A/N: Feels like I've said this before, but thank you, and keep the reviews coming! Especially thanks to MysticWolf1. Look, someone said I'm a very talented writer! Especially nice to hear, this being my first fic and all.
Okay. I'm good now. Let's move on with the next chapter, shall we.
CHAPTER 28: SPIRITUAL STRUGGLE
Later that day, Angel was sitting in Buffy's dark room. She was lying on her bed. He had put a blanket over her that covered the wound on her neck. A clean blanket, smelling of detergent instead of blood. He had cleaned her, wiping the blood away from her face and hands. Removed that of her clothing which was bloody and ruined. And despite everything, she looked beautiful as always.
If he ignored the fact that she was very pale and didn't breathe, she could as well be asleep, he thought. She wasn't, though… Right now she was a dead body, but tonight a vicious demon, spawned by him, would come to life and rise in her body… a demon that would gladly wreak havoc for eternity, desecrating Buffy's memory, unless they did something about it.
Gunn, Cordelia and Xander were in the basement, building a cage to put Buffy in when she woke up. Willow, Anya, Wesley, Giles and Lorne were downstairs in the living room, rummaging through all reference material they had – Giles had collected several books from his home and the Magic Box that might be of help. Angel knew he should help either them of the cage building gang, but he felt as if he was in the way. They all became very tense as soon as he stepped into the room. No, for now he was best off hiding in a dark room. Sitting there and brooding… it was where he belonged.
His head snapped up when he heard a faint knock on the door.
"Angel?" Wesley's voice. "Angel, I think you should come down." Angel sighed and gave Buffy a last look before he left her side to open the door. He didn't feel like talking to anyone, but at least Wesley was the best one to have conversation with. He held something of a professional distance to what was going on. It might seem cold, but considering how dangerously close Angel was to drowning in his own emotions, he needed that. Besides, Wesley, apart from Buffy's friends, didn't look like he wanted to come at him with a sharp object as soon as he looked upon him.
"What is it, Wesley?" he said tiredly, looking at the man in front of him. He made sure to stand in the way so that Buffy couldn't be seen from the door. He wanted to protect her. He wasn't sure if he just didn't want them to see her body if it wasn't necessary, or if it was his demon, instinctively watching over his soon-to-be childe.
"News. Just… come down, please."
Reluctantly Angel followed Wesley downstairs. He avoided the streams of sunlight from the window as he remained standing in the far corner, close to the door, feeling like an animal trapped in a cage. They had all gathered in the living room. Giles looked at him uncomfortably. Well, he wasn't the only one. Angel wasn't more comfortably being there.
"Angel," he acknowledged. "We have both good and bad news as it seems," he continued, cutting right to the point.
"Let's start with the bad ones… I'm afraid the Mohra demon won't help Buffy in the state she is in, or will be when she… when she rises. The demon turns a vampire back to mortal through regenerating it just as it regenerates itself, but it has nothing to do with souls. You were turned human because you already had your soul, but if we tried it on Buffy… she would be a mortal creature without a soul, as far as we can decipher. A shell." Angel looked down. Was all lost?
"However," Giles continued. "We have found very interesting news about your curse. It is made only for you all right, but the gypsies also made an amulet, a sort of… medallion, fittingly enough called 'the amulet of Thesulah'. If you put it around the neck of a vampire and perform the curse close to it, the curse is supposed work on it. I'm afraid it's exactly the same curse that has given you your soul back, including the clause, but it's a start."
Angel furrowed his brow. "It doesn't make sense. What do you know about this amulet?"
"There is only one," Wesley cut in. "It was originally made to give the soul back to an elder of the Kalderash clan… according to the book, you turned one of their leaders, and they planned to re-ensoul him so that he could help them in the fight against… well, you, Darla, Drusilla and Spike before they killed him. It didn't work though, he became too much of a danger and they couldn't control him, so they had to kill him before they ever had time to try the curse."
"Right." Angel said silently. "Their leader. I remember him." They were all silent for a moment.
"That means that the amulet should still exist, but we have no idea where. It's possible that the Kalderash clan still has it…" Giles trailed off. Angel gave him a look.
"And how are we supposed to find any of them? I'm not even sure how much of their clan is left today. I – I mean, they were wiped out after I got my soul back. Spike and Darla made sure of that."
"Well, at least we're sure they did still exist a few years ago, wouldn't you agree?" Giles said bitterly, his voice tinged with old but never completely buried anger and hatred. Angel looked away.
"Yeah," he agreed silently. "But as far as we know, no one from their clan is residing in the country… anymore. Which means we would have to go to Romania, and I have no idea where they might be nowadays. Besides, even if we find them and they have the amulet. Why would they give it up? To me?"
"He's right," Xander spoke up. "There are a lot of ifs here. We don't like ifs."
"So of course it's a good idea in theory," Angel continued, "but I don't se how it would… Oh, God."
"What?"
"What does the amulet look like?"
Willow held up a book with a picture of it. "Like this. Sort of crystal-y, almost like a big diamond, only it's not. It's the same material as the orbs, in other words pretty fragile, so unfortunately I guess there's a big chance that it has been destroyed some time over the last 100 years."
"No, no, it's not destroyed," Angel said smiling. "I have it."
"What?"
"That gypsy man in 98… I saw a piece of jewelry in his room."
"You mean the man you murdered and splashed over the wall," Xander pointed out. Angel stared at him.
"Xander, let him continue," Giles scolded.
"I don't know why I took it, but I did," Angel said. "Maybe I planned to give it to Drusilla, I honestly don't remember. It looks exactly like the amulet in the book."
"So, where is it now?" Giles said expectantly.
"In L.A., at the hotel."
"That's great news," Wesley said, smiling a little. "If one of us leave for Los Angeles now, perhaps we could even perform the curse tonight. Provided that it is the right amulet, of course."
"Good." Angel nodded. "Anyone volunteering? I mean, I would, but…" he made a gesture towards the window. Yes, there was the matter of the sun. And more importantly, he had no intention of leaving Buffy for so long, even though she technically wouldn't know whether he was at her side or not.
"I'll go." Cordelia got up from her seat. As Angel gave her a look, Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Don't worry, I won't rummage through your things more than necessary. Don't forget I helped you pack when we left the burnt out office. The amulet should be in one of the jewelry or miscellaneous boxes."
Angel nodded. Cordelia gave him a look. "What is it that I hear? 'Thank you Cordelia for packing so wisely and marking all the boxes so that this won't take forever'?"
"Good. And… thank you." Cordelia smiled.
"Don't mention it."
And they waited. And waited. And when they were sick and tired of it… they waited a little more. Angel wasn't sure what to do with himself. While the others kept busy and carefully stayed out of his way, he stalked back and forth between Buffy's room and the living room downstairs.
It had been three hours since Cordelia left and she hadn't called in yet. Angel estimated that the trip to L.A. would take her about 1,5 hours in his car, if she really pushed the speed limits, so she should be there. The question was whether she was still looking or already heading back.
When dusk came, he moved Buffy to the cage. It pained him deeply, but it was the only way to be safe. He wasn't sure when she would rise, and if it happened before Cordelia came back, they couldn't risk her hurting anyone. Couldn't risk anyone seeing her demonic self at all, in fact. Angel ordered them out of the way when me moved her and specifically told them not to go into the basement. He realized that they would probably have to see her when they performed the curse… but he wanted to keep her from them for as long as possible.
Angel put a blanket over her, leaving only her head visible. He slipped a pillow under her neck. It was ridiculous, really. She was a body – she couldn't be uncomfortable. But still... He locked the cage, just in case, and forced himself to walk away. His phone was still upstairs, and he had to be there if Cordelia called.
He had hoped not to meet anyone – he was pretty sure they were all in the living room, but it failed as soon as he stepped out of the basement. The smell of cigarette smoke caught his attention and he followed its trail into the kitchen.
"Spike."
The bleached vampire turned his head to look at his grandsire. He looked strangely worn and tired, but was sure to wipe the expression off his face as soon as he saw Angel.
"What are you doing here?" Angel hissed. "Shouldn't you be off somewhere groveling before Drusilla?"
"Don't get your knickers in a twist, cutie," he sneered, flicking the cigarette butt into the sink. "Dru left." Angel moved closer to him slowly, not sure what to do.
"She was going on about some mighty blonde coming, and then she took off. Thought she was talking about Darla at first... till I came hear and heard about…" he trailed off, almost looking sad for a moment there, before he cheered up as usual.
"I'll be damned. Honestly didn't think you'd do it, gotta give you that. Guess ol' Angelus finally learned from his mistakes – just do the damage, don't stop and gloat for too long."
"I guess so." Angel sat down opposite Spike. It was strange to meet someone that didn't react with shock and disgust. Of course, Spike had a whole different perspective. He was a vampire, had been for a very long time, and he liked it. He didn't view Buffy's turning as a death, but as a transformation. Maybe even ascension, Angel thought.
"Also heard you're trying to bring her back. Just wanted to say… best of luck." Angel gave him a look.
Spike realized that he almost had sounded nice, which was something that had to be nipped in the bud. "'Course, I honestly hope you'll fail and Buffy'll agree to become my new eternal bride, but hey…"
Angel just glared at him.
"A fella can hope, eh?"
"You being a pain in my ass is just genetic, isn't it," Angel muttered.
"Well, it's just that you provide so many opportunities for practice," Spike replied.
Before Angel could come up with a crushing reply to that, they were interrupted by the loud, painfully cheerful chirping of his cell phone. It was Cordelia.
"Hello, Cordy? You found it? Great. When will you be here? Yeah, okay. No, she hasn't… not yet. Yeah. I'll see you then. Bye."
Angel turned to Giles, Xander and Willow that had come into the kitchen when they heard he was on the phone.
"She found it. She'll be here in an hour."
One hour and seven minutes later Cordelia arrived back at Revello Drive.
Buffy still hadn't risen, but she would soon, Angel could tell. She had started to feel less like a human and more like a vampire from his line – an uncomfortable notion to say in the least. It was good though, since it mean that they could go on an curse her immediately without waiting for her to rise first. That was a horror they wanted to spare themselves and her if they could.
"Here it is," Cordelia said, handing Angel the amulet. "Let's just hope it's the real thing." He glared at her.
"What do you mean?"
"Well you know, that they didn't make fake ones. Never know with those wacky gypsies, right?"
Angel shrugged. He hadn't even thought of that. Well, there was really only one way to find out. If it failed… they could consider their next action then if it did.
They were all standing there, huddled in a corner of the basement. Giles, Xander, Anya, Cordelia, Gunn, Lorne and Wesley. Not Spike, he had left for the time being, afraid that the soul spell would be contagious.
Willow made her way into the cage where Angel was, putting the necklace around Buffy's neck. Willow gave her a look. It was the first time she saw the body. Buffy. It was really uncomfortable to think that it – the body, would soon get up and walk around like nothing had happened. She shot Angel looks once in a while when she set up the ingredients for the curse. He didn't look back at her. He just sat there, holding Buffy, avoiding all contact with the outside world.
He took her cold hand – it was just like his now. He was fighting total breakdown. The thought that her hand might never be hot against his skin again… it was devastating. It was so silent. There was no steady thumping coming from her, no sound of her soothing breath. And if he didn't succeed, there wouldn't ever be again. He tried to push those dark thoughts away. It wouldn't do him any good to be negative.
"Are you staying in here?" Willow asked. He looked up at her for a second. Such a dumb question.
"Yeah."
"I mean… the curse and all. I don't think so, but what if it disturbs your curse?"
"Why would it?" Angel snapped, harsher than he needed to be. Willow looked hurt. "I just mean… we can't risk her waking up in the middle of the ritual without someone in here to restrain her," he continued. And also, he couldn't imagine leaving her.
"Right. Good thinking," Willow said shortly. She tried to avoid looking at Buffy… her still face, completely slack and resting. She tried not to imagine what would happen if the curse failed. If Buffy woke up, without a soul…
No, there was no time for this. If she didn't hurry up Buffy would be waking up without her soul before they even had time to try the curse.
"Quod perditum est, invenietur."
"Not dead nor not of the living. Spirits of the interregnum I call. Let her know the pain of humanity, gods. Reach your wizened hands to me. Give me the sword. Gods, bind her. Cast her heart from the evil realm. I call on you gods… Te implor, Doamne, nu ignora aceasta rugaminte. Nici mort, nici de-al fiintei, Te invoc, spirit al trecerii. Reda trupului ce separa omul de animal!"
As she spoke the Romanian words, the amulet around Buffy's neck started to glow bright, just as the orb usually did.
"Lasa orbita sa fie vasul care-i va transporta, sufletul la el. Utrespur aceastui."
Angel could feel Buffy's small body shiver – she wasn't awake yet, it was just the demon's reaction to being suppressed by the human soul. It was really working. It should make Angel happy that they seemed to be taking one step closed to making her human again, but he couldn't bring himself to any form of positive feelings. Even if Buffy had never lived through the horror of being soulless – she would still wake up as a demon with a soul. She had accepted him for what he was a long time ago. But would she ever be able to accept herself?
"Asa sa fie! Asa sa fie! Acum!"
The necklace went back to dark. Buffy convulsed a last time before her body was still again. Her head fell backwards slightly, resting heavily on his arm. She wasn't awake, or even about to wake up yet. But if had worked – Angel was sure it had. His whole body was humming in her presence, telling him that Buffy's soul was back. He wondered if she used to feel the same way with him?
No one said anything. The basement was very quiet. It was a long while before Anya broke the silence.
"So, did it work?"
"She doesn't look different," Xander commented.
"I suppose we won't know for certain until she wakes up," Giles spoke. Angel looked at him.
"It worked," he said. "I'm sure of it."
"Yes, yes. All is good and well then," Giles said, just a bit dryly, a bit bitterly. Angel looked down. No. No, of course it wasn't.
"Good. The last thing we want is a little female Angelus running around." Anya declared, saying what everyone was thinking.
"When do you think she'll wake up," Willow asked in a small voice, studying Angel.
"I don't know," he replied shortly. "You should leave, all of you. She's not gonna have to face everyone when she comes to."
"Angel," Giles began.
"It's not up for discussion. You'll get to see her, when she's ready. Not before that." Angel stared Giles straight in the eyes, his gaze never budging, never giving him the single hint that there was room for any discussion. Finally Giles shrugged, defeated.
"Alright then. Let's leave for the time being," he said, motioning for them to go upstairs. Angel watched them go, all of them. He could hear Xander make a snotty comment about the 'Angel, bossy the basement guy', but he didn't care. He didn't care what either of them thought. What was coming next would be a horrifying experience for both him and Buffy. They weren't an amusement show. No one would be allowed to stand outside and stare at them.
It took a good while before anything happened. He must have been sitting there for hours with her body in his arms before there was the tiniest sign that she was about to wake up. Maybe the demon was repelled by being ensouled and therefore took its time to wake up.
It was after midnight when Buffy opened her eyes.
