My hopes, my dreams
Written by ercarterfan
June 2004 OCOH Board Challenge
Abby's heart skipped a beat when Carter said that he had always had faith that she would pass her boards. It was a faith that she didn't have in herself, well that she hadn't been able to find in herself until recently. She smiled at him, as she noticed that he was carrying a box out of the ER. She couldn't help but wonder if he was leaving again, this time making it more permanent.
"Hey would you like to grab some coffee." She said pointing across the street.
"Yeah I think I have time." Carter replied softly.
The day had been harder than he thought it would have been. All the looks, the sympathetic smiles, they hadn't made it easier only harder. No one in that ER knew what it was like to lose a child of their own. Being around death didn't make it any easier when you yourself where faced with it, when it was your heart that was being broken into a million pieces. Carter sat down at a table with Abby. At least she wasn't giving him that look that he had been getting all day.
Abby tried to keep the conversation light, "so do you like the sound of Dr. Lockhart?"
Carter let out a half laugh, "yeah, it fits you Abby. You've worked hard for a long time, but I always knew you could do it."
"Thanks John." She said reaching out to gently touch his hand, "it means a lot to hear you say that to me."
They hadn't been on the best of terms lately, but something inside of her broke when she saw him after he and Kem had lost the baby. A son was something Carter had always wanted and he had been looking forward to the newest member of the Carter family. Granted Abby wished that he had been Carter and her that were having a baby together, but when tragedy struck she was more than willing to there as a friend should be when another friend is in need.
"I matched at County." She said, "I didn't think that they would take me."
"I pulled for you." He said smiling softly at her.
"You know, you and I we will always be friends John." She said, "we might not have made it as anything more, but you are now and always will be one of my closest and dearest friends."
"Abby," he said looking up at her, "that means a lot to me." It would mean more to him that he would ever be able to tell her. He was almost sure that things were going to go no where with Kem now, not that he didn't feel anything for her anymore, but she was biting to get back home. Carter didn't feel like making his home in Africa, but he didn't think that he could make it in the house that they had bought that was full now of baby things that they would never get the chance to use.
"John," Abby said softly, "you don't have to be strong in front of me. I know how hard this has all been on you. I'm here if you need to talk."
John looked up at her, the tears welling in his eyes. He wasn't sure what to say, or even where to start. He just looked at the box sitting next to him. The words were stuck in his throat. The pain raw and fresh in his mind as if the news that he son was not with them had been just given to them.
Behind the tears he managed to find the words, "it hurts." Two simple words that spoke the volumes of pain that were in his heart. There were no words to describe the pain that filled him. No words to describe the emptiness that his arms felt to hold that child again, the strong ache that pulled at him day and night. The missing piece of his heart, sure they could try again, they could have more children, but nothing would ever take the place of their first born child, or ease the sorrow that filled him. A parent should never live longer than their child.
"I'm sure it does." she said gently squeezing his hand. There was no saying I understand, or I'm sorry right now, those were words that she knew he had heard probably one to many times during the course of the day.
"I'm angry." Why did this have to happen to them? They should be at home expecting their son any time now, and that was never going to happen. What had he done in his life that was so horrible that his child had to be taken away from him as penitence. They could tell them that it was just bad luck that sometimes accidents like this happen and there is no rhyme or reason to why it happens, but everything in life happens for a reason, and he couldn't let the explanation that it just happened but the answer. The hurt, the anger, the blame, the pain, all ran deep inside him, it was a cut that went clean to the bone and every day it seemed as if it kept splitting open again ripping just a little bit deeper.
She didn't say anything but gave him a soft hug, her way of saying that she was there and listening and she valued what he was feeling, that she was validating his feelings. Her way of trying to tell him that it was okay to be hurt and that it was okay to be angry.
He closed his eyes and could still feel the child wrapped in the blanket so tiny. All the feelings that a new parent would have rushing thru them filling him, yet the sadness and heart ache of knowing that this would be the only time that he would hold that child this close to his heart. To fill the physical need of holding him, rather than just the memories that he held now of holding him, kissing his tiny forehead. Every parent knows that new baby smell, something of a cross of baby powder and baby shampoo. It's one that you never forget. And when he held that child in his arms and kissed the top of his end that was what he remembered that was coming back to him now, as the tears silently rolled down his face. Those would be memories that he would hold close to his heart until his time here on earth was finished. How small the hands were and the tiny feet wrapped up under the blue baby blanket. Counting and marveling at the 10 little fingers and 10 little toes so perfectly formed, yet they lacked life. Taken away before it had been given. Now the only thing he could think of was the lullabies that he wouldn't be singing, the games of catch that he wouldn't be playing, the first day of school that would never come, the first broken heart, the first driving lesson, the first car, these things he wasn't going to be able to experience not thru his child's eyes. There would be no first steps, no scraped knees or broken bones, no graduations, no proms, all of these things were ripped from his life when his child had been taken from him.
Abby's voice was not more than a whisper now as she looked at the box sitting next to him, "John, what's in the box?"
"My hopes, my dreams, what was to be my future and will now forever be my past. My greatest joy but yet my greatest heartache is what's in the box." He said as he tried to take his eyes of it but couldn't bring himself too, "a lock of hair, a set of footprints. A small hat."
Abby held him close understanding what he meant, those were small things, they wouldn't mean anything to anyone else but him. His son was his dream, we place all our hopes, our dreams and our fears into our children, knowing that they are our future, but sometimes what we want to become our future in the blink of an eye becomes our past.
Written by ercarterfan
June 2004 OCOH Board Challenge
Abby's heart skipped a beat when Carter said that he had always had faith that she would pass her boards. It was a faith that she didn't have in herself, well that she hadn't been able to find in herself until recently. She smiled at him, as she noticed that he was carrying a box out of the ER. She couldn't help but wonder if he was leaving again, this time making it more permanent.
"Hey would you like to grab some coffee." She said pointing across the street.
"Yeah I think I have time." Carter replied softly.
The day had been harder than he thought it would have been. All the looks, the sympathetic smiles, they hadn't made it easier only harder. No one in that ER knew what it was like to lose a child of their own. Being around death didn't make it any easier when you yourself where faced with it, when it was your heart that was being broken into a million pieces. Carter sat down at a table with Abby. At least she wasn't giving him that look that he had been getting all day.
Abby tried to keep the conversation light, "so do you like the sound of Dr. Lockhart?"
Carter let out a half laugh, "yeah, it fits you Abby. You've worked hard for a long time, but I always knew you could do it."
"Thanks John." She said reaching out to gently touch his hand, "it means a lot to hear you say that to me."
They hadn't been on the best of terms lately, but something inside of her broke when she saw him after he and Kem had lost the baby. A son was something Carter had always wanted and he had been looking forward to the newest member of the Carter family. Granted Abby wished that he had been Carter and her that were having a baby together, but when tragedy struck she was more than willing to there as a friend should be when another friend is in need.
"I matched at County." She said, "I didn't think that they would take me."
"I pulled for you." He said smiling softly at her.
"You know, you and I we will always be friends John." She said, "we might not have made it as anything more, but you are now and always will be one of my closest and dearest friends."
"Abby," he said looking up at her, "that means a lot to me." It would mean more to him that he would ever be able to tell her. He was almost sure that things were going to go no where with Kem now, not that he didn't feel anything for her anymore, but she was biting to get back home. Carter didn't feel like making his home in Africa, but he didn't think that he could make it in the house that they had bought that was full now of baby things that they would never get the chance to use.
"John," Abby said softly, "you don't have to be strong in front of me. I know how hard this has all been on you. I'm here if you need to talk."
John looked up at her, the tears welling in his eyes. He wasn't sure what to say, or even where to start. He just looked at the box sitting next to him. The words were stuck in his throat. The pain raw and fresh in his mind as if the news that he son was not with them had been just given to them.
Behind the tears he managed to find the words, "it hurts." Two simple words that spoke the volumes of pain that were in his heart. There were no words to describe the pain that filled him. No words to describe the emptiness that his arms felt to hold that child again, the strong ache that pulled at him day and night. The missing piece of his heart, sure they could try again, they could have more children, but nothing would ever take the place of their first born child, or ease the sorrow that filled him. A parent should never live longer than their child.
"I'm sure it does." she said gently squeezing his hand. There was no saying I understand, or I'm sorry right now, those were words that she knew he had heard probably one to many times during the course of the day.
"I'm angry." Why did this have to happen to them? They should be at home expecting their son any time now, and that was never going to happen. What had he done in his life that was so horrible that his child had to be taken away from him as penitence. They could tell them that it was just bad luck that sometimes accidents like this happen and there is no rhyme or reason to why it happens, but everything in life happens for a reason, and he couldn't let the explanation that it just happened but the answer. The hurt, the anger, the blame, the pain, all ran deep inside him, it was a cut that went clean to the bone and every day it seemed as if it kept splitting open again ripping just a little bit deeper.
She didn't say anything but gave him a soft hug, her way of saying that she was there and listening and she valued what he was feeling, that she was validating his feelings. Her way of trying to tell him that it was okay to be hurt and that it was okay to be angry.
He closed his eyes and could still feel the child wrapped in the blanket so tiny. All the feelings that a new parent would have rushing thru them filling him, yet the sadness and heart ache of knowing that this would be the only time that he would hold that child this close to his heart. To fill the physical need of holding him, rather than just the memories that he held now of holding him, kissing his tiny forehead. Every parent knows that new baby smell, something of a cross of baby powder and baby shampoo. It's one that you never forget. And when he held that child in his arms and kissed the top of his end that was what he remembered that was coming back to him now, as the tears silently rolled down his face. Those would be memories that he would hold close to his heart until his time here on earth was finished. How small the hands were and the tiny feet wrapped up under the blue baby blanket. Counting and marveling at the 10 little fingers and 10 little toes so perfectly formed, yet they lacked life. Taken away before it had been given. Now the only thing he could think of was the lullabies that he wouldn't be singing, the games of catch that he wouldn't be playing, the first day of school that would never come, the first broken heart, the first driving lesson, the first car, these things he wasn't going to be able to experience not thru his child's eyes. There would be no first steps, no scraped knees or broken bones, no graduations, no proms, all of these things were ripped from his life when his child had been taken from him.
Abby's voice was not more than a whisper now as she looked at the box sitting next to him, "John, what's in the box?"
"My hopes, my dreams, what was to be my future and will now forever be my past. My greatest joy but yet my greatest heartache is what's in the box." He said as he tried to take his eyes of it but couldn't bring himself too, "a lock of hair, a set of footprints. A small hat."
Abby held him close understanding what he meant, those were small things, they wouldn't mean anything to anyone else but him. His son was his dream, we place all our hopes, our dreams and our fears into our children, knowing that they are our future, but sometimes what we want to become our future in the blink of an eye becomes our past.
