Trouser Snake
Ride This Spiral...

Yup, a Tool influenced title.

(Chez Fox)

Big Boss: Huh, my back doesn't hurt anymore. That's one hell of a massage.

He gets a call.

Big Boss: I hope that isn't Para-Medic again...

Major Zero: Hello, Snake.

Big Boss: Major? I thought I told you not to call me that.

Major Zero: How could you?

Big Boss: What? Eva? Some James Bond fan you are.

Major Zero: No, fraternizing with the enemy aside, I'm beginning to fear that the two of us may be drifting away from one another. A friendship lost is a good friend lost at sea.

Big Boss: Hmm... that could have started when you ejected me from the plane.

Major Zero: True, that wasn't a very friendly gesture. I do believe I'll make it up to you, however. Possibly by serenading you with Tool songs.

Big Boss: I find two things wrong with everything we've said so far.

Major Zero: Feel free to enlighten me.

Big Boss: Right... let's see then. The first is by your noticing a lack of friendship between us. When was the last time we talked? Yesterday?

Major Zero: Two chapters ago. You completely ignored me that last chapter. I was emotionally wounded, you know.

Big Boss: Oh, sorry. I guess.

Major Zero: Do you have the foggiest as to how it is?

Big Boss: I didn't catch the meaning of that. Foggy?

Major Zero: To between Para-Medic and Blizrun while you chat away with them, happy as can bloody be? What was I to do, imagine you forgot your CO? No, I take these things to heart. I've already sent in the request to disband FOX. As of 1969, FOX will be no more. I'm terribly sorry.

Big Boss: What the hell? I didn't even want to talk to them! They called me!

Major Zero: Yet you didn't even ask them about me? How I was feeling? Whether or not I was planning to make a parfait to go along with that exquisite souffle I have the ingredients for? If I loved the Celtics as much as Her Majesty? Tell me, Snake!

Big Boss: I... no, I didn't. I guess this is it, then.

Major Zero: Yes... I'm sorry, old friend.

Major Zero: HA! No, I was just having a touch of fun. Looking for some attention, you know. I managed to overhear that you now have the location of the nuclear arms?

Big Boss: WHAT!

Major Zero: Get over yourself, a the damn french cuisine should have tided you over. Now, answer me. You know where the nukes are?

Big Boss: I'm going to hurt you when I get back... I thought you were going to fire me! And yes, I located the nukes... more or less.

Major Zero: Good. Proceed to dismantle, disarm, destroy or simply remove them.

Big Boss: Understood.

Major Zero: Oh, and one last thing. This is a war, not like the one we're having with the USSR. This war is a raging hot one. Vietcong soldiers are systematically searching to find and kill you, along with any other American they can find. If you don't like it, quit.

Big Boss: I don't like it, but I can't quit. If I try, you'll have me shot.

Major Zero: Maybe you should join the National Guard?

Big Boss: National Guard? Hey, I thought we were back on good terms!

Major Zero: That was a bit rude, don't you think? I know men in the National Guard. Good men, like that George fellow I met the other day.

Big Boss: Look at it this way, in forty years, who are we going to remember? The boys who stayed at home or the men who fought for their country?

Major Zero: Now, listen here! I wouldn't be surprised if poor George became the President one day!

Big Boss: Who in their right mind would elect someone like him for President? All he'd do is push the country's weight around.

Major Zero: Maybe so, but the world needs to fell Uncle Sam's heavy set feet on their toes.

Big Boss: Quite the patriot...

Major Zero: Thank you.

Big Boss: For an immigrant.

Major Zero: What was that?

Big Boss: What was what?

Major Zero: I could have sworn I heard you tag something on there.

Big Boss: Not on this end.

The Para-Medic manages to squeeze her way in.

Para-Medic: Uh, Big Boss?

Big Boss: Thank you, and yes?

Para-Medic: Think I need to talk to the Major for a second.

Big Boss: Sure.

Para-Medic: Alone.

Big Boss: Uh, sure.

He hangs up.

Big Boss: Hmm... morning people are such jackasses.

(Command plane... thingy)

Major Zero: What is it, Para-Medic?

Blizrun chuckles.

Para-Medic: Shut up! The only reason you're here is because the author felt obliged to keep up with a friend!

Blizrun: Hey, we'll see who's gonna be more appreciated in a second.

Major Zero: Enough petty squabbling. What is it?

Para-Medic: Well, you see...

Blizrun: You're like a teenage girl.

Para-Medic: Shut up!

Major Zero: Don't get out of line, hear me?

Blizrun: Right, right.

Major Zero: Now, say it already! I haven't got the whole day to spend berating you!

Para-Medic: Remember what you said about Big Boss and disbanding the FOX unit?

Major Zero: Ah, yes.

He chuckles.

Major Zero: Rather amusing plot, was it not?

Para-Medic: Yeah, it was pretty funny.

They all share a laugh.

Para-Medic: Yeah, except for one thing.

Blizrun: This is where it gets funny!

Para-Medic: So when you started with the plan... you brought Big Boss up.

Major Zero: I most certainly did.

Para-Medic: And, you know how I am... I got all giddy and started fantasising.

Major Zero: I would have much rather never had heard that.

Para-Medic: Well, I was spaced out imagining Big Boss, and...

Major Zero: Well?

Para-Medic: Heheh, I managed to miss the entire plan.

Major Zero: Is that all?

Para-Medic: Well...

Major Zero: That's quite alright. For future reference, though, I would prefer it if you payed more attention.

Para-Medic: So then you were actually talking to him, and I overheard that you filed a report requesting the disbanding of FOX. I, uh, got on the radio and made the general announcement and got us officially disbanded as of 1969.

Major Zero: ...

Blizrun: HAHAHAHA! I LOVE this job!

Major Zero: ... I need my afternoon tea...

Para-Medic: It's not even noon.

Major Zero: SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP AND FETCH ME A CUP OF TEA!

(Vietnam Jungle)

Big Boss is on one knee, talking via radio.

Big Boss: You sure this is the best way to do it?

Eva: Yup. Besides, I can tell you're best at working solo.

Big Boss: I can recognize a blow to my sexual peformance.

Eva: Always a smart one, weren't you? Seriously though, this should be a breeze compared to Groznyj Grad. Getting in and out won't be too much of a problem at all.

Big Boss: That's true. I am at my best when I work alone.

Eva: Right, so what's with the complaints?

Big Boss: You dumped your kid on me.

Eva: Never dated a single mother before, have you?

Big Boss: I can honestly say I'm the one of us who didn't.

Eva: Ha ha ha, cute. Besides, you'll need him to translate everything back to English for you.

Big Boss turns to Fox.

Big Boss: Congratulations, you're a fucking dictionary.

Fox: Joy.

Eva: Seriously though, this isn't all jungle infiltration. That's your forte, after all.

Big Boss: Actually, my forte is urban environment infiltration. I suck ass at jungle missions.

Eva: ... really?

Big Boss: Look, we met at an abandoned outdoors facility. You saved my ass. I get ambushed by every single last one of the Cobra's on the way to Groznyj Grad. I get in, it takes Volgin to actually notice I broke in.

Eva: Come to think of it...

Big Boss: None of that matters though. You know why?

Eva: Because you've become a much better man since then.

Big Boss: No, because I have a cardboard box on my side.

Eva: ... a what?

Big Boss: A cardboard box.

Eva: Like, to ship things in?

Big Boss: Yeah. Think of it. This is an all-out war. Some little Asian spots a random, innocent, rather tempting box off in a corner of a room. What does he think?

Eva: ... food?

Big Boss: No, some idiot didn't get around to unpacking the box and he leaves it alone.

Eva: Are you sure?

Big Boss: You just don't understand the box. It's pure genius on itself.

Eva: But what if someone takes the initiative to unpack the box?

Big Boss: Anyone who touches my box must die.

At the moment, Fox was examining the box behind him. He tosses it away and looks innocent.

Big Boss: ANYONE.

Fox swallows.

Eva: ... riiight. So, good luck then.

Big Boss: By the way, that's a good view of your cleavage.

Eva: Thanks! The radio photo reminded me of a magazine shoot so I tried to be as sexy as I could.

Big Boss: Nice.

Eva: So, did you get all that?

A 'yes'/'no' selection appears. Big Boss sifts between them, finally deciding 'no'.

Eva: No? What didn't you get?

Big Boss: The... uh, rack distracted me.

Eva: Fine, I'll make it quick. Hike north until you find the military outpost, then do your thing and meet up with me at the nukes. Got it?

Big Boss: What if I meet someone really huge with a minigun, or someone who can survive a bullet wound to the head?

Eva: Snake, that's just retarded. Who the hell can survive a bullet wound to the head?

Big Boss: I dunno, but the Pain could control bees and all.

Eva: There's a distinct difference between immortality and controlling stupid bugs.

Big Boss: Yeah, I guess.

Eva: So, good luck!

Big Boss: Roger.

She hangs up.

Big Boss: You up for a hike?

Fox: It's only a couple kilometres, let's go.

Big Boss: Alright, let's get the lead out.

And so they hike, shooting cute, wild animals for amusement. Eventually they reach...

(Dense jungle)

Big Boss: Whoa, things got different in this area... a lot more... I don't know...

Fox: Tight?

Big Boss: No, more...

Fox: Thick?

Big Boss: No, not that either. Arg, I hate it when I can't think of a word!

Muffled Voice: Dense.

Big Boss: That's it! Dense! Hey, kid, you alright? You're voice got deep all of a sudden.

Muffled Voice Fox: Oh, are you saying I have a girly voice? I don't find that nice, comrade.

Big Boss: Comrade?

He gets into his CQC stance.

Big Boss: Something isn't right... what was it?

He thinks back.

Eva: Oh, and Snake? I heard that some Russian psychic was down here to claim those nukes too. Be careful.

Big Boss: ... boobs.

He snaps out of it.

Big Boss: The Russian!

Muffled Voice Fox: That's right. I'm the best the KGB has to offer. And all I live to see is death...

Big Boss: Where the hell are you!

Fox passes out. An invisible figure behind him appears.

Man: Here, 'Big Boss'.

Big Boss: Awful frail, aren't you?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Play Metal Gear Solid or Twin Snakes and call Naomi to get info on Psycho Mantis during the fight. He's Russian.

Mantis: Don't even think of it. I can read you like an open book! You won't even be able to get near me!

Big Boss: Oh yeah?

Mantis: Let's see... oh, you like snakes, don't you?

Big Boss: Lucky guess.

Mantis: You believe the highest point of consciousness only manifests while smoking in a cardboard box.

Big Boss: That's a well-established fact.

Mantis: Hm... you had sex twice last night and once this morning. This morning, all you could think about was getting back in that box, touching that box... what's with the box?

Big Boss: AH HA! I thought you could read minds?

Mantis: How DARE you? Need I show you why I am the most powerful practitioner or psychokinesis and telepathy in the world?

Big Boss: If you can.

He aims the M19.

Big Boss: But, then again, you could always just die.

He fires. Mantis dodges the bullet.

Big Boss: ... plan B, then.

Mantis: I know exactly what you're planning... the box? What? All I can read is the box?

Big Boss: THIS IS FOR THE BOX!

He charges Mantis.

Mantis: No, wait! I'm fragile!

Big Boss CQC slams him to the ground.

Mantis: Arg, you broke my arm!

Big Boss: You're pretty good. Ever think of defecting to the west?

Mantis: No.

Big Boss: Too bad. You should think about it sometime.

He knocks him out. Fox wakes up.

Fox: Arg, my head...

Big Boss: Nothing to worry about anymore. Let's get a move on.

He walks off. Fox kicks Mantis in the head and keeps walking.

To be continued.

Oh, just so you all know, this is a prequel to Teenage Wasteland. If you're wondering about the age inconsistency thing... I'll put up a time line at the end to make sense of it.