A/N- I'm so, so, so sorry it has taken me so long to write this. There has been entirely too much going on in my life- I started college and more, it was all just really hectic. Anyway, I really hope this chapter is worth the wait, and I hope my readers are still out there and willing to read this. I hope you enjoy it! Please review if you read it, it really helps. Thank you.
Oh, and by the way, this is the only chapter that will be written from Maria's point of view, just to cut down on confusion. Enjoy!
"I had a dream last night, that you came to me on eagle's wings and I flew away with you on a painted sky. I woke up wondering what was real, is it what you see and touch or what you feel? 'Cause you're still here."
-Faith Hill, You're Still Here
I brushed my hair away from my face slowly, looking at my face in the dirty mirror. Even in the dim light, I could see my failures. Each one etched out in my eyes, my mistakes now only scars across my cheeks, along my jaw bone. My skin had gotten so pale, my hair so dark. It had been so long since I'd truly looked at myself, and what I saw scared me. I wasn't me anymore, I'd lost myself in my pain.
"Maria," Michael called softly from outside the door. I turned and looked at the closed door, knowing that he was in the hall waiting for me. I studied the lines in the wood, shifting my weight from foot to foot. I lifted my hand, and pulled opened the door, meeting his eyes again.
Michael still looked at me the same way he had years ago. His eyes staring deep into mine, penetrating my soul. Keeping his feelings at bay, he would see into me and know exactly what mine were. I remember back in high school, I tried so hard to get him to open up and be the Michael I wanted him to be, not realizing that the best part about him was that he wasn't that person.
He turned and headed down the hall toward the bedroom, and I followed silently. With every step I could hear the questions running through his brain. Where had we been? Why did I look so frail? Why had we left him? Questions I didn't want to answer, some I didn't even have answers to.
I sat down on Michael's bed looking around, the smell and presence of him wrapping around me, the comfort this apartment brought us so long ago. He didn't say a word as he looked at me, his eyes searching my features for answers. He was so scared to ask the questions raging through his mind, he was so scared to hurt me.
"What happened to you, Maria?" His voice came out just above a whisper, I had lean in close to even hear what he asked. Closing my eyes, I shook my head trying to erase all the memories. "We didn't know if you were sick, or hurt, or even alive. Just the not knowing drove me crazy, you didn't call. You never wrote me. I never meant to push you away, Maria. I- I wish I could go back in time, and do something- anything- just get you to not go away."
The words rushed out of Michael's mouth, and I looked at him, trying so hard to hold back his pain, so afraid to yet again show me what he was feeling. Michael, always putting up a front. He never let anyone in anymore, it was killing him to confess so much to me.
"We had to leave Michael," I whispered, "I know you'll never understand- we just had to leave. Roswell wasn't safety for me anymore, I didn't find comfort or a home here. We were both just so scared, and... and we had to leave. We should have told you, I know, but we didn't- and I can't change the past."
He looked at me, "you're just so..." his voice trailed off.
"Different?" He nodded, and I knew what he was saying. I was no longer the Maria DeLuca he'd pictured for so many years. "There's something Liz didn't mention when we were out there, she's trying so hard to protect me," I smiled and shook my head. "Even Liz couldn't protect me. Liz and I left together, but we didn't stay together. A year after we left, I separated from Liz. I left, I just left her alone. I ran away during the night. I was so lost, Michael, I'd forgotten who I was. I look so different now because I spent a year trying to hide from everyone else, and hide from myself. Because fear and pain were a weakness, and fear and pain are what built me. I ran away to nothing, a life on the streets, struggling to survive and forget. I've seen and done things you can't even believe."
Tears sprang to my eyes, and I closed them, turning my head away from Michael. "I'm not proud of what I did, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to myself, and even longer trying to make it up to you. The things I've seen, Michael," I shook my head, "no one should have to see that. I was alone, I didn't have any money- I needed to survive, just survive. I did whatever I could, I left Liz alone, and slowly I began to feel myself dying. When I went back to Liz, she took me back, asking no questions and not questioning why I'd had to leave. Liz and I both know deep inside our hearts what made us leave, but I can't put it into words."
Michael looked at me and silently took my hand, examining my frail fingers, clutched inside his strong, healthy hands. "Please forgive me, Michael. Please... please just understand that I had to leave, I couldn't stay here anymore, I had to leave. And please accept me back into your world, please don't hate me for my weaknesses. Please don't distrust me for the things I've seen since I've been away. Please... just please understand."
I met his eyes, begging him silently to understand exactly the reason I needed to go, and exactly the reason why I needed to come back. He slowly lifted his hand, running it down my cheek, wiping away my tears with his thumb.
"I'm ready to love Maria again," he said softly, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth as he looked into my eyes. He leaned forward, kissing my lips softly and in that moment I knew, I knew that Michael was the answer.
