

Fox: Wait!

Big Boss: Enemy infantry?

Fox: No...

A rabbit hops out of the wilderness and stares at them. It twitches it's ears.

Fox: Ah, it's a beautiful piece of nature.

The rabbit is blown away.

Big Boss: I hope it's as delicious as it is beautiful.

Fox shakes his head.

Fox: I was told you'd eat anything that moves, but this?

Big Boss: Hey, look. That was a mother rabbit. Look at all the innocent babies.

Fox: Really?

They are all blown to shreds. Fox gapes at an M37 wielding Big Boss.

Big Boss: It sure is easy when they all huddle together in fear like that.

Fox: You, my good sir, are a ruthless bastard.

Gunfire hails down on them.

Fox: And you managed to get the attention of the Vietcong army.

Big Boss: Ah, shut up.

He equips the XM16E and dives behind a tree.

Big Boss: Duck and cover!

Fox: Why do I bother defecting?

He dives behind a collapsed tree.

Big Boss: Bribes of chocolate, and cute dieticians.

Fox: (ignoring the gunfire) Is she really a dietician?

Big Boss: Well, she's an off field medical advisor... I guess.

Fox: ...

Big Boss: She bitches every time I try to eat an innocent animal.

Fox: Ah, a hippy.

Big Boss: Like a hippy, but she won't give me any free love.

Fox: What a lousy hippy.

Big Boss: Hold on a sec...

He lobs a couple smoke bombs into the infantry's general direction and equips the thermal goggles.

Fox: Prepared, aren't you?

Big Boss: I'm prepared for nuclear winter.

Fox: ...

Big Boss: I'm wearing two pairs of boxers.

Fox: Ah.

Big Boss jumps out, firing wildly.

Big Boss: AAHH!

Fox: Crazy half blind...

He gets a call.

Fox: Wha..? Uh, hello?

Para-Medic: Hi!

Fox: Oh, you... what?

Para-Medic: Well, I called Snake and didn't get an answer, so...

Fox: He's killing right now.

Para-Medic: Did you remind him that this is a sneaking mission?

Fox: No. I didn't even know that it was a sneaking mission.

Para-Medic: Didn't he tell you anything?

Fox: His name, I guess.

Para-Medic: Well, tell him to give me a call when he's free.

Fox: Right. Uh, about him...

Para-Medic: What?

Fox: Is it normal for him to kill an innocent rabbit?

Para-Medic: Pretty usual stuff.

Fox: Then massacre all of its babies for no apparent reason and not even carry them around as food?

Para-Medic: He did what!

Fox: Then he made a comment about it too... something about it being easy.

Para-Medic: ... oh... my... God...

Fox: That's a no, then?

Para-Medic: ...

Fox: I'll get him to call you.

He hangs up. Big Boss struts over.

Big Boss: So... I'm, uh, done... yeah.

Fox: You're wasted, aren't you?

Big Boss: Well, to put it as simply as possible...

Fox: ...

Big Boss: Huh?

Fox: That's what I thought. Give Para-Medic a call.

Big Boss: Alright! That chick is HOT!

He calls Para-Medic.

Big Boss: Hey, sexy...

Para-Medic: Don't you dare start that, you sick bastard!

Big Boss: Tell me when I can, cause I ain't gonna understand shit all you say.

Para-Medic: You're sloshed, aren't you?

Big Boss: No.

Para-Medic: You killed innocent animals! BABY ANIMALS!

Big Boss: They had it coming. The mom died, they would have, uh...

Para-Medic: Starved?

Big Boss: Yeah, I'm a bit hungry. Don't worry about me though, I'll chow down on that rabbit later.

Para-Medic: You know what? Forget it. Say hello to your new weapons specialist!

Big Boss: My who?

She hangs up. A man gets on.

Man: Hello, Big Boss. It's been a couple fics, huh?

Big Boss: You... you're that anime loving guy who always hangs around my sonses...

Man: ... you're tanked, aren't you?

Big Boss: Well I ain't SOBER!

Man: Don't get screaming at me... never mind. I think you meant Otacon there.

Big Boss: Not the nerd, the dude with the shotgun... Blizzard?

Blizrun: It's Blizrun. Nice to see you a bit younger.

Big Boss: A bit? Hell, this ain't a bit! Ladies'll be all upons when I'm home... getting home... hungry.

Blizrun: Riiight... Call me if you need anything.

TBC