Giles,
I want to start off by saying I'm sorry for this letter. I'm sorry I have to write it and you have no idea how sorry I am that you are reading it. So I guess I should just cut to the chase and say that this is being written in the event of my death. Wow. It's a bit weird writing that. Kinda makes me feel like a grown-up. If you're old enough to write 'in the event of my death', you're old enough to die right? I guess that's unless you're a slayer.
Yea, I'm stalling. I'm stalling cause I really don't want to do this. I bet you want to read it even less. I wish I could say something better than I'm sorry.
I know you're wondering what happened. Well, simply put what happens to every other slayer in existence. I lost a fight. I lost against someone stronger, and better than me. I tried my best Giles, I really did, but obviously I just wasn't strong enough.
I want you to know that's not your fault. You did your best. No watcher could do more. You treated me as more than just a slayer. You treated me like a person…like a daughter. I know that might sound weird, but in some ways you've been more of a father to me than my real one ever was. Just so you know, I kinda liked it that way.
I know I failed you. Again, I'm sorry for that. There were probably a hundred different things I could have done to prevent this. I guess the obvious one would have been not running away. I wish I could tell you all the reasons why I did, but it would take more time than I've got and a letter isn't the proper place for that. Funny. I can tell you I'm dead, but not why I left.
I can tell you that I was stupid. Leaving was stupid. I know that now. Hindsight and all that. But I want you to know that I died fighting for a good cause. I died doing what slayers are supposed to do. I died fighting. I hope it was honorable. I guess even I can't know that, huh?
There's someone who does though. Someone who saw everything, who knows everything. He's standing right in front of you. He's the one who gave you this letter. His name is Adam Pierson. I can't tell you everything I would like to about him, but I can tell you that he was a friend. And that what happened wasn't his fault either, so please don't blame him.
He was there for me, when I needed someone. He saved me Giles in more ways than I can ever describe. He also saw how I died.
I've asked him to tell you everything, should you want to know. I expect you'll need to for your records. Tell the gang as well if they ask.
In fact, tell them a few other things for me.
Tell Willow that her spell worked. She'll know what I'm talking about. Tell her I don't blame her and that it wasn't her fault that I left. Tell her it was just something I needed to do. Tell her she is my best friend and that will never change. Tell her to stay with the magic. She's good at it. Tell her I love her.
Tell Xander I'm sorry. It's as inadequate for him as it is for you, but it's all I can think of. I never did too well in English. If I did, I could say something more poetic. I wish I could say something that will soothe the anger he's probably feeling. It's his way. Tell him to be angry if he needs to. He deserves it. Tell him to smile though too. I always liked that best about him.
Tell Oz to take care of Willow. I wish I knew him better to say something more exciting, but all I really know about him is that he loves Willow. And that's a good. Oz is a good guy and she'll need him. Tell him for that alone, I love him too.
Tell Cordy that I regret not being closer. I know that will sound odd to her, but we had a lot in common, despite her bitchiness. I used to be a lot like her in so many ways. Tell her to make sure she wins that May Queen crown next year. I'll be very disappointed if she doesn't. Tell her to take care of Xander.
Don't bother talking to my mom unless you want to. I'll be writing her a separate letter that explains as much as I want to reveal to her. Please, don't tell her everything you know. Before I left she found out who I was and couldn't deal. I don't want her to agonize over this anymore than she already will.
Giles I am so sorry. I wish I didn't have to keep writing that. I miss you guys already.
I want to say something better than this. I want to write something that will fix whatever hurt I've caused all of you. But I can't. So I guess that's all I can do.
I love all of you. And I'm sorry.
Buffy
Mom,
I don't know how to say this. I don't know how to write it again. I already did this with Giles and I can't even begin to know how to write it a second time.
I'm sorry we fought. I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry I wasn't the daughter I should have been…the daughter you wanted. I'm sorry I couldn't make you proud of me. I'm sorry that reading this letter means I'm dead.
Please, don't cry. It's a dumb thing to ask but I hate the idea that I made you cry. After everything else I did.
I know you don't believe everything I said. I know you can't believe it. Even with the proof right in front of your eyes. It's too much. I know that now. I should never have told you.
I know you're wondering how this happened. I wish I could tell you, but I doubt you'd believe that either.
It's my fault. I should have been more careful. It was an accident Mom. An accident I should have been able to prevent.
Don't blame yourself either OK? It's totally not your fault. I know you'll think that cause it's hardwired into your Mom-ness or something, but honestly it's not. There was nothing you could do. There was nothing anybody could do. It was fate. And you can't fight fate. Well you can, but it usually wins.
I love you Mom. No matter how much we fought, or how disappointed you were in me, I love you. You were an amazing Mom. Don't ever think you failed me. It's the other way around. I failed you.
I know that it may be hard, especially without someone to talk to. If you need to, the librarian at Sunnydale High…Giles, you remember him…he can help you understand this. He can explain to you what I can't bear to. I'm took weak Mom. I'm too much of a coward.
I guess that's it. There's nothing left for me to say that will help you.
Tell Dad I love him too. He'll understand this even less than you do. I don't know what message to give him cause I don't ever see him anymore. Tell him whatever you have to. It doesn't really matter I guess.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
-Buffy
