Little Shop of Mutants
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Were you born with that knife superglued onto your hand or what".
Wow, I haven't updated this fic in a while. Bad TF, BAD!. I'd better give you two acts to make up for it ;)
ACT 8 - A meal for mother
After watching Pyro and Amanda leave, Kurt goes back into the shop, he sighs and looks over at Amanda II
"You ought to see ze vay he treats her, Towey", he says, apparently finding nothing unusual in speaking to a plant, "She deserves a prince, not a sadistic creep like him. Ze man's a total disgrace to ze dental profession".
"Hey!", shouts Pyro from backstage.
Kurt sighs, giving Amanda II a gentle pat on the..err..head
"I don't know vhat's going on sometimes. Seems like ze vhole vorld ees going crazy", he says, "At least ve got each other, right? I'm gonna turn in, Twoey. I'll see you in ze morning".
As he goes to shut down the blinds, Amanda II droops to the floor
"Ach, here ve go again", he mutters, "Come on, I haven't got much left. Just give me a few days to heal and ve'll start again on ze left hand and...".
"Feed me", says Mystique.
"I...", Kurt blinks, "beg your pardon?".
"Feed me", says Mystique, still on the floor.
"Twoey, you talked!", says Kurt in amazement, "You opened your trap and you said...".
Mystique suddenly pulls her head up to 'stare' at Kurt
We would like to remind our viewers that Mystique will be in the form of a plant for the duration of this fan fic", says Warren with not-very-well hidden glee.
"Feed me Wagner!", she shouts, "Feed me NOW!".
"I can't!", whimpers Kurt pathetically, "you hate me, my mother hates me!"
"Kurt..I don't hate you", sighs Mystique.
"You threw me into a river!".
"Can we discuss family issues off the set please?", snaps Warren.
"But I'm starving!", says Mystique.
"Look, maybe I can squeeze a little more out of this one", says Kurt, then pauses, "you know, out of context...that sounds very, very vrong"
He takes off one of the plasters on his fingers and shows it to Mystique, nothing coming out
"More! More! More!", shouts Mystique
"That sounds familiar", muses Sabertooth from backstage.
"Shut up!", snaps Mystique.
"There isn't any more! Vhat do you vant me to do?", asks Kurt, "Slit my vrists?".
"Ahhhh", grins Mystique.
Kurt blinks, backing away from her
"Oh..boy. Look, i've got an idea. I'll go down to Freddy's and pick you up some nice chopped sirloin".
"Must be blood", says Mystique.
"Twoey", grimaces Kurt, "...that's disgusting".
"Must be fresh!", points out Mystique.
"I don't vant to hear this", says Kurt, covering his ears.
Feed me!, sings Mysique.
"Does eet have to mutant?", asks Kurt.
Feed me!, sings Mystique.
"Does eet have to be mine?", tries Kurt.
Feed me!, sings Mystique.
"Vhere am I supposed to get eet?", asks Kurt dryly, "...Fresh Corpses R Us?".
Mystique smirks, lauching into full blown-out song.
Feed me, Kurty
Feed me all night long
That's right, boy!
You can do it!
Feed me, Kurty
Feed me all night long
Ha, ha, ha, ha ha.
'Cause if you feed me, Kurty
I can grow up big and strong
"You eat blood, Amanda II, let's face eet", says Kurt, "How am I supposed to keep feeding you? Kill people!".
"I'll make it worth your while", smirks Mystique.
"Vas!", asks Kurt, wide-eyed.
"You think this is all a coincidence, baby?", asks Mystique, "The sudden success around here?. The press coverage?".
Kurt frowns and starts to back away
"Look, you're a plant", he says, more to himself than the plant, "An inanimate object!".
As he walks away, Mystique uses a vine to pull a chair up behind Kurt, making him sit on it as she pulls it, and him, inches from her face
"Eeep", eeps Kurt.
"Does this look inanimate to you, punk!", snaps Mystique, "If I can talk and I can move, who's to say I can't do anything I want?".
"Maybe ze fact you are stuck in a plant pot", mutters Kurt, but after getting a disaproving look from Warren adds, "...I mean...like vhat?".
"Like deliver, pal", grins Mystique, "Like, see you get evertyhing your sacred, greasy heart desires!".
"Oh gee...thanks", mutters Kurt as Mystique sings again.
Would you like a Cadillac car?
Or a guest shot on Jack Paar?
How about a date with Hedy Lamarr?
"Vho?", asks Kurt, confused.
You gonna git it, sings Mystique.
If you want it, baby
How would you like to be a big wheel
Dinin' out for every meal?
I'm the plant to make it all real
You gonna git it
"No sale...", says Kurt.
"Shut up, Kurt!", snaps Warren
"I already don't like vorking vith HER", sniffs Kurt
"It isn't peaches and cream for me either, son!", snaps Mystique.
"STOP IT, STOP IT NOW!", screams Warren, "from this moment on, you are not related on the set, you are two idiots who have to read their scripts or get shot at, got it!"
The two grumble under their breaths before Mystique starts to sing again.
Hey, I'm your genie
I'm your friend
I'm your willing slave
Take a chance
Feed me, eh?
You know what kinda eats
What kinda red hot treats
What kinda sticky licky sweets I crave
Come on, Kurty, don't be a putz.
Trust me and your life will surely rival King Tut's
Show a little initiative, boy, work up some guts
And you'll git it.
Kurt frowns, walking away form her, hanging his head as he sings.
I don't know
"Come on, boy!", says Mystique
I don't know, sings Kurt.
"Lighten up", mutters Mystique.
I have so, so many strong reservations, sings Kurt.
"Tell it to the marines", sneers Mystique.
Should I go and perform mutilations?
He glances at a table where Forge's arm, with a lovely big blade is sitting
"Question", pipes up Forge from backstage, "why is it whenether there is a weapon involved in these parodies, you people use my arm?"
"It saves on the movie's budget", says Warren with a shrug.
Forge considers this for a moment.
"Oh..okay...I don't want any blood on it when I get it back".
Mystique giggles a little, then looks at Kurt.
"You didn't have nothin', 'till you had me. Come on kid, what will it be? Money? Girls? One particular girl? How about that Amanda?", Mystique's grin widens, "Think it over, there must be someone eighty-six, reeeeeal quite like, and get me some LUNCH!".
Think about a room at the Ritz
Wrapped in velvet, covered in glitz
A little nookie gonna clean up those zits
"Vas zits?", asks Kurt, with a frown, "I have no vits!"
And you'll git it, sings Mystique.
Kurt thinks for a few moments before smiling slightly.
Gee, I'd like a Harley machine
"Now you're thinking!", grins Mystique as Kurt sings.
Toolin' around like I was James Dean
Makin' all the guys on the corner turn green
So go git it, sings Mystique.
If you want to be profound
If you really got to justify
Take a whiff and look around
A lot of folks deserve to die.
Kurt eeps and slams Mystique's mouth closed
"Vait a minute, zats not a very nice thing to say!", he says.
"But it's true, isn't it?", grins Mystique,"like the guy at Marvel who decided to cancel my series. Oh well, at least I got to have a lip-lock with Forge at the end"
"Todd Fan made odd little 'squee' sounds when that happened", mutters Forge, "she's just happy I get ANY action"
"WIll you two stop moaning about your failed lives and get on with it?", snaps Warren.
"Nein! I don't know anyone vho deserves to get chopped up and fed to a hungry plant!", says Kurt, "..though Marvel DID put my series on hiatus..."
"Mmmmmm sure you do", grins Mystique.
She points out of the window, where we see Pyro riding up on his motorbike. He gets off it and it, once again, stops on it's own
"Stupid woman. Christ, what a friggin' scatterbrain!", mutters Pyro.
We see Amanda running up, she runs past Wanda, Rogue and Tabby, in their street clothes as she goes
"I'm sorry, doctor. I'm sorry, doctor!", says Amanda.
"Falls off the motorcycle!", says Pyro
"I'm clumsy, doctor!", whimpers Amanda.
"Messes my hair!", rants Pyro
Pyro kicks open the door to Amanda's appartment building, while Amanda tries to open the door of her appartment
"Get the door open you little slut", Pyro whimpers, "sorry, sorry"
"I'm trying, Doctor! Im trying!", says Amanda, then rolls her eyes, "stop saying your sorry, you're a lousy actor!"
They walks in and we see their shiloettes on the window blinds
"Get the Vitalis. Quick, the Vitalis!", says Pyro
"I'm out of it!", says Amanda, "and I'm not sure what it is"
"What!", asks Pyro.
We see on the shiloette, Pyro give Amanda a slap
"Err, for the record, folks...I didn't do that", says Pyro, "It was a trick of the light".
"Nope, he DID but me lots of chocolate though", Amanda grins, "...I like this guy".
We go into the shop where Kurt is wtaching this angrily
"HE'S TRYING TO STEAL MY VOMAN!", screams Kurt before he and Mystique sing in unison.
If you want a rationale
It isn't very hard to see, no, no, no
Stop and think it over, pal
The guy sure looks like plant food to me
"Huh?", asks Pyro
The guy sure looks like plant food to me
The guy sure looks like plant food to me
YEAH YEAH, sings Mystique
He's so nasty, treatin' her rough, sings Kurt
Smackin' her around and always talkin' so tough, sings Mystique
You need blood and he's got more than enough
"Oh...crap", says Pyro.
I need blood and he's got more than enough
"Double crap", says Pyro.
I/You need blood and he's got more than enough, they sing in unison
So go git it!, sings Mystique.
"And cut!", says Warren.
"Do I really have to be so mean?...I feel awful!", sighs Pyro sadly.
"Shut up, I have to eat people", says Mystique, "...I have to eat you".
"What!", squeaks Pyro.
Click on to the next fun filled act!
