Trouser Snake

The Good, The Bad, The Chinese Spy

(Vietnam)

Big Boss: ... hungry...

Fox: What do you want me to do about it?

Big Boss: Well... you've got a home, don'tcha?

Fox: ... do I really have to introduce you to my mom? You're drunk, and she's kind of a... well, a slut.

Big Boss: Sold. Let's go home for dinner.

Fox: Fine, but you have to catch something.

Big Boss: If she's as big a tramp as you say... (hic)... herpes, maybe AIDS...

Fox: Something to eat, bastard.

Big Boss: My bad.

Fox: Your damn right it is. Go hunting!

Big Boss: ... where?

Fox: We're stranded in a jungle. I'll stay right here, you look around and shoot something.

Big Boss: Uh, alright. I guess. Can't be that hard.

Fox: Oh, and try and get a Snake. She loves Snake. Sometimes when she's drunk she'll mumble crap about a Snake she knew once.

Big Boss: You really shouldn't have told me that. You know, how to please her.

Fox: You're going to try and impress, then nail my mother, aren't you?

Big Boss: Do you want me to agree with you, or lie?

Fox: Lie.

Big Boss: No.

Fox: ... damn.

Big Boss stumbles off into the jungle in a drunken haze.

Fox: Somehow I think I'm going to have a little sister running around.

(Jungle)

Big Boss staggers around, waving his pistol around.

Big Boss: A snake... gotta find a snake. If I feed her a snake for dinner... I can give her another one later. Hee hee.

He gets a call.

Para-Medic: Huh, I've never heard you giggle like a little girl before.

Big Boss: I'm drunk, chalk it up to that.

Para-Medic: I thought you just said you weren't?

Big Boss: Chalk that up to being drunk as well.

Para-Medic: Oh, and Snake?

Big Boss: It's Big Boss.

Para-Medic: Just let it slide, okay?

Big Boss: No, at least call me... I dunno, BB?

Para-Medic: (snicker) BB? Little, a little girl named BB?

Big Boss: A man doesn't need a big name. If he's man enough, they'll know.

Para-Medic: Know what?

Big Boss: That he's man enough.

Para-Medic: Man enough for what?

Big Boss: To have a sissy name.

Para-Medic: How does being a man make up for having a 'sissy name'?

Big Boss: You really wanna know?

Para-Medic: Well, yeah.

Big Boss: Become a man.

Para-Medic: Uh, all right?

Big Boss: NO! Don't, I didn't mean it!

Para-Medic: Don't worry, I was just humouring you.

Big Boss: Well, I didn't find it funny.

Para-Medic: That's not what I meant...

Big Boss: Then try and make more sensewith what you say.

Para-Medic: Un, alright..?

Big Boss: On that, I have an even better suggestion.

Para-Medic: Let's hear it then.

Big Boss: Get in a box.

Para-Medic: What! You want me to become a lesbian?

Big Boss: What..? Ugh, get your mind out of the gutter! A cardboard box!

Para-Medic: Oh, alright then.

Para-Medic's Noodle: Ah, the cardboard box. NOW I know what the hell Sigint was talking about all the time. He really is off his rocker.

Big Boss: You know what? I think I'll go to Seattle and see you sometime.

Para-Medic: Really! Oh, BB, that's so sweet of you!

Big Boss: And I'll bring it.

Para-Medic: 'It'?

Big Boss: My box.

Para-Medic: You actually brought that cardboard box back with you?

Big Boss: Of course. It's my zen zone. It's where I sleep, it's where I eat, it's where I love.

Para-Medic: Eh, you mean like, MAKE love?

Big Boss: Imagine love, give love, take love, make love... huh, those last two rhymed.

Para-Medic: Whoa, you're getting really spaced out.

Big Boss: Box... huh?

He shakes it off.

Big Boss: Sorry, so, what was I talking about?

Para-Medic: Uh... where to find a snake! That's it!

Big Boss: Right. Where should I be able to find a snake?

Para-Medic: Um, my best bet would be slithering on the ground.

Big Boss: Beautiful. See you around, Para-Medic.

He hangs up. He gets a call.

Blizrun: Hey, Big Boss. You ever watch Gundam Wing?

Big Boss: No. Never heard of it.

Blizrun. Oh. Anyway, I called to teach you how to hunt, seeing as you have to kill the little critters.

Big Boss: Wait!

Blizrun: What?

Big Boss: If you called to talk to me about killing animals, why the hell did you ask me about Japanese cartoons?

Blizrun: It's ANIME, not cartoons.

Big Boss: I'll call it anime when you call me Big Boss!

Blizrun: I did call you Big Boss.

Big Boss: Oh, my bad. I'm used to everyone calling me Snake.

Blizrun: So, are you going to call it anime?

Big Boss: Nope.

Blizrun. Right. So, anyhow, to kill an animal for eating...

Big Boss: Well?

Blizrun: Aim the gun and pull the trigger.

Big Boss: ... you don't say?

Blizrun: Look, the job sucks. If you get into a boss fight or some crap involving crazy technology, THEN I can help you.

Big Boss: Wait. If I find a cellphone, can you e-mail me porn?

Blizrun: You do realize that it's 1968?

Big Boss: Theoretically speaking, of course.

Blizrun: And in Vietnam, no less...

Big Boss: In the very off chance that I do...

Blizrun: Look, IF, and that's a massive ass IF you have there, you find a cellphone I can send you porn. So, yeah.

Big Boss: Perfect.

Blizrun: So, good luck hunting.

Big Boss: Thanks. One last thing, though.

Blizrun: Yes, I am going to ask you about anime every time I call.

Big Boss: ... damn, you and Para-Medic.

Blizrun: Have a good one.

Big Boss: I hope she is.

Blizrun: What?

Big Boss: Huh, nothing.

Blizrun: Riiight...

He hangs up.

Big Boss: What did Para-Medic say? Right, on the ground.

He stalks around, eyes on the ground. He keeps it up. Time just FLIES(sarcasm) by, and Big Boss is getting hungry as a bastard.

Big Boss: So hungry... so very, very hungry...

He sees a rabbit hop by.

Big Boss: Score!

He aims and fires. A miss.

Big Boss: What?

He empties an entire clip on nothing.

Big Boss: Dammit!

He gets a call.

Big Boss: What the hell do you want!

Para-Medic: Hey! I'm trying to help you, jackass! Do it yourself.

Big Boss: Ah, damn!

She hangs up.

Big Boss: I wasted a clip and a silencer... now what do I so?

He stares at the rabbit, who completely ignores him.

Big Boss: This needs... couth. Skill and dignity is all I need.

He equips the M63.

Big Boss: And to up the caliber! HRAAAA!

He proceeds to destroy the area. A stray bullet strikes the rabbit in the foot and it falls over.

Big Boss: Now THAT'S Metal Gear!

He eats the rabbit. Decent Stamina boost.

Big Boss: This works... but I'm still hungry.

He sees a squirrel run up a tree. He draws the M19 and shoots it.

Big Boss: Hey! My aim got better! I guess I should pay more attention to Para-Medic.

He eats the squirrel. Barely noticeable stamina recovery.

Big Boss: God, that's disgusting!

Another squirrel runs up a nearby tree. He shoots it and picks it up.

Big Boss: I hope you taste better than your little friend!

He eats it. Same results.

Big Boss: Ugh, disgusting! I swear to God, I tasted rotten meat that time!

Another squirrel climbs up a tree next to him. He shoots it.

Big Boss: Nothing that bad tasting deserves to be alive.

He keeps looking for a snake. What appears to be a snare manages to catch his foot.

Big Boss: God damn snares.

He leans up and slashes it with his knife.

Big Boss: That's weird. It didn't cut all the way through. And it's bleeding. And it has a nice pattern on its scales, all the way up its sinuous body... goddamn, Para-Medic.

He calls Para-Medic.

Para-Medic: Hey, BB. About what happened earlier... I believe in forgiving and forgetting.

Big Boss: And I believe in you going to hell.

Para-Medic: What? I can't believe you would...

Big Boss: Shut up and listen. I followed your advice, looking for that damn snake on the ground. I managed to sober up, starve myself half to death and eat a couple of squirrels. I firmly believe squirrel meat is what they pack in those damn rations. Anyhow, I managed to get my leg in a snare. Turns out it's not a snare. IT'S A SNAKE. A HUGE SNAKE HANGING FROM A TREE. Arg... I need my box...

Para-Medic: You're hanging from a huge snake!

Big Boss: Yes.

Para-Medic: HOLY SHIT! Do something! It's going to try and constrict you and eat you!

Big Boss: Oh... uh, thanks.

He hangs up and looks up. The massive snake is starting to slither around his legs.

Big Boss: This can't be good.

He leans up and slices the snake again.

Big Boss: Take that, you scaly bastard.

Snake: Hiss...

Big Boss: Hm... you look tasty... really, really tasty...

Snake: Hiss...

Big Boss: Time to get eaten!

He sticks his M19 to its face and blows it away.

Big Boss: Now for the hurt...

The snake becomes a food item and dissolves. Big Boss falls to the ground in a heap.

Big Boss: Oof! Arg, my back...

He gets a call.

Para-Medic: BB, you managed to pull a muscle in your back. The only thing I recommend is a massage, really.

Big Boss: What the hell did you just call me?

Para-Medic: Uh, the initials to your name?

Big Boss: That was awkward. Never call me that again.

Para-Medic: But you told me to?

Big Boss: Chalk it up to my being drunk.

Para-Medic: You use that a lot, chalking things up?

Big Boss: What? AH! Don't tell me you forgot!

Para-Medic: Forgot what?

Big Boss: When I say to chalk something up, you write it down! It's so I can keep a record. I swear, if I ever have a son... he'll do all the chalking I can make him do...

Para-Medic: Are you okay?

Big Boss: ...

Para-Medic: Will my apologizing make it better?

Big Boss: (humming)

Para-Medic: What's he doing..?

Big Boss: Ah, it's all better now. It's alright Para-Medic, everything is happy now. Perfect peace.

Para-Medic: You're talking strange... were you just in the box?

Big Boss: Yup.

Para-Medic: Okay... that fixes everything then.

Big Boss: Now if you don't mind, there's sex with my name on it.

Para-Medic: ...

Big Boss: What? Jealous?

Para-Medic: What! Uh, no!

Big Boss: Damn... well, see you around.

Para-Medic: You're smoking, aren't you?

Big Boss: Nothing relaxes a man like smoking a wholesome cigar in a cardboard box.

Para-Medic: You realize by doing that you filled the entire box with smoke and breathed nothing but it for a while?

Big Boss: Why else would I be in such a good mood?

Para-Medic: Some other time, Snake.

Big Boss: What did I say..?

She hangs up.

Big Boss: Whatever.

He finds Fox.

Fox: Where in the living Hell were you!

Big Boss: Hunting. Got a snake.

Fox: ... I'm not even going to ask. I'll take you to my place.

(Fox residence, Hanoi)

Fox: Mom, I brought back a big American with a snake and a beard!

Mom's voice: That's nice.

Big Boss: That voice..?

He runs into the next room.

Big Boss: Eva!

Eva: Snake!

Fox: Snake?

Big Boss: Fox!

Eva: Eva!

Fox: What the hell?

Big Boss: Sorry, got swept along.

Eva: What the hell are you doing here?

Big Boss: Well... I still owe you a dinner. I hope you like massive snakes... and I know you do. (snicker)

Fox: That's it, I'm scarred.

He leaves the room.

Big Boss: Damn, you're still looking... hot.

Eva: Still as sweet as ever.

Big Boss: Not really, I'm just looking to get some.

Eva: You came to the right place.

They lean in to kiss.

Big Boss: Wait!

Eva: What?

Big Boss: If we last met four years ago, and you now live in Vietnam with a half-Vietnamese son who's about ten years old... the numbers don't add up!

Eva: Who the hell cares?

Big Boss: Good point.

They start making out and fall to the floor.

He gets a call.

Big Boss: What the hell!

Para-Medic: A HA! If you managed to get your foot snared by the snake, that means you actually did find it on the ground!

Big Boss: You're completely right. I'm going to sleep, don't call for a few hours.

He hangs up on her.

They continue making out and rolling around.

Fox: (shouting from the other room) Could you keep it down? Jesus!

Eva: Sorry, baby!

Big Boss: Wait... what do you know about Chinese nukes here?

Eva: I got sent to take them back.

Big Boss: So you know where they are?

Eva: Of course.

Big Boss: My mission is to get them out of the country... we could work together.

Eva: Hmm, sounds good.

Big Boss: And that means a whole lot more sex.

Eva: That's what I was hoping to hear.

Fox: SHUT UP!

Big Boss: Wait... you were only recently sent from China here to get these nukes, yet you already have a home here and a roughly ten year old son?

Eva: Yes.

Big Boss: Alright then.

To be continued...

Reviews are appreciated, or course.