Spinning the Wheel 23 - Sleep-Over
"You know that I'm not very happy with your decision," Ben said for about the twentieth time that day. He held his clipboard in both hands and watched Spike getting out of the bed into the wheelchair.
"Yeah, you told me once or twice," he grunted. The young doctor was mightily pissing him off with all his smiles and sweet talk. That he had obviously set his sights on Buffy notwithstanding.
The blonde sat in her usual chair watching the men arguing. Two days had passed since they had talked about Spike's attempted suicide. Ever since then he had gotten a lot better and was ready to leave the hospital. Since he had probably been the most annoying patient the hospital had ever had, the nurse had finally agreed to talk to the doctor and now Ben was desperately trying to convince him to stay. But Buffy knew that it wouldn't do any good.
"What about your bandages? You can't change them yourself." Ben tried to verbally slap some sense into his patient but he'd already given up hope.
"Oh, I can do that." Buffy leapt to her feet.
"You?" Spike and Ben asked in unison, both looking at the young woman.
"Ehm.. yeah. I've done a first-aid-course so it can't be that hard." That she wanted to keep an eye on Spike, they didn't need to know right away.
"Well, if that's okay with you…" Ben looked at Spike, who could almost see jealousy leaking out of every pore in the doctor's face.
Spike himself felt a little uncomfortable with the thought that Buffy would be getting that close to him. It was one thing just to talk to her about whatever, but letting her touch him was a whole different deal.
"Yeah, whatever. As long as I can get out of here." he shrugged despite his doubts.
They had an ambulance bring Spike home again, no matter how hard he tried to avoid that. He might be stubborn as hell but that was something even he couldn't change.
"You know that I won't leave you, right?" Buffy asked as they entered the apartment. She'd made sure that every evidence of his attempted suicide had been removed. When she'd picked up a few more things from the apartment, she'd taken the bottle and the knife back into the kitchen and also cleaned the carpet of some nasty stains. She didn't want him to be reminded of that again.
"What?" he asked, a little confused, as he made his way into the living-room. He remembered that night very dimly, only single pictures came rushing back once in a while.
"I'll stay here tonight." she said matter of factly.
"You're what?"
"I said I will stay here tonight. I won't leave you alone again. Plus I need to re-wrap your bandages soon."
He stared at her for a moment, trying to comprehend and to link her words to possible pictures. Her, sleeping here, probably next to him cause the bedroom.. was closed. "Oh you've got to be kidding me." he grunted under his breath.
"What was that?" she asked, a smile was playing around her lips although she tried to hide it. Seeing him squirm like that was just priceless. But she wasn't doing that just to harass him, she wanted to get behind all this, behind what was lurking behind that closed door. There were too many unanswered questions and she wanted the answers as soon as possible. And she knew that he would retreat if she asked them right away.
The rest of the afternoon and early evening had been rather uneventful. The only highlight had been when Spike had tried to manifest his hatred toward doctors and hospitals in the most colourful and British ways, leading to a variety of curses that would make anyone who had the slightest belief in any higher power blush.
The only thing Buffy could do was laugh. It was just most hilarious thing to see him so enraged. But both of them knew that they were only prolonging the inevitable.
"You really need to do that, don't you?" Spike asked, trying to hide his insecurity and fear under a heavy layer of annoyed glances.
"Yeah, I promised Ben, remember?"
"Now you're calling him Ben already?" he tried to glare at her but didn't fully succeed.
"Are you jealous?" she shot back.
"Over a guy who runs around in green pyjamas all day? Not so much, no." Well, maybe a little, his mind added but he didn't say it. Even if he had every right to be jealous, he would never admit it.
"Yeah, right." Buffy quirked an eyebrow at him and crossed her arms over her chest, knowing that he was lying. She had seen his looks whenever she had talked to Ben.
"So can we get this over with?" he asked impatiently.
"I'm not the one who's been playing the baby about this all day." Buffy turned and took the bandages Ben had given her from a sterile bag. She could almost feel Spike shooting daggers at her. "Now, strip." She almost giggled at that. She almost sounded like one of those naughty nurses. Just with a more serious attitude towards her work.
When she turned around, she found Spike unbuttoning his shirt. He'd f igured that it was easier for him to wear a shirt he could button up than a t-shirt he had to pull over his head. He didn't want to strain the wound too much.
Again, Buffy was surprised how well muscled he was. There hadn't been many occasions in which she could admire the result of his work-outs so she caught herself staring every time.
"Would you quit the gawking and get to work?" he snapped, a little more impatient than before.
"You know that line is never going to make it off the ground, don't you?"
He just scowled at her for an answer. "Okay, okay. Got it."
With careful hands she started peeling off the bandages the nurse had applied before. Buffy tried to memorize the way she'd wrapped the gauze around his body so she could copy it. When she got the last layer of the cottony material off his skin, her fingers brushed his skin and he winced.
"Come on, it can't be that bad." She stepped away from him, wrapping the gauze into a neat little ball.
Spike happily took her offer to peel off the pad on his chest himself. Her touch hadn't hurt. At all. Quite the contrary, but he didn't want her to know that. He remembered her touching his knees back then and tried to mirror the feeling to his numb legs. He couldn't but still felt awfully good.
"Wow, looks nasty. That's going to leave some pretty scars." Buffy exclaimed in slight surprise when her eyes fell on the various cuts and black stitches. She didn't want to ask why he had tried to cut 'it' out as he had put it. She knew he wouldn't answer.
"Yeah. Cool, huh?" Spike just shrugged, running his fingers over the future scars, careful not to break the skin open again.
"May I? Might be easier and I don't want to run around all the time." she gestured to his knees. Even though he tried to hide it, she saw him flinching.
"Yeah.. won't hurt." he said reluctantly and shifted in his seat a little.
Carefully as if she wanted to sit on a thin branch that was about so break, she lowered her weight down into his lap. She tried to keep most of her weight on her feet though. It felt awkward to be that close to him, but not bad. At all.
"Hold that." she said, businesslike, holding a cottony pad against his chest over the wounds. One of them had started bleeding a little during the day but not seriously.
Spike did as she said, watching her every move as she applied the medical tape at the corners of the pad. She ran her fingers over it to fasten it a little tighter and this time he didn't wince. This time he had to struggle not to react otherwise. Like now, as she was telling him to told the gauze over the pad and leaned into him to wrap the thin material around his chest. He felt her blouse-clad breast brush against his chest and he had to close his eyes at the sensation. He even bit lip in order to stifle any upcoming sounds. He couldn't remember being that close to anyone ever since.. Harmony. He shuddered inwardly at the mere thought of the skanky blonde. She had been close to him, but not like this. It hadn't felt that good.
Buffy moved back and forward slightly, wrapping the gauze around his back and chest in turn and around left shoulder to secure the bandages. Once or twice she caught a glimpse of his face, seeing him with his eyes closed send a shiver down her spine. Was he enjoying this? Like.. enjoy?
"Bandages applied and secured, patient done." she said in a falsely cheerful tone and reluctantly stood again.
He stayed with his eyes closed for a moment again before he finally glances up at her and then back down at his chest. The bandages were neatly set in place and taped to they would slip. "Thanks." he mumbled, trying to look busy with examining her work before he slipped back into his shirt and buttoned it again.
"You're welcome." she replied, still a little insecure about his reactions, and dumped the used bandages into the trashcan in the kitchen. "So.. how do we do this tonight?"
"Pardon me?"
She saw him blushing a little and it made her giggle. "How do we do this tonight?" she repeated. "With me sleeping here at your place so you won't do anything horribly stupid again."
"Oh.. right." he stumbled. Get your mind out of the gutter... where do these thoughts come from? "I.. I ehm.. sleep on the couch here." he said simply.
"But you.. do have a bedroom right?" Buffy knew that she was on thin ice now. She didn't want him to know that she knew about the locked bedroom and she had to play it careful now.
"Yeah but.. I don't use it."
"Why not?" Careful, Buffy, stay low.
"Cause.. it's too small for me. There isn't.. enough space to move around the bed." he said a little quickly.
She knew that he was probably lying now, too. Why would anybody lock their bedroom just because it was too small? Hell, her closet was bursting because of the load of clothing she stuffed into it and she didn't lock it. That didn't make any sense.
"So.. where do I sleep then? I mean.. I'd be fine with the floor, too. I've had many sleep-overs and my friend's places, so.."
"No.. it's.. we can… pull the couch out so we can.. both.. sleep on it." Spike felt heat crawling up inside him and into his face. Where did all the blushing come from all of a sudden? Was he out of his mind?
"Okay." Buffy shrugged and smiled. Damn it, he wasn't going to tell her one damned thing about the bedroom. And she just couldn't ask, that would be too obvious.
"I'll go and a get a sheet and another blanket and pillow then."
Buffy watched him move into the kitched to retrieve something from one of the drawers and then into the hallway. The key, probably, she noted mentally for later reference. That was strange actually. The bedroom was too small for him to move around but he could get in and pick up stuff. That didn't fit but she had to no time to think further about it because he was back in no time.
The makeshift bed was made in a little more than ten minutes and Buffy plopped down on it. "Hm, more comfortable than I thought." She bounced on it once or twice. "But it's way too early to call it a night."
"But you don't want me to braid your hair or polish your toenails, right?" he asked with mock-suspicion. His former insecurity had vanished almost entirely.
"Why don't we order a pizza or some Chinese stuff and watch a movie or something. I think there is something on tonight."
"I'm voting for Chinese this time. I need something real for a change after almost a week of hospital-food-torture." he was about to break out in another fit of curses but stifled it this time.
The rest of the evening was spent with a heap of Chinese food and a re-run of "The Other Sister" on TV. Buffy had watched the movie before but it touched her every time. Spike had complained once or twice and she had made a note to herself never to force him to watch chick-flicks with her. It was only pissing her off. Sometimes she even had the feeling that he was only doing it to harass her for fun.
"Well.. think I'll go and change for the night." she stood, stretching her legs.
"Yeah, there is.. there's one of my shirts in the bathroom. If you don't…" he broke off, not knowing how to complete the already completely screwed sentence.
"Thanks. I was going to ask that anyway." she beamed at him before she turned and left for the bathroom.
Spike shifted uncomfortably in his seat on the pulled out couch. This was going to be one hell of a night and he had maneuvered himself into it. He had made her play the babysitter for him thanks to his very stupid decision to kill himself. Not the smartest step in retrospect.
When Buffy came back she wore one of Spike's black shirts. It only covered her only to mid-thigh and left a little too much open to the eye, making the young man blush slightly despite himself.
"You gonna stay like that?" she asked curiouly, sitting down on her side of the couch.
"Usually I sleep naked but I thought it to be a tad impolite."
Buffy blushed at that, lowered her gaze.
"Buffy.." he looked her, smiling. "I'm kidding. Yeah, I'll stay like this if you don't mind." He gestured to the pair of cut off sweatpants. "I'll take a shower in the morning and the get the stuff to the laundromat anyway, so…" He shrugged.
"Sure.. whatever." The blonde still hadn't recovered from the joke. She drew her legs beneath the blanket and slipped under it. "You don't snore, do you?"
"Last time I checked no." He shifted into a more comfortable position, covering himself with his blanket.
"Well then…" Buffy propped her head on her hand.
"Yeah." There couldn't possibly be any situation more awkward than this. Spike reached over to switch off the little lamp on the table beside the couch, pitching the room into darkness. Thank the lord she couldn't see him blushing. He'd never felt more uncomfortable and he sure as hell wouldn't get any sleep that night.
"Goodnight." came Buffy's soft whisper after a moment and he could her shifting beside him.
"Night." This was hell. He must have died and went straight to hell. Sleeping beside her.. it was just too much. He remembered her words from that day in the hospital and it was choking him. Being that close to her was torture and he couldn't quite explain why.
About three hours passed and Spike still couldn't sleep. He lay on his back, his hands steepled behind his head and he was staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what was happening to him and between him and the girl who was sound asleep beside him.
Sometimes he glanced at her from the corner of his eye, noting how her nose twitched slightly or how her hair was fanned out on the pillow. Or how her mouth was slightly agape. She was really pretty even when she was sleeping and she was making the most adorable little noises.
Hey.. hold on... What are you thinking? Spike frowned at his own thoughts, pushing them back into the far corner of his mind.
Suddenly, Buffy whimpered and turned on her back, tossing her head to the other side and she mumbled something inaudible. He turned his head towards her. Her face was twisted into a mask of fear and disgust, her eyesbrows twitching and he could see her eyes rolling beneath their lids. She was having a nightmare and a big one.
With a sudden yelp she said up straight, swinging her legs over the side of the couch away from him. She was breathing hard with a little whimper on the exhale. Her hands clutched the blanket against her chest and she was shivering all over.
Spike sat up, too, drawing his weight beneath him. He watched her for a moment, not knowing what to do. He might startle her if he talked to her but he had to something. So he carefully reached out and touched her shoulder, light as a breath. But Buffy flinched and her breath hitched in her throat.
"Buffy?" he asked quietly. "You alright?" He shifted a little closer, trying to look into her face.
"What?" her voice was full of panic as her head whipped around and she stared at him, her eyes wide as plates.
Spike could only look at her for a moment. He'd never seen her like this, so scared and fragile. And somehow it scared him, too. She was such a strong girl and seeing her being so terrified… it must have been a really bad dream.
"You were having a nightmare." he said slowly, stating the obvious, and she nodded jerkingly.
She was still shaking and out of sheer instinct he began rubbing a little circle on her shoulder with his thumb. That seemed to relax her a little and slowly her breathing went back to normal.
"You want to talk about it?" his eyes were full of concern.
Buffy stared at him for a moment, then swung her legs back onto the couch and leaned against the back of it, still sitting upright. She drew her legs as close to her body as was humanly possible. She swallowed a couple of times before she could talk.
"I've had that dream since… I was little. Whenever I think it's gone it comes back full force."
Spike shifted into a sitting position himself so he could look at her. "What is it about?"
"Death." she replied simply, her eyes getting wide again.
"Death?" he repeated, a little stunned.
"Yeah." she breathed. "When I was eight, my cousin Celia.. she got sick. We've always played together. I was.. Supergirl and always saved her." she smiled at the memory. "But then.. she went to the hospital. I came to visit her everyday and than, one day, I… I saw her dying. She was.. in so much pain and I had to just stand there and watch her die." Her chin started to quiver and new tears welled up in her eyes. "And I couple of months ago.. my mom got sick. I don't know if she told you about it but.. she had a tumor and… almost died. She's fine now but…"
There was silence between them, stretching out into half an eternity. Spike was just looking at her, his mind reeling with the newly gathered information. "You're afraid of death.." his voice was nothing more than a whisper. "You're afraid of death cause you can't fight it."
"Yeah." tears rolled down her cheeks but she didn't bother to wipe them away. "Some nights.. when I close my eyes.. I feel like I won't wake up again and I.. start thinking about dying, how it will be.. if I can feel it. And it scares me so much." She sobbed and swallowed hard. "And it follows me into.. my dreams. I dream of.. my cousin, my mother.. and they.. they are dead."
He could only stare at her. Finally it dawned on him why she had been so afraid when he had been at the hospital. It must have been like a travel back in time to see her cousin die in front of her eyes.
Suddenly he felt even more sorry for what he'd done. He hadn't known and even if he had he would have done it anyway but still…
As if through a thick haze of thoughts he watched Buffy shifted under the blanket again, lying down on her side.
"I don't think it'll come back now." she said as if she'd been through this a couple of times before, as if going through some well-known motions.
He settled down beside her, his head resting on his arm and he watched her intently. "You sure?"
She nodded weakly, swallowing some new tears, and sniffled a little. But then she looked away in embarrassment, as if something was on her mind and she didn't dare to say it. "Can.. can you hold me?" she didn't look at him, it would have been too much.
For a long moment, Spike just stared at her. Was he dreaming? Or did she actually ask? Not that it was something utterly offensive or anything, he just couldn't comprehend properly. Despite himself, he shifted into a more comfortable postion, stretching out his arm. "Come here."
Buffy snuggled against him, resting her head on his arm and trying to avoid the neatly wrapped bandages around his chest. Carefully his hand closed around her shoulder. She seemed too fragile to his touch, as if she was about to break when he fastened his grip.
She laid one hand on his stomach and rubbed her leg against his. He knew it was there; he could feel the soft pressure but nothing more.
He couldn't remember having a woman this close to him and what it felt like. Her tiny body was radiating against him as if she was about to burn his skin. Her hand on his stomach drawing nonsense patterns on the thin material of his t-shirt. He could smell the faint scent of vanilla and peaches coming from her hair brushing against his arm and neck.
He closed his eyes against the sensation of having her so close to him. It was new and familiar at the same time. It was the strangest feeling and the very best he ever had. He was almost close to crying himself. Feeling her right there in his arms and knowing at the same time that it would never be more than that.
