April 11, 1912
Later that night
Dear Diary,
I feel so utterly stupid. But where to begin? I suppose I should start from when I was in my state-room. No, it started earlier. Before dinner, actually. I was dressing with mother, and she was helping me pick out a dress. This one was red and required my dreadful corset to be laced very tight. Then, Mother said, "You speak out of place one more time, and I will take Utopia from you can toss it into the sea!" I just looked at her, shocked, and realized that it was no bluff. She would. So I agreed to keep my silence. Which I actually did do. I said hardly a word to anyone. Just the normal, "Nice to see you as well. And how is your wife?" That sort of thing; just small talk. And once the meal started, I said not one word.
I can see my whole life, flashing ahead of me as if I have already lived it. I see and endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts, and polo matches. Always the same narrow people; the same mindless chatter. I feel as if I am standing at a great precipice with no one to pull me back. No one who cares, or even notices. It's a horrible, lonely, desperate feeling. I picked up one of those little crab forks and touched it to the skin on my arm with a building pressure until I drew blood.
Allowing those around me to think I was not feeling well, I excused myself from the table and left the dining saloon. It's hard to determine what was going through my head as I walked down the corridor. I was so angry. Moments ago, Mother and the Countess Rothes were talking and for some reason, their conversation annoyed the hell out of me.
They were talking about Molly Brown and Mother said she was dismayed (can you believe it; her favorite word again!) with her vulgar manners and then said she had fowl tastes in hats. I hear this all the time from Mother, but I couldn't take it any more! I was walking down the hallway to my cabin and was perfectly composed, but I was boiling inside. A steward walked by and said, "Good evening," and I smiled and nodded at him.
Then, I turned the corner, entered my state-room, and just exploded. I tore at my dress, my hair, till it came undone. I yanked at the peals around my neck and heard them scatter on to the floor. Outraged, I seized a small had mirror and flung it against the wall, cracking it! I had never thrown such a tantrum! Moments later, with Mother's and Cal's nagging voices ringing in my head, I rushed out the door, ran through the corridor and emerged onto the boat deck. It was very dark and cold and late, and almost no one was about. Crying for I don't know what reason, I ran and ran, bumping into a few people every now and then but not caring. I just kept running and running, and then there was no more ship! Next thing I knew, I was on the other side of the rail, hanging off the back of the stern, staring at the water!
Then I heard him. "Don't do it," he said.
I turned around sharply. "Don't come any closer! I mean it!" I said, "I'll let go!"
The young man took a drag from his hand rolled cigarette and removed it from his mouth. He indicated that he wanted to toss it overboard and he came closer as he did so. "No you won't," he said quite seriously.
I was quite annoyed! I said something like, "What do you mean 'no I won't'! Don't presume to tell me what I will or will not do! You don't know me!"
"Well, you would have done it already," he said in a matter-of-fact sort of way that caught me off guard.
"Go away!" he was so annoying! "You're distracting me!"
Then he started removing his boots and coat. "I can't. I'm involved now. You jump in there I'm gonna have to jump in there after ya."
"Don't be absurd!" I said, wanting him to go and stay at the same time. "You'll be killed!"
"I'm a good swimmer," he told me, and removed another boot.
"The fall alone would kill you!"
"It would hurt, I'm not saying it wouldn't" he said, sounding unafraid. "To tell you the truth I'm a lot more concerned about that water being so cold."
No I was starting to have second thoughts. "How cold?"
"Freezing." He said, "Maybe a couple of degrees over. Ever been to Wisconsin?"
"What?" I said, perplexed at his randomness.
Then he went on telling me about how he grew up there near some place called…what was it…Chippewa Falls or something. He said he went ice fishing with his father when he was a boy. He said, "Ice fishing is. you know where you—"
"I know what ice fishing is!"
"Sorry…you just seem like kina an…indoor girl…Anyway, I fell through some thin ice once, and I'm telling you, water that cold—like right down there—it hits you like a thousand knives stabbing you all over your body. You can't breathe, you can't think—at least not about anything but the pain." He removed another layer of clothes. "Which is why I'm not looking forward to jumping in there after you. But it's like I said. I don't have a choice." I was shivering and my heart was pounding. He came closer and I could actually feel his breath upon my neck. He extended his arm. "Come on, give me your hand. You don't want to do this."
Suddenly, I was much calmer. I turned toward him slowly and placed my hand in his. "Phew!" he said, smiling. "I'm Jack Dawson."
"Rose Dewitt Bukater."
"I'm gonna have to get you to write that one down for me," he said. I laughed and looked at him closely, realizing that he wasn't much older than I. And he was…I dare write it…quite handsome. He started to pull me over, but my shoe got caught in my gown and I slipped off the rail and almost into the water! Petrified, I let out a primal scream. He reached his other hand down and tried to pull me up, while my feet were just dangling helplessly, a hundred feet or more above the water! I screamed so loud! I was so afraid! But Jack said, "Listen to me, I've got you, I won't let go! Now pull yourself up! Come on!" And together, well pulled me up. As Jack dragged me over the rail, I fell upon him. Less than 5 seconds later, half a dozen officers and crewmen appeared and saw the 2 of us entangled, his shoes and coats spread out upon the ground, and part of my dress was ripped. I was shivering with fear and crying a little.
"You stand back!" one of the men said to Jack. "And don't move an inch!" He realized what the scene looked like and let out a sigh, stood up, and put his arms over his head. A few minutes later, Cal, his companions, and the master at arms were on deck with this Jack character, who appears to have been traveling in 3rd class. Cal put a blanket around my cold shoulders and tried to warm me. Then he turned to Jack as they were placing the handcuffs on him started harassing him about putting his hands on me. Moments earlier I had been planning on letting him get in trouble so I wouldn't have to admit that I was about to kill myself! But I knew I just couldn't do it.
"Stop it!" I finally cried. "Cal, it was an accident!" He looked at me completely bewildered and asked me to repeat myself. "It was!" I insisted. Rather stupid, really." I told him that I was leaning over and I slipped. That I was leaning far far over to see the…oh damn I forgot the word again! Pro…pellers! Yes, the propellers, and that I slipped and would have gone overboard had Jack—Mr. Dawson I suppose I should call him—not saved me. Mr. Dawson played along and the idiots bought it. Cal tried to seem like the good guy buy giving Mr. Dawson a 20 reward for saving me, but I said to him, "Is that the going rate for saving the woman you love?" So he invited Mr. Dawson to dinner.
When I got back to my room, I sat in front of my mirror, looking at myself, contemplating my stupidity. I opened my grandmother's music box with the dancing ballerina and brushed my hair. Then Cal opened the door and let himself in.
"I know you've been melancholy," he said, coming near me. "I don't pretend to know why." Then he produced a box. "I was going to save this until the engagement gala next week. But I thought tonight." He opened it and I came face to face with an enormous beautiful heart shaped jewel on a chain.
"Good gracious," I gasped. "Is it a—"
"Diamond," he said. "Yes." And he clasped the enormous, dense, heavy object around my neck. He told me the story of how it used to be King Louis XVI. It was obviously very expensive, and meant not just to impress me, but Cal's friends. "You know, there's nothing I couldn't give you," he said. "There's nothing I'd deny you. If you would not deny me. Open your heart to me Rose." Should I have felt touched at receiving such a lovely gift? No, I felt trapped. Now there was no way to get out of this wedding.
But still, I feel so utterly stupid. I didn't want to kill myself! It just all happened so fast! I feel like a fool. But do you know what I just realized? Mr. Dawson is that same boy who was staring at me yesterday. The way he looked at me…it made me feel beautiful. I can't help but want to see Mr. Dawson again. I think I will tomorrow. To thank him for saving me as well as for his good judgment in not telling anyone the truth. Now, I am thoroughly exhausted and shall go to bed. I may not even wake myself early tomorrow.
Your friend,
Rose
P.S. I just realized that Bruce's last name, Ismay, rhymes with dismay. I do believe mother would like him.
