The moment Adam left to go meet with Joe and Duncan, Buffy found herself regretting her decision to stay in Adam's apartment alone. That encounter with the immortal/vampire the night before had rankled her more than she liked to admit. She hated the fact that she had frozen after stabbing the thing, and even moreso she hated that Adam had seen it.
She was a slayer, but all she had shown him since arriving in Seacouver was cowardice and vulnerability. He must think I'm so weak, she thought bitterly. But why did it matter? That was what bothered her even more. Why did she care what Adam Pierson thought of her? Why was she allowing herself to sink further and further into yet another world that demanded more than she could give?
She suddenly missed Sunnydale so much it physically hurt. She thought of her mother and blinked back tears. Yes they had fought, but deep down did Buffy never actually thought her mother meant what she had said. No, she knew that her mother had reacted from emotional shock. And still, she had taken it literally, using those words as an excuse to flee the consequences of her actions.
Xander would hate me if he knew, she thought, sighing as she pictured his face in her mind. He had always believed in her the most, but with that belief came the pedestal that he had placed her on since day one. He had believed her to be beyond the emotional failings of most normal humans and she had disappointed him more than once when a difficult situation arose and she proved him wrong. Most notably, Angel. She knew Xander had wanted her to kill him, thought she could kill him and the disappointment she saw in his eyes when she couldn't cut like a knife every time she remembered it.
He was right though. She wasn't an ordinary girl. People had died because of her inability to kill Angel and when she finally did…well, she couldn't face anybody after that. Running had been the only option. She could barely stand to look at herself in the mirror, let alone let her friends see the thing she had become. And yet, she missed them. Everything was more frightening to her without their comforting presence.
She suddenly realized it was them that had kept her going for so long. Being the slayer had terrified her in L.A. She had vowed to give it up entirely and maybe she would have, were it not for Willow and Xander and their willingness to stick by her no matter how dark things got. They were the power behind the slayer, she knew that now. And this is how she repaid them. She tried to picture a time when she, Xander and Willow had been together and happy and carefree, but found it impossible. There was no time when they had been completely happy and carefree, but they had been together.
They had been the ones that had kept her from self destructing entirely after Angel changed. Many a night, she had called Willow on the phone, in tears, not knowing how she would be able to kill him when the time came. Willow hadn't been able to offer any answers, but there had been her friendship and that had been enough. She had nobody to talk to now. She couldn't tell Adam what she had done. He was the only friend she had in this place and if he knew what she was capable of…what kind of monster she really was…well, she'd be alone again. That thought was more terrifying than the creature she had faced last night.
Her mind drifted back to the demon immortal and she shivered once more as she remembered it's soulless eyes as it taunted her, fully aware it was stronger than she was. It was sheer luck that she had managed to get the upper hand, and even then she had frozen, unable to perform the one simple job she still retained from her old life. Slayer. Killer of evil creatures. She had failed in that too. It was almost as if Angel's death had finally killed the slayer. All that remained now was Buffy and Buffy wasn't strong like the slayer was. Buffy was merely a scared little girl, alone in a strange city and seeking comfort from yet another watcher who was trying to protect her.
Was that all Adam was? A substitute for Giles? No, that wasn't it at all. When she was with Giles, she felt his authority. He wore it like a part of himself. As if it adorned those tweed suits of his that made him look ten years older than he probably was. With Adam, she felt like she was….well, not his equal as he had been on this world far longer than she, but she felt like he saw her as a person. A broken person perhaps, but not the frightened child she perceived herself to be. She didn't feel like a runaway around him, and she needed that right now.
Standing up, she walked slowly around the main room of Adam's apartment. He was a mysterious mixture of old and new. At times it felt like he was an open book, completely readable in every way and other times, she would glance at him and see centuries of different men lurking beneath that calm exterior and observant hazel eyes. She wondered about some of those men. She wondered who he had been, what he had seen. And as she looked around the apartment she got a small idea at least.
Many of his books were ancient and in another language. However, he possessed many a modern novel as well, including the Dr. Seuss classic "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish". He had some foreign or classical CD's, and yet he also possessed many contemporary albums, mostly skewing towards the classic rock. There were very few pictures, or personal items.
Entering his bedroom, she noticed a more personal feel than the other rooms. Obviously he considered this to be a sanctuary, a place where he could be more himself, than the immortal he pretended to be. She wondered if she should be in here, but brushed the thought off. She wasn't harming anything. Looking down at his bed, she noticed a journal lay on top of it, open, with a picture in the middle of it.
The picture was hand drawn, and old. It was so old, she could barely make out the writing on the bottom of it as she picked it up. It was a young girl about her age and she was smiling. She squinted and managed to make out the girl's first name.
"Celine."
"She was a slayer." Adam's voice behind her caused her to jump in shock and drop the picture back onto the bed. She turned towards him, blushing furiously, ashamed of being caught staring at what was obviously something personal to him.
"I am so sorry…" She began to say, but Adam waved his hand as if it weren't important and took a step towards her, picking the picture up and staring at it for a moment before continuing.
"You were wondering who she was right?" He asked her. Buffy could only nod as he smiled fondly at the picture. "I was her watcher. She was my slayer."
"Your slayer…" Buffy trailed off as the implication hit her. "You loved her."
"Very much," he said with a trace of a smile. Buffy's mind suddenly flashed back to Giles and she suppressed a shudder. She couldn't imagine ever having romantic feelings for him. At first he had been like a teacher, and then as they grew closer, a father. She had always just assumed it was the same way for all slayers. Adam could obviously sense her thoughts because he gave a soft chuckle. "It was different back then you know. Girls got married younger than that. And Celine never saw me as an authority figure. I was her second watcher and by the time we met…well, she knew what it meant to be the slayer. I was really only there for moral support."
"What was she like?" She thought suddenly of Kendra, the ill fated slayer that had been called after she died. Kendra had only been the slayer for about a year, and it was because of Angel that she too was dead. Another would likely be called in her place and the cycle would go on and on. All these dead girls, all these fallen slayers. Who would remember them or the things they had done? If they were lucky they would be written down in watcher diaries, as guides for future slayers. But nobody else would ever really know. Adam would though. He was immortal and from the look on his face and the tone in his voice would never forget Celine. Buffy may have the buzz, but it was the young girl in the picture who had achieved true immortality.
"She was beautiful." Adam was saying. "Strong, and proud. She didn't like anybody telling her what to do, least of all me. Never once did the darkness she fought scare her. It was the idea that she would fail in her duty, fail to save somebody that truly terrified her. She being the slayer. It was all she ever wanted to be."
"And it's everything I hate." Buffy said bitterly. She couldn't even look at Adam. "You must really despise me."
"I don't despise you by any means." Adam said with a chuckle. "Anne, you are not Celine. I don't expect you to be her. You're one of a kind."
"I'm a failure." She argued, utterly hating the kindness in his eyes. "I've run away from everything. My watcher, my mother, my friends…I'm supposed to be helping people, like you said she loved to do, but all I can think of day in and day out is avoiding the world as best as I can. I don't want to save people anymore. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but all its done is cause pain and death to me and those around me. I'm tired. I'm so tired of it. And yet it feels like I can't escape it."
"Would it help if you told me about why you ran?" Adam's voice was gentle and yet the very idea of it, caused her to stiffen and pull away from him.
"I…I can't." She shook her head. "I can't talk about it."
"You can only run so long Anne." He warned her. "If you don't face whatever it is you are running from it will destroy you. Or, that creature that attacked us last night will. It's not like quitting for you involves a pension and a desk job. You are still going to be targeted. And I'm not going to follow you around everywhere you go."
"I don't need your protection." She snapped, hating the truth in his words. "I'm not helpless."
"No, you're not." He agreed. "Hell, when push comes to shove, you do a great impersonation of a rock. Eventually though, they'll figure out who you are and they will kill you Anne. Real life always gets in the way no matter how badly you want to escape it. Think about that."
