April 14, 1912

Early Afternoon

Dear Diary,

I am shaking with a combination of anger and fear. I hate Mother. I hate Cal. I hate my life. I don't know where to begin. I'll start with after I finished writing in my diary earlier this morning. I slipped it in my drawstring purse and headed back to my cabin to change for breakfast. I was glad that I had avoided Mother and Cal in doing so. After I was in yet another expensive dress, I went up to Cal's private promenade deck where Trudy and Maud were laying out breakfast. When Cal arrived we sat down together, but didn't say much. He asked me if I felt well, I said yes. I asked him if he had heard the news about us maybe docking a day early. He said he had. Trudy offered him more coffee, and he shook his head and excused her. When we were all alone, he leaned in and said in a low voice, "I hoped you would come to me last night."

"I was tired," I said, for obvious reasons.

"Your excursions below deck were no doubt exhausting."

Suddenly, I was furious! "I see you had that undertaker of a manservant follow me, how typical," I snapped, thinking he had no right to invade my privacy.

"You are not to behave like that again, Rose," he said sternly.

What? An order? I took a deep breath. "I'm not a foreman in one of your mills that you can command," I said, gaining courage. "I'm you fiancé!"

"My fiancé," he repeated quietly. Then he looked up at me and screamed, "My fiancé! YES YOU ARE! AND MY WIFE!" He emphasized his point by standing up and overturning the breakfast table! The breakfast and china crashed to the floor and I let out a scream. Terrified, I cowered in my chair. "My wife in practice if not yet by law, so you will honor me!" He was now within an inch of me and could have spit or slapped if he wished. "You will honor me the way a wife is required to honor a husband." Then he leaned body close to mine. His breath was foul and I was scared stiff. "Is this in any way unclear?"

Trembling in my seat, I shook my head. "No," I whispered.

"Good," he said, composed. Then he turned and walked over some of the broken china toward the door. "Good morning," he said as if nothing had happened to Trudy who was just entering.

After he left she ran to my side and started to clean up. I tried to help her, but she kept saying, "It's fine, I've got it Miss Rose." I continued to pick up what was once a vase but then collapsed and started to cry in fear. I couldn't breath right in my corset and I gasped for air. She touched my shoulder and I hugged her. After a few minutes of crying, she helped me to my feet and led me back to my cabin. I was poised, now. I was, however, so mad at Cal. How could he do that? I think he would have killed me had I talked back to him. How can I marry him? I was feeling hurt and confused when I looked at the clock and realized it was time I dress for church. Actually, it was the Devine Service, intended for people of all religions to come worship. And as Trudy was helping me get laced up into my corset, Mother burst in and ordered Trudy to bring us some tea.

She took the maids place and helped me get laced up. "You're not to see that boy again," she said, referring to Mr. Dawson. I remained silent, pretending I hadn't heard. "Rose!" she said, "I forbid it."

"Oh, stop it Mother," I said, "you'll give yourself a nosebleed."

Angrily, she turned me around to face her. "This is not a game," she said, her voice soft, as if she were trying to hide something. 'Our situation is precarious. You know the money's gone."

"Of course I know," I said. "You remind me every day."

"Your father left us nothing but a legacy of bad debts hidden by a good name. That name is the only card we have to play," she said, as if I were a child who knew nothing of the world. "I don't understand you! It is a fine match with Hockley. It will insure our survival."

Did she know what she was asking of me? "How can you put this on my shoulders?" I asked, feeling hurt and lost.

"Why are you being so selfish?" she cried.

"I'm being selfish?" I said. Did she have any idea what she was saying? I was about to throw my whole life away so that she could have more money.

Now she searched my eyes with hers, clearly looking for sympathy. "Do you want to see me working as a seamstress?" she said, "Is that what you want? To see our fine things sold at auction? Our memories scattered to the winds?" she covered her mouth to keep from crying.

I leaned back against the bed post and sighed, knowing I had no choice but to obey. "It's so unfair," I said.

"Of course it's unfair." Mother told me, "We're women. Our choices are never easy." Then she held my face in her hands and I wasn't sure if she was going to kiss me or spit on me. She kissed my forehead and turned me around and laced up my corset even tighter.

Oh, I am so angry, and hurt, and confused. I don't know what to do. I want to see Jack again. But I can't. It would hurt too much. I just wish he could know how much I like him. I have to go to the Devine Service now, but I will continue later tonight.

Your friend,

Rose