Spinning the Wheel 27 - The First Cut Is The Deepest
Four weeks passed. Four whole weeks in which she didn't hear nor see Spike. And she started to get worried. Of course, if something would have happened to him, she would have heard. She had talked to the neighbor on the same floor when he had been at the hospital to pay a little more attention to what was going on in the apartment next door.
But she was worried that he really didn't want to talk to her anymore. Not ever again. It was choking her because she still felt that it was all her fault. If she wouldn't have kissed him back then, she wouldn't be sitting in her room now, with the slow rain pearling down her window.
Christmas was in one week and the weather had become worse day by day. Not that is was going to snow in California, therefore it started raining. The sky was clouded and grey and it couldn't fit her mood any more perfectly.
The mug of tea she held in her hands was already cold as she took a sip. She hated this, feeling helpless and totally insecure. She didn't know what to do. Spike had told her that he needed time and she wanted to give it to him, but what if she would have to wait forever? What if he was waiting now for her to make a move, to see if she even cared about him?
But she couldn't call him again. She had tried once but her fingers had denied any action. And she couldn't just show up at his place. She had a key, true, but she didn't have a reputation for respecting other people's territory in their relationship.
Relationship, there it was again. One of the few words that had been haunting her in the last few weeks. She didn't know what kind of relationship they had, if it was one to begin with. She knew that they were friends, or had been until that fateful day. She knew that she liked him, very much, that she had told him things no one else knew and that he was trusting her more than any other person. And still she didn't know what to make of it.
She had never expected him to have that kind of feelings for her. But where she should be happy and feel loved, she was just scared.
There was a careful knock on the door before Dawn poked her head into her big sister's room. "Hey, mopey-gal." She didn't smile.
"Hey." Buffy replied tiredly. "What do you want?" She didn't even have the strength to give her voice an angry edge. To be honest, Dawn had been overly nice in the last couple of weeks unlike her usual kid-sister-behavior. Weird.
"I.. uhm.. I just wanted to ask if you would come along shopping. I still need something for mom and you are old enough to tell me what a woman her age likes." The brunette girl stepped into the room, crossing her arms behind her back and bounced impatiently on the balls of her feet.
"And just for that, I should throw something at you." Buffy glowered at her.
Dawn held up her hands in defense. "You want to slay me with your expensive shoes?" She beamed. "Kidding aside. You really look like you need some distraction. This whole thing is eating you inside out and as long as you don't talk to Spike, you need some serious sister-shopping-time."
For a moment, Buffy just stared at her. Why did she have to act all grown up all of a sudden? That was scary. And she knew that Dawn was right. She needed to get out or she would go clinically insane some time soon. So she flung her legs over the side of her bed and stood. "Okay. But any comments about my age again and you're dead."
A bright smile flashed over Dawn's face and she let out a happy shriek before disappearing into the hall.
Sunnydale had never been the most crowded place on the planet. You could always wander the streets without bumping into anyone or you could simply take a step aside on the street without being hit by a car.
It was as if the town was experiencing it's first Christmas ever. The streets were uncomfortable crowded despite the rain and the chilly wind that swept up some damp garbage here and there. It wasn't as if it didn't happen every year on the same day. But still, people seemed to forget about that day all of a sudden, started panicking and hit the streets to get the last presents. Thank god it wasn't any closer to Christmas. They would be dead by now, trampled by furious housewives and busy weekend-daddies.
"You know what? That's what I hate about Christmas. It's about love, right? And what's happening? People are even more pissed than usual. It's just not right." Dawn complained, a huge plastic bag in her hand that held a frame she wanted to fill with picture of her and Buffy. It would be the perfect present for her mom, even Buffy had said that. And that meant something, given the age an all.
Buffy didn't answer. She shivered in the rain and crossed her arms, rubbing at her shoulder, her umbrella wobbling a little and a fine spray of rain hit her face. She hadn't taken much joy in the shopping. She didn't even want to try something on or buy a pair of new earrings which was so not her.
"Hey… you look like a frost stick. You want to swing by at the Espresso Pump?" Buffy just nodded limply and they turned a corner to head for the local coffee shop. "You know, I'll get one of those Red Eye things. Xander said they were..." Dawn stopped as she saw Buffy standing stock still a few steps back. She followed her sister's eyes down the street to see an equally startled young man staring back at her. "Hey... ehm... know what? I'll go get the coffee, you hold this." She shoved the bag into her sister's arm who caught it clumsily before disappearing in the more than crowded Espresso Pump. At her last step, she shot Spike a slow smile.
Buffy didn't know how long they had be staring at each other. It was as if they met for the very first time. Her heart started to beat a little quicker and she swallowed hard before being able to make a step forward.
"Hey." A thin smile spread on her lips but it didn't even reach her eyes.
"Hey." Spike's expression was almost unreadable. He just looked at her, plain and simple.
"How... uhm... how are you?" 'Queen of wit, that's me.' Buffy thought and mentally rolled her eyes at the stupid question.
"Okay." he replied in the same flat tone.
And Buffy knew that he lied. It was the same lie he had told her on the phone a while back. He hadn't been good then and he was far from okay now. He looked tired, exhausted. His eyes had lost a few shades of blue and had dark circles underneath them. And for the first time she could get a glimpse of his true hair color, dark roots showing beneath the bottle-blond mass of damp curls. Now that she saw him like this, she realized that she had never seen any clue of his natural look. That must have been something he had preserved from his past; just like that coat.
She blinked after an uncomfortable silence had fallen between them in which he just kept staring at her. Not that she noticed since she returned his gaze with almost the same intensity.
"So... what... what are you doing here?" she asked after a while, knowing that this question had an equal amount of stupity to it.
"Running errands." He nodded as if to convince himself that it was true. "You?"
"Shopping. Dawn asked me to come along. She needed a Christmas present for mom." She lifted the bag for emphasis.
"Christmas, right." It almost sound as if he had totally forgotten about that.
Silence settled again, this one even heavier than the last one. This time both of them were staring aimlessly at the ground.
"Spike?" Buffy suddenly burst out.
"Hm?" He blinked at her in surprise.
"Can we... I mean... can we... talk?" She just couldn't hold it any longer. It had been enough to sit at home not knowing what to do, but seeing him now and not saying anything was too much.
"Think we have to." he said simply, although a dark and somehow disappointed shadow flickered over his face.
"Yeah... good. But... but not here, okay? This is just..." She pointed towards the row of people outside the coffee shop. "You... you want to come by my house?"
Spike seemed to consider that for a moment before he nodded. "Tomorrow? I need to... See... to some stuff today."
'Stuff? What stuff?' she almost asked but bit it back. The smile she gave him this time was a little brighter. "Great." she said instead.
"'kay... I… I need to go. See you tomorrow then." With that, he moved past her and disappeared around the corner.
"Let me just reverse my comment about love from before, okay?" Dawn appeared from the coffee shop, two to-go-cups in her hand
.Buffy jumped at the sudden words. "Dawn, did you listen again?" She glared at her sister.
"Well, no. I just saw you guys with the moon-eyes, that's all. So, what happened?" She handed her sister one of the cups with steaming hot cappuccino, before taking her bag back.
"First, there were no moon-eyes involved, you should stop watching those soap-opera. And second, we just agreed to talk tomorrow. He'll come over." Buffy took at sip from the drink, feeling the heat filling her body, the first comfortable feeling in weeks.
"You'll just talk?" Dawn raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, right."
Buffy sat over the newspaper in the kitchen, waiting for a kettle of water to start boiling. It hadn't stopped raining since yesterday but it was still warm enough not to heat the fireplace in the living-room. So she had to rely on every warm drink in the house to keep the chill at bay.
She almost jumped out of her skin when somebody knocked on the door. Her heart skipped a beat or two before settling in on a slightly raised pace. Spike. It had to be him. Dawn was upstairs and not expecting company and her mother was still at the gallery. And since they had to agreed on meeting here…
For a moment, she just stared at the door, hesitating and trying to steady her breath. It wasn't actual fear that made her stop, but she couldn't deny being a little afraid of what he might tell her now.
"Hey." She smiled politely when she finally opened the door. She didn't feel like smiling at all.
Spike returned the gesture although his eyes, too, seemed wide with a anticipation and anxiety. He still looked tired as if he hadn't slept in days and he was totally drenched by the rain.
Buffy told him so. "You want to come in? You gonna catch a cold."
"No, I..." he hesitated for a moment. "I'd rather stay here."
'In case he wants to make a quick exit', Buffy thought but stopped herself before saying it aloud. "Then let me get you some tea. I'll be back in a second."
She left the front door open as she disappeared into the kitchen, where the kettle was whistling.
She returned a minute later with a small tray with two mugs. A towel hung over her arm. She put the tray down on the small table beside the wooded bench on the porch and handed him the towel. "Here. If you don't want to come inside, dry yourself off instead."
Buffy sat down on the bench, pulled her legs under her body and draped a blanket over her knees. Thank god, the damp hadn't gotten her yet.
Spike rubbed the fluffy towel over his dripping hair and face but the chill that crawled down his spine stayed. He watched Buffy from the corner of his eyes, seeing her taking a sip from the steaming tea.
He could bet all to nothing that she could hear his heart thumping furiously in his chest. Seeing her yesterday had been like a pro-boxer's punch in the stomach, unexpected and breath-taking. No matter how tough you think you are, you just falter at the impact.
He hadn't slept that night, had always seen her surprised face in front of him. And now he was here again.
God, he had missed her so much. Had missed her smile, her voice, the aura of peachy-vanilla scent around her. It was almost too much to bear to see her now. But she looked tired as well. Her honey-blond hair was pulled back in a tight pony-tail and she wore a thick knitted cream-colored sweater she almost drowned in. It seemed sort of out of place at her petite form.
"So…" she began after a while without looking at him.
Spike had just picked up don't need at the cup, flinched and spilled a few drops on his jeans. He knew that the inevitable was close. He had tried to push it away as far as possible but he had agreed to this. He had made his bed, now he had to lie in it.
He hesitated for a long moment, trying to gather is thoughts to get them out without starting to cry like a little girl. There was enough weakness for both of them as it already was.
Then, he looked up her, only to meet her green eyes which were intently focused on him. He took a deep breath before speaking, "About what I said... that night... I meant it. Every single word." His gaze never wavered and in retrospect he would be surprise that he had the strength to do so.
"I know." Buffy replied almost on the spot. She blinked slowly, lowering her eyes as she did and stared into her tea. "But I don't understand it."
"Will you hear me out?" he asked, his voice a little tired, strained. He remember his words from their first big talk. It had started almost the same.
"Yes." she said simply, glancing at him from the corner of her eyes. She was chewing on her lip absently, trying not to think about what he might tell her now.
"I loved her." he began, looking out into the rain-clouded Revello Drive. The tiny droplet were hanging in a fine mist in the air, drifting in the light breeze. This was just right weather to tell such stories. "More than anything. I met her when I was fifteen. I was... a total wuss back then and she just... she altered my life. She... was the first woman I've ever been with. She... showed me things, did things to me… She was everything to me. She was my world." He swallowed and blinked new tears out of his eyes, trying not to let the upcoming emotions stop him. He had to say this now or never. "And then...", he continued, "she's gone. She's just... torn away from me. It's like when the carpet is ripped from under your feet. And you fall into... nothing. There is nothing." Despite himself he wiped a tear away that threatened to roll down his cheek.
He could feel his heart thumping in his chest and it almost seemed as if it wanted to make it's way out of his mouth and take a look around.
"And now..." he added after a moment, his voice quivering a little and he swallowed again. "You come along. And it's just...", he shook his head indifferently, "if I would loose you now... I couldn't bear it. I wouldn't survive it." And with that he ended.
He stared out into the street, his eyes glistening with tear that threatened to spill. She saw him biting his lower lip to keep it from quivering.
And then, it dawned on her. Now she understood his words from before. Why he couldn't bare it. The love of his life had been taken away from him. Not only had she broken up with him that very same day but she had also died in the accident. She was just gone.
And now that he was starting to feel for her the same way he was scared that she would be taken away from him, too. That he built the trust in her and than it would be over again. That he opened himself up to her, let her into his word and it would happen again.
He tried to protect himself from being hurt again. From being hurt ever more.
"Do you love me?" she asked bluntly. She already knew the answer, had seen it his eyes, but she just had to ask.
Spike lowered his head and sniffed back another tear. "I tried so hard not to but... yes. Yes, I do."
She saw the muscles in his jaw clench as he tried to keep himself from sobbing. And she, too, had tears on her eyes. The way he just said it, it sounded too much like a burden, something nasty and unpleasant.
Thick and awkward silence settle in between them, heavy enough to crush the fragile bond between them.
"I... I don't expect you to understand this but..." Spike began after about five minutes but Buffy cut him off.
"I do." she almost blurted.
She really hadn't planned going there now. Or ever again, for that matter. And as she saw him blinking at her in surprise, she already regretted it.
So she hesitated for a moment before she began her part of the story. "When I came here a couple of years ago, I met a guy in my school. He was a little older. And I fell for him right away. He was my first boyfriend, my first real love. On the night of my 17th birthday... we slept with each other." She sighed, dwelling in the unpleasant memory for a minute. "And as first times with older guys go... he was gone the next day. I didn't hear from him for the next couple of days. And when he showed up again he was... well, he was different. He started threatening me and my friends, my family. And then... suddenly... he was gone. And I didn't hear from him ever again."
She glanced up at him and caught him watching her intently. When their eyes met, he flinched away, staring down into his half-empty mug.
"So I guess, Riley was right when he said that I didn't love him back the way he did. I just... I don't trust... guys... very well." she confessed. She had never told anyone about this. Of course her friends knew it first hand but not the about her emotions.
Spike watched her for a moment before he dared to ask. "Do you trust me?" He knew that it was all he could ask her now. He couldn't and wouldn't ask her if she loved him, too. She wouldn't have an answer to that. He knew it instinctively.
She looked up at him and held his searching gaze for a long minute. She felt her heart skip a little beat before she nodded, "Yes."
"Do you trust me just because I can't run away from you?"
Buffy blinked at that. "What?"
Spike broke the eye contact first. "You know what I mean. Do you just... trust me... cause I'm safe?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yeah, you do." he replied, his voice tainted by a little flicker of anger. "Buffy, I told you what Harmony said to me. There isn't much I can give you. So I'm just asking. Look, in the last couple of weeks, I... couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. All I could think about... was you. So... if this is all there is to it, then..." He couldn't say it. He couldn't think about what was going to happen.
"No." Buffy replied quickly, understanding his fear, seeing all the pieces his heart and soul had been shattered into. "It's not about that. I trust you... because." She nodded for emphasis, hoping that he would see her honesty.
And when he looked at her now, tears were brimming his eyes, making the pale blue seem a little darker now. There was still fear shining in them and all Buffy wanted to do was to crawl inside him and mend his broken heart with all the love she could give.
Wait! Hold on! Love? Did she just think 'love'?
Well... maybe. But she wasn't ready to admit it yet.
Trusting him and telling him so was all she was able to give now. And seeing him devastated like that… rushing into things would only complicate everything if not destroy it entirely.
She blinked again as she felt his hand resting on hers. Her eyes traveled along his fingers, his hand and up his arm until she locked her gaze with his.
They just looked at each other for several minutes. It almost seemed as if they were communicating with their eyes only, saying words which didn't need to be spoken aloud.
Spike's thumb grazed the skin of the back of her hand slowly before he spoke again. "You think... this'll work? I mean... you... and me?" The words felt strange on his tongue. He hadn't even thought about considering them a couple. And he still didn't do so now.
"If... you give it a chance. I know... it's not going to be easy and... it might hurt, too, but... I think we can work something out." She tried to smile a little, trying to lighten up the situation. But she knew that it wasn't that simple. "If... we take it one step at a time."
"Yeah... that would be..." Great? Fantastic? More than I ever dreamed of?
He didn't know which one to pick so he just let the words trail off. A slow smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
The same smile appeared on Buffy's face. The inner girl was jumping up and down at the mere thought that he didn't hate her and that he wanted to see her again, that he loved her. But she didn't want to get overly exited. It was going to be a hard time for both of them now.
"Speaking of which..." she rose and made a step towards him, settling down on his lap. He looked up at her in surprise. "It's Christmas... and there is in fact a mistletoe hanging over our heads." She pointed towards the door where the little green twig dangled from a red ribbon. "So... if I kiss you now... will you kiss me back?"
A moment passed between them.
God, there was nothing he wanted to do more right now. He had longed for that touch since she had kissed him four weeks ago. The thoughts about that had kept him awake most of the time. He was desperate to feel the rushing sensation again that was waiting on her lips.
His smile had changed into a smirk. Even though it was hesitant, it was there. "Try me."
And so she did.
