Chapter 2 - The Constant
Three full moons have passed without you. I don't know where you are or why you haven't come. All I know is that another transformation is quickly approaching, and I find myself in desperate need.
The first full moon that you were absent, I was curious. What could have kept you? Not since you began brewing the potion for me had you ever failed to deliver it. I knew that it was stubborn pride and had nothing to do with any desire to come into contact with me. You just simply didn't trust anyone else with the task. Thus, when a messenger from the Order appeared in your stead, I knew that there was something wrong. Not only with your unexplained absence, but also within myself. I realized, for perhaps the first time since we re-entered each others' worlds, that I had become accustomed to your presence. I even came to rely on it. As a constant in a world that was quickly spiraling out of control. As I handed the goblet back to the messenger I felt a familiar sensation coiling in my chest. But it was an emotion I had never equated with you before. A feeling of emptiness without you there. Even as a wolf I could feel the loneliness. I lay whimpering softly under the glare of the silver moon.
The month passed and my next transformation approached. The day my potion was to arrive I was restless as I had yet to hear word of you. I told myself that if you did not appear, I would owl Albus first thing in the morning to inquire as to your whereabouts, attempting to convince myself that it was only respectful concern for a fellow Order member. And for the second time you failed to arrive. The emptiness intensified. As my spine twisted and my muscles reformed there was a separate, familiar throbbing beneath the pain of transformation. It was too similar to an ache I've had before in my life. James, Lily, Peter, Sirius. It remained as I stared to the moon, as a lonely wolf. And it remained still as I awoke stiff and sore, lying by the window in the morning. I only hoped that you had not received the same fate that had caused this heartache in me all those times before.
When the pain of transformation had receded enough, I owled Albus. I needed to know where you were. And why you had been absent for two months now. His reply was cryptic at best. The only information he gave me was that it was a sensitive matter. A mission for the Order. That he was sorry, but there was nothing else he could tell me. To say that I was angry would have been a vast understatement. I do not know why I was so enraged. It was a common occurrence for secrets to be kept, even within the Order. But all my emotions seemed to be so close to the surface since you disappeared. As these months passed with no word and no sight of you, the aching in my chest only increased. I missed you. I could admit it to myself now. There was no possible way to deny the hollow that had formed within me. I longed for the simple things. The warmth on the stem of the goblet where your hand had just been. The scent of potions and dungeons and of your skin. The flash of obsidian beneath the fringe of coal black hair. I even began to miss the sneers and the sound of your voice, so full of venom. I would not care what you were saying, if only I could hear you say something again.
You were my constant. The one thing that had never changed. Seeing you each month reminded me that the world had not stopped spinning. That the sun and the moon would continue as they always had. When you disappeared I felt as if everything had stopped. But the moon refused to still its progress. It was now time for yet another transformation. This would be the third I had endured without you. My potion delivered yet again by some messenger from the Order. He left in a hurry before I took it. He had other business to attend to. I placed the goblet on the night table by the window. The moonlight filtered in, catching the smoke from the elixir in its wake. Like a spectral image it danced. A ghost of who we used to be. What life was like before all the constants had been removed. For a few moments I thought that maybe I wouldn't take it. I could let the wolf take over. Lose my mind to the beast, for just a night. Perhaps it would help me forget the growing emptiness that I felt. Forget that the world around me was spinning out of control, and that you were not here to prove that it wasn't.
Of course the small rational part of my mind that seemed to still be working, told me that I must take it. To allow myself to surrender to the beast would be admitting defeat. It would show weakness. And you had never allowed for weakness, had you? And so I reached for the goblet. Cold under my fingers, without the lingering warmth of your hand. I swallowed it down as quickly as I could. The taste, a further reminder of you. During my transformation I held vigil by the window yet again. The harsh silver orb hung in the sky as it always had. Mocking me, and my weaknesses. The wolf still felt the emptiness. Felt the loneliness. A sound ripped through the still of the night. A desperate howl filled with sadness and pain. The wolf continued to howl to the moon, as if pleading to the sky. Begging for mercy and an end to the sorrow that it could not understand.
Upon waking the next morning, I made no move to get up from the floor. I had no desire to stand, to live, to breathe. I simply lay there, filthy from lying on the dusty ground. As my mind continued to wake I felt the despair growing again. The emptiness was so great that it threatened to consume me. I wept. The tears running tracks in the dirt. I stayed like this for a long time, hours probably. I had no reason to track the passage of time. What did it matter? These days before and after my transformation were the worst to endure. Though, somehow I managed. If only for the possibility that the next full moon would bring you back. Replace the constant in my life.
And the next moon did come, as it always had and always will. As the day melts into twilight, I wait. I sit still, staring at the door. Any minute there will be someone here to deliver the wolfsbane. In my time waiting the tension in my chest increases. The loneliness pulsing within like a being, threatening to swallow me whole. In my mind there are visions of you. Snarling, angry, bitter. But healthy and here. I struggle to stay in my chair. I am restless. I feel as if I'm drowning. Three full moons have passed since I have seen you. In that time I allowed myself to admit that I need you. I require your constant and predictable presence. The peace of mind it brought to know that some things could not be stopped. The turning of the Earth on its axis, its trips around the sun. The moon, the transformations. You. But something had stopped you. Had kept you from me. And there is the emptiness. I long for you. I miss you like I miss the air when I can not breathe. I am suffocating in this world without you.
And there is the sound of footsteps on the gravel path. A shadow cast on the doorstep. I am holding my breath, prepared to drown in myself if it is not you. A turn of the knob. A creak in the hinges. A sliver of twilight. And a figure on the threshold. . . .
