Descent into Madness

I. Lost

The flesh of his arm was still aching and burning from being twisted.

"You will if I say you will!"

Hot angry tears slipped over high cheekbones.

"Look at me when I'm speaking to you!"

When he didn't move, claw-like fingernails dug into his chin, forcing his gaze upwards. A sneer twisted her face. "You pathetically weak excuse for a boy, what I ever did to deserve such a disappointment as you I'll never know."

He wished he could stop crying. He wished he'd never started in the first place.

She released his chin and his lips parted in relief as the pain of her fingernails began to recede. She observed him through narrowed eyes. "Now, I want you to get on your knees and apologize, then ask for my forgiveness."

It was not long ago that he would have kneeled and pleaded with his mother. Yet he understood more clearly now what to give in to her would mean. He understood now that he would be allowing her to mold him in her image. The thought both frightened and angered him. And so he did not move.

Her eyes widened, baring their whites menacingly. Her voice dropped to a low hiss. "Did you hear me, child?"

"Yes," his chest was heaving yet he'd managed to slow his tears. His voice was meek.

Her mouth became a thin line as she cocked her head, scrutinizing her son. "I said kneel."

He did not trust himself to speak again, so he held her gaze and shook his head. She had a fistful of his hair and was arching his neck at a painful angle, satisfaction smiling in her face as his eyes screwed up against the onslaught once more. "Idiot boy. How dare you disobey me. Think you're something special, do you?" she gave a particularly hard yank making him gasp. "It's time I remind you once more of your place. We named you well, you lowly dog. Kreacher!" he flinched as she shouted near his ear. "Fetch me a belt. A sound beating will do this boy a world of good."

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They were over by the tree again. They were always by the tree. That used to be their spot, but now he felt like a stranger to it. He didn't know how much more he could take. He was loosing his brother and was helpless to stop it.

Someone bumped into his shoulder and muttered an apology as they passed. Sirius took a deep breath, his startled heart hammering as his senses were flooded with the life of the gusty grey day around him. He blinked away from the two figures under the tree. The wind tugged his hair off his face as he surveyed the grounds, the chill of the air permeating his robes.

He cast a frustrated look at the overcast sky then at the black and red heads beneath the tree before heading back into the castle. James was most obviously occupied and Remus had disappeared. He turned down a hall and headed for the common room. Maybe James would eventually miss his company and seek him out.

His hair fell back into his eyes as he climbed the stair passing some prefects hanging Christmas decorations. The sight of the deep green boughs dropped dread into his stomach. It was little over a week until the start of the winter holidays. He adjusted the strap on his shoulder, thinking of the letter he'd received yesterday. Oh, but yesterday seemed so long ago… anxiety lurched his gut.

He muttered the password to the Fat Lady and made a beeline for one of the armchairs in front of the fire. Once there he un-slung the heavy bag from his shoulder and sank stiffly into the chair. His gaze lingered on the fire for a long moment. He could work on his History of Magic essay… but James was expecting to do it with him.

Well, too bad for him then. He roughly jerked his textbook from his bag and began leafing through, not really seeing the pages.

Try as he might he couldn't blame Lily. It wasn't her fault, nor was it James'. It was life's fault- a part of growing up. Yet reminding himself of that didn't make it any easier. When he thought of how little he'd seen of James over the past week his annoyance flared. Didn't he know he needed him? Didn't he know there were time Sirius was nearly dependent upon him? After the drama over the summer he'd hoped his friend wouldn't need reminding, that he'd understand. Yet it was a wordless understanding and one he wasn't keen to voice, especially since the thought immediately shamed him. How selfish he was! He should be happy for his friend, his brother, and not lamenting the absence of his company.

Looking up from his book he glanced about the common room. His fellow students were busily chatting or working in groups. His stomach began to tighten as he realized he was the only one alone again.

Two girls were speaking in the corner of the room. One of them noticed his gaze and made eye contact briefly before returning her eyes to her chattering companion. They both laughed. Were they talking about him- mocking his solitude?

He rose quickly, swinging his bag back over his shoulder, the History of Magic textbook in one hand, and headed for the boys' dormitory. He hadn't expected anyone else to be in the dormitory yet still breathed a sigh of relief to find he was alone. He dropped his bag and book on the bed then froze as his eyes fell upon the letter on his nightstand. Anxiety flooded his inside once more, causing nervous heat to blossom in his skin.

He hadn't told James. He hadn't told anyone. Yet he knew someone knew. She's written herself that she'd told someone…

How could she have such control over his emotions, even here?

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James eyed the boy at the end of the table, far from the long tables' other occupants. A smile spread over his face as he realized that Severus was seated opposite Sirius. With their backs turned to each other, neither seemed to notice that they'd chosen a seat next to the other. However, when the hem of Sirius' robes suddenly caught fire, James knew the oblivion had been one-sided.

Sirius leapt to his feet, swearing as he struggled to stamp out the flames. James didn't have time to reach his friend before a woman bustled between them. "Mr. Black!" her voice was the grating hiss of one attempting to yell while still whispering. "This is a library!"

Having extinguished the flames Sirius jerked his head to toss some of the hair out of his eyes, facing the librarian. He made no effort to quiet his voice. "And?"

"It is not a suitable place for spell-practicing," her voice grew louder as she fought to continue to whisper-yell.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Thank you, Ma'am. I'll be sure to pass that bit of information on to Severus here."

The librarian didn't seem to catch his meaning for her voice now matched his in volume. "You may very well tell whomever you like, Mr. Black, but since you were already issued a warning last week I hereby ban you from this library until after the winter holidays."

Sirius snatched up his belongings under the piercing gaze of the librarian. He met her glare with equally narrowed eyes. "Happy Christmas, then." he pushed past, all heads turning to watch his exit.

James could feel the tension of the many students fighting the urge to whisper as he turned around a bookcase and followed his friend out. Yet when he exited the library Sirius had already disappeared. The smile slid off his face as he looked left and right, searching for a sign of his friend.

Deciding Sirius had most likely have headed for the common room, James quickened his pace, yet when he got there Sirius was not among the gathered students. He headed for the dormitory to drop off his bag, pausing for a moment on the threshold when he caught sight of Sirius's bed with the curtains pulled closed. He quietly set down his bag then stepped up to the bed, his voice unsure. "Sirius?" He could hear a rustle within.

"What do you want, Prongs?" His voice sounded exasperated.

James furrowed his brow. "Can I open your bed curtains?"

A sigh, then the muffled voice again. "If you must."

James tentatively pulled back the scarlet fabric to find his friend lying face-down, head burrowed into the pillows. He couldn't help but smirk. "What's wrong, Padfoot?"

"Nothing. Everything's great. Why wouldn't it be?"

James rolled his eyes, matching his friend's sarcasm. "Right. Well, glad we cleared that up. I'll just be going then…"

"Fine. Run along to your little girlfriend."

"What?"

Sirius shifted to peer at his friend through his bangs. "You having problems hearing, mate?"

James paused for a moment, surprised at being the target of Sirius' anger. "All right then. You're obviously in a bad mood."

"Just shut up and go away." The bespectacled boy was too surprised to respond and for a moment remained frozen, Sirius's icy gaze still upon him. "Go on! I'm sure Lily's waiting for you somewhere."

"What the hell's wrong with you?"

"Nothing. Just sod off!"

James held up his hands in defeat. "Fine. I'm leaving. You happy?"

"Not till I hear the door close."

James slammed it shut in response. Sirius winced then rolled onto his back, guilt creeping through him. He wanted to go after James and apologize right then and there yet his pride kept him where he was. Like James even really cared. He was perfectly happy to ignore his friend whenever Evans was around.

He felt a twinge of shame. He liked Lily and knew it wasn't her fault that James spent less and less time with him. What bothered him was that James didn't seem to even need him anymore, yet he gritted his teeth in frustration when he considered how much he depended upon James.

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