Little Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "It's plot exposition. It has to go somewhere".

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Are you ready for the last 2 acts? I bet you are!

ACT 13 - A plant plot revealed.

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We go to a little later, where Mystique is 'sleeping' in the shop. We see Kurt step around a door, carrying two suitcases. He bamfs to the door and is about to leave.

"Feed me", says Mystique

"Damn, she heard me", mutters Kurt, then glares at Mystique, "...Under no cicumstances".

"Feed me!", says Mystique again

"I vill not, so stop asking", says Kurt.

"Fine, let your mother starve!", she snaps, "Feed me!".

"Nein, no more!", says Kurt, "I can't take living vith ze guilt".

"Tough titty", growls Mystique.

"Mother!", squeaks Kurt, "You vatch your language".

Mystique raises herself to her full height

"Awww cut the crap", she snaps, "Bring on the meat!".

"Okay, okay. I'll bring you meat", says Kurt, "I'll run down ze corener and pick you up some nice ground round. How about zat?".

"Don't do me no favours!", mutters Mystique.

"Look", says Kurt, "Eet's my last offer, yes or no?".

"You sure do drive a hard bargin", smirks Mystique.

"Done. Fine. Great", says Kurt, "Don't think you're getting desert!".

"Jerk", mutters Mystique.

With that he bamfs out of the shop. Mystique sighs for a second, before noticing a payphone in the corner of the shop. She grins and uses her vines to pull herself along towards it. She reaches a vine in and gets a coin out of the cash register, before putting it in the phone and dialing.

"The number you have dailed is not...", starts Jubilee.

"Stop trying to ruin MY show!", shouts Warren.

"I was just having a bit of fun...", starts Jubilee.

"No!", shouts Warren.

Mystique drums her stems idly on the wall as she waits, we suddenly hear the rift from 'suppertime' start up. We cut to Amanda's appartment where she is packing things in her suitcase. She hears the phone and picks it up.

"Hello", she says cheerfully as Mystique sings donw the phone.

Hey, little lady, hello

"Who...who is this?", asks Amanda.

You're looking cute as can be

"Is it someone I know?", Amanda narrows her eyes, "...I'll hang up on you!".

You're looking mighty sweet

"Kurt!", giggles Amanda

"No, it 'aint Kurt, it's me!", grins Mystique.

Amanda suddenly looks across the street to see Mystique holding the phone to her ear and laughing

"Oh, my God!", she screams.

She drops the phone. We cut to the shop, where Mystique puts the phone down, then checks it for loose change as Amanda suddenly bursts into the shop.

"I don't believe it", says Amanda.

"Believe it, baby", says Mystique, "It talks".

"Am I dreaming this?", asks Amanda.

"No", says Mystique, "And you 'aint in Kansas neither!".

"I wasn't going to ask...", starts Amanda.

Mystique slams the door of the shop shut with a vine

"Something's very wrong here", says Amanda, then rolls her eyes, "...no, you don't say! A talking plant...".

"I need me some water in the worst way", says Mystique, "Look at my branches. I'm drying up, I'm a gonner, honey!".

Come on and give me a drink

"I..I don't know if I should", murmers Amanda.

Hey little lady be nice, sings Mystique

"Do you talk to Kurt like this?", asks Amanda.

Sure do, I'll drink it straight, sings Mystique.

"You're leaves are dry, poor thing", says Amanda as Mystique puts a vine on her shoulder.

Don't need no glass or no ice

"I'll get the can", says Amanda.

Don't need no twist of lime, sings Mystique.

Amanda grabs a little watering can and smiles

"Here we go", she says cheerfully.

And now it's SUPPERTIME!, laughs Mystique evily, grabbing Amanda with her vines.

"Oh, relax, doll. It'll be easy", grins Mystique.

We hear the classic riff from physco and have a close up on Mystique's open mouth, and then Amanda's screaming face

"Oh Gods, talk about cliches", says Amanda.

As Kurt bamfs into the shop, he sees Amanda's legs sticking out of Mystique's mouth.

"Get off of her! Get off!", shouts Kurt, "My God, my mother is eating my girlfriend!".

He pulls Amanda out and bamfs into an alleyway

"Are you okay?", asks Kurt.

"Yes", says Amanda, then reconsiders, "...no".

Amanda drops to the floor

"Todd Fan would like to point out an interesting tidbit here", says Warren, "In the first cut of the film, this is where Audrey...err Amanda dies, the film resulting in both of the hero's dying and the plants taking over the world.. The audiences didn't like it so it was changed right here...yeah, they really wanted to know that TF!".

"Amanda? Amanda?", squeaks Kurt, before helping her to her feet.

"Yes...I'm okay", says Amanda woozily.

"I'm sorry, Amanda. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt anybody", stammers Kurt, "It's just that somehow, it makes things happen. Terrible things. I guess I should've stopped when I found out vhat eet lived on. But eet vas so cute and harmless, and ve started doing buisness, and making money, and you liked me...".

"Kurt. Did you really think I liked you because of that?", she asks, "I liked you from the day I came to work here".

"You mean, you'd still like me even if I vasn't famous?", asks Kurt.

"I'd still love you, Kurt", says Amanda.

"Really?".

"All I ever wanted was you, and a sweet little house", she smiles.

We hear Remy crying in the background

"For God's sake, someone get that guy a keelnex!", snaps Warren, "...or some anti-depresants".

"Oh Amanda, you're ze most vonderfull person zat ever lived", says Kurt, "Ve're gonna get zat little house and everything vill be okay somehow, you'll see".

Suddenly Kurty

Is standing beside you

Amanda smiles, joining in with the song.

Suddenly Kurty

Showed me I can

Yes you can, sings Kurt.

"Excuse me", says Hank, suddenly walking into the alley, dressed in a buisness suit, "Excuse me, padron me, beg your pardon. If you two kids would just stop singing for a moment, I've got something i want to discuss with you. Now which one of you is Kurt Wagner".

"You want a black eye?", growls Amanda, "Do I LOOK like a 'Kurt'!".

"...I am", says Kurt.

"Oh it's a pleasure", smiles Hank, "Boy has your phone been busy! I've been trying to reach you for weeks!".

He shakes Kurt hand with a toothy grin

"Henry McCoy, licensing and marketing World Botanical Enterprises", he says, "Son, kid, boy, are we gonna make a fortune together".

"He's not interested", says Amanda.

"He will be. You see, me and the guys at the home office have been following this plant of yours, and we've come up with one incredible idea", says Hank, "We're very proud of it. Picture this. We take leaf cuttings, develop little Amanda II's and sell them to florist shops across the nation! Why, pretty soon, every household in America could have one!".

Kurt blinks, realisation crossing his face

"Every household in America!", he mutters.

"For starters, kid, why, this thing could go WORLDWIDE!", grins Hank

"Worldwide!", shouts Kurt and Amanda in unison.

"Think of it, boy. Amanda II's, everywhere!", grins Hank, "Why, with the right advertising, this thing could be bigger than Hula-Hoops".

"Bigger than Hula-Hoops?", asks Amanda, arching a brow.

"Todd Fan does not own Hula-Hoops in any way, shape or form", says Warren, "but she doesn't own this movie either...so call her a crinimal".

"What do you say, Kurt?", asks Hank, "Do we have a deal?".

Hank pulls out a contract and hands Kurt a pen, Kurt stares at it for a second

"Nein! Keep your contract!", he snarls, "Nobody's touching zat plant, y'hear?".

"Hey, we're offering alot of money here", points out Hank.

"Forget ze money, keep eet and get out of here!", shouts Kurt, "Go on!".

"What are you, nuts!", asks Hank.

"Yeah, i'm nuts", growls Kurt, chasing Hank away.

"I can growl alot better than you can!", says Hank, "I'll come back where you're in a better mood".

"GET OUT!", shouts Kurt.

Kurt sees him off and turns to Amanda

"Amanda, are you thinking vhat I'm thinking?", he asks.

"I think so", says Amanda, "but where will we find a polka dancing gerbil at this time of night? Narf"

They're Kurty, They're Kurty and Aman..Aman..Amanda, sing the trio.

"It'll keep eating and eating until there's nothing left", says Kurt, ignoring the trio.

"We've got to stop it, Kurt, we've got to!", says Amanda.

"Nein. I've got to", says Kurt, "I have to end this once and for all. I'll bust zat pod vide open".

"Wait!. I'm coming with you!", says Amanda.

"Nein. It's me that got us into this. I'm ze one to get us out", says Kurt, "Vait for me, Amanda. This ees between me and ze vegetable".

Amanda watches as Kurt bamfs into the shop.

"Aaaand cut", says Warren, "Oh my God, i'm nearly free! Just one more act then i can go home, put my feet up, have my wings massaged...no more directing. Never, ever again!"

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Click on for the final act!