Little Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Goodnight slot-head".


ACT 7 - A good reason to brush your teeth


We open with Pyro driving along on a motorcycle, looking tough and scary. He gives one of his fmaous manic grins before laughing into song.

When I was younger, just a bad little kid


My mama noticed funny things I did


Like shootin' puppies with a B B gun


I'd poison guppies, and when I was done


I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head.

"Todd Fan would like to point out that, as an animal rights activist, she disagrees with all of these things", says Warren, popping on screen, "thank you and enjoy the deranged rambling that is our show".

Pyro blinks, before shrugging, going back to singing.


That's when my mama said...

He leaps off his bike by a building, then looks at his bike, it stops all by itself, terrified of it's owner. Wanda, Tabby and Rogue are standing out on the street in grey costumes

What did she say?, they sing

Pyro carries on into the building

She said, 'My boy, I think someday


You'll find a way to make your natural tendencies pay

He suddenly remvoes his leather jacket, revealing a dentists uniform underneath.

"We're all going to die!", screams Dani, where is is waiting in line.

Pyro grins manically, continuing to sing.

You'll be a dentist

You have a talent for causin' things pain

Pain, sing the trio.

Logan walks by in a nurses uniform, Pyro studdnly juts out his fist, knocking Logan to the ground

"OWWW!", winces Pyro, shaking his hand, "adamantium skulls HURT!".

"That's not the only thing that'll be hurtin'", mutters Logan from the floor.

Pyro laughs nervously, then continues his song.

Son, be a dentist

People will pay you to be inhumane

All his clients in the waiting room shrivel away in fright from him. As he passes Evan, he snaps his skateboard in half.

"Awww...man", sighs Evan sadly.

Pyro skips into one of his dental rooms, where Alex is sitting rather nervously in a chair, more nervous of the singing Aussie than anything else.

Your temp'rament's wrong for the priesthood


And teaching would suit you still less


Son, be a dentist. You'll be a success'

He knees Alex in the side, before twisting a very nasty set of dental pliers in Alex's mouth

"Pain...so very much", whimpers Alex, "...pain".

He leaves Alex and goes into the next room, where Scott is strapped to a chair, trying his best to escape

"Crazy Austrailian with dental exquipment!", mutters Scott, then notices Pyro in the room, giving a whimper, "...mother!".

The girls appear again, this time dressed in dental uniforms

Here he is, folks: the leader of the plaque!, sings Rogue

Pyro grins at Scott, then puts a gas mask on his face, sucking in the gas. He gives a VERY manical laugh.

Watch him suck up that gas! Oh, my god!, sings Tabby

"Is that REAL gas?", asks Scott, wide-eyed behind his visor.

"No, it's just air, that laughing is perfectly natural", says Wanda, then adds as an afterthought, "...for him".

He's a dentist and he'll never ever be any good, she sings

Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade?, sing the trio.

Pyro give a manical laugh and sticks a needle in Scott's mouth

Oh that hurts!, sings Scott, then blinks, Wait, I'm not numb!

Pyro arches a brow, before smirking, whirring his drill evily.

Oh, shut up open wide here I come!

Pyro suddenly attacks Scott's mouth with a drill, we get to see a lovely view from inside Scott's mouth, where Pyro is drilling away, the girls behind him

I am your dentist, sings Pyro

He's my dentist, sings Scott arkwardly through his open mouth

And I enjoy the career that I picked, sings Pyro

He loves it, sing the trio.

I am your dentist, sings Pyro

Fitting braces, sing the girls, backing away slightly.

And I get off on the pain I inflict, sings Pyro.

As he leaves the room, he wacks Nurse Logan with the door, knocking him to the floor..again

Really love it, sing the girls, watching Logan in amusement,

Stepping over Logan, Pyro floricks through the corridors, any and all patitents running for their lives as he sings.

I thrill when I drill a bicuspid


It's swell though they tell me I'm maladjusted.

He enters another room, where Jean is floating by the ceiling, whimpering.

"No, never, ever will I let you near my perfect teeth!", she screams.

Pyro ignores her, continuing to sing.

And though it may cause my patients distress


Somewhere, somewhere in heaven above me


I know, I know, that my mama's proud of me

He opens a closest, rvealing a mini-shrine to Mrs Allerdyce...who looks just as manic as her offspring.

"Oh, mamma", grins Pyro.

'Cause I'm a dentist and a success

He clicks his fingers and Jean falls into the chair. He gets the weird water squirty thing and advances on her, spraying it into her mouth

Say ah!

"Ahhhhgggggh!", screams Jean

Say ah!

"Ahhhghhhhh!", screams Jean, with added terror.

Say ah!

"Ahhhhhghhhhhhhhhhhhh!", gurgles Jean, her mouth filled with water.

Now spit, sings Pyro.

He smacks her on the back and we cut to outside the flower shop, where Kurt is epmtying flower vases of their water. He starts to go inside, but pauses upon hearing a motorcycle revving and the sound of manical laughter

"...Logan?", asks Kurt, blinking around.

Suddenly, Pyro and his motorbike suddenly drop from the sky into the alley. Pyro gets off and sucks up some protable laughing gas, before laughing manically and starting to go inside

"God save my little broken body", whimpers Kurt, before taking a deep breath, stepping in front of Pyro, "Excuse me sir, you can't go in zere right now".

Pyro glares at Kurt, before yanking him forwards, making Kurt whimper

"Relax", grins Pyro, "You want some nitrous oxide?".

Kurt blinks at the portable gas canister.

"I'm trying to quit", he says, with a cough, "...sorry".

"Suit yourself", says Pyro with a shrug.

He sucks up some more gas, before giggling almost satanically and starting to enter the shop again

"Ve're closed", says Kurt weakly.

Pyro pauses, before turning around and advancing on Kurt. Amanda suddenly rushes out before Pyro can kill the Elf

"It's all right, Kurt. This is my date, my boyfriend", she says, "Kurt, St John Allerdyce".

Pyro snaps his head to glare at her

"Err... D.D.S", she adds with a nervous laugh.

"Zey gave YOU a title?", asks Kurt, blinking dubiously at Pyro.

Pyro nods then smirks at Kurt

"Hey! I know you, i saw you the the news! I even know your name, Now lets see", Pyro squints his eyes, obviously thinking hard, "It's...Kevin..No, no...it's err, Karl..".

"Nein", says Kurt, "it's..."

"Give me a chance!", snaps Pyro, "It's...Kermit?".

"Kurt!", says Amanda with a grin.

Pyro turns around to glare at her

"Somebody talking to you?", he asks.

"Bring it on, fire boy!", snarls Amanda.

"Amanda", sighs Warren, "...please read the script".

"Yeah, well no girl I know would take this trash for a laughing gas junkie idiot!", snaps Amanda, crossing her arms, "Todd Fan's a feminist"

"As well as an animal rights activist?", asks Kurt, arching a brow.

"She's a hippie", says Warren with a shrug, "without the drugs and dancing around naked hugging trees".

"Okey dokey then", blinks Pyro, "I have issues with being so nasty too!...i don't hit girls".

"No, but you'll try and blow them up with an oil tanker", snaps Wanda, crossing her arms moodily.

"I'm not ASKING you to hit her, just...threaten her...you're good at that, right?", tries Warren, before shaking his head, walking away, "...I need a lie down. Just read your lines so we can go home".

"No...excuse me", says Amanda, putting on a fake whimper.

"Excuse me WHAT?", snaps Pyro, feigning anger.

"Excuse me, Doctor", adds Amanda.

"That's better", says Pyro.

He turns his attention back to Kurt, who has been watching the way he treated Amanda with wide-eyes

"I know! You're the plant guy, right?", grins Pyro, "Weell, heey, that means it must be in there, huh?".

He walks into the shop and looks at Amanda II

"Well. That is incredible!", he says, squinting at her, "What do you call that thing!.

"Amanda II", says Kurt.

"Cute name, it's catchy. Nice plant", Pyro blinks, "Big".

"Shouldn't we be leaving now?", asks Amanda.

Pyro spins around and advances on her

"You're quite the little chatterbox tonight, 'aint ya?".

"I'm sorry", squeaks Amanda.

"Sorry, WHAT?", growls Pyro.

"Sorry, Doctor. Doctor", says Amanda, wincing away, "Sorry, Doctor".

She cowers from him and he smirks, looking at Kurt

"You've got to train them, huh stud?", he grins.

He clicks his fingers, ordering Amanda to turn his bike around, which she does

"Here's my card", he says, handing Kurt a card, "You need a root canal or anything like that, give me a buzz".

"I think you vould be ze last person I called if I vanted a root canal", says Kurt dryly.

"I'm serious", says Pyro, then adds with a wink, "it's on the house!".

"Lucky me", mutters Kurt.

"Amanda!", shouts Pyro.

She sits on the back of his motorbike as he gets on it

"You got the handcuffs?", he asks.

"Someone's going to get beaten uuuup!", sings Kurt with a growl.

"They're right in my bag", says Amanda.

Pyro nods, takes another whiff of gas before laughing manically, starting up his bike and driving off with Amanda into the night

"And cut", says Warren.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry", squeaks Pyro, "...can I buy you some chocolate to make up for it?"

"Mmmmmmmm chocolate", grins Amanda.


And there is another act done and dusted! Do review. Until next time...