A/N- Yes, yes, I know it's been awhile. I'm not going to list my excuses (that would take too long, hehe) but I really am sorry. Here's the chapter and I'm going to start writing the next one almost immediately. I already know what's going to happen, I just have to get it down- which, with classes and all, is the hard part. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. As for the next chapter you can look forward to another Maria based one- maybe even in her point of view to make it better. Remember, in the story Liz and Maria left shortly after Alex's death, so the Roswell life as we know it after that does not exist. We'll see. I hope you like this, and please review- I love all of you reviewers!
"Open the door, and show me your face tonight. I know it's true, no one heals me like you, and you hold the key."
-Sheryl Crow, "I Shall Believe"
I looked around slowly, scanning the familiar room with my eyes, taking in my surroundings. I took a step into the room and ran my hand over the desk, remembering so vividly all the years I'd spent here. I was home again, in my room, right back where I'd always subconsciously known I belonged. My fingers broke through the film of dust that clung to the desk, signifying our years of absence and our barrier between past and present. I tore my eyes away from the finger marks and looked around again.
I took a step forward and sat slowly on my bed. It had been so long since I'd been here- everything looked exactly the same as it had when I left. My mother told me that they'd never gone into my room. It'd been closed up the day I left, and they didn't dare enter- so afraid of the emotion my room held for them, so afraid to remember their daughter who'd disappeared so suddenly. They didn't know where I was, they didn't know if I was suffering, they didn't know whether I was happy or sad- dead or alive. Grief saturated my soul as I'd watched them speak that day at lunch. I'd never thought about the pain I was causing everyone when we left; we just needed an escape. By the pained expression my mother held when she talked to me about the months I'd been away, I could see the sadness we'd caused everyone. Our flee was selfish, and I knew that. We'd needed it though; we'd needed to get away from Roswell. We now would forever be stronger because of our time away from Roswell; our time growing and becoming the Liz and Maria we were today. Maria is so much different from the person she used to be, hardened by her past and the days spent away from me. I knew Maria would begin to heal. Roswell would bandage our open wounds; Roswell was always the answer.
I stood up and walked over to my dresser, looking down at the pictures that sat in a neat line along the back. I smiled as I picked one up, running my thumb over it to wipe off the thin layer of dust that had collected. We looked so happy; everyone's faces lit so brightly with the smiles that we'd grown to stitch so carefully on our faces. Michael, Maria, Isabel, Alex, Max, Kyle, Tess, Amy DeLuca, Sheriff Valenti and I stood smiling brightly for the camera. We all wore our prom clothes, hair arranged so perfectly- all pretending so well that everything was fine. I knew that behind our smiles, our souls held so much animosity. Even before Alex died, things were far from perfect. As happy as the picture looked, our hearts were already overridden by sadness.
I took a breath, running my finger over Alex's face. It had been so long since I'd seen a picture of him; Maria and I had forced ourselves to leave every picture, every piece of Alex behind in Roswell, feeling that was where his memory belonged. We were so afraid to remember, so afraid that if we spoke our grievances aloud it would bring his memory back thicker, soaking our lives with the ever-present sadness that we both feared so much. As I looked at the picture, the memories came flooding back. I'd feared my memory of Alex was beginning to fade, but as I looked at the picture his presence seemed to wrap around me and I remembered everything. The essence of Alex was trapped in our minds and his picture; his smiling face in a faded, dusty picture- his ever-present memory burned in my mind. I realized as I looked at the picture that I would never forget the person Alex was, but that I needed to start healing my wounds and mending my sadness. Alex was gone, and although I would always hold a piece of him in my heart, I needed to start healing.
I heard a faint noise on the patio, drawing me out of my trance. I quickly set down the picture and looked toward the window. I saw a figure emerging from the darkness, and felt my breath catch as I watched Max duck his head into the window.
"Hey, Liz. Can I come in?" He asked, looking at me shyly as he stood there. It was amazing how something that used to seem so natural to him, now seemed different. Time had changed us, and he was working so desperately trying to get it back again.
"Sure Max, come on in." I watched as he climbed in. He stood, looking around the room slowly, looking so awkward in this space.
I moved toward the bed, sitting down and patting the space next to me inviting him over. He sat slowly and looked over at me, smiling nervously.
"It's just so weird to have you back here, you know?" He looked down at his hands. "I don't mean to act strange around you; we'd all just gotten so used to you being gone. Adapting to your presence again is a little tough, but we're getting through it."
"Well, it's good to be back Max." I said giving him a reassuring smile. An uncomfortable silence fell over the room and I could hear my heart beating wildly in my chest- somehow Max still held the power to drive me crazy. Our conversation was now so halted; each one of us trying to get used to acting like we had in the past. Groping through the darkness, feeling our way slowly and hoping that the other didn't notice our stumbling words and searching hearts.
Max's eyes darted back to the bed behind us, and I saw a flicker of recognition cloud his dark eyes. Before he spoke I knew exactly what he was thinking.
"I just keep thinking about…" his voice trailed off. He caught my eye and I nodded, showing him that I knew what he was thinking about when he looked back: the very spot on the bed where he'd found Kyle and I that night that seemed so long ago. "It all seems so stupid now, I mean with everything we've been through. I just remember how upset I was when I came here and saw… you two. Thinking about these years without you, I realize how insignificant it all was. If only I'd known what it would feel like to really lose you, lose you like I did two years ago. Then you and Kyle would have never seemed that bad." He shook his head, gluing his eyes down on his hands, afraid to look into my eyes.
I closed my eyes, remembering so vividly the words Future Max had said to me when he came. I remembered the pain, I remembered the tears, I remembered trying to imagine what life would be like without Max there to love me. When Maria and I fled Roswell, we'd lost everything. We'd chosen to leave, to live life without Roswell, Michael, Max, and our pasts by our sides. It had seemed so impossible back then, but we'd grown to live a life of loneliness. A life without love- the love of our family, friends, and the ones who'd made our hearts sing for so many years.
"Max, there something I need to tell you... about Kyle and I," I said softly, looking away.
"You and Kyle didn't have sex," he answered slowly. I looked at him, surprised he had guessed it so quickly, but yet understanding at the same time. He nodded, "I'd always guessed that, but you'd never admit to it. I just couldn't understand why you would ever do something that drastic."
He paused and I closed my eyes, dreading his next question. If Max asked me why I'd done it, why on earth I would want to pretend to sleep with Kyle to jeopardize our relationship, I wouldn't have an answer for him. I didn't know what I could say that could possibly make any sense to him, not after I'd so carelessly left for two years- abruptly changing the course of our lives and ending his dreams.
"Liz, I don't know why you did it." He said slowly, looking back into my eyes," and I'm honestly not going to ask. You have your reasons, and all that matters now is that you're finally back. Having you back here in Roswell, Liz, it makes all the difference. I feel like I haven't lived- it's like the day you left is the day time stopped for us. We talked, walked, breathed, and pretended, but we never lived. I feel like having you and Maria back, we're finally beginning to heal again. We're finally beginning to live."
Max looked into my eyes and I felt my heart flutter. All the months away and all the lonely nights, and I could never erase the way Max's eyes searched mine.
I stood up and walked over to my dresser, turning on my CD player and looking toward Max. "Will you dance with me?" I asked quietly as the chords began on the song I knew would play. In the months preceding our flee I'd listened to the same song on repeat; the song that always reminded me of Max.
Max smiled as he stood and carefully wrapped his arms around me, his eyes never leaving mine as the words began to play melodically, encasing the room in the warmth of our passion and the words I'd grown to love.
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
I heard Max sigh as he wrapped his arms closer around me, our hearts beating perfectly in tune with the beat of the music. There had been so much loneliness, deceit, and lies in our past, but I could feel our hearts slowly beginning to unwind as the music wrapped around us. We were beginning to move on from our pasts and forgive each other for the wrongs committed against us. Although a piece of us would always remember the months apart and the lies surrounding Alex's death, we were finally beginning to accept our new reality. I knew that now we could finally begin to see each other again.
Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe
Max looked into my eyes as the song began to fade and in the silence, I heard his heart beating faster. He lifted his hand and ran it slowly over my cheek, brushing away the tears I didn't even know where there. My gaze never leaving his, he leaned down, tipping my chin toward his, and caught my lips in a kiss. Our lives had migrated in such opposite directions for years, but we still knew how to mend our hearts. As we stood in the silence of the night kissing, I felt our souls beginning to tie together again, as the distance between us slowly began to disappear.
The song: "I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow
