Spinning the Wheel 22 - Confessions
The next day had brightened up; the sun was shining and it wasn't so chilly anymore. Buffy wore a long-sleeved white shirt with some sort of print on it and a tight, dark blue skirt that went down to her knees along with a pair of high-heeled black boots.
The heels made clicking sounds on the linoleum as she walked down the corridor of the hospital.
Ben had called her this morning, telling her that Spike had asked for a wheelchair and wanted to get out of that room.
As she reached aforementioned room, she found it empty. The blanket and the pillow were rumpled as if somebody had just gotten up from the bed.
"He's in the yard," said a voice behind Buffy and the blonde whipped around, her breath hitching in her throat.
She found Ben standing behind her, his hands holding a clipboard behind his back. He wore a smile on his lips but had a somehow sad shimmer around his eyes.
"God.." Buffy exclaimed, trying to bring her heartbeat down to a normal speed. "Have you ever heard that it is totally impolite to sneak up on other people?" But she was smiling when she said it.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."
"So he's out of that 'I'll pout like a baby and won't talk to anyone' thing?" It was supposed to sound like a joke but Buffy knew that it wasn't. She'd spent the rest of the previous day thinking about Spike and what might have caused his totally catatonic state. She had no idea. And thinking of the inevitable talk only made things worse.
"More or less. The nurse refused to check on him afterwards but at least he's talking and eating again. That's progress." Ben smiled again. He never stopped smiling, did he?
"Can I see him?" Buffy asked cautiously. Somehow she wished the answer would be no.
"Of course. Come on, I show you the way."
They made their way in silence through the hospital and Buffy was grateful for it. She didn't want to answer more questions she didn't have an answer to. She was here to find those answers.
"There you go." Ben kicked the door to the yard open with his foot and waited for Buffy to go through.
"Thank you." she turned back to the young man and smiled kindly.
"Buffy.. there is something I need to tell you. You might want to know it first."
Buffy's face took on an alarmed look and she turned fully around.
"What?" Was there something wrong with Spike she didn't know about yet?
"No need to worry," Ben assured her, and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "It's just… we did a couple of tests this morning. After what you told me about his accident and considering the medication he gets, I became a little curious. So I gave it a try and tested the… flow of nerves in his legs. I was checking for any activity. And as far as I can see it.. there might be a chance that he'll be able to walk again. The nerves are rebuilding, but very very slowly. I also think that - with the heavy medication he took - he blocked the process. I can't tell for sure but that's what I think. I thought you should know that."
Buffy stared at him, her mind reeling with the newly gained information. Then, a stupid smile spread across her face. That was a whole new different twist in the story. If he could walk again, then maybe… the thought came to an abrupt halt as she heard herself saying, "Thanks, Ben."
"You're welcome. I wanted to tell him this afternoon but maybe you can now." He smiled again, turned around and disappeared into the hospital.
Buffy watched him for a moment, then turned around and went out into the garden-like yard. It reminded her a little of her old high school, with the trees, the benches, and the fountain in the middle. After a few steps she discovered Spike sitting underneath a tree. He just sat there, staring down at the paved path, and the sun shone on his face. She hesitated for a moment before she approached him and sat down on the bench beside him.
"Hey." She tried to smile but failed; the memories were too fresh to laugh about.
But he didn't answer. Just like the day before, he turned away from her. She saw the muscles in his jaw flexing as he set his mouth in an angry line.
Buffy frowned for a moment, but more than confusion, she felt a pang of disappointment. She had so many questions and no answers. He hadn't talked to her when he had the chance to and considering that they were friends she had every right to be disappointed.
"So.." she began after a while. She had to get him talking or she would go insane with the possibilities that came lurking in her thoughts. "Are you going to talk to me about this or do I have to guess?"
"Leave me alone," he suddenly grunted, but still didn't look at her.
"No." Buffy replied in a calm tone. Not like that, buster.
"I said. Leave. Me. Alone." Now Spike shot her an angry glare from the corner of his eye.
"No." she repeated in exactly the same voice and shook her head slightly. So guessing it was. She was not going to let him through with this. "It's about that woman, right? That.. Harmony?" she asked out of the blue. It was a suspicion, nothing more, but it was something to begin with.
"That's none of your business," he snapped.
That did it. Buffy leapt to her feet, throwing her hands in the air. "God damn it, Spike. It is my god damn business. You made it my business when I found you sprawled on your living-room floor with a very colorful variety of body-fluids decorating you. So don't give me that shit - tell me what the hell is wrong with you." She slumped down on the bench again, burying her face in her hands. Tears stung her eyes. His ignoring her hurt more than anything else. Why wasn't he trusting her with this? "God.. I.. I was so scared. Have you any idea what it felt like? Seeing you there? Not able to do anything? I was so damn scared I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even sleep the night after. But I guess that doesn't mean anything, huh?" She rose again, took her purse, and had started walking away from him when he called after her.
"Buffy?" His eyes still hovered over the ground but at least he had turned towards her. Buffy spun on her heel and looked at him in surprise, her eyes still red with the unspilled tears. "I'm sorry." A cloud of shame slid over his face as he glanced up at the young woman. He wanted to tell her but… he was embarrassed and he couldn't tell her everything. It would probably scare her even more and make her laugh. Both would be the end.
"Tell me about it." Buffy sat down again, her voice wavering a little but it had a warm tone. She wiped a stray tear away and looked at him although he was trying hard to avert her gaze.
"It.." He took a deep breath as if preparing for a long speech. "It.. was about her, she was.. part of it." He hesitated.
"Who is she?" Buffy asked after he didn't continue.
"She's.. my ex. After the accident, they brought me to LA - to a rehabilitation clinic. Harmony.. was a nurse there and for some insane reason she fell for me." Buffy gasped at that. This skanky ho was a nurse? That had to be a joke. "When they let me out, she.. volunteered.. to stay with me, take care of me, get me through the first weeks. But all she really wanted was.. to get in my bed. I.. told her.. that I couldn't…" He made a vague gesture with his hand before he continued. God, this was worse than pulling teeth. "And she left.. telling me that… I was pathetic.. nothing.."
He was close to tears, his voice quivering audibly, but he wouldn't give in. Not in front of her. There had to be that much dignity left for him.
"And when she came back yesterday, her words made a repeato-vision, too, huh?" Buffy asked, staring down at her hands, clutching her purse. Somehow she wished that he hadn't told her. Well, the truth was better than her guessing but.. it depressed her even more. What was that bitch thinking? She would bet anything that this ho hadn't the slightest idea what she was doing or saying.
Spike just nodded, rubbing the bridge of his nose, and absently wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "Hm, seems like I'm that pathetic after all." he tried to cover his real emotion with a forced chuckle and a lame joke.
When you believe that, you are, yeah, Buffy almost blurted at him. Her depression had changed into rage all of a sudden. She was angry at that bitch Harmony for strutting around like god's gift and saying those things... it was bugging the hell out of her - just like when you see a bunch of five-year-olds picking on the puppies at the pet store. It makes you really angry although it's just a small thing. But this wasn't even a small thing. And if she could see that woman right now she'd probably kick her ass for it.
"What?" Spike looked up at her, irritated. He could see and almost feel how she tensed up beside him. She was angry. Big time.
"You believed her, didn't you? You believe what she said to you?" Her brows formed an angry line as she looked at him now.
"And why wouldn't I?" he shot back, quirking an eyebrow at her as if it was the most stupid question in the world.
"Huh?" Buffy asked, equally irritated. What exactly was he talking about now?
Spike snorted. "You don't understand."
"Why don't you explain it then?" she asked impatiently. This question-and-answer game was getting exhausting and it made her more and more angry. Why wasn't he just spilling what was on his mind?
"I can't…" he hesitated, looked down at his hands for a moment before his eyes drifted back up to hers again. This was torture. Why was she doing this to him? "See.. like this… I can't.. run after you when we fight. I can't take a walk in the park. I can't crawl into bed with yo… with a woman when I come home. I can't kneel down in front of her.. when I want to marry her.." He couldn't continue and looked away from her, a single tear rolling down his cheek. He could only hope that she hadn't heard his little slip. He had never thought that he would ever tell her or any person on the planet about this but he couldn't deny the slight relief he felt now.
"That's all?" Buffy tried to make her voice sound firm but she couldn't hide her surprise. Not only had he finally told her something but she had indeed noticed the little slip. What was going on here?
"Yeah, that's all. Sorry if there isn't any further depth for you to analyse, I'm as simple as that." Yeah, so he was a hell of a liar. All he wanted to was to cover his god damn insecurity.
"Do you think that matters? All those things? If those are reasons for you to go and kill yourself, than you are as pathetic as Harmony said." He turned to stare at her incredulously but she continued. "Do you think I would be here if I cared about that? Do you think any of this means something?" She couldn't stand his look any longer and lowered her gaze, staring down at her shoes. "I'm here.. cause I care about you, cause I care about… what we.. what we have. Since we met I.. I have changed and you know that as well as I do. I think different about a few things, see them different. I've done things I wouldn't have given a second thought before. Like that play? I wouldn't have made it without you, without what you said. That's what matters to me. You.. matter to me. But if that's not enough…" She sighed deeply and tried to force back her own tears.
Spike looked at her for probably a minute without saying anything. He didn't know what to think. She'd never given him such a speech. Actually, nobody had ever given him such a speech, and he didn't know how to handle it. He had never thought that he would matter to her so much. It warmed up something inside, made him feel good in a way, but at the same it fueled the doubt he had. Why would she care about a guy like him? Why would he matter to her so much? But he couldn't ask her that. It was enough to have to deal with what she just said; he didn't want to dig any further, and he had to try to understand her words himself first.
Despite himself, he reached out and placed a hand carefully on hers, so they were both resting on her thigh now. Her fingers felt cold beneath his and out of sheer reflex, his thumb slightly stroked over the back of her hand.
Buffy tensed up even more beside him and stared at their hands for a moment. She felt his fingers trembling slightly as if he was afraid to touch her, to hurt her.
"Thank you." His voice wasn't more than a whisper and he couldn't gather up the strength to look at her. It was hard enough as it was, but looking into her tear-brimmed eyes would make him want to run away screaming - even if he couldn't do that, actually. "Thank you, for.. staying with and.. for.. everything. I'm sorry that.. you had to go through all this. I.. didn't mean.. to hurt you. I was just…"
"You're welcome." She cut him off. She knew that he hadn't enough energy left to go through with this. She knew it from the way his hand became colder against hers. Despite herself, she turned her hand and entwined her fingers with his, squeezing his hand slightly. "It's okay."
They sat there for a moment in complete silence. Neither of them dared to say a word and break the obvious connection building betweem them, a connection built through understanding and honesty.
"Mr. Rayne? Dinner will be served in ten minutes. If you'll return to your room, please?" A nurse had appeared behind them and they both jumped at her sudden words, their hands slipping apart.
"Yeah, sure." Spike nodded at her, a slow smile on his lips, and watched the nurse go.
"Dinner? It's just 5pm." Buffy exclaimed and stood. She felt a warm blush creep onto her cheeks. They had never been this close before, close not only on the physical level.
"Tell me about it. Hospital rules. Get up early, turn in even earlier." Spike shrugged and pulled back from the bench and onto the paved walk.
Back at his room, he already found a tray with a neatly cut sandwich, a glass of water and a little bowl of green jell-o.
"Great, if some disease doesn't kill you, this stuff will for sure." He snorted in disgust, rolled beside the bed, thumbed down the brakes of the wheelchair and lifted himself up into the bed.
"Yeah, I remember when my cousin was in the hospital. I always brought her chocolate." Buffy sat in the chair that was still standing close to the bed.
"You could bring me some chocolate, you know. Would make my day a whole lot brighter." he smiled at her, the first smile today.
"I'm on it." She returned the smile brightly.
"You want this?" He pointed at the jell-o. "I hate this stuff. I don't know why they serve it to people who are already sick."
"Sure." Buffy grabbed the bowl and the spoon and started wolfing down the wobbly substance. "You know, I think you're getting better pretty fast. You're already complaining again."
"Seems like. I've been in enough hospitals for a lifetime, maybe I have special healing powers."
"Oh!" Buffy's eyes went wide at the mentioning of 'healing'. "There's something you need to know."
"What? Where does all the shock come from now?" He frowned at her.
"Ben.. the doctor told me that you might be able to walk again."
"What? If this if a joke, it's definitely not funny."
"No, I'm not joking. He told me before I talked to you and I.. forgot to tell you. He said that the painkillers you take might block the restoration of the nerves in your legs or whatever. They are rebuilding, slowly, but they are."
"Uh-huh." Spike nodded, staring at nothing for a moment. His mind reeled with the new information. Being able to walk again? That would be…wow.
"Is that all you're saying?" Buffy looked at him expectantly.
"Uh-uh. I mean.. I'm just trying to comprehend. I mean.. they told me that I never.. I just don't want to be too euphoric just now."
"Okay…" she drew out the word. She couldn't deny that she was a little disappointed about his lack of reaction. Even she was happy and she had no idea what it must feel like.
He ate in silence for a while. If he could walk again.. that would add a whole other perspective to about everything. He could go back to his band, play concerts, get famous, he could even have a girlfriend again. He could live again. But it was way too early to dream about anything like that. He didn't want to have any hopes about something huge like that, he would be even more disappointed if it didn't work out in the end.
"You know what? I guess I'll head home. I still have some nasty homework to do." Buffy stood after a while.
"Will you.. be back tomorrow?" he asked carefully, taking a sip from the stale water.
"Sure. I'll try and sneak in some chocolate." She beamed at him. "Thanks for the jell-o and.. goodnight."
"Are you making fun of me?" he tried to mock-glare at her but failed.
"A little." she giggled girlishly. "See you tomorrow then." She turned on her heel and left the room.
It was still warm outside when she left the hospital. What had happened between them today? She had probably given him the speech of her life; she wasn't used to being so honest and it scared her a little. And the way their fingers had been entwined, the way they looked at each other..
It was all a little bit too much. She couldn't quite understand any of it, any of her feelings. She just knew that it felt good, too good.
Spike flipped through the programs the hospital-TV was offering him but nothing really caught his attention.
He could still feel her little warm hand against his palm. Despite himself, he raised his hand. He could even smell her soap on it, clouding his mind a little. The connection he had felt before, what was that?
Not that he wanted to question it any further right now, he just knew that it felt incredibly good, like a warm comforting blanket. He knew that he would sleep well tonight. Maybe even with a smile on his lips.
