Little Shop of Mutants
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Nat King Cole stuck his finger in the pie and pulled out the bird".
Now I'm feeling better (actually dosed up on antibiotics, but still..) I decided to go back to updating this lovely parody. You get not one act, but two, you lucky people!
ACT 5 - A girl can dream
We open in the Radio station, where you can hear the broadcasts through the speakers in the waiting room. We can faintly hear Agatha and Irene singing.
W-S-K-I-D.
Skid Row Radiooooo
There is a brief tremor and some loud swearing before Lance begins to do a broadcaster voiceover.
"You're listening to Radio station WSKID, home of the hits. And in just a few minutes we'll bring you Funky Forge's Far Out World", he groans, "...God that's corny. The show where wonderful people bring in their Far Out things. But first, the weather.."
As Lance rambles on anouncing the weather, we see Kurt is sitting in the waiting room with Amanda II on his knee. Also in the room is Arcade with a giant nun and a saxaphone, Amara nursing a box that is chained up, and Colossus, with some very bizare looking contraption strapped to his back.
"Just a normal day in Todd Fan's mind, really", muses Kurt.
Kitty walks past and Kurt puts an arm out to stop her
"This is vorse than vaiting at ze post office", he says, "Excuse me, I vas told to come...".
"You're next", snaps Kitty, "SO BACK OFF!"
"Sorry", whimpers Kurt.
She leans on a desk and starts messing with some paperwork, as Kurt is glancing around the studio, Amanda II see's Kitty's rear end jutting out and opens it's mouth, reaching out to bite her. Kurt sees this in time and slams it's jaws shut
"Bad plant, no eating Kitty!", he hisses.
Lance finishes reading the weather and 70's music hits, we go into a sound booth, where Forge is sitting, surrounded by gadgets
"And now, Funky Forge's Far Out World, with your host, Funky Forge", he says, "that may be lame, but I get to play with all this neat stuff!"
He honks a bicycle horn into the microphone, before dinging a service bell
"Hi everybody, it's Far Out Funky Forge laughin' and scratchin' at ya", he says, "How's everybody doing today? I got a little bit of a stiff neck, let me just fix this up".
With a rather demanted laugh, he spins around a football clapper
"Oooooh, that feels alot better!".
"Vhat...did you do to him?", asks Kurt, watching the inventor with growing dread.
"We gave him some candy rock", says Warren, "...we didn't know that he'd react this way to it..honest".
"I...really don't vant to be in a small room vith him right now", says Kurt, then looks hopefully at Warren, "...can I come back later?".
Warren seems to consider this for a moment.
"No".
...Or not. He pushes Kurt into the room, who clings to Amanda II like a security blanket as he stares at a rather demented Forge
"I got a Groovy show for you today with some wonderfull Faaarrrrr Oouuuuuut stuff!", says Forge, "Whohahahhaha!".
He glances up as Kurt enters, a look in his eyes which suggests he's been out in the sun too long
"What are you doing here? Please lady, no!", he says, causing Kurt to look around with an arched brow, "Put your clothes back on!. It's Funky Forge, you can't do this to me! What if your husband were to walk in?".
He clears his throat and goes into a deep voice as Kurt looks around for any escape route other than the door that Warren is guarding
"I'm right here, Forge. I'm sorry, I love your show, but i'm going to have to kill you both with this machine gun", sas Forge, then SCREAMS into the microphone, "RATATATATATTATATATATATATAT!".
"Forge.", asks Kurt carefully, "...are you feeling...okay?".
"Oh you got me!", says Forge, clutching his chest, "Oh oh oh, I feel, I feel so very Grooooooovy! Hahahaha!".
Kurt gives a small whimper, wondering if he should just teleport away and how much cash he would lose if he quit the parody
"Ok, out first guest is a young man you probably read about in the newspapers, by the name of Kurt Wagne", says Forge, all note of insanity gone from his voice, "Is that correct?".
Kurt, finally thinking Forge has calmed down a little, walks over to the desk and nods
"Who has discovered a new breed of plant unkown on this planet", says Forge, "Let me play you down to your seat, Kurt".
He starts to clink some keys on a miniature piano, Kurt gulps and sits down, still rather worried
"Hello, Kurt!", says Forge.
Forge points at the microphone by Kurt who sighs and leans to it
"Err...hello, Forge", he says, "or demented sugar-rushed version of Forge"
"Geee, I wish you folks at home could see this Kurt, where did you get such a", Forge takes a breath, "Faaaaaarrrrr Ouuuuuuut plant?".
Kurt blinks, before taking a deep breath
"Vell, you remember zat total eclipse of ze sun about a veek ago?".
Da doo, sing the trio
We go to the flower store, where Todd is listening to the broadcast on the radio
"And thus we conclude our interview with Kurt Wagner, the young botanical..mind if I call you genius?", Forge pauses, "...even if it is MY title?".
"Gosh...no", rpelies Kurt.
"The genius who has discovered this most amazing, unidentifed plant", says Forge
"I'd like to remind our listeners zat ze Amanda II is on display exclusively at Tolensky's Skid Row Florists", says Kurt proudly.
Amanda taps on the window and Todd hops over quickly opening it, letting Amanda, who's arm is in a sling, into the shop
"Did I miss it?", asks Amanda, only to be susshed by Todd.
"And so until next week...", starts Forge
"The address!", screams Todd at the radio.
"...Forge saying, so long...".
"The address!".
"Open six days a vee...", starts Kurt, a little slow off the mark.
"Faaaaaaar Oouuuuuut!"., finishes Forge, the broadcast ending.
"I said mention the address!", screms Todd at the radio, giving it a shake, "stupid fuzzy elf!"
"He can't hear you...you know?", points out Amanda.
The show ends and Todd sighs, turning it off
"Oh well, it's still good advertising", he says.
Todd closes up the shop and he and Amanda step out onto the street
"Kurt's first radio broascast. I wanted to hear it so bad, i tried to be on time but...", she trails off, looking away.
"Don't tell me, ya got tied up", says Todd, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"No, just handcuffed a little", says Amanda
"...I could'a done without hearin' that", grimaces Todd, shuddering.
He shakes his head and leaves, Tabby, Wanda and Rogue, now in their street clothes, have been watching this and apporach her
"Girl, hey girl!", shouts Wanda, "I don't know who this mess is you've been hanging out with, but he is hazardous to your health!".
"Oh..that's for sure", says Amanda, then sighs, "but I can't leave him".
"Why not?", asks Tabby, crossing her arms.
"Oh, he'd get angry", reasons Amanda, "If he does this to me when he likes me, imagine what he'd do if he ever got mad".
"Castrate him", growls Wanda.
"So? Dump the chump", says Rogue, "Get another guy and let him protect you!...not that women NEED men to protect them, who wrote THIS script!".
"How about the little jerk with the", Wanda pauses, "...tail?".
"Kurt?", asks Amanda
"That's him!", says Tabby, "not too many guys with tails walking about, are there?"
"Oh, we're just friends", says Amanda, "I don't even deserve a sweet, considerate, suddenly successful guy like Kurt".
With that, she enters her house and closes the door, leaving the girls on the street
"That poor child suffers from low self-image", says Rogue
"You got a point", says Tabby.
"She got a problem", says Wanda, then shrugs, "...oh well, lets go get a soda".
With that, they walk off and we cut to the interior of Amanda's tiny home, where Amanda begins to sing.
I know Kurt is the greatest
But
I'm dating a semi-sadist
So
I've got a black eye
And
my arm's in a cast
Still,
that Kurt is a cutie
Well,
if not, he's got inner beauty
She sighs, hugging a cuddly dog and walking around
And I dream of a place
Where
we could be together at last
She opens a copy of 'Bayville's Better Homes and Gardens', flicking through the pictures
A matchbox of our own
A
fence of real chain link
A
grill out on the patio
Disposal
in the sink
A
washer and a dryer and an ironing machine
In
a tract house that we share
Somewhere
that's green.
We go off to Amanda's dream cheesy home, where Kurt is moving the lawn, while the cuddly dog become a real one
He rakes and trims the grass
He
loves to mow and weed
I
cook like Betty Crocker
And
I look like Donna Reed
Inside the house, Amanda is happily cleaning around
There's plastic on the furniture
To
keep it neat and clean
In
the Pine-Sol scented air
Somewhere
that's green
We see her dance around her house a bit, keeping a cheesy grin on her face all the time. We see Hank having a tupper-wear party. We go to where they are both sitting in front of the TV, with a little Kurt and a little Amanda on the floor with the dog
"Awwww...our kids would be so cute!", sighs Amanda
"Nein! Nein children!", screams Kurt from backstage
"Wow, we could have NINE!", squeals Amanda, "I love you!".
"I'm going...to go cry now", sighs Kurt.
Amanda ignores him, continuing to sing.
Between our frozen dinner
And
our bedtime, nine-fifteen
We
snuggle watchin' Lucy
On
our big, enormous twelve-inch screen
"My parents had one of those when I was three...", muses Forge from backstage.
Later once again, they check on the kids and head to bed themselves as Amanda sings.
I'm his December Bride
He's
Father, he Knows Best
Our
kids play Howdy Doody
As
the sun sets in the west
A
picture out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine
It is revealed that the bedroom has twin beds
"Vhat ze Hell did I do to YOU!", squeaks Kurt.
We go back to Amanda's tiny little appartment, where she closes the book sadly
Far from Skid Row
I
dream we'll go
Somewhere
that's green
"And cut!", shouts Warren.
Amanda suddenly rushes to the bathroom
"Need to throw up, too cheesy, feeling...sick!", she cries.
Whahooo, another chappie done. You like? Do review. Until next time...
