A/N: Just so you know. I was listening to "My Skin" by Natalie Merchant while I wrote this. So if you want to have a feel for the mood etc. listen to that song.


Spinning the Wheel 26 - Going Through The Motions

Buffy sat on one of the stools in the kitchen, staring at the cordless phone in her hand. Her thumb danced over the buttons but she hesitated to push any. She knew his number by heart but she didn't dare to call him.

Almost a whole day had passed. Not even 24 hours and she was already worried out of her mind. What had happened yesterday… well… she hadn't slept last night, she had tossed and turned in her bed and even shed a few silent tears.

She could still feel his lips lingering against hers and it was sending a shiver down her spine whenever she thought about it. It had been quite some time since she'd kissed someone like that, it had been sweet and slow and fragile. It was a first kiss in all the best senses of the word.

But when it had been so good, why was she sitting in her kitchen now? Alone. Why did she have the sinking feeling that something was wrong?

She had to talk to him about it, or she would go clinically insane within the next few hours.

With a resolved face, she dialed his number but as soon as she heard the ringing, she hung up again, throwing the receiver on the counter.

"GAH!" she exclaimed, grabbed the phone and smacked it against her forehead. The sharp pang of pain made her regret it right away.

Why was she so insecure about this? She just had to call him and ask if he was alright and what this whole thing was about. It had just been a god damn kiss. Right? Right? She could go and kiss Dawn or her mom all day and it didn't make her insane with worry.

But that's not that same, light brain, she scolded herself, sighing deeply. This had been more and she knew it. She had felt it deep down inside her. Felt it in the way she had longed for it, in the way he had responded to it.

And, of course, in the way he had said those words afterwards. The words that had kept her awake the whole night. He was falling in love with her. If she had expected anything, but not that.

With an exhausted sigh, she picked up the phone again and re-dialed the number. This time she didn't hang up and waited until Spike picked it up.

His voice sounded tired, heavy and a bit slurred. Maybe he had been drinking again.

"Yeah?"

"Spike? This is Buffy." she said quickly as if the words burned her. Her free hand was shaking and she made a fist to steady herself a little. Why was she so damn nervous about this?

Silence at the other end. A long silence before he finally answered. "What do you want?" he sounded even more tired now, exhausted and there was a sigh at the edge of his words.

"I.. I just wanted to know if you were alright."

"Yeah." he replied shortly. "I'm good."

This was not good. He… was not good. Buffy knew it. "Spike… about what happened yesterday…"

"Look, Buffy…" he cut her off and then hesitated. She heard him breathing at the other end and the shifting of clothing as if he was rubbing at his eyes or something like that. "I… I can't talk about this right now, okay? I just... I can't. I need... time. I need to think about some stuff."

"But…" she felt her heart sinking.

"No." his voice was a little harsher now. "Please, just... leave me alone for a while, okay? I need time to think."

Silence again and tears stung the young woman's eyes. He didn't want to be with her anymore. Her bold move must have scared him off or something. "Okay." she whispered and closed her eyes against the spilling tears.

"Thanks."

After another moment of silence, Buffy spoke again. "Spike? I just... I'm sorry, okay? I just wanted you to know that and… I'm here… if you… need anything."

"Yeah, I know." he replied, than added, "Bye." And the connection went dead.

Tears were rolling down her cheeks and Buffy sobbed quietly. She hung up herself and laid the phone down, burying her face in her hands and wept.

This couldn't be happening. All this couldn't be true. She must have fallen asleep last night and this was a really crappy dream. But usually she would wake up now, find out everything was alright.

"Hey, what's up?" Dawn sounded a little too happy as she stood in front of her big sister who was still sitting at the kitchen counter, crying.

Buffy looked up, her eyes red and brimmed with tears, her cheeks flushed. She sniffed and wiped some tears away with the back of her hand.

"Nothing." she snapped, angry at herself that Dawn had caught her crying.

"Yeah, right. That's why you look all happy sappy to me. Do tell?" The brunette girl sat down opposite Buffy and propped her chin on her hands, looking expectantly at her sister.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Yeah, you do."

"Dawn…" Buffy's voice became more angry and she glared at her sister but her tear-streaked face took most of the effect away.

"It's about Spike, right?"

"What?" How did she know? Was she wearing a t-shirt or something?

"You're crying because of him, aren't you? You were at his place yesterday to talk to him about you being all nosey-girl and now you're sitting here bawling your eyes out. Something tells me that it went wrong."

Why did her little kid sister have to be so damn insightful sometimes? It was scary. But she didn't say anything. She just stared ahead and fresh tears were running down her cheeks.

"You know what you need? Icecream." Dawn hopped off the stool and took a huge bowl of chocolate chip icecream out of the freezer, along with two spoons. She sat the bowl between them and handed Buffy one of the spoons. "Eat some and then tell me."

They ate in silence for a while and Buffy's tears dried away slowly. The presence of her sister soothed her a little. Although they argued a lot - sisterly dues to be fulfilled - she felt that Dawn really cared about her and wanted to know what was wrong.

"He... he told me... about his accident." Buffy said finally and let the spoonful of icecream melt on her tongue. "He told me what had really happened. He… he saw his girlfriend dying." She gave her sister the total rundown on what had happened yesterday, including the kiss and that last admission that had sent her whole world spinning off it's axis.

"Wow." Dawn exclaimed around a spoonful. She had expected some heartbreaking stuff - her sister always reacted badly to heartbreaking stuff - but that was… damn. "You kissed him?"

"Yeah?" Buffy looked as though Dawn was her jury, judge and executioner. As if she had to feel guilty about the kiss. And she was, in a way. She knew that she shouldn't have done it, that she shouldn't have slipped past all of his security barriers and just stumble into him like that.

"How was it?" her kid sister asked, an exited gleam in her eyes.

"Dawn." Buffy shot her a warning look.

"Okay, okay." Dawn held up her hands defensively. "Well, now I can see why you are all mopy but what does it mean that he can't bear falling in love with you? Isn't that a good thing? I mean, after all he's been through."

Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. He just said it like that. And… I couldn't ask. I mean… you should have seen him. Going was the only thing I could do. He wouldn't have talked to me anyway."

Dawn thought about that for a moment. "Do you? I mean… do you feel that way towards him, too?"

Silence settled between the Summers's sisters. Long silence.

Buffy didn't know what to say. Dawn wouldn't buy a lie, she never did. That was the curse of the little sister, they just knew when you were not telling them the truth. But she didn't have an answer to this question. This was all way to confusing for her to focus on what kind of relationship they had.

Of course, she did like him. She wouldn't have spend so much time with him during the past months, despite their rather rough start. She wouldn't have spent hours at his side when he was in the hospital. All this wouldn't have happened if she didn't like him. But did she fall for him?

She lowered her gaze, staring at her knees for a long while, then she sighed as if gathering strength. But all she could say was, "I don't know." And she didn't.

The receiver must have weighed about a zillion pounds, it cost Spike three attempt to finally pick it up. But he just stared at it, unable to dial the number. And he even had it on speed-dial. But his hands were shaking so hard that he couldn't bring himself to pull through.

The ringing startled him more than anything and he almost dropped the phone.

"Yeah?" His own voice made him cringe, it was rough and sounded tired. And he was.

"Spike? This is Buffy?" Who else would even call him except for her?

He didn't know what to say for a long moment. He wished he could have hung up on her but for a second he was just listening to her breathing on the other end. "What do you want?" he asked then.

"I… I just wanted to know if you were alright." He could hear that her voice was shaking a little, making his heart clench even more.

"Yeah." he replied shortly. "I'm good." He just wanted it to end as quickly as possible. He wasn't good. At all. But he didn't want her to know that. She knew enough already.

"Spike… about what happened yesterday…"

"Look, Buffy…" he cut her off and then hesitated. A pang of sharp and blinding pain shot through his system. Not the kind of physical pain that left you writhing on the floor, but the kind of pain you can't fight with the best painkillers in the world. The kind of pain that goes deeper. He sighed deeply, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. "I… I can't talk about this right now, okay? I just… I can't. I need… time. I need to think about some stuff."

"But…"

"No." his voice was a little harsher now. "Please, just… leave me alone for a while, okay? I need time to think."

"Okay." Her voice almost a whisper at the other end. He could almost hear the tears in her words.

"Thanks."

After another moment of silence, Buffy spoke again. "Spike? I just… I'm sorry, okay? I just wanted you to know that and… I'm here… if you… need anything."

"Yeah, I know." he replied, than added, "Bye." Then he hung up, the receiver dropping uselessly to the floor.

There wasn't enough strength left in him to hold the little plastic thing in his hand. He had fought hard to keep the tears out of his own voice during the talk.

His heart was reduced to a painful little lump inside, as if someone was squeezing it with his fist.

Why? Why did it have to be like this? All he wanted was to talk to her, to have her back here again but he couldn't. He couldn't see her, couldn't talk to her. He wouldn't know what to say, it was all like a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions and he had no idea how to express them. His whole existence had been about words, weather is was his poetry or his songs. There were always words. But now? There was nothing, just something blinding and painful he wanted to run away from.

He never thought that this would ever happed again, he didn't know how to handle it. It was like the first steps of a new born deer or any other animals with too long legs. It was awkward, insecure and totally helpless. It was something he had to face alone, trying to figure out what to do now.

And sitting there in the dim light of his living-room, he felt entirely alone for the first time. Not that he hadn't been alone the three years before but this was even worse. He had come to know how good he could feel in company, how sweet life could be and that is was still a life worth living. He was pushing Buffy away from him because she was the person he wanted to be with the most right now. He wanted to flee from it by running in the wrong direction. If he was with her right now, he might not have to think about all this. But being alone, all that was left were his thoughts.

Clenching his fists so hard that it hurt was all he could do to force hot tear back.

Why did love have to hurt so much?


more A/N:
Just wanted to you guys know who much I appreaciate your feedback on this fic. It's a real support and I hope to get some more stuff up soon enough. Keep it coming!

Luv ya loads!