Little Shop of Mutants
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Be nice to the delivery guy its not his fault he can't read".
Wee, the second act of this two parter. Say 'Bye Bye' to Pyro, folks!
ACT 9 - Death of a Dentist
We open in the Dental surgey, where screaming can be heard. Pietro is sitting on his chair, looking like a kid waiting in line to go on a very cool ride. Logan, still in nurses uniform, walk past and Pietro jumps in front of him
"Hey, are they finished?", asks Pietro excitedly, "My turn?".
"SIT!", hisses Logan
Pietro sighs and sits down. A door opens and Evan steps out with Storm, a huge metal...thing attached to his mouth, with bits of wires attatched to his spikes.
"What happened", asks Pietro excitedly, "What did he do?. Tell me everything!".
Evan makes mumbling and squeaking noises, gesturing at the contraption on his face
"They have to do that to remove the jaw", says Pietro, matter-of-factly, "Ahhh consider yourself very, very lucky".
Storm takes the crying Evan away and Pietro sits down again. Pyro walks out of his office and looks around the waiting room
"Next!", calls out Pyro.
Pietro jumps up and down excitedly
"It's me, Pietro Maximoff!", he squeals with excitement, "I'm next!".
"...What did you feed him?", asks Wanda, blinking.
"Pixie sticks", smiles Warren, "isn't he fun?"
Pyro looks at him and blinks
"Nurse?".
Logan, a biker jacket over his nurses uniform pauses at the door
"You keep calling me that, and you'll NEED a nurse", he growls.
"Does THAT have an appointment?", asks Pyro, pointing at Pietro.
"Ask IT", growls Logan, "I'm off duty".
With that, he leaves, Pietro jumps off his chair and skips over to Pyro
"I've been saving all month for this", he says, "I think I need a root canal. I'm sure I need a long, slow root canal".
Pyro turns to face him and Pietro opens his mouth. Pyro gives an anyoyed sigh
"Let's go", says Pyro
"I have a history of dental problems", chatters Pietro.
"Shut up!", snaps Pyro, not all that bothered about being nasty to Pietro, as he heads to his room.
Pietro gives a happy sigh
"Yes, doctor", he whispers.
"God...that's creepy", says Warren wiht a shudder, then grins, "I love it, keep shooting!".
Pietro skips happily into a dental room and sits down, while Pyro preps the room, Pietro preps himself, he is obviously well used to what needs to be done
"I went to a terrible dentist on Wednesday, who was recommended to me by somebody I saw on Monday, who is the brother of a man I usually see on Sundays. And their mother actually taught them everything they know", natters Pietro, unware at how boring he is, and how all the readers will skip over his words, "She's incredibly gifted, but elderly. People think she shouldn't be working. But I go to her because I'm just incredibly devoted to her strength. She can't really see who you are, but she knows the sound of your voice", you could put a random word like dimple here and no one would notice, "And if you tell her where it is, the problem, she eventually works her way back, she finds the trouble and she does it. I wish I had that stamina. I can only go so long. That's how I want to be. I don't ever want to have to be just...".
Fed up of his yammering, Pyro knocks back the dental chair and grins at Pietro from abaove
"Ahhhhhh!", screams Pietro
"Comfy?", asks Pyro with that particular grin of his.
"Yes, doctor. I remember the first time I went to a dentist", says Pietro, "I thought 'gosh what a neat job! If only I were a dentist'".
Pyro opens up a cabinet filled with dangerous looking dental equipment that Forge put together last minute
"The dentist I went to had the greatest car. He had a corvette", yaps on Pietro, "Everybody calls him 'Doctor', and he's not really a doctor. Oh my God!".
Pietro sits up, watching Pyro take out the nasty looking gizmos
"I got out of there okay, but after it was finished, they gave me a candy bar", says Pietro, panick edging into his voice, "And I thought 'I get a candy bar?' This is what you do, you go thorugh that and get chocolate. But getting to work with incredible professionals, using incredibly wonderfull equipment..."
"Thank you", smiles Forge
"Lets take a look at that mouth", grins Pyro.
He hold up a rather violent looking spikey thing
"Say ahhhhh", grins Pyro
"Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!", screams Pietro.
We cut to outside in the waiting room, where Kurt walks sneakily in. We can hear Pietro screaming about candy bars in the background. Kurt removes a gun from his back pocket into his front one. Back inside the surgery, Pyro watches Pietro in wonder. He has a grin on his face, despite the fact the inside of his mouth has just been ravaged.
"Yeah, great! You are something special", squeals Pietro, "You are something special. Come on! Come on!".
"Okay, and you people say I'M physcotic", asks Pyro, "Have you SEEN this guy!".
As Pyro adavnces with some even NASTIER looking eqiupment, we cut to the waiting room again, where Kurt listens nervously to the pain-filled, yet happy cries of Pietro. Back in the surgey, Pyro is twisting Pietro's mouth at all angles
"It's your professionalism that I respect", giggles Pietro, "Don't stop, Doc. Don't stop! Come on! More!".
"Okay, you stop that, right now!", snaps Pyro.
Pyro pulls out a pair of grabbers and Pietro flicks his tounge around in is mouth
"What do you want?", giggles Pietro, "Say, please!".
Pyro grabs Pietro's tounge with the grapsers and pulls back, before poinging it back in his mouth. Kurt shifts uncofortably as he hears happy laugher
"I'm going to get a candy bar!", squeals Pietro.
Pietro claps excitedly as Pyro adavances on his with a drill, Pietro makes delighted noises. Pyro takes his drill away and looks at Pietro, disgusted
"Get out", growls Pyro.
Pietro blinks and spits out the cottonballs
"What's wrong?", he asks inocently.
"Get out of here!", snaps Pyro
"What's the matter?", asks Pietro
"Go on, get out of here!", shouts Pyro.
Pyro forcibly pushes Pietro out of the surgery and towards the door.
"I'm gonna tell each and every one of my friends about you and they're gonna hear..."., yaps on Pietro.
"Just get...", Pyro trails off as he pushes Pietro's chest.
He reaches into Pietro's jacket to pull out a piece of dental equipment
"Oopps...Heh he..sorry", chuckles Pietro.
Pyro growls and slams the door shut
"Goddamn sicko!", mutters Pyro.
"Pot calling the kettle black, there, St. John", points out Warren.
Pyro heads back, but then notices Kurt, he points the dental equipment at him
"Let me ask you something", he says, "Does this thing scare you?".
"You scare me", mutters Kurt, "...I mean, Ja".
"Would you like if I took this thing and made straight for your godamn incisors!", growls Pyro.
"Nein!", whimpers Kurt, crouching into the seat.
"It'd hurt, right?", asks Pyro, "You'd scream, right?"
Kurt nods
"Then get your ass in there!", snaps Pyro, pushing Kurt into the surgery and into a dental chair, "Say, don't I know you?".
"Kurt Vagner", says Kurt, "ve met yesterday".
"Your mouth's a mess kid! Look at those fangs!", says Pyro, "That wisdom tooth, we'll rip that little bugger right out of there! What do you say?".
"NEIN!", screams Kurt in mind-numbing-absolute horror.
"There's always time for dental hygene, Kurt", says Pyro, "You ever seen the results of a neglected mouth?".
He runs over to a light box and puts it on, showing a close-up picture of Rahne in wolf form, snarling.
"Look, Kurt. This could happen to you", says Pyro, "Unless I take immediate action!".
He pulls a gadget over to Kurt's side
"Vas is das?".
"A drill!", grins Pyro.
He clicks it on and sure enough, it s a drill
"Eet's rusty!", whimpers Kurt.
"It's an antique. They don't make 'em like this anymore", says Pyro, looking at the drill as if it were a work of art.
"Nien, there something called 'health and safety code vilolations'!", points out Kurt.
"Sturdy, heavy, dull", says Pyro in awe.
Kurt winces and keeps him mouth tight closed as Pyro advances on him with the drill, Pyro pauses
"I'm gonna want some gas for this", says Pyro.
"Thank God", sighs Kurt, "I thought you vere'nt going to use any".
"Oh that gas isn't for you, Kurt. It's for me", says Pyro reasurringly.
"Now...I'm vorried", Kurt is not reassured.
"You see, I want to really enjoy this", says Pyro, "In fact, I'm going to use my special gas mask!".
"I vant to go home...", cries Kurt.
"I find a little giggle gas beforeIi begin increases my pleasure enormously", says Pyro.
As Pyro goes to the back, Kurt gets out the gun, then puts it back in his pocket. Pyro emerges from the back room with a huge mask on his face, attached to a tank of gas. On either side of the mask, small balloon-like things go up and down with his breathing
"You can always count on Forge to build somehthing bizare and useless in a few seconds with a limited film budget", smiles Warren
"This is a snug fit Forge", smiles Pyro, "...may I keep it".
"Errr...ok.", says Forge.
"Here we go", grins Pyro.
He grins and turns on the machine, his eyes going wide again
"Forge...you did remember only to put NORMAL air in that thing..didn't you?", asks Warren
"You asked for a laughing gas machine, you got it", says Forge, crossing his arms, "you wanted different, you should have said".
Warren digests this information for a minute, before his eyes widen.
"Oh dear God", he screams, "KURT GET OUT OF THERE!".
Pyro's eyes go wide and he starts to giggle
"Oh Kurt, I'm flying", giggles Pyro hysterically.
"I'm goinng to die", whimpers Kurt, "...this vas not how I thought I vould go!".
Pyro starts up the drill, it hanging from his hand and swinging
"The things I'm gonna do to that mouth!", he says gleefully.
"Please, I don't van't to die!", sobs Kurt.
He gets within inches of shoving the drill in Kurt mouth before laughing manically and backing away. He goes to the close-up of wolf-Rahne mouth and switches on the lightbox. He giggles hysterically and points at the picture. Kurt gets up from his chair and back himself into a corner, getting the gun from his pocket and pointing it at the manic Austrailian. Pyro giggles a little less when he sees Kurt.
"What the hell's that? A gun?", Pyro grins, "Hehehhehehhehehe! The kids got a goddamn revolver. Teeehehehehhehehehehhe. I'm in trouble now, huh?. Wait 'till I turn this gas off".
He reaches behind him to turn off the gas, only to have the handle snap off in his hand
"Oh...would you look at that", says Forge, then sighs, "I KNEW there was something I was supposed to fix on that before I let anyone use it!".
"You mean you didn't test it first!", screams Warren
"Test?", Forge blinks, "What is this 'Test'?".
Pyro looks at the handle, before looking at Kurt, who is still pointing the gun at him
"Uh oh...awwww give me a hand would ya?", Pyro pauses to consider, "No, I guess you wouldn't, would you?".
Pyro starts to cough and laugh at the same time, falling to the floor, desperately trying to rip the gadget off his back
"We really should go and help...", starts Forge
"I want to finish off this scene", says Warren, "...I'm going for an Oscar here"
"If Pyro dies", points out Forge, "Todd Fan will be maaad".
Pyro, meanwhile, is still frailing around on the floor
"You see, Kurt, I could asphyx haha cough hahhah", he giggles and coughs, "I could aspyx...cough hahahahahhaa".
He slumps against a wall, his eyes going glassy.
"What'd I ever do to you?".
"Nothing", says Kurt, "Eets's vhat you did to her".
"Her who?", asks Pyro
Kurt glares at him
"Oh, her", says Pyro, then suddenly flumps down, the balloony thingies stopping moving, his eyes open, his mouth in a grin).
Vhat a vay to go", muses Kurt, "...err...shouldn't ve get medical assistance..now?".
"Okay, okay, cut", says Warren, "Forge, get that damn thing off him before he dies and Todd Fan has our heads".
We will cut here while my mutants try to keep Pyro alive...I really don't want him dead, if he dies someone will hang!...and I hang my director!
"For the love of God St.John, breathe!", screams Warren.
Okay, do review. Until next time...
