A/N: And again I say... thank you for reviewing. Special thanks to Yummi Sushi for her long review! It's greatly appreciated. I feel it's very important not to just shove Spike to the side and neglect his character, B/A fan or not. I like Spike a lot, just not in a romantic Spuffy way. Also yeah, I'm aware of the grammatical errors here and there - English is not my first language, and being my own beta a few things slip through. Thank you for your patience. :-)
CHAPTER 29: BITTERSWEET SPELL
The first thing she became aware of was her sharp senses.
She could hear Giles' voice loud and clear, even though she couldn't feel him close to her. She heard a car pass on the street outside. The ache in her knee was gone… and she was so hungry. Was she in a hospital? It didn't smell like a hospital – more like her own basement. But why… how had she come here?
She opened her eyes. Angel. Her Angel? Yes, he was worried and held her closely – it was him. But, he felt so warm… How did they get here? The last thing she remembered was… Fighting Angelus in an alley. He slammed her against the wall, and…
"Angel?" she said, voice unsteady. She couldn't understand why he suddenly felt so warm – his skin felt like it was just the same temperature as hers.
"Buffy." He brushed of a few stray hairs from her face. She slowly sat up, still in his arms. Could it all have been a dream? Her knee didn't hurt anymore and Angel obviously had his soul… maybe it had all been a bad dream. Maybe this was the day after Dawn's funeral and she and Angel had just woken up. But… if it had been a dream they should have been in the mansion now, shouldn't they? So – probably not a dream, but… what then?
"You're back," she said with a drowsy smile.
"Yeah. So are you."
"Have I been… sick?" she asked, still disoriented.
"No… not sick."
"Then, what…" In that instant, she realized that her heart wasn't beating. People usually don't really feel their hearts unless they're beating really fast, but when its rhythmic thump wasn't there anymore… There was a big difference. Slowly it dawned on her. Angel wasn't warm.
She was cold.
"No," she whimpered, feeling hysteria claw at her from the inside. "No." Her whole mind screamed, it screamed so loudly that she was sure her hearing would be damaged. But the desperate sound only existed in her mind. It was her consciousness that became aware of what had happened. She wasn't okay. She was dead! A walking corpse, regenerated by a demon.
A demon that was doomed to walk this earth for eternity.
"I'm so beyond sorry for this, Buffy. I-I couldn't do anything. When I got my soul back, it was too late…"
"You killed me." Her voice was so small, so desperate and vulnerable. And what she said… was a raw fact which he couldn't deny. She was right. God, she was right. How was he supposed to go on knowing what he had done?
How was she supposed to go on after what he had done?
"Yes." His voice was nothing more than a whisper, a whisper so faint that she wouldn't have heard it without her improved hearing.
"So I'm gonna be the monster now? That's really ironic when you think about it, we've switched places." Was this how it felt to be soulless? Then it wasn't like she had imagined it. Not at all, in fact.
"No, we haven't." he said softly. "You have your soul, we found a way to restore it before you woke up."
Buffy didn't really know how to respond to that. Good? Thank you?
Why didn't you just kill me, you sadistic piece of shit?
She remained silent. She felt very close to Angel – well, she always did, but now it was even more intense. It must be that weird sire-childe bond that Angel had been talking about sometimes. It frustrated her. He had killed her. He had broken her down completely and taken the last thing she had left – her life. Her whole self. Shouldn't she hate him? Shouldn't she hate him now?
"We're working on a way to make you human again. It... it might not work, but we're trying. Until then, I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere."
Buffy nodded. Her confused mind barely registered his words, let alone understood what he was saying. In any other situation, of course she would have asked him how he was thinking of turning her back, there wasn't supposed to be a way to do that. If curing vampire-ness had been easy as pie, there wouldn't be a Slayer. And no girls would have been forced to die for a cause they had been mystically chosen to fight for.
"Hungry," she said silently, embarrassed since she understood it wasn't exactly meatloaf she was craving. Then she felt stupid for being embarrassed. Angel was an expert on the subject after all.
"I know," he whispered. He wasn't sure if there was any animal blood around. Probably not, why would there be a stock of that in Buffy's house? Besides he was more than a little doubtful that she would actually stomach drinking pig's blood from a glass. Not now, not yet. There was only one way to give her the nourishment she needed, and it was giving her back a little of what he had stolen from her a day earlier.
Undoing the uppermost button in his shirt, he tugged at the collar, inviting her. Buffy looked at him for a second, in doubt. It occurred to Angel that even if she had been the Slayer for years, Buffy probably knew very little about the exchanging of blood activities that the undead occupied themselves with on occasion. It was a demonic behavior, one that could hold high sexual value, and one that was often used with newly risen fledglings and wounded vampires in need of immediate sustenance.
"Drink." His voice wasn't more than a whisper. The situation reminded them both eerily of that time one and a half years ago… Graduation Day. That time he had been the one in need of her blood. Now she needed his.
Swallowing hard she closed her eyes for a second. When she opened them again they flashed amber and demonic ridges disrupted her beautiful face. Not that Angel thought of her as less beautiful in her gameface, quite the opposite. The demon inside him screamed with lust at the sight of his childe and lover in her true appearance.
He pushed it down. This was temporary. The only reason to why he had put her through this, yet another nightmare, was because he wanted to buy some time to turn her back.
Gripping his neck and shoulder with her small hands – hands that used to physically warm every inch of him that they touched – she bit down, slowly, tryingly at first before her instincts took over. She growled slightly, jerking her head back and forth a little to get a better bite. Angel held steady. He felt the sting when she bit into him, but the pain that came after… it held no negative meaning to him.
After a while, when Buffy had taken as much blood as she needed for her demon to resign a bit, she flinched and pulled away from him, realizing what she had done.
Angel was quick to grab her, keeping her close, ensuring her that it was nothing disgusting or beastly about what she had just done. It was completely normal for what she was now, and he didn't have anything against it. He was glad no one else had been there to see it, though. Humans more than often viewed the exchange of blood between vampires as something very gross, and Buffy definitely didn't need that.
"Do you feel better?" Her face had switched back by now, and she nodded.
"Yeah… I do." She was glad he hadn't chosen to ask if she was okay, because that, she wasn't. She felt better physically. Stronger. More focused, less affected by the demon. But that was it. Mentally… she had no idea how she would ever go on, ever move away from her position and leave this basement. Seeing her friends again… it seemed so impossible.
Did they even view her as a friend anymore? Was she their friend anymore? She wasn't sure what she was herself.
"Good." Angel caressed her face. She put one of her hands over his. Her feelings were so confusing. Angel looked so helpless, so lost. He was clearly devastated and not sure how to deal with the situation anymore than she was.
She still loved him, despite the fact that he had technically taken everything from her – including her life… but at the same time she felt as if she should get away from him. Sort things out by herself. Her demon and body told her something else, though. She felt so close to him – and was too, since they were bound by blood now – that she wasn't sure how she would be able to exist without having him close.
"I'm sure your friends would like to see you." He must have seen how she thought about that suggestion – or maybe he just understood what she felt. He had always been good at knowing what she felt. "When you feel ready," he added.
"I don't know if I can face them. What will they think?"
Would they hate her? Buffy tried to imagine their emotions. Xander hated vampires; he had never made any attempts to hide that. Even though he had his special reasons for hating Angel even more… what if he would feel the same way about her? She didn't think she would be able to handle harsh words or loathing glances from him. Would they behave awkward? Of course they would. Things were awkward.
Why couldn't they just stay right where they were, she and Angel?
"They already know what's happened, and Buffy, believe me. They don't hate you. They might hate me, but that's nothing new. They'll be glad to see you… to see that you're still you. That you're still Buffy."
"Am I?" she asked simply, and the question was completely honest. Right now she had no idea what she was.
Hadn't the Slayer called Buffy died in an alley yesterday, gone out fighting, just like she was destined to? And if she had… how could whatever she was not still be her?
"Of course you are," Angel said with emphasis. He couldn't stress that enough. Everything that made Buffy the beautiful person she had always been was still intact, and he couldn't allow her to think anything else. "You have a demon inside, just like me, but you have the same human soul as yesterday. You're you, Buffy." She didn't answer him, much as he had expected. "Okay?"
"Okay." Not okay. Nothing was okay. Nothing would ever be okay again…
Angel got up from his seat, still with Buffy tightly wrapped in his embrace and carefully put her down on the floor. Her knees buckled at first, her body unused to the pressure of standing up right. She felt her right leg tryingly. It was fine, it didn't hurt the least bit.
In fact, apart from the fact that her legs were a little shaky from lying down for so long, she was feeling good. Physically, that was. When she leaned against Angel as they slowly made their way up the stairs, it wasn't so much because she needed the physical support as much as the mental. It felt good… to be close to him.
Angel felt the same way. He knew that she wasn't hurt anymore, that it was only her emotional bond that kept her firmly against him. Well, he was certainly not going to push her away.
"You ready?" he asked softly before he opened the door. Buffy forced herself to nod. No, she wanted to scream, no, she wasn't ready! She would never be ready to face her friends, showing them what she had become. What she had let herself become.
As soon as Angel pushed the basement door open, he could hear hurried footsteps coming from the living room and upstairs. He should have remembered to tell them to take it easy when they met her the first time, he thought silently to himself. He could only hope that this would end well.
Or maybe 'not in catastrophe' was a more reasonable hope… Okay. He could settle for anything that didn't involve Buffy's fragile mind breaking even further, a big fight and snotty comments from either of the people heading down to see them.
"Buffy!" Willow and Xander called out almost simultaneously. Giles stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her. She looked so much like herself… but she wasn't. So much was different.
Everything was different.
When she became forced to face everything – everything that was real, her friends, her house, the bright light, Buffy almost panicked. She liked it in the basement, and she wanted to go back there. Angel could feel her small body tense and tremble slightly. If he released his grip on her he was fairly sure that she would escape. Well, she had to face them sooner or later. The memory of this would never fade, not even after they turned her back into a human. She had to go through it even though it was hard and painful for her.
Xander looked disapprovingly at Angel. He hadn't known what to expect. Had he thought that Buffy would come skipping out of the basement in her usual positive way? No. No, especially since Buffy hadn't been either skipping or very positive even before she was murdered… turned, whatever. Still, he hadn't expected this. Buffy looked like a wild animal that had been thrown right into a circus arena. She screwed up her eyes against the sudden light, and it looked like Angel was holding her there with sheer force. What was going on?
"What's wrong with her?" he asked, harsher than he needed to be. He didn't mean it, really, but he was confused, and as usual when he spoke to Angel, he sounded angrier than he was.
"Xander!" Giles barked out. Buffy flinched slightly at his loud voice.
Willow elbowed him in the side, frowning. That was unnecessary. But she couldn't deny that she was shocked as well, shocked at the sight of what Buffy had been reduced to. Except for being pale – which was pretty much expected after all – she just looked so… small. Vulnerable. Where was the vicious predator now? Buffy was afraid, and ashamed, and disgusted with herself, all at once, and anyone could see it.
Angel glared back at Xander, a grim gleam in his eyes. He looked like… Willow remember seeing a female bear with cubs at a zoo once. If anyone made too much noise outside their pen, she had looked like that. Protective. Ready to defend with whatever means was necessary. That was what Angel looked like. Like someone protecting their young. Willow swallowed. He didn't just look like it. He was protecting his young.
"Nothing is wrong," Angel snapped sharply. "She is just a little confused. It's like this for everyone." Of course he meant "every vampire" but it wasn't necessary to point it out.
"Can agree to that," Spike said, emerging from the group. "How are you, pet?"
Was he worried? He sounded like he was worried. Buffy looked up at him but quickly lowered her gaze again. She didn't answer him. How could she? She didn't know what to say. She was felt so embarrassed. Her whole being was a living – no, dead – proof that she had failed, that she had given up. She had let herself get killed. At least the Slayers Spike had killed had stayed dead. Had anyone ever screwed up as badly as she? She couldn't remember ever hearing about a turned Slayer, so probably not.
"I think maybe it's a little too crowded in here," Angel said. "We're going for a walk," he declared, and Buffy breathed a sigh of relief. Yes, get away. Get out, and away from everyone's piercing glances. Did they have to come back at all?
As soon as they stepped outside, Buffy understood better than ever why vampires were called "creatures of the night". The fresh air, the silence, the dark – in which she could see perfectly… it made her feel exhilarated and happy. Carefree, like some of her heavy burdens had just been lifted off of her shoulders. She released her desperate clutch around Angel's arm and simply held his hand. The sadness from before was gone. At least for the time being.
"You know what? When you turn me back, I think this experience is gonna make me a better slayer than ever. Even if I have… um, have had, certain slayer powers, this is amazing."
"Hmm." Unfortunately, Angel knew that there was a downside to the amazing. Of course Buffy liked it right now. The feeling of being outside at night with her sire, it had a calming influence. Her demon was pleased and therefore, right now, so was she.
She was even stronger than before, had better reflexes, better senses and wouldn't suffer from any human weaknesses any more. Yeah, it didn't sound like such a bad deal right now. But it was in the day she would really comprehend how limited she was. She couldn't go outside in the sunlight, wouldn't reflect in mirrors, wouldn't taste any human food even if she tried to eat it… And then there was the fact of the demon that definitely wouldn't sit inside her quiet and timid. Not for long, anyway.
They were walking slowly down the street. A man was sitting on a park bench, and when he saw them he got up and walked away quickly. He looked like he was homeless, which would explain why he seemed to sense the danger – which two vampires definitely constituted as. It was how he survived. A person living outside in Sunnydale wouldn't survive for long if he didn't have his senses on high alert at all times. Angel felt Buffy stiffen in his grip as she followed the man with her eyes. The fleeing man, the scent of his fear – it awoke the demon with a start.
"Buffy… Buffy, look at me. Buffy!" He turned her around so she faced him instead of the fleeing man. He shook her a few times, jolting her out of the predatory instinct that had nearly taken over. She understood what had happened and looked regretful.
"Uh-oh," she said "I guess that would be the bloodlust."
"Yeah. I'm afraid it's attached to the demon, even if you have your soul. The only difference is, the soul is gonna make you feel guilty afterwards if you give in."
Buffy nodded slowly, looking uncomfortable again. The feeling of being wild and free came with something very dangerous, something she wasn't sure if she could have controlled if Angel hadn't been there. She felt very depressed again. Why couldn't things be like they used to?
Why couldn't she be dead, like she had wanted to?
"Come on," Angel said. "Let's go in that direction instead."
He removed his coat and but it over her shoulders, even though she technically didn't need it. She didn't have a body temperature after all. Always the gentleman, Buffy thought.
"Maybe I can start a collection of these things," she murmured, pulling the leather coat around her more tightly. Even if she didn't need it for warmth, the jacket was full of his scent, and she smelled it like she never had before.
Angel smiled sadly, his heart breaking all over again. Even now, even after everything he had done to her, she was still her, still Buffy. He put one arm around her, keeping her close. Right where she wanted to be.
"So what happens next?" she spoke again after a while. What she really wanted was getting away. Away from Sunnydale, her friends, everything that reminded of what had been… before. But if Angel really had a plan to turning her back into a human…
"About… um. Turning me back." She frowned. "How would that work?"
"Well, it's a long story…"
And during a good part of that night, Angel told her about it all.
