Chapter Four: No Promises
The rest of the day flew by for Carter. He didn't think much about his impending date with Abby, and he really didn't think of it so much as a date as rather taking a friend out to dinner. You could take friends out to dinner couldn't you? He was going to try and not work himself up over this he really just wanted the chance to talk to her more than anything else and see if they could maybe start over again.
He signed his patients out to the attending that was coming on for the night shift before getting his things from his locker to wait for Abby. She should be off in a few minutes depending on what happened with her last patient of the day. You never really knew if you would be off on time, it all depended on what came through those doors before you managed to get signed out.
"You ready?" Abby asked as she walked into the lounge. "I'm off and I'm hungry."
"Yeah I was just waiting on you." Carter said as he stood up from where he was sitting.
"Good." She put her things into her locker, pulling out her coat before shutting it. "Let's go then."
He walked beside her as they headed out. They strolled along the street as they headed for the restaurant that Carter had picked for them to have dinner at. He got them there and the silence that had been between them for the entire walk was making him feel awkward. What courage he had, had slowly slipped away. He needed to think of something for them to talk about before he dove into the conversation that involved his begging for her forgiveness. Not that he had planned on begging for it but he was prepared to if that's what it came down to.
"How was your day?" He asked as they were seated at a table.
"It was okay, busy but okay." She replied back, "and yours?"
"Nothing spectacular to write home about." He joked, "it was okay, busy when I started but it slowed to a nice pace after lunch."
"That's always nice to hear." Abby could make small talk for as long as the conversation held up.
"Being an intern must be a nice change for you." Carter said as he started to look over the menu that was in front of him.
"It's definitely different than being a med student, I'm just glad that the hard work is starting to pay off."
"Yeah, I'm sure that you are. You know that I am really proud of you for what you have accomplished." Carter was trying to compliment her.
"Thanks Carter." Abby said her eyes going from looking at the menu to him and back again.
"You're welcome." He said, "do you have any idea of what you are in the mood to have for dinner?"
"Not yet." She said looking it over again.
They finally decided and ordered. Carter was nervous about taking the conversation to the next level but they could only talk about work for so long and then it would have to either stall out or he would have to bit the bullet. After they had eaten he decided that it was time to do this. For it was either now or never and he didn't want it to be never.
"I wanted to talk to you about something." He said looking at her as he started to play with his hands under the table, rubbing his wrist was a nervous habit that he had always had.
"What about?" Abby asked.
"About us." He said, "Well not about us, but…"
Abby cut him off, "Carter there is no us." She said rather bluntly.
"I know but what I wanted to ask you is if you might be willing to maybe start over again, give a relationship another shot. At least, well I want to work on just even being better friends." He was stumbling over his words.
Abby looked at him, there was a seriousness in her eyes that Carter hadn't ever noticed before. He wasn't sure what to make of it either. He didn't know what she might say next or if she would just get up and leave. He hoped that she didn't get up and leave that was the last thing he wanted.
"Friends, we are friends Carter." She said her eyes still on him.
"I would like us to be better friends, something other than the occasional passing at work." He said.
"I don't know if we can do that." She said being honest with him.
"Abby," Carter said now finding some courage to look at her, "I know that what I did was wrong." He felt the need to explain things to her, or at least give it one hell of a shot. "I hurt you, more than I ever intended to do."
"Yeah, you did." She knew she was being rather blunt with him, but she didn't want him to think that he could just waltz back in after everything and that they could pick up where they had left off. She wasn't happy then and that wasn't a place that she wanted to go back to.
"I want to try and work on being a better friend to you, the kind of friend that you deserve." He said not taking his eyes off her, "I know you have changed, for the better and I hope that through all of this that I have done the same. What I thought I would find, I didn't."
"I'm sorry to hear that Carter." She didn't know what he expected to find taking off the way that he had.
"But I have worked through a lot of things that had been causing me trouble." He wanted to prove to her that he wasn't the same man who had done that to her. "And if I have learned anything it's that what I wanted was here all along I was just too blind to see it."
"And what might have that been?" She wasn't trying to be snotty; it just ended up coming out that way.
"That my best friend was right here all along. That rather than doing everything that I had ever accused you of doing, I should have tried harder rather than just giving up. That wasn't fair to you, and it wasn't fair to me."
"I'm glad that you can see that now Carter, but hindsight is twenty-twenty and it really doesn't change anything." She replied.
"No, I know that it doesn't change anything." He said looking down now he was getting shot down something horrible right now, but then he really couldn't blame her. "But I was hoping that you might be willing to give me a second chance."
"A second chance." She got silent for a minute, "I don't know Carter." She was being serious and now open with him, "I don't think that I want to honestly. You are a good friend, and I don't want to lose the friendship that we have, or could have by making the same mistakes with you twice."
"I see." He said silently, he wanted to fight for this, but he didn't want to push her either. "It's okay I think I understand."
"Do you?" Abby asked. "Can you honestly say that you understand why I don't want to try again?"
Carter shook his head now, "no, but I am trying and that's all I can do right now."
"Carter look," Abby said, "what do you see when you look at me?"
That was an odd question and one that he was not expecting her to ask, one that he didn't have an answer for. "What do you mean?"
"What do you see when you look at me?" She asked again.
"I see a friend, a talented and bright doctor in the making. Someone who doesn't always believe that she can do what she sets out to do, but can accomplish it." He wasn't sure if that was the answer that she was looking for or not.
Abby just nodded. That wasn't the response that she was hoping to get from him, he didn't understand it, and she knew that much and maybe it was that women talked for the most part in a code that a guy could never understand.
"That's not the answer that you wanted is it?" He asked. "What I see when I look at you with all that I said before is also the woman who consumes my thoughts, my best friend whom no matter what I say I know that I am always going to want more from. But if I can't have you in my life in any other capacity than a friend that is what I am willing to settle for because my life isn't complete without you in it."
Well that wasn't the answer that she was expecting from him either, but it was more than she expected. The first answer was closer to the one that she expected, but she didn't know if he was just saying that to get himself off the hook or if that was really how he felt.
The silence that was between them was making them both nervous. He didn't know what else to say and she didn't know how to react to what he had said. It was a stalemate. One of them was going to have to say something.
"Carter, maybe we can try but we are going to need to take it very slow." She said, "Start off as friends again and see. I can't make any promises."
"I don't want you too." Carter replied, "Friends I can do." He was honest with her. She hadn't shot him down but neither of them really should be making promises, they would just have to see where it went from here.
