A/N: Um... I am alive. Sorry for the long wait! The next chapter is already written and will be out by next Saturday.
I'd like to thank Galyax for their ideas. One of them has been brought up in this chapter. :)
Chapter Three: The Talk
Harry settled nervously into one of the headmaster's comfortable armchairs. Try as he might, Harry couldn't stop wondering about the rumors seeping through the Hogwarts grapevine: that Dumbledore had finally gone off his rocker; there were a few screws loose; the lights were on but nobody was home; he was finally a few sandwiches short of picnic; he wasn't playing with a full deck of cards; his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
Of course those were only a few prime examples of the phrases flying across the school faster than a Firebolt.
Dumbled- Headmaster Dumbledore (Harry still wasn't sure whether the old coot could read his mind or not. He had eventually mastered Occlumency, but he still wondered...) had summoned Harry to a meeting, about what Harry hadn't the faintest. All he knew was that Snape, of all people, was a part of it. Ron thought maybe 'the greasy old git' was trying to get him expelled again. Harry only wished that was the reason, but his gut told him it was worse. Much worse.
The door slid open and Harry watched as Snape skulked into the room, his normally unfathomable expression saying that he'd rather be anywhere than where he was at the moment. Even under Voldemort's wand, being given the cruciatus curse would be better than this meeting, his face clearly stated.
Much, much worse.
Harry sunk into his chair, wishing the night was already done with. Nothing good could come of that expression.
Snape nodded curtly at him. "Potter."
"Professor." Harry muttered, and watched as the man carefully sat himself down and conjured a tea service.
"Would you like some, Potter? It's Masala Chai." Snape set a filled cup in front of him.
"Er, thanks." He eyed it. He checked it discreetly. It wasn't poisoned.
The man was being civil, for Merlin's sake! Harry considered making a run for it. Nothing was worth this bizarre reality he had stepped into, where Snape was vaguely nice and Dumbledore had lost whatever grip on sanity he had left... OK, that last one wasn't all that bizarre, but a nice Snape was nothing to scoff at! Something was seriously wrong.
God, was he dying? Were they shipping him off to Voldemort in a trade for peace? Was this their idea of a kiss-off? Oh fuck, he didn't get anyone pregnant, did he? Harry's mind made a mad dash through his memories. He hadn't slept with anyone recently! Except, there was that one drunken night...
Dumbledore entered the room through a backdoor Harry had never noticed before. "Oh, good! You're both here. We can jump straight to the heart of things then!" He clapped his hands together excitedly. "First off, is there anything you two would like to tell me?" Twinkling eyes looked from student to teacher and back again.
Harry opened his mouth, about to blurt out something largely stupid and entirely too embarrassing about that one night but Snape spoke first. Harry never thought he'd be grateful to Snape, biased, unfair arse that the man was.
"Headmaster, I will say for the final time that Potter and myself in no way have a sexual or romantic relationship. We have a student/teacher relationship, which is barely functioning itself. Considering these facts, I think this meeting can be adjourned." Snape said. He started to rise, but Albus was shaking his head.
"No, no, my dear boy. I'm afraid this is something we must discuss. I would be remiss in my duties if we didn't."
Harry sat in a daze, amazed at what he'd been about to reveal, before the present conversation sunk in. "Snape? Sexual relationship? What the hell?" He looked from one man to the other. Dumbledore just sat there, smiling encouragingly while digging around in a drawer for his bag of lemon drops. Snape was staring straight ahead, and, to Harry's shock (which seemed to be happening a lot lately), looked somewhat red.
Harry turned away from the fascinating sight of Snape blushing to stare at the ever infuriating headmaster of Hogwarts. "I am not in any sort of relationship with Snape! What in Merlin's name would give you that idea!" Much to Harry's shame his voice rose rather high by the end of his sentence. At least none of his friends or, god forbid, Malfoy and his goons, were here to hear him screech.
"I know neither of you want go public with this." Albus said soothingly. "I completely understand, and I'll support your decision, but Harry," His expression turned grim, "I have to be one hundred percent sure that this is a consensual relationship."
"What! NO!" Harry jumped up from the chair. "We. Are. Not. Da- We're not. You know." Harry blushed a bright red. "We're not... Da-dat...Dating."
"You see, Headmaster?" Snape put in swiftly. "Both Potter and I have now told you, we're not together. At all. In any way, shape, or form."
Dumbledore sighed, "if this is about Draco-"
"What's Malfoy got to do with this?" Harry demanded.
At the same time Snape spoke, eyes narrowing. "WHAT about Draco?"
"I know you two may be having a few difficulties, because of Harry's lust for Draco." Albus explained delicately. "I don't say this to cause problems for either of you, but if you need a relationship councilor, my daughter's father-in-law's third cousin-twice-removed has a very good one I've been told."
Snape stared in shock before a smirk start tugging at his mouth. "Yes, Potter? What about your unrequited lust for Mr. Malfoy?"
Harry stared at him in horror. "I am not in lust with Malfoy! That's disgusting!"
"Your choices in men have surprised me as well, I must admit." Albus said. "Really Harry, it leaves me quite concerned! After all of the horrible things they've both put you through, no offense Severus, I don't quite understand how you could be attracted to them. It does make me wonder if you don't have a bit of a masochistic streak..."
"Perhaps this can be easily cleared up." Harry sounded far too patient to be in any right state of mind. "You've no need to be concerned, because I, non-masochist that I am. Am. Not. In. Lust. With. Draco. Bloody. Malfoy. Or. Snape! Or any thrice-cursed Slytherin!"
"Watch it, Potter." Snape snarled at him.
The headmaster didn't seem to hear any of this as he muttered softly to himself. Something about Harry, Severus, Lucius Malfoy, and his serpent cane that left both of his guests flushed red, shifting uncomfortably and looking at anything but the other occupants of the room.
"Though I suppose perhaps some of my sources could be wrong..?" Albus trailed off with a concerned thoughtfulness. "Well! Never mind that. Now that we've established you're a consensual, if rather private, couple, there is one more concern of mine.
He gave them a serious look over the rim of his glasses. "You are using contraceptives, are you not?"
Harry had been hoping that maybe, just maybe, they had gotten through the worst of it. He hated being wrong. Though it was amusing to watch Snape turn red twice in one hour.
"Albus." Snape said. "We are not using contraceptives, because we're not dating, let alone having-" Snape grimaced, "Sex."
"Ah, yes, of course." Albus chuckled as he rose from his seat, gathering a box into his arms. "You two just take these little gifts from your old uncle Albie then." The headmaster proceeded to shove the box into Snape's arms.
Harry, out of some twisted, morbid sense of curiosity, pulled an item from the box. It was a ribbed-for-pleasure, strawberry flavored condom. He dropped it as if it burned. Harry knew he'd never eat strawberries again; he wasn't even sure he'd be able to look at them without becoming ill.
Snape's fingers were clutched at the box hard enough to gouge through the cardboard. "Headmaster-"
"I know how uncomfortable it must be to get this sort of thing from a man who's practically your grandfather, but I really must insist." Albus told them. "I just want to make sure neither of you get pregnant. Raising a child in this atmosphere would be quite difficult, and I'm just not sure your relationship is ready for a baby."
They both gave him strange looks. Over the course of the meeting the situation had traveled from alternate-universe bizarre to the utterly insane, whereas now it had just taken a nosedive for impossible in any corner of the galaxy with a side order of hellish imagery.
"Professor," Harry said carefully, "a man can't get another man pregnant. They just don't have the right equipment. It's impossible- even in the wizarding world!"
"Yes, yes, I've heard the theory." Dumbledore waved him off. "However there is new evidence that male pregnancy is very possible, and even a common affair! Best to be safe rather than sorry."
Harry and Snape exchanged looks. They shared an entire conversation in that one glance. It was time to work together if only so they could get themselves out of the headmaster's steel-like grasp.
"Ah, yes. Thank you, Headmaster. If you'll excuse us though? I have a potion needing attention, and Merlin knows Pott- er, Harry could work a little harder on his schoolwork."
"Right, thank you for this lovely chat, Professor. We really should be going." It was a suicidal move, but at this point Harry didn't care, he grabbed Snape's arm and started tugging him toward the door. Snape allowed himself to be dragged without a single glare sent Harry's way; Harry couldn't help but think Snape was probably as disturbed as he was.
Albus beamed at them, "Of course! There's no need to keep you busy young men now that we've had our talk! Just remember to use those condoms, and if you ever need to talk-"
"Right!" Harry said. "Understood! Goodnight, Professor! See you at breakfast!" He pulled them through the door and down the moving staircase, not even stopping to breathe a sigh of relief as the office door snicked shut.
"That man's lost it!" Harry muttered.
"Quite so, Mr. Potter." Snape said. "Now if you would kindly remove your hand from my arm?"
Harry quickly dropped the appendage. "Sorry. If I may ask, Professor. What're you going to do with those." He nodded towards the box Snape was still carrying.
"As much as I'm sure you and your little friends would love these, Potter, I plan on using the usable rubber in potions, and destroying the rest." Snape snapped.
Harry nodded, "good idea. Don't think I could ever use those without throwing up anyway."
Snape gave him a look that Harry could almost call amusement. "It's after curfew, Potter. I suggest you return to your common room before I take points off."
"Yes, sir. G'night." Harry said. "Sir?"
"What, Potter?"
"Um, if the headmaster ever calls the both of us to a meeting again, could you just poison me or something? It'd be a far better fate than another one of those, um, discussions."
"I'll keep the option in mind." Snape smirked. "Oh, and Potter? Ten points from Gryffindor for insulting a teacher."
Harry cursed softly.
"And another five for swearing."
Thanks very much to those who reviewed: SheWolfe7, Night-Owl123, Cyane Cerize, realfanficts, Virginia Riddle-Malfoy, Zula, Crazy-Physco, ASquealinfgYaoiFanGirl, CheddarTrek.
SapphireMind - Superpower!Harry... That's definitely something Dumbledore will need to address. ;)
FawkesRises - The nicknames, I had to include those. Especially 'Sev', since it's so far from canon. I don't think anyone could call him that to his face and live to tell the tale. I love the Donald Trump idea... It's a pity I can't get Dumbledore into a toupee...
Galyax - Thanks for the ideas! For some reason mpreg and incest never even occurred to me... One of those was in this chapter, and the other will be played with too. -fights back evil grin-
