A/N: Thanks for all the lovely reviews. You guys just rock.
Spinning The Wheel 30 – Enough Is Enough
Grey December sun peaked though a crack in the curtains and dipped the rom in a dim, almost sad light.
Usually a light like that wouldn't have done anything to the sleeping Buffy but this morning she awoke just by the faint chance of lighting in the room.
Slowly, she blinked her way into consciousness and it took her a moment to take in her surroundings.
She was in Spike's bed who was sound asleep right beside her.
He was lying on his back with one arm draped over this eyes as if he was trying to keep the annoying light out of his system. She could hear him snoring quietly and he wrinkled his nose now and then. It was probably the sweetest thing she'd ever seen but god knew that she would never tell him that.
The blanket was draped loosely around his legs, leaving the right one open to her eye and his scars all too visible.
Her fingers darted out to touch the vulnerable pink skin again. She remembered the way he had watched her when she'd touched his skin for the first time.
She knew that it was rather impolite but she just had to do it. So she reached out carefully and her fingers ghosted over his skin. Of course he wouldn't feel it but she was still overly careful. Her fingertips traced over the baby-sweet skin of the scar that wound up around his knee and she followed it up to where it disappeared underneath the blanket.
Sadness flickered over her face as she remembered the horrible story these scars told, how much misery they mirrored.
"Can you tell me exactly what you are doing?"
Spike's voice startled her so much that she jerked her hand back as if burned.
"Oh.. hi." She smiled sheepishly. "Thought you.. didn't feel that."
"Well, I don't. But I'm paralysed, not blind." He quirked an eyebrow at her and took his arm completely from his eyes.
"I'm.. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.. manhandle you."
Spike smirked at that. "No, it's.. it's okay. I bet that it.. felt nice." A small blush crept on his cheeks. "I mean.. I can only judge from when you.. uhm.. changed those bandages. That was.. okay."
"Yeah, what about that? It's all healed up?"
He couldn't quite deny that he was a little disappointed about the sudden change of events. "Yeah, it's all good." He pulled his shirt up to reveal the zig-zagging scars on his chest. Another gruesome story.
Instinctively, Buffy's hand darted out and Spike shuddered visibly under her touch. He closed his eyes and licked his lips.
"Yeah… it feels good." He thought aloud.
"Why did you try to cut it out?" Buffy asked bluntly, her fingers still resting on his skin, and he blinked in confusion. "You said that you tried to cut it out when I found you that day. Why?"
Silence. Almost two minutes neither of them spoke.
He didn't want to go there. At all. Spike successfully avoided her gaze, before he finally sighed. "It hurt too much." He made a melodramatic pause before he continued. "What Harmony said that day… it struck home. She said that.. I wasn't good enough.. for you. And I thought she was right. I knew I would never have a chance and.. it just hurt too much."
He had sworn to himself that he would never tell her about that had really brought him to the point where he wanted to kill himself but he knew that it had been inevitable. Buffy wouldn't have believed any lie he told her.
Buffy looked at him with tears brimming her eyes. Deep down, she had sensed that he had something to do with it but not in such a profound way. She had been the trigger for all this.
And besides that, a little thought clawed it's way into her brain. He had this feelings for her even back then? And she didn't see it?
Out of reflex, she leaned forward and gave him a quick but deep kiss. She rested her forehead against his and they lingered like that for a moment before she pulled back. "Do you regret it?"
Spike frowned at that and waited a moment for her to specify her question.
"Do you regret that you sued me? After the accident?" Buffy was chewing on her bottom lip, afraid of his answer. She looked at him, seriously.
Spike shrugged. "Wasn't my idea."
"Huh?"
"I didn't want to sue you. Willy came to me in the hospital. Said he could help me making some money if I let him take it to the court. And at that point I was pissed enough to believe him." He lowered his head a little guiltily.
"Yeah.. but do you regret it?" Buffy asked again.
Again, silence settled between them. "At first, I did." Spike said that. "I didn't want to have anybody around. Especially.. not you. You were…"
"Awfully annoying, sticking my nose in things that weren't my business and being the most obnoxious person in the world?" Buffy continued.
"Sad but undeniable, yeah. " he joked but got serious again a second later. "But although I hated it at first.. I'm kinda glad that.. you were there. It felt really good to talk to someone."
Buffy looked at him for a long moment, drowning in his honest, open gaze. It was amazing how much had changed since they had met for the first time.
About half a year ago he had barely said more than words in a row and with her even less. He had closed himself up, locked himself away like the stuff in his bedroom. He had hidden behind a high wall of self-defence and even if they were still working on tearing that wall down, there were already tiny holes in it through which she could take a peak at the real Spike.
She knew that it would still take a lot of time of him to deal with all the stuff that had happened but her hope was strong enough that they would work it out sooner or later.
"I'm sorry." She said suddenly, tearing them both out of their thoughts.
Spike blinked and raised an eyebrow at her.
Buffy lowered her gaze and sighed before she continued. "You didn't really give me a chance to apologize when.. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you.. what I knew about.. your accident." He shifted beside her, bringing his weight underneath him to sit upright. "I knew it was wrong, I just.. I had to know but.. I didn't know how to tell you. I know that.. you would be angry. I'm sorry."
Spike looked at her for a long moment. He could almost feel the regret radiating from her. He knew she was more than serious about it, he'd already seen it that day. But he couldn't take her apologize that day.
"I trusted you.. more than anyone else." He began after a while, looking at her with almost sad eyes. "I told you more about me that I never thought I would. I know now that it wasn't enough. I should have been more honest with you. I should have talked about this." He pointed towards the wardrobe where his coat was still a remnant of his past. "But.. you have to understand that I couldn't. I just.. I just couldn't. And it still hurts. It didn't mean to.. cut you off, I just.. it was too much. There are still.. things I can't talk about. I know that it's not what you want, but.. that's all I can give you right now."
Silence fell between them. Silence, thick and heavy, but also a silence that didn't need to be broken. They had their marks settled for now.
"So.. you take my apology?" Buffy asked then, her eyes glittering hopefully.
"If you take mine."
She snuggled against him and took his hand in hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "It's enough." She nodded and smiled sweetly.
Spike ran his hands through her hair, wrapping one strand around his index finger index finger. He wouldn't deny that he was close to tears and it cost him much effort to fight them back. Deep down, he was surprised that she actually understood him, that she wasn't asking for more than he could give her now. But he also know that she was holding back, too, that she had problems trusting people. It wasn't the best way to start a relationship but he needed her too much as to worry about that.
Slowly, he pulled her closer, locking his gaze with her's.
Their lips met as light as butterfly wings, tasting each other, coming closer step by careful step. He sucked at her bottom lip, nibbling at it a little with his teeth.
Her tongue darted out to touch his and her arms slipped around his neck. She felt it fingers gliding into her hair and to the back of her neck. Common sense was checking out just then, saying goodbye for a short-trip to Paris, and she carefully slipped into his lap.
Spike didn't complain. With one hand, he held her head and the other slipped around her tiny waist, pulling her closer. He was drowning in her kiss, just like he had when they's kissed for the first time a few weeks back. He would never forget the way her lips felt on his.
Along with the rhythm of their kisses, Buffy started moving her hips a little, gyrating against him. It took her a minute to register the effect that had on him and she grinned against his mouth.
She let her hands travelled down his chest, continuing her movement, and her right hand slipped between their bodies.
He groaned against her lips, his eyes rolling back but he grabbed her gently by her forearms and pushed her away from him. His eyes were still closed and he licked his lips, trying to get his common sense back together.
"Don't." Spike's voice sound rough, a little strained.
Buffy looked at him, trying to understand. She looked down his body and raised an eyebrow. Did she do something wrong? Did she hurt him? "Spike?" she asked hesitantly.
Slowly, he opened his eyes. They were darker than usual and he took a long breath to steady himself. "I'm sorry, I.. I can't."
Buffy frowned even more. "But.." She slipped from his lap and plopped down on the mattress again, looking at him.
"It's not… what you think." He nodded towards his groin. Yeah, that, he did feel. And he wanted to feel it again, he was literally aching for it. "I.. I just can't." He blushed a little.
This was going all too well. First, they had to talk about this fateful night when Harmony had appeared on his doorstep and now they had to talk about that. That was definitely too much for one morning.
"Care to explain it?" Buffy tried not to sound too disappointed. Things had gone pretty well this morning, no fights, no great misunderstandings and some touchy feelings. That was all she wanted. She wanted to be with him, getting the whole relationship package. And now he was pushing her back.
He lowered his eyes. His left-over dignity was on the brink and he was afraid to loose that it along with her. It was the reason why Harmony had left him back then and he didn't want to loose Buffy, too. That would be too much. He breathed slowly, carefully sorting out his words.
"I know it sounds.. totally stupid and chauvinistic but.. I can't do it like this. When.." he stopped, rubbing his eyes. He couldn't look at her. It was simply too embarrassing. "When we.. do this I… I want to.. make love to you and I can't.. do it like this. I don't want you to do some sort of noble act or something. That would be… I'm not ready to go that far."
Buffy studied him for over a minute. Her thoughts were way too jumbled to be squeezed into sentences or even words. What could she possibly say to that?
Tears started forming in her eyes and her hands started shaking a little.
Finally, Spike raised his eyes to look at her, a nervous expression on his features. Why didn't she say something? Was she going to run away and leave him alone now?
"Can you say something?" he asked then, his voice quivering with anticipation.
She shook her head slowly. "No." Then, she shifted and snuggled back again his side, her arm reaching around his waist.
Spike looked down at the young woman. On his own accord, his arm slipped about her shoulders, drawing her closer. Her warmth was something he had missed for so long, just to be with someone felt incredible. But he was still waiting for an answer. And that was nagging on him.
Finally, Buffy spoke. "You're pretty brave saying that, you know?" She swallowed. "I get that. Take as much time as you need, okay? But.. if you want me to make you feel really good…" she chuckled again his chest, her fingers curling against his stomach. "Just let me know, okay?"
He chuckled, too, then said, kissing her on the head, "You can count on that, luv."
