CHAPTER 19: GETTING BACK ON TRACK
Buffy knocked lightly on the door before she entered. She had met Xander and Anya outside, and Xander had told her that Willow was awake. The doctor had been in there to check on her and she seemed fine. The doctor was perplexed, but it was Sunnydale after all. The doctors must all have seen mystical illnesses at one time or another; they just didn't know what it was or what to call it.
When Buffy entered the room Willow sat up in her bed. She looked worn and tired, but her eyes were clear and she had color on her cheeks. No one would guess that it had only been a few hours since she was near death.
"Hey." Buffy managed a smile. "How are you?" she asked softly as she pulled out a chair and sat down next to the bed.
"I'm okay. You know, apart from the continuing exhaustion and the headache, but it's worth the price as long as it helped." She looked at Buffy, noticing that Angel wasn't with her. "I mean – it did help, right?"
"What? Oh, yeah. He's back." Her mind drifted back to their half fight half discussion they'd had just before she stomped off. "Maybe he's already fled town, but he's all with the en-soulment again," she grimaced. Willow frowned.
"Left? Why?"
"Well, you know…" Buffy said, not sure how to explain what she didn't exactly understand herself. "He feels bad about everything that's happened… and I think he's afraid that this new curse won't hold up. Besides, nothing's changed. We can't be together, we came to that conclusion a long time ago."
"See, I never understood that," Willow mused, thinking back at what she personally referred to as the-leaving-for-her-own-good-garbage. "Why can't you? I mean, when it's so obvious that you still have feelings for each other… Okay, I know he wanted you to live a normal life, but – newsflash – you're never gonna have one of those."
"Yeah," Buffy grimaced, not eager to remember the painful discussions she'd had with Angel about this years ago. "But, you know, there are other things too."
"The happiness clause," Willow stated. Buffy looked at her.
"Partly, yeah." She frowned. "Why?"
"What if I told you there was something else about this curse that's different from the old one?"
Angel wandered slowly through the hallway in the direction of Willow's room. Not that he knew where it was, he simply followed Buffy's scent. She was angry at him, he could practically smell the trace of irritation in the air. Maybe it would be best for both of them if he retreated for the time being to let a little time pass… but he couldn't leave it like this. Despite his good intent he had managed to upset and probably hurt her again. Maybe he should just stop talking? Never open his mouth again? Nothing he said seemed to come out the way it was supposed to anyway.
There they were. Xander and Anya sat together on a bench outside Willow's room, talking quietly.
"Xander," Angel greeted neutrally. He nodded.
"Angel."
"Boy, right now you look worn for a 250 year old," Anya commented. "I'm over 1120 myself, I don't think anyone would guess that. You should take care of yourself better."
Angel tried to smile, but it came out more as a grimace. "I've lived a very eventful life, today sadly not being an exception," he offered as an explanation. She was probably right. He felt stiff and sore, and the leather pants didn't exactly help. At least he should have taken the time to change clothes when he was back at the mansion…
"She's in there," Xander said. "Think it'd be… appropriate, to make an appearance."
"Right," Angel nodded. He glanced at the closed door. "If I come crashing through the wall, you'll know Willow's reaction to seeing me again," he mused as he inhaled a deep unnecessary breath and entered the room.
"Did he just make a joke?" Xander asked frowning.
"Joke. Statement of fact. Sometimes it's hard to make the distinction," Anya shrugged.
"Buffy?" Angel asked as he stepped inside the room. Willow looked up at him. Buffy remained staring into space as if she hadn't even heard him.
"Hey Angel," Willow said with a small smile. Yes, she did flinch slightly when she saw him. After all he looked just like… but he wasn't, and she wasn't angry at Angel. There wasn't any reason for it. No one was or had ever been angry at her for what her pale-evil-dominatrix-vampire self had done, and as far as she was concerned, it was the same difference.
"Hi," he said, taking a few steps closer. "How are you?"
"I'm okay. Okay, so my head hurts a little, but it's nothing. I'll be fine."
"Good," he nodded. At least Willow was recovering. "Buffy?" he said again. Was she really so angry at him that she didn't want to look at him?
"I think she's a little shocked," Willow said, patting Buffy's hand with a slight smirk. Angel looked at her incredulously.
"About what?"
"Right, you don't know either. I guess you know I, um, that I didn't use the original curse." Angel nodded. "Yeah, about that… The two major differences is that, one, it calls on slightly different gods. More powerful. That's why I could use it even though the sorcerer's magic had the soul bound. And, two, the way I see it, this curse doesn't have a happiness clause."
He blinked. What did she just say?
"Um… I – uh…." he began.
"That was kinda how she reacted too," Willow grinned. "Boy, I seem to be shocking and jolting everyone today."
"Are you sure?" Angel managed finally. Wouldn't that be interesting? The biggest problem, the biggest danger in his unlife, lifted away just like that? No more Angelus. Ever. It sounded a little too good to be true.
"As sure as I can be. I found a text in that book that Buffy found in Jenny's uncle's motel room… you know, that time. It told of another curse that someone named 'Gregor' wanted to use…"
"Her father," Angel said silently. "He was the gypsy girl's father."
"That makes sense," Willow nodded. "It said that since he was so full of grief, he should be able to perform the spell, but the elder woman didn't want it to be used, because it would give you the possibility of living and being as happy any human, only – you know – forever."
"That doesn't make any sense," Buffy said her first full sentence since Willow had told her the news. "Why would they prefer to do a spell that might release Angelus again, if there was another way?"
"Actually, it does make sense." Angel said. "They wanted me to suffer for my sins. From their point of view, if the soul ever stopped tormenting me, the curse would be of no use for them any more. The soul was never supposed to be a gift… and they didn't care about the consequences if the curse was ever broken."
"Right," Buffy whispered. It certainly hadn't been the gypsies themselves that had suffered most from their avaricious curse.
"This is incredible news Willow," Angel said, hoping that his voice conveyed how thankful he was. "But why? Why did you do it if you knew how dangerous the spell was?"
"Everything I do is dangerous. I mean, I live in Sunnydale, that should tell you everything you need to know. I did it for the greater good. And for Buffy," she said with emphasis, clearly telling him that now that she had done this for him, he just better put it to use and stay at Buffy's side as long as she needed him. Angel nodded in silent understanding.
"Anyway," Willow continued when neither Angel nor Buffy said anything, "since I'm feeling better, I want to do a healing spell on Giles." Buffy looked at her. Of course it would be a great relief if they could help Giles to recover, but she wasn't exactly comfortable with the fact that Willow seemed to resort to magic so often. Then again, since Willow's magic had helped them multiple times during the last few days, she didn't exactly feel like she was in the position to say anything about it.
"It's not that complicated," Willow added off Buffy's look. "I just need the weapon that hurt him, a little blood from… the attacker, and then I chant a few incantations. It should at least triple his healing rate."
"Ugh. You know, that's just disgusting."
Xander guarded the door to Giles' hospital room the next evening, when Willow was prepared to do the healing spell. Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn were outside making sure that no one even caught a glimpse of what was going on inside the room. What they were doing wasn't exactly allowed and they wanted to avoid a scene.
Buffy sat at Giles' side while Willow carefully removed the bandages to be able to smear his wound with the potion made from Angel's blood.
Angel stood in the darkest corner, watching silently. The day had passed quickly and the best thing about it was that he had managed to avoid talking a lot to anyone. Everyone was still a little tense, and he knew that he was the cause of it. Maybe not him personally, but at least what he had done.
Buffy had spent a long while at the morgue during the afternoon, discussing with the doctors on how the paperwork surrounding Dawn's death would be taken care of. An agonizing task in its own way. Their mother was the obvious answer, but since she was "missing" and Buffy wasn't considered Dawn's legal guardian, the papers would have to be sent to their father, wherever he was. The last thing Buffy heard was that he had gone to Spain with his secretary.
In any ordinary case Giles would have been there, supported her, made necessary calls and taken care of everything he was allowed to as non-blood kin of Dawn's. Now she had to go through it alone. Because of him, Angel thought.
"Xander," Willow scolded. "It's necessary; otherwise the spell won't work like it's supposed to."
"Yeah, well, it's still disgusting. Smearing blood into the open wound?" Xander shook his head.
"It's not just blood," Willow said calmly. "There are a few herbs mixed in there too… and eye of newt, of course."
"Of course," Xander replied dryly.
Buffy held Giles' hand tightly through the ritual. She winced slightly and looked away when Willow touched the wound. Even though Angelus had looked so casual when he used the little pocketknife to slit his throat, he had done a lot of damage.
The doctors had mentioned damaged nerves, something about the major arteries being missed just by a few millimeters, the trachea being badly messed up… The risk for infection was great, which made it a little ironic that Willow's attempt to heal him included essentially pouring bacteria into the wound. Buffy knew that Willow's spells didn't always work out like they were supposed to, but she seemed to be sure that this one would do its thing and make Giles recover.
"That's it," Willow said after finishing her short chant in Latin. "Hey, look at the wound!"
Right before their eyes the ugly wound seemed to absorb the potion and in the matter of minutes it looked better healed than before.
"I think it worked out like I hoped," Willow mused with a satisfied smile. "This spell is originally meant for human attackers and victims, but I figured it should work just as fine even if one of them was a vampire. Seems like it worked even better than I thought."
"He's healing with the rate of a vampire," Angel stated, watching from his corner. Willow nodded.
"Yeah. Guess vampire blood is pretty powerful stuff."
"Maybe you could bottle it and sell in one of those freaky health food stores?" Xander suggested. "I can see it; 'Angelic Must: All health all the time.' Good addition to the vamp detective business if you ask me. What do you think?"
"I think it's my turn to say 'ugh'," Angel muttered.
Wesley knocked lightly on the door and peeked inside.
"Is everything working out alright?"
"Seems like it worked," Willow replied as she carefully covered the wound with the old bandages. She couldn't leave any sign for the doctors that the bandages had been removed.
"The coast is clear if you want to leave for a moment," Wesley said with a glance at Giles. The formerly pale and pasty face already seemed to have regained some of its color. "Should he wake up, perhaps it would be fair not to let him face everyone at the same time."
"Yeah, you're right. Come on," Willow said, looking at Xander. He nodded and left with Anya and Willow right behind. Finally Angel left the room, not wanting to crowd Giles when he woke up.
It didn't take more than fifteen minutes before Giles started to come out of it. Slowly he opened his eyes, swallowed tryingly and grimaced as pain shot through his throat. Slowly the memory flashes of what had happened before he lost consciousness returned.
Dear lord. Angelus… Buffy… How long had he been out? Turning his head slightly, he saw her. At least she was here… and she looked unharmed. He wanted to talk to her, ask her what had happened, and most importantly, if she was alright.
"You shouldn't try to talk yet," Buffy said, worried that it might harm him. He shook his head, clearly telling her that he had to say whatever it was that he attempted to get out.
"Are you… alright?" Buffy smiled sadly, biting her lip to keep back tears. She was tired of crying, but the tears that her eyes were brimming with now weren't there due to despair and pain, they came from relief – and because she was moved that the first thing Giles asked was if she was okay. She wasn't the one who had gotten her throat ripped out…
"I'm fine," she assured him. He nodded slightly. Okay, so she wasn't really fine, but then again the concept of being fine had changed pretty drastically during the last few days. She was alive and unharmed, that was all Giles needed to know right now. The fact that her sister had lost her life was another agonizing fact that he didn't need to know right now.
"And… Angelus is gone, so we're all safe," she continued. Giles looked up at her with compassion. Buffy realized that he must think that Angelus was gone as in definitely gone – as in dead.
"Um… But he's not… Willow found a way to bring back Angel's soul," she said warily, hoping that her statement wouldn't send him back into comatose. His eyes widened and he opened his mouth to say something, but as pain overcame him he settled for frowning slightly and gesturing towards his throat. Buffy nodded.
"Yeah, we'll talk about that later. Right now I think you should see the doctor."
For the next five days and five nights, Angel was at her side whenever she needed him, and left her whenever she didn't. Sometimes he stayed with her in her house until she fell asleep but he never stayed the night, never touched her in anything other than a friendly manner, never said a word about what he was going to do – or when he was going to leave. If Buffy hadn't been so thankful for his company, it would have driven her insane.
Giles was released from the hospital the day before Dawn's funeral. Even though his recovery had been remarkably – or as the doctors said, unnaturally quick, if they only knew, they had forced him to stay a few days for observation. Apparently there were tests that had to be done, strong antibiotics that had to be given for a certain number of days… When he was finally released the doctors were deeply perplexed; exactly what had happened that made the man that was close to death six days ago, now walk out of the hospital nearly fully recovered with only a fading scar as the memory of the injury?
So far they had told Giles very little about how Angel had gotten his soul back; they knew what he would think of it – that Willow had performed the spell and nearly died in the process, that Xander and Cordelia had helped her, and the obvious fact that it all had been done behind his back. They were hoping that the fact that it was over and done with, that everyone was fine and that Angel now had his soul permanently would appease him.
It was a simple service in silence, held at night so Angel could be there. Buffy had chosen not to contact any of her family on her mother's side as that would only lead her into a huge amount of questions, condolences, visits, phone calls, letters and people at the funeral. Buffy didn't have energy for any of that. Of course Dawn's death and also Joyce's "disappearance" would get out sooner or later, and when it did, people would be upset with her for not contacting them, but the fact was that Buffy didn't care. With everything that had happened, everything she had been through, she just couldn't bring herself to care.
Spike surprised them all by showing up at the ceremony. He brought a simple bouquet of daisies that might have been stolen or even picked in a garden. Buffy wasn't sure what to think of his company. He and Angel shot each other unappreciative glares for a long while, both of them clearly thinking that the other one had no business there. At least Spike didn't attack Angel again, though Buffy wasn't sure if it was because he was sensible enough not to make a scene at the funeral or if he simply was over the rage.
When the priest began speaking and the coffin was lowered into the ground Angel stopped paying attention to Spike. Buffy stood close to him, slipping her small hand into his.
Angel didn't really understand that Buffy willingly stayed so close to him, even during the ceremony. Technically he was the murderer and she was the mourner. No, he didn't understand it, but he had decided that it was no use thinking more about it. Sometimes feelings couldn't, maybe shouldn't, be analyzed and explained in detail. The fact that Buffy still cared for him despite what his evil alter ego had done to her wasn't more twisted than the fact that he loved her when he had his soul, and hated her with a fiery passion when he didn't.
Angel knew he should be thankful that the one whose feelings he truly cared was one of the people that didn't feel any resentment against him even after everything that had happened. Giles hadn't looked straightly at him a single time during the few moments they had seen each other after his release from the hospital. Angel knew that Giles was working through his feelings silently, and maybe he would come around sooner or later. Or maybe he wouldn't – Angel didn't expect to be forgiven. He never had.
Gunn, Cordelia and Wesley had accepted that he was back, and now the biggest question on their part was when he was going back to Los Angeles. They all wanted to get back; they probably would have already left if it hadn't been for Cordelia, who was determined not to leave him behind. Bad things happen if you leave him and Buffy alone in the same town, she had said. Since the curse supposedly wasn't a problem anymore, Angel guessed that she suspected that he might get a taste of Sunnydale and decide to stay there if they left him.
Well, Angel wasn't more eager to stay on the Hellmouth than anyone else, but he didn't know how he was supposed to be able to leave Buffy. She was still grieving, still dealing with the aftermath of what he had done – he couldn't just pack it in and leave her like that. But then again, if he stayed, the risk of the two of them slipping back into old routine was great. Did they really want that, and what would it mean? When the time was right, he would talk to Buffy about it, he decided. That should end well, with him being so good with the words and all…
After the service was done, they all stayed behind, just standing there, reminiscing and thinking. Spike was the first one to depart. He was probably feeling a little too much like a part of the gang when he shared the moment with them, and when he realized that, he went up and put the flowers on the grave before he disappeared into the night without a word, puffing on a cigarette.
Willow came up to Buffy and hugged her before she left with Xander and Anya. Giles put a hand on her shoulder, trying to convey his deepest sympathies.
A few minutes later, they had all left. Everyone except for Angel and Buffy who still stood there, hand in hand. It was a long while, at least an hour, before they moved. During that time the warmth from Buffy's hand had spread to Angel, making him practically feel alive under her touch. It was so hard to be close to her. For every moment he stayed he knew he was one moment closer to loosing himself in her again. Would he be able to leave if something happened between them?
At last Buffy turned away from the grave and they began walking back to the house in silence. It was only a short walk from the cemetery, so Angel had left his car at Revello Drive.
Buffy entered the porch reluctantly, knowing that every step she took towards her house meant they were one step closer to the point where they would say good bye, and he would leave her. When he did that, it meant that she had to go inside, and deal with what was inside.
Everything was exactly the way it had been left. Her mom's and Dawn's things were scattered over the house. There was probably a list over groceries that needed to be restocked on the fridge. Laundry in the bathroom… Maybe a book that her mother had began reading in the living room. She desperately didn't want to deal with it now. Not alone, and not tonight.
"So…" Buffy began.
"So…" Angel repeated, not making a move to leave.
"Goodnight, I guess?" Buffy asked, hoping that her message would get through. She took a few stepped closer to him.
"Yeah… goodnight," he answered. Buffy frowned slightly in disappointment. Okay, so the guy was from the 18th century, but couldn't he even pick up her anvil-sized hints? Without another thought she embraced him in a tight hug. He was a little hesitant at first, but soon he returned it.
For a few still moments Buffy enjoyed the comfort of being in his arms. His strong body against hers, his arms around her… she had felt safe in his embrace years ago, and she did now. Not even the knowledge that the very same body had been used for significantly more bloodshed and violence than tender signs of devotion could change that. Not even the memory of that he… Angelus had held Dawn in a similar way when he drained the life out of her...
Buffy only took moments to decide that she was tired of subtle – she wanted to take things to another level. Since she was pretty sure Angel wouldn't, she was the one that had to make the first move. Instead of just backing away, she let her hands trace over his neck and kissed him softly.
Before she had time to think about what she should do if he pushed her away, he returned it, heat and attraction stirring in them both as a reaction to the closeness. It had been so long… For a few blessed moments nothing mattered except for their newfound proximity. Taking in each others scent and touch as hands traveled in a search of own, they were able to close out everything around them. What they had done before and what they would have to do later didn't matter. Neither of them had felt like this in a long time.
Finally, much too soon for both of them, Angel broke off the kiss, gently pulling away. What was that for? Was it a sign that they were slipping back into old habits, or was it just simple comfort that they both needed? Maybe he shouldn't read so much into it.
Buffy looked at him, her eyes practically begging him to touch her again. Emotions ran high, as always when they were close. It would be so easy for them to loose themselves in it. He let his gaze remain on her for a moment, before he looked away.
"Well, I guess I better..." Angel trailed off. He was going to leave, go back to the mansion alone – just like he had every day since he got his soul back. Buffy was almost ready to agree with Cordelia, sometimes he could be completely emotionally stunted. What more signs could she have given him?
"Angel, I…" Angel stopped and looked at her. Buffy wasn't sure what to say. Should she say anything? Maybe he didn't even leave every day for her sake; because he felt guilty… maybe he simply didn't want to be with her. Maybe he was only still in town because he felt like he should stick around to help her clean up the mess, nothing else. He would be leaving soon, they both knew it. A little kiss and comfort didn't change that. There were more things to consider than the happiness clause. They were leading completely different lives now; she was a college student – or was supposed to be anyway, he ran a detective agency that had three employees that were eager to get back home and start working again.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Do you want… I mean, what do you think…" she stopped herself. What did she want to say? Did she want to invite him in? Well, she could imagine how tense he would be in that scenario, in her home, around all of her Mom's and Dawn's things.
"Can I come with you?" she said finally. He stared silently at her for a long while before he said anything.
"Buffy, I'm not sure that's…" Angel knew it was probably a bad idea. If one thing led to another, he wasn't sure either of them was clear headed and strong enough to avert it tonight. Even if it didn't mean anything soul wise, if something were to happen… it was more complicated than that. It would stir up feelings that should be kept buried if they wanted this to work. If he wished to go back to his life in a few days.
"I don't want to be alone tonight," she said, looking away. That was completely true. She didn't want to sit alone in the house, and she didn't feel like being with her friends. The subject of her mother and sister would inevitably come up right after Dawn's funeral, she knew that. She wanted to be with Angel. No matter what he thought she should feel, she felt safe around him.
Angel shifted his weight back and forth, obviously not sure what to say. He couldn't deny her. Maybe he should, but he couldn't. At last, he nodded slightly.
"Okay," he said silently, knowing that he probably gave in to something considerably bigger than just allowing Buffy to come back to the mansion with him.
And so the slayer and the vampire walked off into the night, two lonely figures whose broken relationship had just taken a big step towards healing.
