Little Shop of Mutants
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Sucks to be you".
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ACT 14 - An explosive end
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We see Kurt bamf into the shop, where Mystique is waiting.
"Every household in America", growls Kurt, "Thousands of you, eating! That's vhat you had in mind all along, isn't eet?".
"No shit, Sherlock", says Mystique.
"Again vith ze language!", says Kurt, "Ve're not talking about one hungry plant here. Ve're talking about vorld conquest!".
"And I want to thaaaaank you!", grins Mystique.
"You're not going to get avay vith this!", says Kurt, "You're kind never does! I don't care vhat eet takes. Only one of us gets out of here alive!".
"Tough talk, little man!", says Mystique as she begins to sing.
Better wait a minute
Ya better hold the phone
Better
mind your manners
Better change your tone
Don't
you threaten me, son
"You called me son", sighs Kurt happily.
"SONG LYRICS!", shouts Warren as Mystique continues to sing.
Ya gotta lot of gall
We
gonna do things my way
Or we won't do things at all
She starts to burst out of her plant pot, covering Kurt with dirt
"You're in trouble now!", she laughs evily.
Ya don't know what you're messin' with
You
got no idea
You
don't know what you're lookin' at
When
you're lookin' here
Ya
don't know what you're up against
No,
no way, no how
You
don't know what you're messin' with
But
I'm gonna tell you now!
Kurt gets the gun from the drawer and aims it at Mystique. He blinks when he sees some Jamie clones, dressed as plant pods, singing with Mystique
"This is worse than the tea-cup", say the Jamies in unison, before singing.
Ahhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Mystique growls as she sings.
Get this straight!
I'm
just a mean blue mother from outer space and I'm bad
Mean, blue, bad, sing the Jamies
"Outer space?", asks Kurt as Mystique continues to sing.
I'm just a mean blue mother from outer space
And
it looks like you been had
I'm
just a mean blue mother from outer space
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
So get off my back 'n get out my face
'Cause I'm mean and blue and I am bad
Kurt shuts his eyes and points his gun at Mystique. Mystique laughs and whips it out of his hands with a vine, twirling it around like a cow...errr..plant. She starts to take pot-shots at him, making him duck behind the counter as she sings.
Wanna save your skin, boy?
You
wanna save your hide?
You
wanna see tomorrow?
You
better step aside
Better
take a tip, boy
Want
some good advice?
You
better take it easy
'Cause
you're walkin' on thin ice
As Kurt bamfs into the office, Mystique tosses the cash register after him
Ya don't know what you're dealin' with
No,
you never did
Ya
don't know what you're lookin' at
But
that's tough titty, kid!
The
lion don't sleep tonight
And
if you pull his tail, he roars
Kurt bamfs from the office, weilding Forge's axe-arm, and starts to try to chop Mystique's vines, missing every time
"I thought my genes would make you a better shot", Mystique shakes her head, "..you'll never be a good assasin that way".
Ya say, "That ain't fair?" Ya say, "That ain't nice?"
Ya
know what I say?
"Up
yours!"
The Jamies bop as they sing.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhh
As Kurt raises the axe-arm as Mystique pulls his trousers down, revealing his poka-dotted underwear
"Moooooooommmmm!", wines Kurt.
He takes refuge behind the counter again, only to have the Jamie pods turn up at either end
Watch me now!
I'm
just a mean blue mother from outer space and I'm bad
Mean, blue, bad
I'm just a mean blue mother, a real disgrace
And
you've got me fightin' mad
I'm
just a mean blue mother from outer space
Gonna
trash your ass
Gonna
rock this place
"HEY!", shouts Lance, "that's MY line"
'Cause I'm mean and blue and I am bad
Mystique smashes up the counter while Kurt watches in terror
"This...isn't going as vell as I hoped", he admits as Mystique sings.
You know I don't come from no black lagoon
Hah!
I'm from past the stars and beyond the moon
Yeah
You can keep The Thing
Hey!
Keep The It
Whoah
Keep The Creature, they don't mean shit
Kurt weilds and empty can of weed-killer, then drops it
"Yeah...that'll vork", he mutters, "Alright that does eet! Screw ze vorld, I'm saving me!".
He runs to the door, only to be pinned to the wall by Mystique's vines
I've got a killer voice
A power stem
Nasty thorns and i'm using them
You better move it out
Nature calls
You
got the point?
I'm gonna bust your balls
One vine very very narrowly misses a rather...sensitive part of Kurt anatomy
"Be more carefull vill you?", he squeaks, "Or no grandchildren!".
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Kurt makes a run for Forge's axe-arm again, while Mystique tears the place apart
I'm mean and blue
Mean blue mother from outer space
I'm mean and blue
Mean blue mother from outer space
I'm
mean and blue
And I. Am. Bad!
She gives a manical laugh as pulls down one of the ceiling support beams
"Bye bye Kurty!", she laughs.
The ceiling collapses on the elf boy, leaving the whole place a pile of rubble. A live wire falls from the ceiling on top of the pile. While Mystique has a physcotic laughing fit that would put Pyro to shame, Kurt hand reaches out and grabs the wire, hitting one of her vines with it. She and the Jamie's burst with electicity
"Oh, shit!", says Mystique.
Mystique and the Jamie's, by a wonderfull illusion thrown by Jason at the last minute, explode, making the rest of the shop fall down.
"Messy, messy, messy", mutters Jason
After the dust settles, Amanda goes to try to find Kurt, finding nothing for a long time, until Kurt stumbles out from behind a pillar.They run into each others arms and spin around, and we see the scene change to Amanda's dream house, they both in their wedding costumes. They run off into their house as Wanda, Rogue and Tabby walk past with bouquet's in bridesmaid dresses. We drop to the bottom of the garden where a single Jamie-Pod is sitting, he grins evily.
"Whoahahahhahahahahhahahhahaha!", laughs Jamie.
END
"It's done! The torture is over! I have served my time as a director!", says Warren, "Free, free as a bird! Hhaahahahhaahahahaha!"
"Actually, Varren, ve have some extra footage...", says Kurt
"No, not that!", squeaks Warren, "NOT THAT!".
Kurt shows footage of Warren giving Pyro mouth-to-mouth at the end of the death of a dentist scene
"BREATHE DAMN YOU! BREATHE!", he screams.
Pyro suddenly sits up and stares at Warren, backpeaddling away from him
"ASSULT!", shouts Pyro, "Help!".
"I just saved your worthless existance so Todd Fan wouldn't clip my wings", says Warren.
"Yeah, right", growls Pyro, "...I'll remember this day!".
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There we go! I'm not sure which parody I'll do next, but I'm having a brak from re-writing them for a while, as I'll have exams next month, and probably a good few assignments on the weeks coming up to them. Do review. Thanks for reading
