CHAPTER 15: ONE GIRL IN ALL THE WORLD


Willow sat in the training room alone with the book about the Kalderash history and curses. Jenny, Buffy and Giles had found this book in Jenny's uncle Enyos motel room after Angelus murdered him. Wesley had already looked through it, however, Willow was pretty sure he hadn't read the part about dark magic's, which was what she was currently reading thoroughly. The book was completely in Romanian, but she had learned some over the years and she had a dictionary to her aid. She read an entry that the elder woman in 1898 had written.

"Gregor is preparing to do the spell to give the monster its conscience back. He's fuelled by grief and therefore, the spell should work, but I will not let him. This spell, powerful enough to cut through spirit and life, will allow the monster to live and love as any human – albeit, in eternity, since he is still a Vampyre. Gregor has told me that it is all right, that he is prepared to die for the vengeance, but that is not the matter here. Of course he would die for the vengeance. I would die for the vengeance as well, as would any member of our clan. But, this ritual of restoration is only to make the vile animal suffer for his deeds for all eternity. Tomorrow, I will use orb of Thesulah to punish Angelus."

Willow was fascinated. If these texts were right, there was a spell that would give Angel his soul, but without the happiness clause. That had to be it. And it could only be performed if the person that did it was grieving, which wasn't exactly a problem here. And it was powerful enough to break through "spirit and life" which should mean that it didn't matter if a sorcerer had Angel's sou, bound by his magic.

She could do it. She could save Angel.


Buffy was in a vacuum. She sat in the passenger seat next to Giles in his car, Wesley sat right behind her, and they were on their way back to the Magic Box. Wesley and Giles were talking, but all she heard was muffled voices.

She had made the decision. She had to kill him. Not in a month, not in a week. No, as soon as possible. Knowing Angelus, he probably had some evil plan brewing. If she continued to walk around, not able to come to terms with what she had to do, it could blow up in her face.

God knows what he might do to her friends – well, she thought bitterly, the ones that were left, anyway. Just the thought of doing it made her sick to her stomach. How would she be able to actually do it – not just imagine doing it, threaten him or hurt him badly, no – kill him. Plunge the stake into his chest and watch him dissolve to dust…

She had been ready to do it once, when Acathla had been activated. That time she had felt like she had lost everything, she had nothing left – except for herself. Her being was the only thing she could control, and the least she could to with it was saving the world and ridding it from Angelus. There had been no fear, no doubt in that instant, only stone cold determination.

How would she return to that state of mind? She needed to, and she feared what Angelus could possibly do that would damage her enough to descend into that state of hopelessness.

She thought of her mother. If he had her… what he might have done to her… It made her head hurt and her stomach turn just to think about it. She couldn't even protect her own family. Just some slayer. In just the matter of days, her boyfriend and one of her friends had been murdered.

She had allowed her sister to get attacked and watched over her mother so poorly that Angelus had gotten an opening. She wondered when he had taken her. At work? On the way home, at the hospital? At home, even? There was nothing wrong with Angelus' creativity, and she knew that. She should have been more careful.

She sometimes wondered what would have happened if she hadn't been home that time when Angelus was scaring her mother and telling her about his and Buffy's night together… He was trying to get into the house. He would have. What had come next?

All she knew was that he must have gone straight after Miss Calendar afterwards, taking out his frustration by hunting her and killing her like the brutal predator he was.

The fear of what might have happened to her mom quickly grew larger, clawing at her from the inside. She felt panic rising, she felt warm and cold at the same time and swallowed against the lump in her throat. What was she doing here, sitting on her ass and feeling sorry for herself? She should be out there, searching tirelessly for her mom until she found her! A strong slayer would.

A strong slayer would leap out of the car, track Angelus down, save her mother and put a sharp piece of wood through his chest before he had the time to understand what had happened. Then she would make a good pun out of it and move on.

A strong slayer wouldn't hide behind her ex-watcher, go back to her friends and whine about her innate responsibility and her feelings before she finally did something. She was the Chosen One. One girl picked out from thousands of thousands in her generation because she was supposed to be able to cope and make a difference. It was time to do something to prove that she wasn't just a selfish coward that put everyone around her in danger without doing a damn thing about it.

"Stop the car," she said tonelessly.

"Hmm?" Giles side glanced at her. "What?"

"Stop right here." They were outside the Restfield Cemetery. One of Angelus' favorite haunts. Perfect.

With a frown Giles did as she asked.

"Buffy, what are you doing?" he asked when she stepped out of the car and slammed the door with a determined expression.

"My job," she answered shortly. "Don't worry, go back to the others. I have something that I have to do."

Without waiting for his answer, she turned around and half jobbed towards the cemetery.

Wesley leaned in closer to Giles from his position in the backseat and spoke quietly. "Do you think she will make it?"

"She can take out Angelus if it comes to pure physical combat, certainly," Giles asserted – not quite as confident as he sounded, but hoping that he was right. He was silent for a beat as he watched Buffy when she disappeared inside the cemetery. "But I'm not sure what it will do to her," he said sadly and truthfully.


Buffy skulked silently through the cemetery. She could feel him somewhere – she wasn't sure where, she couldn't pinpoint his exact location, but he was around. Watching, waiting. Well, he would come to her. In due time, he would come to her. Unwanted, unbidden, but he would stir. He always did.

Buffy stopped and closed her eyes, deeply inhaling the fresh, chilly night air. She had done the same thing many times – just relaxing, honing her senses. If there was a demon nearby, she would feel it. Somehow, and maybe it wasn't so strange, tonight was different. She was distraught, worried and physically feeling sick when she thought about what she had to do. She had killed him once… she had gone through it all once, and now she would have to again.

Still having her eyes closed, she heard a creaking. Someone was coming. Not sure if she hoped that whoever was approaching was a demon waiting to slash her throat and drink from her brainstem or just a lonely person out for a walk, she slowly opened her eyes. She hadn't been sure what she would see, but what she actually did lay eyes upon was the last thing she had expected.

Her Mom.

"Mom?" Her voice was small. Childishly innocent, even, like she was a little girl again. Her mother. Here. Alive and well.

"Oh, hi honey." Her mother smiled.

"Mom, you're okay!" Barely able to fight the tears of relief and joy, Buffy ran up to her mother, embracing her in a hug. It took a few seconds before she realized that she didn't return it. She stood still, stiffly waiting for her to understand. Buffy's cheek touched her mother's neck briefly.

It was cold.

No…

NO.

It couldn't be. It couldn't be happening, it couldn't be true.

"No," she whispered, releasing her mother. Her mother just looked at her. Her face was soft and friendly just like it always was – but those eyes… Her eyes were nothing but pure evil. Empty, dark, soulless. "This can't be happening."

"Oh, but it is," her mother said softly.

"What did he do to you?" Buffy said, her voice breaking up, even though it was a stupid question. She knew exactly what had happened here.

"Don't worry," her mother crooned. "It's all right. I feel so much better now. I'm immortal. I'm free. And I don't have to listen to the whiny voices of the two disgusting creatures that slithered away from my loins anymore."

Buffy knew she shouldn't be, but she was hurt by the words. It was the words of a demon, yes, but the tone of voice was her mother's. The same tone that had greeted her every morning, sung her to sleep when she was little, told her stories, scolded her, lectured her. Told her that she loved her.

"God, what was I thinking during the eighties?" her mom – no, the demon wearing her face, said. "I mean, TWO? One was bad enough, but when the second one came along? I should have taken one and beaten the other one to death with it."

"Shut up," Buffy tried weakly, subtly feeling for a stake in her pocket. There was one there. But how would she be able to use it?

"But there is a way to end it," her mother continued. "You can end it. Join me and Angel, and we will bring sweet death to this sorry town. It's so easy on this side. There's no sickness, no death, no guilt, no remorse. There's only the kill." She moved closer to Buffy. If nothing else, her movement alone should be enough to convince Buffy that this was a creature of pure evil, not her mom. She was moving seductively, predatory like, practically floating through the air.

"You're hurting Buffy," she said calmly. "Let me make it better, dear. Let me kiss that owie of yours."

"Stop it," Buffy almost pleaded.

"Look at yourself, Buffy. You're running, away from your friends, from the world that doesn't understand you. You're lost, and you can't find your way home. Doing this, waging this hopeless war is going to kill you very soon. There is no sense in what you do. You will die, and someone else will take your place, and it starts all over again. You could be so much more. You're falling, Buffy. Don't you want to stop falling?"

It wasn't hard to figure out how so many people got themselves turned into vampires willingly. What her mother said almost made sense, on some level. She felt herself nod slightly. Oh yes, how she wanted to stop falling. How she wanted everything to be simple and obvious. But not like that. Not by becoming a soulless monster.

Joyce advanced at her, switching into gameface. She gently brushed Buffy's hair out of the way and prepared to bite down.

"Say goodbye to everything you knew," she whispered. When Buffy felt sharp fangs against her throat, she snapped out of her trance like state. What the hell was she doing? She was supposed to do something about this, not give up and let herself get killed. Furiously she kicked out, making the demon stagger back.

"Thanks for the offer," she said between clenched teeth. "But I think I'll hang on to the mortal coil for just a bit longer."

Her mother growled, coming at her again, not at all smoothly this time. Buffy was surprised at how well this snarling demon had been able to replicate her mother just a minute ago. And how easily fooled she had been.

Joyce kicked her and tried to smack her over the face, but Buffy was too quick and defended herself easily. Joyce came at her again. They exchanged several blows where Buffy mainly tried to shield herself, not exactly getting in many blows herself. It wasn't because her mother was a stronger fighter than her, obviously. She didn't want to fight and kill her mother. She desperately didn't want to; even though she knew that it was what she had to do. To let this creature roam, to let her go back to Angelus and watch the two of them rain destruction over Sunnydale… That would be even worse.

Buffy grabbed a hold of the stake in her pocket. Joyce swept the feet away from beneath her, sending her to the ground. When she leaned in over Buffy, she kicked her in the stomach, leaping to her feet when her mothe-the demon staggered backwards.

She lunged forward and plunged the stake into her chest, never letting her gaze off of the feral eyes that used to belong to her mother. Those eyes were the only thing that could truly convince her that this was a monster, that her mother was already long dead. She was just doing what had to be done for her mother's soul to find peace.

"Good bye," Buffy said sadly.

Joyce stared at her for a second, and then she crumpled to dust. The stake fell to the ground with a light thump, and her mothers ashes settled around it. Buffy remained where she was, standing, staring at the dust and the stake. The stake she killed her mother with.

She collapsed to her knees in her mother's ashes. Realizing what had just happened. Wanting so badly for all this just to be a bad dream. She wanted to cry. She wanted to cry and scream and mourn so badly, she wanted to curl up in the grass, hugging herself and remaining like that forever. No. She wanted to curl up in her Mom's lap, comforting herself in her warm embrace as she had so many times ever since she was a little girl. But she couldn't do that… because her mother was dead. Slain by her hand.

Buffy swallowed, shoving her hands through her hair, desperately fighting down the urge to cry, scream, puke… She wanted to sink through the ground. Literally, to leave this earth. Even though it was one of her greatest fears, being swallowed by the earth, cold, damp dirt covering her body, seemed like a release.

But she couldn't do that either. She had a sister in the hospital – her only real family now, and she had another vampire to kill.

Getting to her feet on shaking legs, she saw him. He was there, watching her, leering at her. He had doubtlessly seen the whole scene play out and enjoyed it thoroughly. Disgusting creep.

Right now, a strong slayer would pick up the stake from the ground, attack the vicious beast that killed her mother and fit him into an ashtray instantly. No doubt, no regret, no looking back. But she couldn't be strong anymore. Not now, not tonight. She didn't have the strength to do it now. She turned her back and left the cemetery.


"So when we got there and found the sorcerer murdered, she decided that it's time to finish this. To kill him," Giles spoke in a low voice.

"Thank God!" Xander exclaimed. The others looked at him, especially Cordelia and Wesley scornfully. Wesley crossed his arms over his chest. "Oh, like we're not all thinking it," Xander continued at the glares he got. "I won't say anything when Buffy's here, but right now she's not, and damn it, I'm not embarrassed to say that yes, I'm glad she's finally gotten around to killing him."

"Well…" Giles took off his glasses. "It sounds very simple, and to some extent I agree with you, but I also know what it did to her the last time. Since I have no idea how we could restore Angel's soul, I'm just hoping that Buffy will get through this, but I think it's wise to be discrete with the joyful exclamations a bit longer." Anya looked at him.

"But last time she killed Angel, right? Not Angelus? Then this will not be as hard for her."

"Well, I…I suppose…" He was really not very sure that it worked like that.

"She killed him once?" Gunn asked. This he hadn't heard anything about. "Then how come he ain't dead?"

"It was this whole thing with a portal to hell and blood and the apocalypse, but she got through it alright," Cordelia dismissed quickly, leaving Gunn none the more informed. Giles didn't say anything, but he didn't agree. Buffy hadn't gotten through it alright, she had been a wreck for months. How would it affect her this time?

"Anyway," Cordelia continued, "I love Angel and everything, but right now I'm just so glad that we're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel." Wesley gave her a silent look.

"If there is no way to bring Angel back," Cordelia said, "then we're only doing what he would have wanted, right? Angel is my friend, my best friend even, but Angelus is the enemy."

"Yes," Wesley agreed. "One just has to hope that the… light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train," he said seriously.

"Well, obviously it is a train," Cordelia mused, continuing the tunnel-analogy. "I mean, if Angel's gonna die…" She bit her lip, unable to finish the sentence. It surprised even Cordelia herself how bad the thought made her feel; the thought of never seeing Angel again. Never bicker with him again. Never work for Angel Investigations again… Never be surprised by the centuries old guy's attempts to be a compassionate and caring man. It wasn't a pleasant notion.

Willow was the only one who sat quiet, in deep thought. She could pull it off and bring Angel back, but she couldn't tell them now. Especially not with Giles here, he would never allow her to proceed, probably not even let her out of his sight long enough for her to do something if he knew about her plans.

The discussion was ended abruptly when Buffy stepped inside. Her face was pale on the side of ash gray and she looked like she was ready to throw up at any moment. Worry immediately stirred when they saw her. Giles lowered his gaze and looked at her hands. He could see the trace of ashes on them. Gray vampire-like dust mixed with water from the damp grass outside. No… she couldn't have done it? It certainly would explain the devastated look on her face.

"Buff, what is it? Did Angel… Is he…" Xander started, hopeful. He noticed her hands too. He felt bad that his friend was obviously in pain, but if it was over and done with… well, his heart made small leaps at the mere thought of no more Angelus.

Giles got up from his chair and motioned for Buffy to take his place. She moved stiffly as she sat down on the edge of the chair.

"Buffy, what is it?" Giles said softly. The girl was clearly in shock. This could only mean one thing… well, they should be glad that she came to them instead of cutting herself off like last time.

"My Mom…" she began silently.

"You found your mother?" Giles and the others were still clueless, it took a while for them to catch on, maybe because they had expected something else entirely when Buffy stepped inside with a gloomy look on her face.

Desperately fighting the burning tears behind her eyelids, she looked up at her former watcher.

"He killed her, Giles," she said in a voice so incredibly small and vulnerable.

He froze. They all froze for a moment. What had she just said, had they heard right? Giles looked at her hands again. That was definitely the remains of a vampire. Had she gone after Angelus and killed him after she found her mother? It was a possibility. The only possibility that was remotely pleasing. The other option… was simply too gruesome to think about.

"And she… she was a vampire." Buffy stared at the table. Followed the grains in the wood with her eyes. There was no nice way to tell them. No fancy words to use that would make reality less horrible.

"Dear god." Giles was the only one actually uttering the words that everyone thought. Xander had pulled Anya close to him where they sat in the couch, taking comfort in their proximity. Willow walked up to Buffy and hugged her. Afraid that any sudden movement would stir up her nausea again Buffy didn't return the hug, but she was thankful for it. Giles pulled Willow's chair close to Buffy and sat down on it.

"Buffy, it there is anything… anything that I can do," he tried, his voice barely holding up. He felt such compassion for the broken Slayer before him. He loved the girl like a daughter, just like the Council had said years ago. Still, in this instant he was at a loss. What could he possibly say or do that would ease her pain? She looked at him.

"Yes. You can bring my mother back alive, make Dawn wake up, and bring back Riley and Tara as well. And then you can make sure that Angel comes back and that Angelus is banished for good."

She stared at him. She knew that he only meant well, but she was so tired, so tired and hurting. And still, her work was far from done. The main event was still left. She still had another vampire to kill. Giles didn't say anything else, as no words seemed appropriate.

"Tomorrow, it happens," Buffy said, trying to turn her devastation to cold determination. She wasn't sure if it worked. "I'm going after Angelus, and he won't get out of it alive." She considered her words. "Maybe I won't either, but tomorrow, he's going down," she said firmly.

Somewhere deep down the thought of bringing down Angelus and dying in the process was comforting. It should scare her – the whole situation should; fighting Angelus to the death, feeling somber about the thought of him taking her with him when he fell… but it didn't.

"I don't want any on you with me. He has hurt my friends and family enough already. I'm going to visit Dawn at the hospital tomorrow afternoon, and then you won't hear from me until he's dead."


"Xander." A while later, after Buffy had gone home, stating that she would try to sleep for a few hours, Willow pulled Xander's shirt and motioned for him to come with her. He wasn't going to like this, but except for Buffy, he was her closest friend and probably the only one she could trust with her secret.

"What is it, Will?" he asked when they had moved away from Giles and Anya, the only ones that were left in the Magic Box. Cordelia, Gunn and Wesley had gone back to their motel.

Xander leant against the wall, relieving his hurting legs from a little of the pain that standing up caused. His head hurt. His eyes hurt and he felt a pulling in his eyelids that told him that sleep was a high priority on his body's to do list. His stomach was empty and gaping for food, but he wasn't hungry. How could he think about food right now? Buffy's mom was dead. Angel had killed her, and now Buffy was finally determined that he would go next. How would she be able to come back from that?

"I have something to tell you. You have to promise that you won't be wigged out, it's really important." Xander looked suspicious. If this was something she couldn't say in front of Giles, it was probably a magic thing. He didn't like that.

"Promise!" Willow prodded.

"Okay, sure. I won't be wigged," he said amenably, knowing that it was the only way that she would tell him at all.

"I've found a spell that will cure Angel." Xander's eyes widened. Well, he should have seen that one coming.

"Willow!"

"You promised!"

"Yeah, but… Willow! What are you thinking? Buffy's finally okay with what has to be done, and now you're going to give her false hope again." Willow shook her head.

"No. That's why I'm telling you. I'm going to try to do this spell tomorrow when she's at the hospital to see Dawn. If it does work – Angel will be back before she goes after him. If it fails… she doesn't even need to know that we did it. She's not okay Xander, don't you see that? She's broken enough already. What if she doesn't recover from having to kill Angel again? We have to do this for her." Xander held up his hands.

"Whoa. We? What's with the 'we' here? There was never talk of any we here – only a you, a you who won't be doing this, might I add."

"Yes, we are. I may need some help. I was thinking about asking Cordelia as well tomorrow, but apart from you and her, there's no one else that can assist me." Xander shook his head.

"I still don't like that you're putting yourself in danger for him," he persisted, realizing that his attempts to talk her out of this would be of no value.

"It's not for Angel. It's because... he can do much good. For the world… and for Buffy. I mean… Riley's gone, and her mom…" Willow lowered her gaze. "If we brought Angel back, it would help her."

"But, Will, think about this… I mean, you especially. Why would you want to stop Angel from getting killed, after what he…"

The dark hurting look that Willow gave him stopped him from finishing the sentence. That was a low blow, and it was unnecessary. Willow was willing to risk her own life to bring back Angel for Buffy's sake, even after what had happened to Tara. That made her an incredibly big human being. Xander didn't say anything else.

"Resolve face, Xander," she said, looking at him, determination all over her face. Nothing could change her decision. She could see the change in his expression as he gave in.

"Okay. Just… be careful."