Spinning the Wheel 19 - Closing In
Buffy entered Spike's apartment for the second time this year and the second she opened the door she had an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew that wasn't there but the pictures were too fresh in her mind to ignore them.
Tried to kill himself. Ben's words raced in her mind. She just couldn't believe it.
She had been with Spike yesterday and he didn't seem like he was going to be slashing his wrists the moment she didn't look. He seemed more happy than in the weeks before. But then, suddenly this woman had appeared. What was her name? Harmony.
Buffy had sensed that something was going on between them the second the blonde had appeared on the doorstep. She should have stayed with them until the woman was gone.
She could bet that she had her hands in that. Not that she had convinced Spike to go all suicidal all of a sudden but she had something to do with it, Buffy was more than sure of that.
With a sigh she pushed the door close.
Willow had brought her here and was now waiting downstairs in the car. She didn't want a million people running around in his apartment. She remembered how much effort it had cost Spike just to ask her if she would come over again and to give her the key. It just didn't feel right to her to bring up other people. Even if they were friends.
Clothes. Spike needed some clothes. But were did he keep them? Well, probably a closet but she hadn't seen one. How weird was that?
First she looked in the bathroom for some clean clothes but there were none. What about that door down the hall? She had noticed it a couple of times before but was too shy to ask. Was that his bedroom? If so, could she just go in there and roam through his stuff? Well, he didn't have to know, right?
But as it turned out, the door was locked.
More weird.
Why would anybody lock their bedrooms? Well, if you had a really heavy paranoia but... why would Spike lock his bedroom door? Was this room even in use? She had seen him folding a blanket on the couch. Was he sleeping there?
Thoughts were circling in her mind. She couldn't puzzle it out. It was a little too much right now.
Almost suicides and looked bedrooms weren't the stuff she was usually dealing with.
She would have to ask him about that when he woke up again.
But first she had to find some clothes.
So she went over to his little gym and discovered a pair of almost fresh sweat pants and a t-shirt folded on a chair. This would have to do for now. And she wouldn't want to let Willow wait any longer. Tara had stayed behind at the hospital in case there were some news.
With a last glance back into the apartment, she shut the door behind her and skipped down the stairs. The sun outside shone a little too bright in her eyes as though it was mocking her. The temperature had dropped a little since it was the end of October and a cool wind chilled her a little.
But still, it was a bright sunshiny day and it just didn't feel right.
Buffy watched the sky for a minute, then went over to Willow's car and got in.
"You got everything?" the redhead asked as she started the engine.
"Guess so." Buffy held up the bundle of clothing she had picked from the apartment. "These were the only clothes I could find. He's bedroom was locked."
"It was what?"
"Yeah, I don't know." she shrugged. "This was the first time I tried that door and it wouldn't open."
"Why would anybody lock up their bedrooms?" Willow asked and frowned but didn't take her eyes off the road. Since Buffy's little accident she drove even more carefully.
"Guess what I thought. I don't know. And I have other things to worry about right now." The blonde's gaze drifted out the window and she watched the houses rush by.
"Do you have any idea why he did that? Trying to kill himself, I mean." Willow struggled to ask but her talk with Tara had shaken up some thoughts.
"No." Buffy's voice sounded more harsh than she had intended. "I mean, you've seen him, right? He didn't seem like he would do that, right?"
"I don't know if you can judge that. I've never talked to anybody who tried to kill himself. I don't know what causes these thoughts."
"God, I wish…" she rubbed her eyes as she felt fresh tears rising. "I wish he would just talk to me. But whenever things come close to his past he just... shuts down. He never talks about his music, his band or his girlfriend. I don't know… what's going on with him." her voice had an almost pleading edge to it and she had to whip away a few tears.
"You didn't ask him about that?"
"No. I couldn't He would know that I checked him out on the internet. That wouldn't be… he would hate me. I can't risk that."
Willow's lips quirked into an almost smile but she hid it from Buffy's view. Yeah, there was something going on between them. Definitely. They were just too blind and too stubborn to see it. But talk with Tara had shaken up some thoughts.
"No." Buffy's voice sounded more harsh than she had intended. "I mean, you've seen him, right? He didn't seem like he would do, right?"
"I don't know if you can judge that. I've never talked to anybody who tried to kill himself. I don't what causes these thoughts."
"God, I wish…" she rubbed her eyes as she felt fresh tears rising. "I wish he would just talk to me. But whenever things come close to his past he just... shuts down. He never talks about his music, his band or his girlfriend. I don't know… what going on with him." her voice had an almost pleading edge to it and she had to whip away a few tears.
Tara stood outside of Spike's room, watching his still form with slightly narrow eyes as if he was supposed to leap out of bed and flee any second.
"Hey." Willow greeted her and gave her a quick peck on the cheek.
"You're already back?" It was more a statement than a question and the blonde smiled kindly.
"Anything new?" Buffy asked a little impatiently. She didn't realize how she clutched the bundle of clothing against her chest and tapped her foot on the floor.
"No, he's still asleep and didn't even stir." Tara confirmed what was all but visible for all of them.
"Okay." Buffy nodded. "You guys don't need to stay here. Just... drive by my moms and tell her where I am. She doesn't have to worry."
"You want to stay here?" Willow asked a little concerned.
"That's the least I can do. I don't… want him to be alone when he wakes up." She knew she was sounding almost like an overly concerned mom who was waiting for her child to wake up from a surgery but it was only true. She didn't want to leave him now.
"Okay. We'll tell your mom then. But if you need anything..." the redhead's voice trailed off.
"I'll give you a call, of course." Buffy pulled her friend into a tight comforting hug.
"Say 'hi' from me when he wakes up, okay?" Tara hugged her, too.
"I will. Thank you guys for coming by."
"Always." Willow gave her a pat on the shoulder and the two women went down the corridor.
Buffy knew that she should have told Ben or another full-fledged doctor about it but she didn't want to waste more time standing about.
So she just pushed the door open and went inside. She laid the clothes on one of the chairs, pulled another close to the bed and sat down.
For a few minutes she was just watching Spike.
It was all so weird, it didn't make any sense. This day had started so great and now she was sitting in the hospital and watching her friend recovering from an attempted suicide. It was as if her world was turned upside down within an hour.
Carefully she pulled the chair a little bit closer to the bed. She hated just sitting there, unable to do anything. So she reached out with her hand and placed it slowly over his.
The second she touched his cool skin, new tears sprung up in her eyes and she had to stifle a sob. Her thumb brushed lights over the back of his fingers.
"Why did you do that?" her voice was hoarse as she tried to whisper against her tears. "Why didn't you talk to me?"
She didn't realize how she started to rant a little. But it felt good just to sit there and talk to him. He wouldn't answer, she knew that, but it didn't feel that bad to see him lying there.
She was just wondering if he would hear her or feel her touch his skin. He probably didn't but at least she didn't feel that helpless after all.
She had always been the kind of person who needed to do something. She hated just sitting around and waiting for something to happen. Not that she would jump into every available action when she could do something she was there. Especially when her friends were concerned.
Back then when Willow had that big bag childhood trauma of dying pets, she had been there. When Xander had his troubles with his parents again, she had been there. And now she was there again, sitting here, watching Spike sleep.
But still. It didn't make any sense. Why would he do that? Or maybe it had just been an accident, she tried to convince herself. But accidents like that didn't happen. You just didn't take too many pills, mix them up with strong alcohol and cut your chest with a kitchen knife.
Suddenly his croaked words came popping up in her mind. 'I tried to cut it out.' What was that about? He had pressed her hand on his chest, saying that. Had he tried to cut his heart out? That wasn't only horrible, it was one of the worst things Buffy had ever thought about. Why would anybody get such an idea?
They needed to talk when he was stable enough.
