CHAPTER 8: YOUR TEARS ARE ALL THE PAY I EVER NEED


Tara felt useless. The whole day, not to mention all the days before, she had felt like she was a ghost in the group. She was Willows little Casper – a friendly ghost that everyone was aware of and no one disliked, but also that no one knew very well. The Scooby-group was already working effectively. Mr Giles had a huge knowledge in demonology and was the most effective bookworm among them.

Willow had developed unbelievably well as a witch for the last few months. Her knowledge now extended Tara's in many ways, not to mention her willingness to use magic. Buffy was the muscle in the group and Xander stepped in where he was needed and did his best. Tara felt superfluous and didn't think she had much to bring to the group. Now she actually had an idea that no one had thought of before, and she was determined to go ahead and show it to them.

Willow turned to her. They sat alone together behind a few book shelves – Giles, Wesley, Cordelia, Xander and Anya were in the centre of the shop, taking turns on resting, standing guard until Riley came, and flipping through books.

"Tara?"

"I thought of a book. Um, one that we have at home. The-the Ethrusian compendium. It has a lot of spells about mending and putting things back together. It might be useful."

"Is there a spell about how to put to one ensouled and one soulless vampire back together without problem?" she asked. Tara smiled shyly.

"Well… I, um, I guess I don't know for sure, but I think it's worth a shot. I thought I should go get it. I won't be long." Willow nodded.

"I'll come with you."

"No! No. It's not safe for you out there. I mean, if you were the one that gave Angel his soul back…" She shook her head. "I'm not letting you risk that. Besides, I'll be safer alone. He doesn't know me. Does he even know who I am?" A shadow of guilt passed over Willow's face at the way she said that.

"Well, no… I guess he doesn't." Tara smiled.

"Don't look like that, it's okay. Good even, in this case. I'll take the bus, I shouldn't be long."

"But we could ask Giles, he could drive you…"

"He looks busy. I'm okay, really. I'll be right back."

Willow nodded.

"Okay. Be careful."

"Always." She hugged Willow quickly, took her coat and left.

"You're going out?" Cordelia, the one currently sitting on guard, said. She had a big cross in one had and a crossbow next to her, resting against the door frame.

"Um, yeah. I'm just going to get a book at home." Cordelia nodded simply.

"Sure. Watch out for Mr. Killing Spree out there." Tara nodded and slipped out the door. The others hadn't even noticed her going.

Tara hurried along the street. How often did the bus go this time of day, anyway? She hadn't thought about that. Well, Willow had said that Angelus was likely to strike at Buffy's friends first – and she didn't exactly qualify in that category. Not yet, anyway. They had been introduced, obviously, and she thought Buffy was very nice, but they didn't know much about each other. Tara knew Buffy was the slayer and one of Willow's best friend; plus the recent stuff she had been told about her and Angel of course. Buffy knew that Tara was a witch and Willow's girlfriend, which was about it.

Tara's head snapped to the left. Was there someone over there? She was sure she heard a sound. Not that it was unexpected – Sunnydale was always filled with scary things, both human and demonic. Not to mention the run of the mill fox or racoon that would search through garbage, just like in any other town… Still, she had a bad feeling and figured she might as well take the other way to the bus station. Still staring hard into the dark alley across the street to her left, she turned right, not even noticing the tall, black clad man standing there. She bit back a shriek and looked up. Angel. Or was it…?

"Tara," he said, smiling charmingly. Tara couldn't help but to smile back. So he knew her name after all.

"Uh, hi Angel." She almost unconsciously looked down. Willow had told her to look for evil grins and leather pants to distinguish Angel from Angelus. That sounded a little peculiar, but it seemed right. The tall man before her wore black jeans and returned to a stern face as soon as had stopped smiling.

"Where are you going? He asked. "You shouldn't be out alone."

"I-I'm going over to my place. Willow's and my place. To get a book."

"Oh, you think you've found something useful?" Tara nodded.

"I, um, I hope so. I think so. I guess I should be going, I promised Willow… them, that I'd be back soon."

"Well, it's a long way to the college." Did he know that they lived there? Maybe it was a fairly educated guess; after all Buffy and Willow had lived there last year and he knew that, but still… No. It was just her being silly. Why wouldn't he assume that she and Willow lived on the campus?

"I guess you're not going to walk, and the bus isn't really safe. Not with Angelus out." Tara nodded quickly. It would be nice not having to go by herself. And besides she felt safe with Angel. Maybe it was because he had been an outsider in the Scooby group as well when he lived in Sunnydale. He was just starting to become a useful member when he lost his soul. After that there was just too much tension, mainly caused by Xander and Giles, according to Willow.

"O-okay. You know the way to the campus?"

"Yeah. I've been there a few times. Come on."

Angel didn't say much during the short ride to the campus of UC Sunnydale. He asked how the research was going and she'd told him that it was nowhere so far, but that she was almost sure that she would find a useful spell in the book she was getting. She added that the spell might be a little dark for her to perform, but that Willow definitely would be able to handle it. He had glanced at her and asked if Willow had come far with her knowledge in witchcraft. Tara ensured him that she had. After that they had been quiet for a while, before Tara decided to take the opportunity to tell him something that she had thought about since the first time Willow told her about his and Buffy's tragic love.

"Angel, I, I've… There's a thing that I've looked up."

"A thing?"

"A, um, a spell. Willow told me – about your curse. I guess I don't know if you're interested, but I'm pretty sure that I would be able to get a spell that will bind the gypsy magic. So that the curse keeps up, you know, no matter what."

"Really."

He didn't sound happy. Had she stepped out of line? Maybe he didn't want her interfering – they didn't know each other after all. Besides, maybe he didn't even want to get his soul permanent – as far as she knew the curse had only been endangered with Buffy, and they weren't together anymore. She felt her face flush.

"I mean, I guess that, um Buffy has Riley now, but…" Angel turned his head and looked at her as he parked his car outside her frat house.

"Sorry Tara, I guess I'm just a little distracted – with Angelus running around and all." She nodded eagerly.

"I understand."

"But of course I would be interested." He considered his words. "I mean, as long as the spell I safe for you…"

"Oh yeah, that's not a problem." They started walking into the frat house. "It's not a very hard spell, it's just, um, unusual. It's Romany magic too, and there aren't a lot of those books left." He nodded.

"Hmm. Do you have it here?"

"Yeah." She unlocked her door and went inside. Angelus walked all the way up to the door and felt the barrier.

"Do you want me to help you look?" he asked in an attempt you get an invitation.

"Oh, it shouldn't be very hard to find." He sighed silently. Either she just hadn't noticed that he couldn't come in without her invitation, or maybe Willow had told her to be careful.

Two minutes later Tara looked up from the piles of books, her face bright red.

"I-I guess this is taking longer than I thought. Why don't you come in and wait."

Yeah, why don't I do that, he thought, smothering a smirk in triumph and closing the door behind him. Just like he thought, Tara was too inexperienced in dealing with vampires; she didn't realize that inviting "Angel", even if he had been the Soul, would also mean inviting Angelus. Well, he wasn't going to warn her. He stood silently until she had found both books.

"Here they are. Guess we should head back?" Tara gestured towards the door and walked past Angelus.

"What did Willow tell you about me?" he asked. She stopped and turned.

"About you? Um… She never told me much about you… I mean specifically. Just a little about the curse, and Buffy, and, uh, Angelus."

"Angelus. Yeah. So what did she tell you about – him?" Tara inched uncomfortably towards the door. He loved this moment – just when the feeling of uncertainty, the presentiment that she might be threatened crept through her body, but before she really knew.

"S-s-she said…" Angelus took a step closed to her, piercing her with his hard gaze. The truth slowly dawned on Tara.

"She what?" Angelus asked, smiling as he felt the scent of fear and surprise.

Her mind raced. All her instincts told her one thing – run. Run for your life, you don't have anything to fight him with. She may have her magic, but it wasn't strong enough to save her from Angelus. "S-she said that… if I'd ever see him, I should..."

Not even finishing her sentence Tara made a desperate attempt to flee. She threw herself at the door and made it all the way there, extending her shaking hand to turn the knob, when he stepped in front of her.

"So she told you to run, did she?" he laughed. "Now, why would she do that, hm? She knows I love a bit of a chase. "Oh, Tara… tsk, tsk, tsk." He shook his head. "Do you really think you will get away from me? I've been doing this for hundreds of years – and you're a sluttish little witch who thinks you can beat me? Hmm?"

"N-n-no, I'm-m-m…." Tara's hardly ever stammered badly anymore, only when she as nervous or under great pressure.

"N-n-o what?" Angelus mocked. He grabbed her shoulders and shoved her roughly backwards. She stumbled and fell onto the bed. "You know," he said, "I was actually going to let you live, for the time being. Just cut you apart a little, as a token of my affection for your little bitch."

He bent over her and stroke her face softly, just to scare her. Her body tensed and trembled, not knowing when the mild touch would turn into something violent and possibly lethal. "Maybe even show you what it is you've been missing out on by forsaking men," he menaced. She whimpered.

"Of course, since you went to all this trouble to find a spell for them to use, I can't let you go. See, I don't really want them to reassemble me just yet. Not until I'm sure that they can't shove the soul back where they want it. Look at it from the bright side. I'm doing you a favour here. The only one in this world that really cares for you is Willow, and she will be dead soon too. No one else wants you, isn't that right? The others don't understand you. You could never fill up the space that Oz made when he up and left, like any sane person would. And your family, they don't want you either, do they?"

How did he know? Tara shuddered at the thought of her family – they were a big reason to why she left to attend UC Sunnydale in the first place… Willow had told her that a big part of the danger with Angelus was his feel for mental torture. It seemed like she hadn't exaggerated at all. The story about Willow's fish suddenly came to mind. A small act in the bigger picture, maybe, but still, it told of how much trouble Angelus was prepared to go to just to scare and torment his victims. Angelus smiled when he could tell by Tara's expression that he had hit the mark with his educated guess.

"It shows," Angelus continued. "There is a certain look to a person with a family that hated them… or was disappointed in them. Or simply thought they were an unnecessary shit that should never have been more than a stain on the sheets." He laughed cruelly.

"P-please…" Tara begged. He laughed at her. She tried to find something to hit him with, but there weren't many useful things that she could reach with her powers from the position she was in. He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her into standing position.

"Gee, let me think. Uh – no." He grabbed her shirt and pulled it down enough to bare her neck.

"Don't worry, your girlfriend won't be long," he whispered in a low, dangerous voice. Maybe it was the survival instinct that gave Tara powers she didn't knew she had, or maybe it was just pure luck. The screws in a shelf right behind Angelus came away under her eyes, and just as he prepared to bite down, it flung from the wall and hit him with almost comical accuracy in the back of the head. He staggered for a second and she tried to get away, but without luck. He had a hold of her right wrist that was hard enough to crush the bone if she struggled too much. Angelus snarled, eyeing the blonde witch.

She had some nice tricks to her, this one. He was sure would make an interesting vampire, the shy ones always did. Still, he didn't have time for a fledgling now. And Tara was a minor part of the group, not close to interesting enough to spend time on. Well, now he'd even lost his interest in eating her. The more self-controlled Angelus might have found the struggle daring and interesting, but this one was angry and hungry for a kill.

"End of the line for you, witch," Angelus hissed and flung her at the wall, avoiding another cocky little demonstration of her powers. She whimpered as she hit the wall with a thud, a hard blow to her head making her dizzy and disoriented. She knew that there was nothing she could do this time, she was barely able to hold herself upright – fighting Angelus with magic was out of the question.

The last thing she was aware of was Angelus grabbing her head, a loud crack, and then nothing more seemed real. She was dully aware that she fell to the floor, her body limp and useless, before her head hit the carpet and Tara knew no more.


The bell jingled as Buffy entered the Magic Box. She hadn't been able to sleep at all and after just an hour or so she decided to join the gang instead. They were probably scared now that they knew for sure that Angelus was going to target her friends this time as well. She didn't blame them. Deep down, there was nothing she'd rather do than take Angel, her friends and family with her and hide somewhere, not to come out until Angelus was gone. Let him play with the world as long as he wanted to, just as long as he didn't get to the people close to her… Of course it was a reckless thought and something that she wouldn't do even if she could, but it would be nice.

At least she wasn't completely alone this time; she would have Angel at her side. It was a comforting thought. Dealing with Angelus didn't seem quite so frightening when the souled version was there to help her deal.

The whole situation was confusing her deeply. It wasn't exactly everyday both alter egos of your ex in two separate bodies showed up on your doorstep. One wanting to kill you and one… well, what Angel wanted, she couldn't really say, could she? Not kill her though, she was pretty sure.

It didn't make her less confused that she still found herself having fuzzy feelings for him. Even though they had made it perfectly clear that they were over and should move on with their lives… even though all the harsh things that had been said during the encounters they'd had during the year they were apart, she couldn't help herself.

She wondered what he would think if, some day, when all this was over, she would tell him that she still had feelings for him. Did he? Well, okay, that was pretty much a 'duh'-question. She knew that he did, he had never tried to hide that.

She shook herself. She couldn't be rushing into things like this. The evil version of Angel had just murdered her boyfriend, what was she thinking? Unbelievable, the first thing she did was dream of reviving her relationship with Angel. As far as she knew, he didn't want that. Why would he? He had left for a reason, and his evil alter ego killing Riley didn't exactly qualify as proof of the suitability of the two of them being together.

Tonight, or well, what was left of the night – it would be dawn in a few hours, she could come and go as she wanted, but tomorrow when her mother got back, she would have to make sure that her house was guarded. Since a de-invitation spell would affect both Angel and Angelus, it wasn't an option this time. However, she had told them what was going on, well, the short version of it anyway, and told them to be very careful if Angel showed up, preferably not let him in at all if she wasn't around. It would probably not be so hard for her mother to see the distinction, but then again, Angelus could put on a very convincing Angel act if he wanted to.

Giles shot up from his chair as soon as she stepped inside.

"Buffy! Thank god you're all right, we were worried when Riley didn't show up."

Buffy frowned slightly.

"Didn't Angel tell you…?" Immediately worry stirred up in her stomach. It shouldn't have taken him so long to get from her house to the shop, where was he? Angel wasn't the type that would go ahead and do something else instead. He would want to update everyone and make sure that they were safe.

"Angel? We thought for sure he was with you." Wesley was the one who answered.

"Yeah, he was, but… Okay, so you don't know." She swallowed. There was no easy way to tell them that the monster they hated and feared once again had killed one of their friends. "He killed him." Incomprehension and confusion were all over their faces. She wanted to scream out loud. Hello, wake up, this is happening! He's not just some evil ghost of years passed, he's here, he's real, and he wants to kill us all.

"He killed Riley," she said quietly. The confusion turned to shock, fear, disgust, hatred. She could see it all. Giles face was a shade of ash gray. Xander shook his head, his expression saying it all. Wesley closed his eyes for a second, as if wanting to shut out the reality in which his boss and friend – at least a part of him – had murdered someone close to Buffy. He wasn't alone about that.

"Oh dear." Giles furrowed his brow and Cordelia shook her head in a 'here we go again' gesture. Xander looked shocked and disgusted. Willow got up and pulled Buffy into a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered in her ear. Buffy nodded silently in response. She was always such a caring friend.

"Are you alright?" she asked. "Is that a dumb question? Of course it is, Buffy, I'm really sorry."

"It's okay, Will. You haven't done anything wrong. I should have made sure he was safe. He doesn't know Angel well enough to tell…" She faltered. "I just mean I should have told him more. Made him come here and be with is from the beginning. I took it too lightly… and now he's dead."

"You mustn't blame yourself, Buffy. You didn't kill him, that was Angelus," Giles reminded her. Buffy shrugged, not agreeing with him. She was the slayer. She was the one that was supposed to protect the world from demons, even if they wore the face of her ex-boyfriend. She had taken this too lightly, and it had gotten several people killed already, and Riley was one of them.

"Angel followed me home and said he'd come over here and tell you before patrolling. He didn't show?" Willow shook her head.

"We haven't seen either of the Angel's. Angel or Angelus, I mean."

Buffy immediately started pacing, worry clawing at her.

"Then where is he? I have to get out there and find him. Maybe Angelus did something to him." A horrible thought struck her. "Or maybe, oh god, what if he killed himself to stop Angelus?"

No one got a chance to speculate over where Angel might be, because in that instant, he stepped in the front door.

"Hey guys." He hugged Buffy quickly. "No Angelus-action?"

Buffy returned the hug, somewhat surprised by such an open show of emotion from him, especially now, and then pried away from him. She supposed he may just want to show her his support, after the Riley thing.

"Where have you been? You said you'd go straight over here, since when does that drive take almost two hours? It shouldn't take more than a few minutes." Angel avoided looking at Buffy.

"I met Angelus. We fought; apparently he really wants to hurt me even if he can't kill me. I tried to track him, but I lost him at the Restfield cemetery and then I came over here." Angel looked at them with concern. "You're okay, right?"

"Sure…" Buffy sighed. "I just… I guess we're all a little jumpy, what with fifty percent evil version running around and all."

"Yeah. Figures." Buffy looked at him, somewhat suspicious. Angel usually didn't answer so casually on the subject of Angelus, especially not in the company of her friends. He was still ashamed of what he did to them two years ago – now, however, he didn't seem very guilt stricken at all. His features softened and he looked at her, caressing her cheek softly with his right hand. No, it wasn't the evil version. He was probably very tense himself. Plus, the whole split from Angelus deal had made him unbalanced, which wasn't strange. It wasn't very surprising that he wasn't totally his usual calm self.

"You know," Angel stopped caressing Buffy, "I should get back out there. There are still a few hours till dawn, I want to keep carnage down to a minimum, if you know what I mean. I'm thinking about going to the mansion and check it out. I don't think he's still there, and if he isn't, I have a place to rest for a few hours, in-between research and tracking him down."

"You want to stay there?" Buffy asked, surprising herself with how disappointed she felt. She had hoped that maybe, he'd like to stay at her place… To protect her from his bad self, and maybe talk a little… She scolded herself for the thought. Just here because of the evil alter ego, she reminded herself. Will be going back to his life when this is all over. Having nothing to say to her other than "sorry about the evil, now let's get on with the forgetting thing".

"I have stayed there before, remember," he reminded her, quirking a small smile. She nodded quickly, eager to break off the train of thoughts.

"Sure. Do you want me to come and be with you?" Everyone stared at Buffy. It took a few moments before she realized how that sounded.

"I mean, on patrol! Come and be with… accompany you, on patrol, is what I meant." Angel smiled.

"It's alright. I'll go by myself. You rest." Without another word he disappeared into the night, Buffy gazing after him.

"And what was that about?" Cordelia commented.

"I'm seconding that," Xander spoke up in a slightly raspy voice.

"What?"

"Touching! Hugging and patting and – googly eyes." She turned to Wesley. "Did you see the googly eyes? I saw the googly eyes. There were definite googly eyes." Buffy looked her, frowning.

"Is that – any of your business?" She slapped herself mentally. That hadn't been what she meant to say. What she had meant to say was that she had no idea what Cordelia was talking about.

"It's very much of my business! As soon as we've cleared up this thing, we're dragging the boss with us back to LA, you can be sure of it. We don't want him more brooding than usual. 'Buffy brood equals a table without food' as I say." Buffy frowned. Had he been brooding about her much before? Apparently. When all this was cleared up, she wanted to talk with Angel. Really talk, something he wasn't very good at. She looked at the door where Angel had left a minute ago.

"Did he… behave a little weird to you?" she asked the gang, not addressing anyone in particular.

"Jeez Buffy. Wouldn't you be a little weird if you had your evil alter ego threatening your friends and killing your ex-lovers lover? Forget I said that – you always behave a little weird. Anyway, evil Angel never would have worn those pants." Cordelia answered confidently.

"I guess," Buffy answered uncertainly. She wasn't completely able to shake off the little warning sign blinking in her head. Call it her overly active slayer sense, but something was off.

"Look guys," she said. "What do you say we stay here until the sun rises, then everyone can head home safely. Rest for a few hours, sleep, you'll need your strength. We don't know what awaits us."

"Actually Buff, isn't that just it? We do know what awaits us," Xander said simply.

Buffy snapped her head up and looked at Xander, a hurt look in her eyes. It wasn't until she met his gaze that she realized that there wasn't anything smart or scoffing in his words. He was tired and hurting, just like all of them. And he was right.

"However you want to see it," she said shortly.

"At least I may have some good news," Willow supplied. "Tara said she remembered a spell that is supposed to put back together what has been disrupted or parted. She went to get her book earlier."


A/N: Yes. I killed Tara, which might very well make me a particularly brutal bastard by all accounts, but quite frankly, just as Angelus I didn't see this working with her alive. She's a very powerful witch – Willow's a very powerful witch, together they would be too dangerous to have around. And oh yeah, surely there will be B/A-action down the line even though it might be a while, you know, 'cause of the bucket loads of evil…