Buffy wasn't sure why she felt the need to visit the immortal Duncan MacLeod. Perhaps it was because of his complete ignorance of slayers that compelled her to want to speak with him. She enjoyed Adam's company, that much was certain, but she always felt slightly pressured to become the slayer he once knew. She knew it was a ridiculous thought, and he had already told her as much, but part of her wondered how much of her he saw when he smiled at her, and how much of Celine he thought he saw.
She may not like Duncan as much, but she knew he wouldn't confuse her with anybody he had loved. And he had lost someone recently as well. She remembered Richie's story about how he became immortal and about Duncan's love, Tessa.
She wondered about the woman that Richie seemed so fond of. Her thoughts had been drifting towards her after speaking with Duncan in Adam's apartment. What kind of person had she been? Duncan had loved her Richie had said. And then he had lost her.
Maybe that's why she
had wanted to come here. Maybe the part of her that was desperately
wanting to properly grieve Angel's death had seen something in
Duncan. A healing perhaps? He didn't seem to be constantly haunted
by her memory. And yet, Richie had said they were soul mates. Was
Richie just being poetic? Were soul mates even possible with
immortals? It was likely they loved many women in their lifetimes.
Were soul mates even possible at all?
Her mind instantly
conjured Angel's image and she shook her head fiercely, slightly
jarred by the intense longing that swept her being. No, soul mates
existed, that much was certain. She could feel that certainty every
time she pictured Angel's face.
Her short knocking on the door was answered by a very surprised Duncan MacLeod. He blinked once or twice upon seeing her, then recovered and swiftly invited her into his apartment. She looked about the place and found she quite liked it. He lived above a dojo, which Richie had mentioned that he ran. His elevator was old fashioned in a charming sort of way and his apartment seemed to contain the immortal trademark of appearing ancient yet modern in a way so few places could.
"Where's Adam?" Duncan wondered, looking past her.
"He went to see Joe." She told him as she began to walk around his living room, taking it all in. "I came here on my own."
"Any particular reason?" Duncan asked, curiosity evident. She opened her mouth, then shut it once more, embarrassed to realize she wasn't sure what to say. Finally she opted for humility.
"I came to apologize Mr. Mac…Duncan. I was rude to you before when you came to talk to me."
"You were," Duncan agreed shoving his hands in his pockets and advancing towards her. She stood near his bookshelf, admiring the odds and ends on his desks and tables. "But it wasn't without cause. I barged in and took you by surprise. I'm a complete stranger and you're in a city you don't know. I don't blame you for being rude."
"Yea, well you, Adam, Joe and Richie are the only people I know here." She smiled sheepishly. "And sarcasm never won any popularity contests."
"It must be lonely away from home." Duncan said gently. She turned away, hating the empathy she heard in his words.
"I didn't come here to talk about that." She murmured, not wanting to rehash the conversation about her loved ones that she had shared with Adam the night before. She had trusted Adam in a way she still didn't trust Duncan. She wasn't ready for him to know anything about her home.
"Then what did you come here for?" Duncan sounded almost impatient, not wanting to beat around the emotional bush any longer. As she searched for a way to respond, her eyes drifted to a photo in a frame that sat on one of Duncan's end tables. A slightly older blonde woman stared back at her, smiling in a way that seemed to light up the photo itself. This had to have been her…Duncan's love.
"She's beautiful." She heard herself say as headed towards the photo, almost forgetting Duncan was even in the room. He followed softly behind her. Running her finger over the photo, she could almost hear Tessa's laughter engulfing the room. What a woman she must have been!
"Tessa." Duncan's voice was a rasp, as if he hadn't expected the word to escape his lips and was shocked at the emotion it carried with it.
"Richie told me about her." Buffy admitted. "He said you loved her."
"Very much," Duncan whispered. He reached over her shoulder and picked up the photo. Buffy turned and gazed at the love in his eyes as he looked at it. "We were together for twelve years and it still feels like I didn't have enough time with her. Immortals…well, we never have enough. It always ends too soon, but with Tessa…she was special in a way that I'd never encountered before. Or will again."
"I'm sorry," she replied, hating the inadequacy of those words.
"I highly doubt you came to offer your sympathies." Duncan said with a shrug, although not unkindly. He set the photo down and she watched as he seemed to recompose himself as if on command. Centuries of pain must do that to you, she thought to herself. Would she ever learn to govern herself as well?
"You seem…OK about it." She ventured, not knowing where she was going with it, but needing to speak her thoughts. "You're not…wallowing in grief."
"She died a couple of years ago." Duncan responded, clearly confused. Buffy nodded, trying to quell the lump in her throat.
"But you loved her." She reiterated. "You were together for twelve years and then she died. And you seem so…well, how were you able to move past it?"
"What makes you think I did?" Duncan asked bluntly. She swallowed.
"The fact that you're able to smile." She looked away after she spoke, fearing already that she had revealed too much of her own pain. She herself found it hard to smile, even a little and she was certain Duncan had picked up on that. She felt open and exposed in front of him and didn't like the feeling.
"It never goes away Anne," He said finally after much thought. "The pain, the memories. No matter how much you move on with your life, the loss will always be there. I'll always see her face when I close my eyes. I constantly hear her voice in my dreams and whenever I have a nightmare, I see the night she died. It's always there."
"So then…how?" She spoke so quietly she wondered if Duncan had even heard her. She didn't want him to see her anguish, but she had to know.
"How do I live with it?" He chuckled humourlessly. "Time. That's really the only answer. The pain won't ever really leave, but time will teach you how to cope with it. It will teach you how to go on, when all you want to do is give up. And I know it may not seem like it, but it will teach you how to smile again."
"I guess for an immortal you would have to learn how to deal." Buffy remarked sympathetically. "She can't be the first you've lost."
Duncan shook his head and a thousand emotions played across his face, no doubt as he remembered countless others he had loved throughout his immortal life.
"No, but she was my heart." He said honestly. "I've loved a lot of women Anne, but never the way I loved her. It took me four hundred years to find her and I wouldn't trade a moment of what we had together, despite the pain I feel for losing her. I think you get one in every life, no matter how long…just one. And no matter how long it lasts, you have to hold onto it while you can and cherish it when it's gone, because you'll never get it back again."
The truth of his words hit her full force and she suddenly felt very suffocated by her surroundings. The agony of Angel's betrayed gaze cut into her once more and she knew that if she didn't get out of his apartment now, she would surely break down in front of him and that was something she refused to do. Swallowing her emotions, she backed herself towards the elevator.
"I…I have to go."
"Have I said something?" The compassion in his tone only made her feel worse.
"No, you were great, really I just have to…" she backed up further knowing she would reach the elevator soon, but not able to look back at it. "I have to go, I can't stay here. It was a mistake to come. I'm sorry for bringing up those memories Mr…Duncan. I'll talk to you…I gotta go."
As soon as the elevator reached the bottom, Buffy sucked in a desperate breath, as if she had been completely deprived of oxygen and headed for the street. She ran blindly towards Adam's apartment, tears streaming down her face knowing only that if she could just get there, she would receive the refuge she so desperately sought, at least for a little while.
