Spinning the Wheel 16 - The Show Must Go On
"I can't do this. I'll make a total fool out of myself. Everybody will laugh about me. And all the other guys in class will hate me cause I'm screwing up their play. This will be the worst day of my life. I swear. I won't go out there. I just can't."
Buffy was pacing back and forth in the dressing room behind the stage panicking. She heard the low murmur of the audience settling into place, and heard the rumbling on stage while the props and the set were being prepared.
The rooms around her buzzed with anticipation. The other girls who shared the room with her were applying their make-up and slipping into their costumes but none of them seemed as anxious as the blonde.
"Buffy, you just got to calm down." Willow tried for the hundredth time to get through to her friend but nothing seemed to work. She plopped down on one of the chair, put her head in her hands and sighed deeply while Buffy continued her pacing and rambling.
"This will be hell. I can't even remember my lines when I have to be on stage. I won't go out there. They can't force me, right?"
"God, would you just shut up." Willow eapt to her feet, staring at her friend with wide eyes.
Buffy stared at her for a moment. That had finally gotten through the thick cloud of stage fright around her.
"I'll go get Spike." With that, the redhead vanished from the room and slammed the door shut behind her. The blonde stared after her friend and at the door but the second she was gone, she started pacing again.
The foyer was still crowded. The play was supposed to start in about half an hour but most people wanted to finish the usual small talk and welcome cocktails.
Willow glanced about the room and saw Spike in the far corner, talking to Buffy's mother and Giles.
"Thank god you're here. You gotta come with me." Her pleading look caught Spike's attention immediately when she reached them.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Something's wrong with Buffy?" That caught Joyce's and Giles' attention.
"Kind of, yeah. I'm afraid you're the only one who can help her now. I'm at the end of my rope." The redhead sighed again.
"What's wrong with her?"
"She's freaking out." Willow bounced impatiently on the balls of her feet.
"Again?" Spike rolled his eyes but followed the redhead without another word.
Carefully, he knocked on the door of the girl's dressing room. Willow had made the bee-line to the bath-room, saying that she couldn't help Buffy anyway.
It took about a minute until a young girl with short dark hair ripped the door open. And it took her another minute to realize that Spike wasn't at her eye-level.
"Yeah, what's up?" she blurted then.
"Is Buffy in there? I need to speak to her."
"Sure." With that, she slammed the door shut again. But she didn't bother to turn down her volume when she reported him to Buffy. "Buffy, that Billy Idol guy is out there."
He heard muffled chuckling from the room and shifted uncomfortable as much as he was able to shift before the blonde opened the door. "Thanks, Kathy." she said back into the room and closed the door behind her. "Hey, what are you doing here?" she smiled down at him.
"Willow sent me. Said you were freaking." He looked at her, concern flickering over his feature. Buffy was pale with a greenish shimmer around her nose. And her hands were shaking nervously.
"Yeah, a little." she tried to cover it and grasped the flowing skirt of her costume.
"Tell me about it." he demanded, his voice somewhat hard but still friendly. It had that resolved tone to it that made you confess everything.
The blonde hesitated for a second but he had that look on his face that sent shivers down her spine. It was as if he was looking right through her, as if he could read what was on her mind. She lowered her head, escaping his gaze.
"I can't do this, Spike. I can't go out there." her voice wasn't more than a whisper. She felt embarrassed that Willow had told him about her stage fright.
Spike sighed. "We've been through this, Buffy. You can do it and you know it."
"No, I can't. I don't remember anything. Not a single word. It's all gone. When I go out there…"
He cut her off by taking both her hands in his, locking his eyes with hers again. "Buffy, calm down, okay?" he said with a soothing voice, squeezing her hands slightly.
Buffy stared at him in surprise, his sudden contact had taken her a little off guard. And his eyes did the rest, again. They were paralyzing her, drawing her in and keeping her there at some bizarre place, revealing so much and nothing at the same time. She couldn't stand looking at him that way but it was also something she loved to do.
"Now, listen to me." he continued after a moment's silence. "I know this is hard, you are afraid and you think you're gonna die out there. You want to run away as far as you can. But that's not true. I've seen you, going through the lines with me and up there on stage during rehearsal. I know that you can do it, more than anybody else." Buffy tore her eyes away for a moment but focused back on him when he continued. "And if that doesn't help… then do it for me." he hesitated again but this time not for the dramatic break in his speech but for a little blush to crawl onto his cheeks. "I'd go up on stage and do it for you but I can't. Never again. But you can. You can go and bath in the spotlight and in the audience and you can kick their asses up there."
Buffy couldn't help but chuckle a little.
"Will you do that for me?" His last words came out a little quiet and a sad shadow flickered over his face, clouding his eyes for a moment.
She had to swallow and just nodded silently.
There she stood in the hallway behind the stage getting the most personal encouragement speech ever and she didn't know what to say. She couldn't even say thank you, she could just stand there and stare at him. He was holding her hands in his warm, soft palms, soothing her with his eyes and words and she wished for nothing more than to crawl into his lap and hug him.
But before she could so much as blink, someone bumped into her from behind and she stumbled, breaking the contact to regain her balance.
"Buffy, we gotta go. Curtain opens in five minutes." Kathy blurted and made her way down the hall, the other girls pouring out of the room as well.
The blonde turned towards Spike again and gave him a grateful smile. "Thank you." she said quietly.
Spike just nodded and his eyes followed her when she disappeared towards the stage.
"Break a leg." he muttered under his breath.
That hadn't been planned, not at all. He didn't want to give her a speech like that, giving her so much insight. Of course, they had shared something before but this…
It had been lead by more emotion than anything else before. It came from deep down inside him and in a very strange way, it was scary. The feeling that was bubbling up inside him grew more and more intense the harder he tried to push it away. It was like a gentle warmth spreading in his stomach, a crackling fire in a cold winter night.
A ringing sound buzzed down the hallway, indicating that the play was about to start. With a resigned sigh he made his way back into the foyer and then into the theatre itself.
Since he'd visited some of the rehearsals he had his place in the back right beside the door. He couldn't take one of the usual seats, plus he was comfortable with this. He could see everything but nobody could watch him.
And so he did when the curtain slowly drifted to each side, revealing the site of a beautifully designed stage. Some students of the art department had worked on the set and they did a fantastic job.
Anticipation was tingling inside him as Buffy's big entrance came closer and closer. He found himself crossing his fingers for her. Hopefully, his little speech had helped a little and she didn't screw it up.
"They met me in the day of success; and I have learn'd that perfect'st report, they have more in the, than mortal knowledge…"
Spike expelled a breath he didn't know he was holding when Buffy's line came out the way they had rehearsed them a dozen times.
She was sitting at a table, reading a letter from her husband. The spotlight bathing her in a golden light. With her hair done in a classic 18th century fashion and the dark green skirt she looked like an… she was simply beautiful. He couldn't tare his eyes away from her during the whole scene, following every step over the stage.
It was perfect. It was just the way they had done it in the rehearsals. Her words came out clear and right and her acting was better than ever, like she'd never done anything else. As if she actually was this character and at the same time, so much that he could just stare at her. He just blinked when the curtain closed again and she was gone.
The play was the greatest success the drama class had ever seen. They even got a standing ovation and the curtain had to open five times.
The foyer was packed when everybody gathered around the tables filled with champagne and orange juice.
Spike sat a little off to one side talking to Joyce and Dawn while Giles was on his mission to get them drinks. He had a hard time making a bee-line through all the chatting people, their talk about the play filling the room with a cheerful rumble.
"You did a great job, Spike." Joyce smiled brightly down on him and he blushed a little.
"Wasn't really my job. I was just helping where I could, the rest was up to your daughter."
"Yeah, but she would've chickened out if you hadn't talked her into pulling through. She told me about that like twenty-four seven." Dawn rolled her eyes, thinking about the time when she had to listen to Buffy's drama-moments at home.
"She did?" he cocked his hand to one side, looking up at the girl a little curiously.
"She did what?" Buffy appearing behind her sister, looking over the brunette's shoulder with bright eyes.
"Nothing, we were just talking about you behind your back." Dawn pulled the blonde into a tight hug. "You were great. I always hoped for you to make a total fool out of yourself. But hey… never happened."
"You're so dear. Thank you." Buffy nodded, her voice had a little sarcastic edge to it.
"You're welcome." Dawn beamed.
"My daughter's an actress. I'm so proud of you."
Buffy couldn't even blink before Joyce had taken her into her arms. Her mother's voice sounded proud and a little teary.
"Please don't give me the 'my daughter's going to make it' speech again, mom. Just let me bath in the glory or stardom a little, will you?" she mumbled into her ear before her mother released her.
"I know. I know." Joyce whipped a stray tear away before smiling brightly again.
"Congratulations, Buffy. You were really great up there." Giles appeared from behind, handing her a glass of champagne, and padded her on the shoulder.
"Thanks, Giles. I'm glad that I didn't blame the Mother country." she winked at him before her eyes finally settled on Spike who had been watching her intently the whole time.
"You did it." he simply said and couldn't keep the proud tone out of his voice. As she stood before him now in her jeans and shirt and her hair all loose she looked even more beautiful than up on stage. She was glowing with something he couldn't fathom.
"Yeah." Buffy's voice was calm and barely audible in the buzz of voices in the room.
"Thank you." he looked up at her, drinking in her sight and for a moment he felt something snapping open inside him, letting in the radiance that surrounded her and his heart skipped a beat.
"You're welcome." her eyes sparkled down on him and she nodded slightly.
They looked at each other for a moment, forgetting the masses of people around them. Everything else was just a distant rumble of sound but it didn't matter. Nothing else mattered.
Spike broke the eye contact first, blinked and dropped his gaze into his lap. The noise around them came rushing back and was too loud for a moment.
"I... ehm.. I'd better go now. All these people... they kinda make my head spin."
"Shall I… walk you home?" Buffy asked, still unaware of the people around him.
"If you want to."
"I'd love to." she smiled shyly. "Mom? Will you pick me up at Spike's place in say... half an hour?"
Her mother's head snapped up from the conversation with Willow and Tara. "Sure, sweetie. You're going so soon, Spike?"
"Yeah. I'm not the guy for the big crowds. But it was nice to talk to you again. Giles, I'll get back to you about this Champion's Leaque thing, okay?"
"I'll count on it." the shopkeeper replied with a nod.
"Well then... we are off. See you guys later." Buffy waved a hand at her family and friends, then made her way to the door.
The cool night air sent a chill down her spine and Buffy rubbed her arms, trying to fight the goose-bumps on her arms.
"You cold?" Spike asked, concern in his voice when they were out on the street.
"Nah, it's okay. Was just too damn hot in there. I'll get used to it in a minute."
They made their way in silence but Buffy felt him glancing up her every now and then.
"What?" she asked after a while.
"What, what?"
"What are you looking at? Do I still have make-up somewhere? What is it?"
"It's nothing, really." he lied, the dark of the night hid his blush. Whenever he looked at her he felt that warmth inside him, like she was radiating. But he couldn't tell her that, she would totally mistake him. "I just… you were amazing up there."
"Although I know that you're lying to me, the compliment makes up for it. So, thank you."
"No... I…" he broke off again, the words he had planned to say suddenly gone. "I have to thank you. For going out on stage and doing it."
"Well, it's my way to say thank you for wasting your time with me. It's really no big deal." But they both knew that it wasn't true. Buffy couldn't tell him that she'd just played for him. When she had been on stage all she hadn't played for the audience but for him. She had seen him in the back in his usual place, his bright blond hair giving him away despite the dark in the theatre. When she had her monologues she'd just done them for him, speaking to him like she'd done during the rehearsals. Sensing him there had given her the strength to pull through.
"It means a lot to me. You should know that." he stopped, hands resting on the wheels, and looked up at her. Buffy could have sworn she saw a stray tear glistening in his eyes. If so, he blinked it away quickly. But his voice was wavering a little nonetheless.
"I know." Buffy lowered her gaze a little embarrassed. She didn't know exactly but she could sense from the look in his eyes. "I… wouldn't have done it if it hadn't been for your pep talk back there. That really helped."
Spike looked up at her, narrowing his eyebrows a little as if trying to shift gears around her words. But then a slow smile spread on his face.
"You're welcome." he nodded ever so slightly and they continued there way in silence, dwelling in each other's presence. There were no more words needed.
By the time they reached the apartment building Buffy had seriously started freezing. But she didn't want to tell him since he'd asked before and she had denied it. She was shivering and rubbed her arms every now and then to keep off the chill. She should have taken her jacket but that was in her mother's car who was supposed to pick her up in about five minutes.
"You're not planning on doing any other plays in the future, are you? Cause I really enjoyed this." Spike said, twisting the keys in his hands.
"Not very likely. I had enough nerve-wreaking for a lifetime." she smiled apologetically.
This was one of those moments she wished didn't happen. They had to say their goodbye not knowing what was going to happen next, weather there would be a next meeting or not and neither of them dared to do the first move.
"You know..." Buffy began finally. "Since tomorrow's Saturday…how about a breakfast?"
"Well, I usually do that every morning." a smirk flickered over his face when he squinted up at her.
"Duh." she propped her hand up on her hip and gave him a mock-scowl. "I mean you and me. I bring the food and you provide the coffee. Sound good?"
"Well..." he hesitated for a second but nodded finally. "Okay. When?"
"Say... nine-ish? I planned some shopping with Willow for tomorrow. But if you want to come along…"
"Shopping with a bunch of girls? No, thank you. But the rest sounds good."
"Great." Buffy beamed at him.
"Well then… bet your mother will be here any…"
That was all he could say, before the front door was ripped opened and something blond rushed into him.
"Spike?" the woman's voice chirped and she straightened, shaking her long hair out of her face. She held a small cardboard box in her arm, the content rattled with a fragile sound.
Spike stared at the woman for a second, blinked and tried to say something but closed his mouth again without a single syllable.
"Hi. I'm… Buffy." Buffy held out her hand to the woman.
The blonde seized her up and down, snorted in distaste and continued ignoring her. "I didn't know you were coming back so soon. I just picked up a few things I left here."
Spike still stared at her as if she'd fallen out of heaven just now. It took him a couple of seconds to find language again. "Harmony?"
"Well... yeah." she rolled her eyes at him.
"What are you doing here?" Something in his mind stopped him from understanding what was going on just now.
"Are you deaf now? I left some stuff here and now I came here to pick it up."
"It's been three years."
"I just came to miss the stuff now. So what?"
The conversation was interrupted by the horn of a car. Buffy's head wiped around, finding her mother parking against the curb.
"Well, I gotta go now. See you tomorrow, Spike?"
"Uh-uh." he nodded but didn't look up at the blonde.
"Okay. Was nice to meet you." she said towards Harmony but only earning another disparaging look.
"Yeah, whatever." Harmony replied.
With a shrug, Buffy went to the car and got in the passenger seat. Her eyes drifted back to the couple in front of the door. She had an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. She didn't like this woman in her cheap pinkish outfit from the very beginning the tension between her and Spike was almost visible. There was something going on between them, she didn't know. She hadn't asked him about anything in his past but this was something she hadn't expected.
Three years? Must have been after the accent. Could it be that she had been his girlfriend? Way no. Not in a million years. Buffy had seen picture of the other woman, Drusilla. And she had been nothing like her. All dark and hypnotic eyes and with a touch of gothic to her appearance. But Harmony - the name mostly spoke for itself - was a study in contrast, with a bright blond hair and the girlish clothing. It just couldn't be.
"Everything okay?" her mother asked concerned while Buffy still looked out of the window.
"What? Oh, yeah. I'm fine."
"Who was that woman?" Dawn blurted from the backseat.
"I don't know."
"Who's that girl?" Harmony asked, balancing the cardboad box on her hip.
"Who?" This couldn't happen right now. It had been three years since she'd stormed out of the apartment in a flourish of blond hair and silken skirts. And after that he hadn't seen her anymore. But now she was back, she had been in his apartment picking up some stuff she suddenly came to miss. What was going on here?
"The little blonde with the last year's cloth?" she replied as if revealing the mystery of the ages.
"Oh… that was Buffy." he blinked, realizing for the first time that Buffy was gone. He knew he'd said goodbye - or something like that - but he didn't really comprehend it.
"Your new girlfriend?"
Spike blinked at that, considering the thought for the first time. "No... she's just... she's just a friend."
"Yeah, thought so." she snorted again then burst out into a girlish fit of giggles. "You know, one could really think you're some kind of eunuch or gay or something."
"What?" he stared at her. He couldn't believe his ears, she couldn't have said that.
"You know what I'm talking about, Spike." she made a dramatic pause before continuing. "You think you have a real chance with that girl? I mean with your abstinence or whatever you call it. That's not really attractive, you know?"
He couldn't reply, he couldn't even think of words. He could just stare at the blonde woman with the penetrating voice who looked down on him in total distaste.
"Well then... I'll be gone. See you around."
