Title: As Told by a Minion
Written by: leo hime san
Started: June 16, 2003
Chapter Two finished: June 30, 2003
Rating: PG
Notes: Gah! My paragraphs became completely screwed up in the last chapter! It looked perfect before I uploaded it (sighs). Oh well, what to do.
I'm sorry for taking so long to produce this second chapter. Seeing as so many people loved the first chapter, I didn't want this one to end up like a movie sequel: trying to outdo the first and ending up failing miserably. I hope this second chapter meets your expectations and then some.
I'd like to say thank you to all who reviewed my first chapter, especially to Sangrita deLenfent and Ismail Saeed for telling me the Japanese word for 'silver crystal'. Thanks all of you for your kind words and your encouragement. Also, thanks to my new editor, Jack, for the title of this chapter. It wasn't what I had expected, but it works! I hope that this chapter will also be to your liking. Once again, all spellings are done in British English rather than American and Sailor Moon is still not under my ownership. Neither is Sean Paul or any movie that is mentioned below. Enjoy!
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Chapter Two: Fo' Shizzle
During my excursions on Earth, I often came across many colourful proverbs that humans used to motivate their lives. One of these was 'If at first you don't succeed, try and try again'. The other, undoubtedly the bastardised high school version of the original proverb, went 'If at first you don't succeed, frig the world and smoke some weed'.
I am dead certain that Beryl-sama was practising a combination of the two. Her level of stupidity is made, not born.
I was still trying to comprehend the depths of Beryl's mental retardation as I teleported to the park, accompanied by myself and I. Under normal circumstances, my first mission would have seen me heading out under the guidance of the General whom had trained me. At first, I thought Beryl had decided to send me on a solo mission due to my apparent act of insubordination during the meeting. Shortly before I departed the Negaverse, I learnt that she had discovered General Zoicite using her body wash (and her bath tub) immediately after the meeting concluded and proceeded to blast the living daylights out of him. I scoffed. If such a man was willing to risk his life for a bath product, then I was better off alone. I doubt General Zoicite will be worrying about smelling springtime fresh for a while. Second-degree burns tend to do that to you.
Finally, I arrived at the much-abhorred Juuban Park. It was dusk, thus giving the sky an interesting gradient of dark blue and pale pink. The shadows were beginning to immerge from the trees, granting me necessary cover as I moved through the park in search of humans. It was agonisingly boring. During the first 20 minutes, my little nature ramble led me to two squirrels, a family of ducks, an empty condom packet (I raised an eyebrow at this one) and an unopened box containing a Lord of the Rings action figure which I promptly stored away in my subspace pocket. Maybe Beryl didn't realise this (which I knew she didn't), but humans tended to avoid dark, bushy places such as the park come nightfall. No human in their right mind would put themselves in a situation like that. They even made low budget, stupid yet mildly entertaining slasher movies to illustrate that very point! Oh come on now, Fearless Leader! A park? Who in the…. wait, was that music?
The energetic sound of dance music floated rather faintly from my far left. I recognized the tune as being that of one of Sean Paul's latest songs, a human whose music was apparently drawing crowds at many of Earth's dancing establishments and was from an island nation that, unlike this particular island nation, had no senshi. I quickly shook my head free of that thought, still sorely upset that I was sent to the scene of so many failed attacks. It briefly crossed my mind to attack a nightclub instead of a park (in a mass of gyrating humans, who'd notice a lion-like chick siphoning off some energy?) but I decided against it.
Orders were orders, regardless of the mental incompetence from which they were uttered.
Closely following the music, I soon came upon a young boy (what humans referred to as a 'teenager') doing what I can only describe as an epileptic fit to the song being emitted from his CD player. I stared with disgust as his blasphemous movements, which were completely uncoordinated with the rhythm of the song. Just what did he think he was doing? I was viewing the life-action version of the 'Mr. Feather Dance Sequence' from Undercover Brother, with 'Get Busy' being the brutalised song. Maybe there was a reason why this particular human was at the park at this hour. No doubt, he wanted to spare himself the shame, embarrassment and ass whipping he'd surely recieve had he been with his peers.
Shows what he knows.
Having decided to put this poor, graceless bastard out his misery (it was either that or hang myself with my coat sleeves), I stepped out of the shadows and approached him. He was so caught up in…whatever he was doing that he didn't notice me until he turned around in the middle of a spin. He stood frozen in a dance pose and stared at me slack jawed for a few seconds. I was almost expecting him to run screaming into the night within the rest of the minute when he suddenly cracked a goofy smile and pointed at me.
"Kick ass costume, brah!" he proclaimed gleefully, his eyes lighting up with childish delight under bangs of bleached hair.
I blinked, quite dumbfounded at the actions of my chosen meal ticket. A costume? Brah? Did he not see that I was a female? I was so lost in trying to comprehend what was going on that I almost missed his next statement.
"Yo, you lookin' damn fine in that outfit, sweetness!" He purred as he circled me in an attempt to get a better look at my 'clothing'. I groaned in disgust and disbelief. First, I had to endure the dimwittedness of Queen Beryl and now deal with mental sexual harassment from some Japanese nincompoop that thinks he's from 'da hood'?
My day just went from crappy to piss poor, honestly.
"What you all dressed up for, hun; an anime convention? I be digging the way you blending da Cat Girl and Revolutionary Girl thang, sweetness!"
Sweetness? Is that how this cretin talks to women…well, females? Just what in the…. is that lust I'm seeing in his eyes? That did it. There was no way I was going to stand for impudence from some prepubescent, acne-ridden waste of a conception!
"Excuse me. This is not a costume and I am not 'sweetness'. My name is Aoi, a soldier of Queen Beryl's army and I demand that you show me some respect this instant!" I said slowly and carefully with just a small amount of the sheer rage I was currently experiencing. Usually, that was enough to do the trick and had sent many an annoying male youma scurrying for cover in the past.
Instead, the earth-boy laughed.
"Whatever you say, sugar!" He drawled lazily, and then he did the one thing that completely sealed his fate,
He grabbed my backside.
The skinny ass little fart house grabbed my backside.
The skinny ass, grater faced, obnoxious little fart house had the gall to grab my backside.
The gloves were coming off and may the God of this planet have mercy on his ignorant ass.
The licentious look in his eyes was quickly replaced by terror after I had him up against a tree with a clawed hand gripped tightly around his throat. I was shaking with rage; he was pissing his pants. I'd say we were even.
"Maybe you didn't hear me clearly, you sad sack of excrement!" I growled at his rapidly paling face. "This is not a costume, I am not 'sweetness' and you are certainly pissing me off!"
He blinked and licked his trembling lips, gasping for air through his now narrowed airway.
"Fo' shizzle?" He wheezed, trembling like a leaf in a gale.
I narrowed my eyes before applying slightly more pressure to his neck and moving my lips closer to his ear.
"Fo' shizzle."
I brought my face in front of his once more, his fear seeping through the few unclogged pores he had. I cleared my throat before continuing to enlighten him.
"Now that we've cleared that little hurdle, let me fill you in on a few details." I stated with a sneer. "As I said before you signed your death warrant (he actually had the decency to look ashamed at this), my name is Aoi. I am a youma for Queen Beryl's army, and I was sent to collect energy to further our cause."
As I spoke, I positioned my free hand a foot away from his face. I saw him glance at it, probably wondering what I was planning to do with him. I smirked. He'd learn soon enough.
"Now, perhaps you can tell me what our primary energy source is?"
He blinked rather stupidly before sinking into deep thought. After a minute, a hopeful expression dawned on his face and with 100% certainty in his voice he croaked his answer.
"Energizer batteries?"
Sweet Mother of Christ.
I decided not to waste any more time with the buffoon and caused an energy collecting aura ball to materialise in my free hand.
"Wrong answer, numb nuts." I murmured at him shortly before I drained him of his spirit energy, leaving just enough in him to keep him alive yet comatose. Grateful that the mission was complete, I happily let the wretch's body slump to the grassy floor while I transferred the newly filled ball to the Negaverse. I was actually surprised that I was able to fill my quota with just one human. For such a little sod, he had an energy equivalent of five adults wrapped in his skinny frame. I smiled to myself. Not only would Beryl-sama be happy with the energy boost, I've managed to preserve a human female from the advances of one uncouth bastard and I had more than enough time to kill for the duration of my stay.
A few minutes later, I was strolling towards a Juuban park exit with a smile on my face, my gloves back on my hands, about 2000 yen in my pocket (courtesy of Mr. Out Cold by the tree) and ready for a night at the movies. I was in no hurry to return to the Negaverse. After all, I've sent the energy along and Beryl-sama was probably torturing some poor sap of a youma at this very moment. Besides, I needed a good action movie tonight. Maybe Charlie's Angels 2 or The Italian job or…
"Hold it right there, Negascum!"
Oh great. This was just perfect. Although she had arrived a lot later than expected, I really didn't want to have to deal with her now. Stifling a groan of agony at how close I'd been to getting away and cursing myself for not teleporting to the cinema instead of walking, I slowly turned around to meet the voice's owner. There, panting quite heavily stood a short blond girl in a pair of red calf-high boots and a sailor outfit. She was striking a strange pose with her arms and staring straight at me.
No introductions were necessary, I thought as I tucked my hands into my coat pockets. Attempting to lock me in a stare me down and still very winded was the much-detested senshi: Sailor Moon.
I hate my life.
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Author's Notes: There! The second in a three-part story! I'm glad this chapter's finished; it took me a while to plot out and write. I hope to wrap this up neatly and hilariously in the third chapter. I don't want this story to drag out to the point where it loses its flavour. Please review this chapter and tell me how it seemed to you. I probably had five people read it before I posted it up, but I'm won't be satisfied until I've heard from you. :D I won't make any promises to post the third chapter a lot sooner than I've done with this one. Seeing as it'll be the concluding chapter, I want it to be great. Thank you!
