Spinning the Wheel 07 - The Clean-Up

Spike put his cup into the sink and turned on the faucet, letting the dishes soak in the hot water.
His breakfast this morning had been even more depressing than usual. He was used to depression in every shape and color but yesterday gnawed at him like an evil little beaver.

Not only had the song brought back stuff he had tried to push back into the deepest dwell in the back of his mind but the scared expression on Buffy's face was the thing that did it.

Although she was a plaque, although she had the talent - without missing a single step - to stomp into every unpleasant memory available, he couldn't blame her this time.

It was his fault. He hadn't thought about the consequences of the song, what it would dig up. The flashback had overwhelmed him, his bottled up emotions erupting from him in a way he hadn't expected and he had shocked Buffy.

He'd seen it on her face, in her widened eyes even in the split second he'd turned around.
He didn't want her to see him crying of all things, but he didn't mean to scare her.

Yesterday, they had a nice talk over a cup of tea. He'd sensed some kind of connection then as if there was a flicker of sympathy between them. The way she'd looked all soaked and freezing, wrapped in his towel with the mug in her hand.
And they talked about everyday stuff, about where they came from. And it felt…

A knock in the front door startled him and his thoughts trailed off. Who would knock on his door?
Was it somebody from the house? Probably not. He didn't even know their names. And anybody from outside would ring downstairs.

Spike turned the water off to keep his the sink from flooding and moved into the hallway.
He couldn't look through the peak hole in the door, it was too high. So, he just opened the door.
But only to moved back a few inches in surprise.

"Hi." Buffy blushed and stared down on the tiled floor. Her hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail and she fumbled with her purse nervously.

"Buffy? What…what are you doing here?" was all he could ask. Of all people in the world, she was the last one he did not expect to see.

"I'm… I'm just..." she looked up briefly, just to reveal a pretty red nose. Her voice also sounded hoarse, the flu had really got to her. "I just wanted to see if you're ok. God... this is such a stupid idea, I'm sorry… I better…"

She turned around to leave for the stairs but Spike follow her and grabbed her by the wrist.
Out of reflex she pulled back a little only to feel his fingers close around hers.

"No, luv, please... wait. Why don't come in for a sec?" He asked, pulling back his hand. He let it drop into his lap, looking down at it as if it had a life of its own. He didn't want to step into her private space, it had just been reflex.

Buffy swallowed. "If... if I'm not bothering you. I could just…"

"No." He looked up at her, afraid that she might leave again. So, he moved back behind the door and let her in. He gestured her to walk past him into the living room as he closed the door.

"Look… about yesterday…" Buffy began as he followed her.

"I'm sorry." they said simultaneously and looked at each other in surprise.

"What?" Buffy was the first to break the confused silence.

"I'm... I didn't mean to scare you off." Spike began, not able to look at her. "This... this song... was pretty personal. I hadn't thought about what it... might bring up. It was my fault. I'm sorry about that."

Buffy frowned. Was he really serious about that? "Don't be. I mean... it's all my fault. I'm so stupid. I really shouldn't ask all this. It's not my business, I know that, but... I was just curious. I didn't mean that to happen, you know? And if you hate me now, than I'm totally okay with it. I'll be gone in a sec." she babbled without even realising it.

"I don't." he interrupted, looking up at her. The look in his eyes cut her off.

"Huh?" she shook her head slightly to get focused again.

"I don't hate you." he was almost embarrassed to admit that but it was true. Seeing her confused like that made it even more clear.

"You don't?" Buffy asked quizzically.

"No." he said simply, meeting her eyes with a steady gaze.

"Well…" the blonde didn't know what to say. She thought he would kick her out any second, that he liked even syphilis more than her but this was... well, it was a surprise first of all. "That's a start."

Wryly, he smiled at her and lowered his head again as their eye contact became uncomfortably intense.

"Ehm… would you mind if I just wash my dishes? Water's getting cold." He pulled back a little, waiting for an answer before he would turn around and move over into the kitchen.

"I could... I could do that for you, if you like." she raised her eyebrows pleadingly. She didn't mean to sound pushy. When he didn't say anything immediately she began chewing on her lip.

"Alright, but let me do the drying, okay?" He nodded, the smile still on his face.

"Deal." Buffy stripped from her jacket, leaving it with her purse on the dining table.

The next minutes were spent in silence.
Buffy stood in front of the sink, washing the few dishes and handed them over to Spike who sat behind her drying them with a towel.

Suddenly, Buffy burst out into a fit of giggling.

"What's so funny?" Spike asked curiously, an eyebrow quirked at her.

"I'm just... if my mom would see me right now, I think she'd die from a heart attack."

"Why?"

"Me and housework are very mixy things, you know. I'm more of a shop girl. I can't cook nor bake, it's a wonder that I'm not breaking your stuff in the process." she explained with a casual shrug.

"I think you're doing just fine."

Buffy turned around to look at him. She tried hard not to give away her surprise. Did yesterday really happen? So why were they suddenly all into compliments and getting along?
This wasn't the Spike she had left yesterday, totally broken and crying.

"Look, Spike… I'm... I'm really sorry about what happened yesterday." she started again. She had to say it. This had been bothering her since yesterday.

"I told you it was okay. No need to bring it up again." he said, his tone dropped into a more serious level.

Buffy lowered her gaze, the washcloth in her hands, water dripping on the floor. She sighed silently. Why couldn't he just take her apology? It would make her feel so much better just to know that he wasn't angry with her or something

.

"Look, Buffy." Spike was about to reach his hand out to touch hers but he pulled back before he could even start. Saying her name had drawn enough intention, no need to touch her.

But when she looked down at his with her big green eyes the thoughts were caught in his mind for a second. She was afraid.
Afraid that he might get angry again, that he might kick her out. And she was confused. This situation was getting to her in the same way it got to him. He dropped his gaze again so he could talk.

"Look. I don't hate you. I know that you're sorry. So am I. It's just... there are things I can't talk about, things that I don't want to talk about. And yesterday was a thing like that, okay? So... please, leave it as it is, will you?"

Buffy tilted her head to look at him.
He didn't look at her instead he had his eyes focussed in a very interesting spot on the floor.
His honesty surprised her. Telling her that there was more then he'd gave away, that he had secrets he didn't mean to share was something she didn't expect him to say. It was probably one of the most honest and open moments they had so far.

She swallowed than nodded although he didn't see it.

"Alright, I'll... keep my mouth shut." Which will be hard as hell as I know myself, she thought. "Can... may I use the bathroom?"

Spike rolled back to let her through. "No need to ask."

He watched her as she went by and out of the room.
What was happening here? Why didn't he just tell her just to shut up and leave him alone forever? No, he had to go all sweet and vulnerable. Great, that would just fuel her fire, would make ask more question about what he couldn't talk about and why.
He was used to the tough guy talk before but now he was like… yeah, like what? Like jelly, like disgusting green wobbly jelly.

Spike tossed the towel in the counter and propped his elbows on the armrests. What was this girl doing to him? She made him act in ways he didn't know were still inside him. He told her more things than anybody else he'd met in the last three years and they only knew each other for a week. He sighed deeply and buried his face in his hands. He really needed to stop that or she would tare him apart.

Buffy stood in front of the mirror washing her hands. She remembered how she'd seen the massive amount of painkillers in the little closet under the sink.

Were those the things Spike couldn't or wouldn't talk about? His pain? The accident? Or was there still something else behind the curtain that was yet be revealed?

Wait, Buffy... what are you doing? Why do you keep poking your nose into his business? Why do you care, damn it?

'Because you've seen the look in his eyes, because you've seen how lonely he is, how much pain he has do bear. And maybe… just maybe… because you like him.' the little angel on her shoulder told her in a sweet angelic voice.

Buffy rubbed her eyes. She was tired and she felt the cold settling into her system. She hadn't slept much last night, thinking about that song and him crying had kept her awake and running around in the rain with soaked clothing was asking for a tribute now.

She unlocked the door and turned towards the living room when she caught site of his office.
Well, it wasn't a real office, just a room crammed with all the stuff that didn't fit in the rest of the apartment.

The laptop was closed, the pile of books and other stuff was still in the floor but there was something else that caught her eyes.

Carefully, she entered the room. As if he'd set up a trap to catch any intruders…

Buffy went over to the desk, to the window.
Several picture frames lay with the face down in the windowsill. The dust on them indicated they hadn't been moved for quite some time.

Slowly, she picked up one of them.
The glossy picture showing Spike, also fully bleached in a long black leather coat, together with a beautiful young woman. She had raven black hair and the most hypnotising eyes Buffy had ever seen. He had his arms wrapped around her, looking at her with so much adoration that it made Buffy swallow for a second.

She picked up another one, showing a similar picture with both of them leaning towards each other. It seemed like the outside world, even the photographer didn't exist. Just these two, the way they looked at each other. It was love, pure and simple.

A pang of jealousy hit Buffy as she looked at the pictures. Who was this woman? Why hadn't they met? Was she…?

"Would you mind putting that down?"

Buffy jumped when she heard his voice behind her, and pressed the frame against her chest before turning around slowly. She blushed furiously as if being caught with her hand in the cookie jar right before dinner.

"What are you doing here? Is that your way of keeping out of my business?" his eyes shot furious daggers at her when he came a little closer into the room.

"God, Spike... I'm... I'm sorry. I just came by and..."

"Thought you might take a look at my personal stuff? Great thought that. Wanna know what I think? I think you should put these down and go. I'll see you on Monday." his voice was cold as ice. He didn't sound angry but Buffy would've loved him to no end if he shouted at her. This tone was dangerous. As if he would rip her head off one-handed any second.

"O…okay." Buffy passed him quickly, his blazing eyes following her every step. When she was out in the hall she turned around to him, facing his back. "I'm sorry." she said simply.

"I know." he replied without turning around.

About half a minute later he heard the front door clicking shut.
Then, he moved towards the desk, picking up one of the pictures himself, letting his fingers slid over the glass covering the photograph.

"Why? Why did you leave me?" he whispered to the picture but his voice was

still too loud for the empty apartment.

No, he wouldn't cry, not again. If he did, he wouldn't be able to stop so soon. So many tears had been shed over these pictures.
That's why they were all face down. He couldn't bring himself to put them away finally. He had to keep them close, he just couldn't look at them.

But that wasn't his only problem.
Now, Buffy knew. She knew there was somebody else in his life. Or had been.

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