I dedicate this chapter to my Padfoot. You know who you are. ;o)
And I tried to update on Friday, but the site claimed it was "experiencing too much traffic. Please come back in a few minutes"... of course, hours later I got the same message. ;o)
Descent into Madness
IV. Reconciliation
She should have known. She should have seen. He'd been under her gaze since he was eleven years old and she had noticed nothing? The fact of the matter was that no one seemed to suspect anything; even his best friend didn't seem to know much about it. He was a damn good actor, that Sirius Black. Damn good at keeping up his façade.
"It is not your fault, Minerva."
McGonagall jerked her head up quickly, not having heard the Headmaster enter. "P-Professor Dumbledore…" she hastily rose in her start. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled.
"I trust that our patient is doing better?"
McGonagall looked down at the slumbering form, slightly tangled in the blankets. "Yes. Pomfrey gave him a sleeping draught."
"Ah, yes. I daresay it looks as if you might need one, also."
McGonagall shifted slightly, tucking a few stray strands of hair behind her ear. "I'll be all right, Albus, thank you."
He inclined his head slightly, his gaze serious. "It is not your fault, Minerva."
McGonagall looked away, her eyes lingering on the sleeping form in the bed a few feet from her. "How could I not have known, Dumbledore? This child's been at our school for nearly six years. I'm his head of house."
"Indeed, it seems young Mr. Black has fooled even the best of us. I myself came very close to believing his act."
McGonagall narrowed her eyes, her voice surprising herself with its accusative tone. "You knew?"
Dumbledore's face seemed to slacken and he gathered up his robes and stepped forward. "No, I did not. However, it has been my experience that whenever one employs such bravado as Mr. Black has done, one is nearly always attempting to conceal a portion of who they are."
"Very true, Headmaster. I just wish I'd seen it before." She paused as Madam Pomfrey slipped past, bearing clean gauze.
"Sometimes one has to act out, as young Sirius did, to alert others to the pain within. The important thing is now we know."
There was a hesitant pause. "His mother has written to me."
"Indeed?"
"She's requested that I make sure he returns home over the holidays," she took a shuddering breath. "And yet I promised him he could remain at Hogwarts."
Dumbledore gave a rather non-committal grunt, nodding.
As Madam Pomfrey dabbed ointment onto the healing wound on his back, McGonagall scowled. Several scars showed in the dancing lamplight. Her voice was icy. "I cannot let him go back."
"Alas, neither you nor I am his guardian, Minerva."
"Look what's been done to him, Dumbledore! How am I expected to send him back to the people who did this? He's terrified of returning home, Albus. Terrified."
"I believe the dwelling of his family ceased to be his home long ago, Minerva."
As Pomfrey pulled the blankets over Sirius once more he emitted a soft whimper and shifted slightly in his sleep, soon calming into motionless slumber once more. McGonagall felt her lip begin to tremble. "It breaks my heart."
"It is our great fortune to get to know so many wonderful students; to touch their lives for the better when we can, and to watch them grow into beautiful people. Yet it is also our great misfortune that we can only teach them so much. We can only love them so much, for in the end, we are only here to guide them. They are not truly ours."
McGonagall wiped her nose then sniffed. "I am expected to give an innocent child to the hands of such monsters?"
"I will not advise you in this matter, Minerva." McGonagall looked up in surprise. "As you said, you are this student's head of house. I have every faith that you are more than capable of dealing with this situation."
A fond squeeze on the shoulder, a quiet rustle of his robes, and he was gone.
oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo oo000oo
Sirius tried not to hug the sling to his chest as he stepped into the common room. No one seemed to pay him any heed. He locked his eye on the entrance to the boys' dormitory and stepped forward. Out of the corner of his eye he thought he could see James sitting by the fire, but he didn't slow. It was embarrassing enough to be seen in his pajamas, let alone to be sucked into a conversation in them in the middle of the crowded common room. Once in the safety and quiet of the deserted dormitory, he rummaged about for some clothes to wear.
He had most of the day ahead of him, after all. And class would start soon. If he rushed he'd make breakfast, but he wasn't hungry. The memories of the previous night kept replaying in his mind. He felt as if a weight had been lifted, and his step was much more free with the promise of remaining at Hogwarts over the holidays, as McGonagall had promised. But at the same time he felt the red tendrils of embarrassment snake up his neck. He had cried. In front of her. And she knew.
With his good hand he yanked on his trousers then with a frustrated groan he struggled to awkwardly fix the clasp. He had to gently ease his arm from the sling to get out of his pajama top.
"What are they from?"
Sirius jumped, turning wide eyes to face Remus. The other boy's brow furrowed.
In response, Sirius turned his back on the boy, fidgeting with his shirt in an attempt to clothe himself.
He didn't hear Remus' footsteps but instead felt a hand grab at the fabric, helping him to ease it over his head. Sirius glanced sheepishly over at his friend. "Thank you." Remus only smiled.
There was a pause as Sirius began to look for socks. Remus watched him curiously. "You didn't look too good yesterday."
Sirius glanced up, peering at the quiet boy through his black bangs. "I had a fever."
"Sirius," Remus sighed and Sirius found himself apprehensive of the other's next words. Remus' voice sounded far too purposeful for his comfort. "Something's been bothering you for a long time. It isn't anything with us, so I figured it had to do with home. And then last summer, you ran away."
Sirius hadn't realized that he'd paused in his sock hunt, yet quickly resumed once he noticed, not wanting to look at Remus.
"I know what those scars are from."
It was then that the two boys locked eyes. Sirius had to fight the urge to bite his lip, but his heavy swallow didn't escape the other boys' scrutiny. Remus narrowed his eyes. "Why didn't you ever tell anyone?"
Grabbing a pair of socks he slammed the trunk closed then turned to face his friend who was now seated on his bed. "There was no reason to."
Remus frowned. "Why do you say that?"
"You're one to talk, werewolf. You didn't exactly tell us, did you?"
Remus gave an infuriatingly noncommittal shrug. Sirius glared then muttered, "Practice what you preach."
"I would have told you, you know."
"What?"
"When I could have. I would have told you. I didn't want you all to find out that way."
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He began to tug on his socks. "It doesn't matter anymore."
"But Sirius… you were hurting."
He looked up now and immediately wished he hadn't. Remus' empathetic eyes were almost more than he could bear.
"You became Padfoot for me. James became Prongs for me. Hell, even Peter became Wormtail for me, all so that I wouldn't have to be alone. So that I wouldn't have to hurt alone."
Sirius didn't like the way his throat was beginning to constrict.
"Why did you have to do this alone?"
"Because."
"'Because' why?"
Sirius didn't hesitate to lock eyes with the other boy. "Because I'm a Black."
Anger sparked in Remus' eyes. "You just like to wear your mask too much."
Sirius blinked in surprise. "What?"
"This act that you do. Like you haven't a care in the world when you're really crying inside. It's all just a mask you show to the world."
Sirius was panicking now. There was no way he was that obvious. He'd thought he'd had everyone fooled…
"Like mine."
He frowned. "You don't have a mask, Moony."
The other boy laughed humorlessly. "If you don't know it then I don't know who does."
Sirius eyed him curiously. He'd never expected Remus to understand so well. Remus' eyes locked with his and Sirius felt a pang of pain at how haunted and wise they suddenly looked before they turned away in unease.
"You know I fake it, too. That it doesn't hurt. Every once in a while I can convince myself that I can see clearly the road ahead. But it's always just in my imagination. Each month it returns to remind of who I am. Of my place. But you know, Sirius," he turned to look him in the eye. "That part's not a mask anymore. I know who I am. Being a werewolf is only a small part of what I am, not who I am. And it's the same with you, you know."
Sirius looked down at his feet, his shoes nearby. His voice was quiet. "I know."
Remus squeezed his good shoulder before rising just as James entered. Moony and Padfoot exchanged one last meaningful glance before Remus cracked a grin. "So where you going over the Holidays? My place or his? No full moon till early January." He winked.
Sirius shot James a weary glance and was surprised to see the other boy nervously smile back at him. "S-Sorry about your arm, Padfoot. I-I didn't realize-"
"Forget it."
Sirius bent down to put on a shoe. Remus wandered over to his bed and began gathering up his textbooks. James stepped forward. "I thought you were coming home with me over the holidays."
Sirius jerked his head up to look at the bespectacled boy.
"But Remus was just saying…"
"We're having a sleepover no matter whose house he goes to," Moony called over his shoulder as he stuffed his books in his bag.
Sirius cracked a lopsided grin then returned his gaze to James as Remus waved before exiting. "You, uh, you don't hate me then?"
James frowned. "Hate you? Why would I hate you?"
Sirius' eyes shifted to James' black eye, raising his eyebrows questioningly.
The other boy rolled his eyes. "You've always been the impulsive one, Sirius. You act without thinking. You let your emotions rule you."
"So," was his childishly defiant response and he turned away again, trying to lace up his shoe single-handedly, suddenly realizing that his childish response was also fueled by emotion.
James sighed and knelt to help his friend. Sirius bit his lip as the other tied his shoe for him.
"Didn't you learn this when you were five?" He had only to glance up at his friend to feel the full power of the others' glare. He chuckled. "Put your foot in the other one."
"Why are you putting on my shoes for me?"
"Because you have a broken arm, you git."
"No, I mean, why… why are you being nice to me?"
James looked up at Sirius, concern suddenly griping his features. "Because you're my friend." He rose, having finished tying the shoe. "More than that, you're my brother."
"But I was so awful to you…"
"I know. But I should have been around more. I let my head get all clouded up when I'm around Lily. I can't think straight…"
Sirius chuckled. "I could have told you that second year when you tried to-" he paused suddenly when James held up a piece of parchment.
"This was on your nightstand."
Sirius looked away.
"You don't really have to go back, do you?"
Sirius shrugged. "McGonagall says I can stay here."
"Well if you can stay here I don't see any reason why you can't come home with me. I just wish you would have told me rather than letting it eat at you…"
Sirius took the letter in his good hand. "Why would I? We've never talked about it before."
"Yes, well, when you showed up last summer looking like you had just been attacked by a pack of feral dogs as Padfoot I had some clue. But you never seemed to want to talk about it and I didn't want to, you know, invade your space or whatnot."
Sirius shrugged. "I have no space anymore."
"Well you do now. I'm not leaving Hogwarts without you." He handed the other boy his Gryffindor tie.
Sirius smiled reluctantly as he accepted it.
Please Review!
A/N: The second half of this chapter wasn't in the original version, but as my dear reviewers have been asking about it,I realized that it would be foolish not to write in James and Sirius' inevitable reconcilation. I think I had originally leaned towards keeping a scene like this for fear it would take away from the overall feel that I was attempting to create with this work, but I think it still works. Your feedback shall be most appreciated and treasured!
Review Responses:
saiyanwizardgurl: Thank you so much for your feedback! That last chapter I think I was the most timid to post, but I'm glad that you could still see it in-character. :o) And I shall look out for your new story! I wish you the best of luck! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know, okay? But I know you always do. :oP
EsScaper: Oh I'm SO glad that you liked the "softer side" of McGonagall! I always thought we got a glimpse of it in the 4th book after Harry had faced Voldemort. She's such a stoic woman, but not entirely so. And now you also got James and Sirius' moment: what did you think:o) Does it still work well?
Trovia: It's simply splendid to hear from you, my dear! I'm very glad that you like the story so far and hope that I still have your high thoughts. Yes, I agree, that moment with Sirius could have changed his character in this story, so I can see how you'd be weary. However, (forunately for the purposes of this story, I suppose) I have quite a bit of experience in this subject area, and even the strongest of individuals needs a shoulder to cry on every once in a while, and when they are proud, like Sirius, it usually helps if that shoulder is someone who knows them yet not intimately. That way it's easier to hold your head up afterwards and resume your mask. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter, and the following ones, of course. And you're most welcome for the quick updates- I've certainly tried:o)
niccc: Thank you so much for your kind words! I certainly will continue this tale to its end, which is indeed on the horizon. Thank you for your input and I'd love to hear what you thought of this chapter. Take care, sweetie!
Allacaya: LOL- I loved that you identified McGonagall as "a teacher with a backbone." LOL. And that backbone will come into play in the next chapter... but that's all I'm saying. ;o) Yes, this resolution was a bit less dramatic than a great escape, as it were, however I wouldn't have put it past our impulsive Sirius to leap off of a moving train... lol. I just read your bio and guess what? Since I was raised on it, I've wanted to be Indy for quite some time, as well. ;o) I even wrote "Relic Hunter" on a prospective career form in high school. ;oP
kurtcobain4eva: (sniffles at you name) I'm so glad you like my worl, sweetie! Thank you so much for your review- it's lovely to hear from you! LOL, better and better with each post? Wow, now that's a lot to live up to now... lol. ;o) I hope this chapter lived up to your standards! Take care!
paige-rossi-black: grins I'm glad you liked the lastchapter, my faithful reviewer! Awww bless your heart! I hope you didn't cry too much. :o) LOL, and don't worry, "poor Siri" is okay with me. ;o) And you're most welcome for reading your stories- it was my pleasure! I hope you liked this chapter! I know you'll let me know. ;o) Take care my friend!
RubyRaisin: OMG- thank you so much for your review. It was SO GOOD to hear someone aknowledge how dangerous the last chapter could have been, and then to hear that it worked was such a relief. Thank you so much for your support, and I certainly hope that you enjoyed this chapter. Please let me know what you think! And thanks again for reviewing. :o)
LaLa-the-Panda: Thank you for your review, my dear! I hope you are still enjoying this tale! I know... poor Snuffles:o) What do you think of this chapter? Take care!
Phinea: I'm so glad that you found the previous chapter convincing. I'm sorry if it was a bit of a tear-jerker, but you know how it is; that was also the effect I was going for. ;o) Thank you also for your input! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'd love to hear what you think!
Padfoot: LOL- well, you've got your Moony now! ;o) I'm gald that you liked last chapter, sad though it was. And yes, I was hoping that it might help to show how human Sirius is. People who are in pain, like him, often adopt a mask to hide it, and his isthat of acocky, headstrong boy. But all masks must eventually slip...
