Chapter 18
"There are Cylons inside." Jessica whispered shaking. She gripped the edge of the counter and lowered her head, tears blurring her eyes. Commander Adama sighed and stepped back. He extended his hand for Jessica to give him the headset. Laura Rosilin hesitated but in the end, gave the order which William Adama relayed to Apollo. Jessica clamped her hand over her mouth to stifle her scream of anguish. The mood in the room dropped as everyone waited for Apollo to respond that the order had been carried out. 1300 hundred people. Sentenced to death because they had the misfortune to have been boarded by Cylons. Jessica sat and rested her head on the heel of her palm as tears rolled down her cheeks.
Poetic justice, she supposed. How she had railed and cursed these men for choosing their own survival over the survival of thousands. Now she had done the same and Jessica finally understood. What she had gone through had been horrific, no doubt but this...oh God. This guilt that filled her and threatened to run over and tear through her. This was somehow worse.
Jessica could hear Kara arguing with Lee. What if they were wrong? Those were innocent people in there. She wasn't going to do it.
"Lieutenant Starbuck, the Carrier has Cylons on board." Jessica explained sniffling.
"Frak me. Talbot, you'd better be right." Kara replied shakily.
"I am." Jessica said wiping her cheeks. "Lee..." What could she say to him? What could she possibly say that would make this better for him somehow. But she wanted to. Gods help her, she couldn't bear the burden of his guilt along with hers.
"If we're gonna do this, let's just do it." Lee snapped resolutely and Jessica closed her eyes, feeling the exact moment he opened fire on the Olympic Carrier. Every shot blasting through Lee himself in guilty driving thrusts. Kara reluctantly followed suit until the Carrier was nothing but a massive fireball then dissapated as if it'd never been there at all. Jessica had to get out of there. When Lee's voice came through, monotone and filled with restrained self hatred with the words mission accomplished, Jessica tore the headset off and ran. Guards blocked her way and with an anguished cry she pushed at them.
"Let me by!"
"It's alright." Commander Adama said softly behind her. With a wave at the guards he motioned for them to let Jessica through the doors. He'd track her down later, for now, he'd give her a moment to herself to recover from that which there was no recovery.
Jessica ran until she reached the first door she came to. She burst into the room, not caring where she was and closed the door behind her, sagging in great hiccuping sobs onto the floor.
"I'm sorry, Momma. I'm so sorry!" she wailed banging the back of her head against the door. She was no better. No better at all than these people who had left them behind. And yet Jessica knew she'd make the same decision again. She'd have to. Sacrifice people like her mother, innocent of any wrong doing to save herself and others. Jessica drew her knees up and buried her head in her arms as she welcomed the torture of guilt washing over her in smothering waves. If this was to be her penance for what she had done. So be it.
Lee Adama had thrown up in his viper. The chief engineer, Tyrol, didn't comment as Lee did the post flight check up and handed the clip board back to him. Starbuck called after him but Lee ignored her. He saw nothing as he stormed through the hall, moving on automation to lose himself in some nameless duty. Anything. Anything but give into the sickening twist of emotion in his gut. He would not, WOULD NOT give in to it. He pushed it down and sealed it and refused to look at it. He was a fighter pilot. He was the CAG. He'd done his job. Case closed. Killer... The voice teased like a the soft whsiper of a lover, breathing soft in his ear. Lee shook his head to clear his mind of everything. Murderer... The voice taunted again in a thick passionate sing song voice. Lee entered the pilot's ready room, where he'd spent many hours giving orders to the pilots under his command. He slammed the door shut and leaned against the heavy door, panting. Breathe...breathe... His mind instructed but Lee held his breath for as long as he could, punishing himself with lack of oxygen. Don't think. Don't think. He turned and made his way to the flight schedule up on the white board. He grabbed the clip board off the podium and clenched the black marker in his hand, in danger of breaking the plastic with the force of his grip. Who's next? He asked staring down at the names on the rotation schedule but all he saw were flames. Fire shooting out of his plane to blanket the Olympic Carrier and obliterate all inside. He blinked the sweat from his eyes, welcoming the sting of salty moisture. More, yes. He deserved more pain. He gave a shout of deep rage and threw the clipboard across the rows of seats lining the room. Then he drove his fist into the white board. Again. Again. Again. Till the board was splintered and his injured hand was screaming with agony and bleeding once again with fresh blood.
Then he heard her. A low whimper and sniffle that penetrated Lee's haze of self disgust. He followed the sound to the other entrance and there she was. Huddled against the door and staring up at him as he approached. Her green eyes met his and Lee saw the pain and horror reflected there in her tear filled gaze and damp reddened cheeks. Her black hair was damp against her neck and he wanted to grab her and shove her beautiful head against the wall.
"Get up." He said. Jessica was trembling as she made her way to her feet. Too slow for his liking. Lee grabbed her arms and pulled her to her feet, slamming her up against the door. "This is all your fault,you frakking bitch." He said soft and low. He was rewarded with wide guilty eyes and his own hatred at his words. But she didn't fight him. Didn't argue and scream at him that it was he who pulled the trigger, he who killed over a thousand people. She just kept looking at him. Holding his gaze with those all knowing eyes. No, she didn't have to accuse him. They both knew he was at fault. Then she was shaking her head.
"No, Lee..." She whimpered trying to raise her hand to his face but his steel grip on her arms prevented that. There'd be bruises there tomorrow, Lee thought distantly. The idea aroused him. The deepest, sickest part of him that wanted to pull her sweat pants down and spread her legs and shove himself inside of her,hard and fast. Then she licked her lips and Lee swelled harder. He pushed her angrily, her head smacking against the door but he didn't aknowledge her pain. Simply pressed himself against her so she'd feel every furious, desperate part of him. But still, she didn't object. Her fingers brushed against his forearms, the only part of him she could reach. Then she was trembling and looked about to crumple and cry.
"Lee..." She whimpered, her voice thick with returning tears.
"Shut up, Jess. Just shut the frak up." Then his mouth crushed against hers.
A.N: We're winding down on Alive here ya'll but never fear. Jessica and Lee's story will continue on in the next book, as yet untitled. There's one or two more chapters after this one and then I start the next book which is as of yet, untitled. Hopefully you'll continue to follow their journey.
Sweet A.K: Thanks for your feedback! It's always appreciated! Kara's as happy as you are that Jess shot Tigh.(laughs) And yes, poor stupid Lee. We love him but he can be a real snarky little twit can't he? He just needs to get out of his own way really.But yeah, if you look at it from his end, Lee's got a right to be pissy.
And yeah, Commander Adama does have a soft spot for Kara and will develop one for Jessica, much to our Captain Apollo's chargin. (laughs)
Maye:Thanks for the tip, I had no idea I had the anonymous thingamadoogie checked. It's clear now so more people have been able to feedback. I owe ya. Thanks for your feedback.
Marlin: Thanks for the great compliment! I try to make Jessica as real a character as I can and not to toot my own horn but I've even had people tell me they wish she was an actual part of the show which gives me a wonderful feeling. The flash could more accurately be called 'flash-forwards' (laughs) if there is such a term as they are stuff that still has to happen. And chapter 17 certainly was intense wasn't it?
Alle: Thanks for your feedback. Lee will be pretty definitely a major character but it's always good to leave the readers wanting more. To work at having the characters have other things going on so that when they are in the same room, it's all the more electric. Hope it works! The whole thing with Baltar is gonna be interesting because while Jessica can forgive the Galactica crew for saving themselves it's gonna be really iffy with Baltar who was essentially an unwitting traitor. Needless to say Jessica won't be allowed to handle any sharp instruments for a while when she's working with Baltar. And she's gonna definitely know something is up with crazy Doc Genuis but it's gonna puzzle her. It depends on if you subscribe to the whole notion of Six being a chip in his head. Which I'm not sure I do so I'm gonna play it a bit different.
