A/N: Yeah, I'm back. This is taking forever, huh? I want to update more often, but my stupid life keeps getting in the way, darn it. But here's a new chapter anyway. It was supposed to be even longer than this, but I chopped off the last section andI'm making it a new chapter, so the ending of this one here may be a little awkward. I have a feeling this is gonna be a long story, but that may not be a bad thing.
So please enjoy and R&R, because considering how many times I've redone this one (I stopped counting) I'd really like to know if it came out okay. I didn't get to write this one down first like I usually do, and sadly I don't have Tsume.hack's awesome ability to just sit down and throw out a great chapter off the top of my head. Okay, well, I'll shut up now. Get reading!
Moon's Herald
Chapter 8: Where is Paradise?
We were on the road to Stonewall for four days – four long days. Well, actually we were only on the road for three since it took the whole first day just to find it again, but you know what I mean. Traveling with the wolves was certainly a learning experience for me, though I did my best to prevent any learning at all from occurring. We did a lot of walking, slept at all odd hours of the day and night, and ate so little that it was very disorienting for someone who had spent her whole life on a strict routine. Whatever we did, I made sure to do it at least ten feet from the nearest wolf. When we walked, Kiba and Cheza usually led, followed by Tsume, then Hige and Blue, and then Toboe. I hung back behind all of them and kept silent, hoping not to be noticed. When we slept, I usually put a tree or a bush between me and them. And when we ate, I went off by myself and rooted around in the leaves for nuts or berries or anything else I could find. I didn't know how to hunt, after all, and as I'll explain later, I didn't really want to know.
I managed to get through the first day and a half this way before the pup started interfering in my solitude. That afternoon, as I was plodding along with my head down, silent as usual, I began to notice that Toboe kept looking back at me once in a while and walking a tiny bit slower each time. Scowling in annoyance because I knew what he was doing, I started dallying even more so that the distance between me and him increased, but then he would just slow to match me. Finally, when I had gotten down to practically a crawl and was having to drag my paws with excruciating deliberateness over the cold ground, the pup realized that if he ever wanted me to catch up to him, he'd better stop. I watched him just standing there and waiting, and I hoped he'd get bored and move on before I reached him. I willed him to do it: Go on kid, just go; keep walking. But no such luck.
"Hey, Foxie," said Toboe happily as I shuffled reluctantly up to him. I had half a mind to accelerate suddenly and just go right on past before he could say anything else, but I really didn't want to get any closer to the other wolves; and besides, the only way I could feel even a little safe was to be sure that none of them were behind me. I did speed up a little bit, though, to a leisurely walking pace, and Toboe just fell in beside me and continued, "Gee, you've been really quiet since yesterday. Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied tersely, staring straight ahead. We had lagged so much that we were only within shouting distance of the rest of the pack by now, but I didn't think that was necessarily a bad thing. I concentrated on the path and only half-listened as the pup talked. "Okay," he said, "but I just want you to know that if you ever need anything, I'll be glad to help you. Like if you felt sick or something . . . Are you sure you feel okay?"
"I said I did, didn't I?" I answered exasperatedly.
"Um, yeah. Sorry. I was just worried because you seemed so . . . well, quiet. And you looked kinda hungry this morning -"
"Hmph," I grunted, "well of course I was hungry; we barely stopped to eat at all yesterday. And forgive me for being quiet if I don't want to get yelled at again by Mr. 'Paradise-Isn't-For-Dogs.'" I made my voice all low and gravelly at the last part, mocking Tsume. He hadn't been very nice at all for the past day and a half; he'd only said about three words to me, and they had all been commands to hurry up and the like, barked out at me harshly and suddenly so that I jumped. I had also heard him making a few derogatory comments when he thought I wasn't listening. He gave me a weird, unpleasant feeling in the pit of my stomach that seemed oddly familiar, though I couldn't quite place it. It was almost like I wanted to cry. But I wouldn't let the old grouch see that; I'd avoid him instead. "That wolf is the most arrogant, rude, pushy sonofa-"
"Oh, no, Foxie!" cried Toboe. "I know Tsume's a bit rough on the outside, but he's actually pretty nice underneath all that. Sort of. I think he likes me at least a bit; he's saved my life before, y'know. I bet he'll like you too when he gets to know you better."
"Remember, kid, I'm not gonna be around that long."
"Oh, yeah." He actually sounded a little dejected. "Are you sure you'd rather go to this town than to Paradise? I mean, it doesn't matter what Tsume says. Cheza likes you. I know she likes you; she smiles at you all the time, but you just pretend not to notice. I bet she wants you to go to Paradise, and if she says it's okay, then it's okay! She's the Flower Maiden, after all."
I sighed. "There you go again with that Paradise stuff. Paradise, Paradise, Paradise, that's all I hear from you guys all day. What is Paradise, anyway, and why should you care so much if I don't want to go there?" Toboe stared at me as if I'd just sprouted another head. "You don't know what Paradise is? But I thought everyone knew! Even I did when I lived with my Granny. Didn't your farm have any crows to bring you news? They told me all kinds of things about the world beyond the city, and what other wolves were doing." Toboe had told me all about his old life the day before: how he had grown up in a city with an old lady he called his Granny, how she had given him his name and his bracelets, how he had lived alone on the streets for a long time after she died, until he joined up with Kiba and the others. When he had told me that, it had almost gotten to my heart – so much of what he said about the old lady showed that he loved her, the same way I loved the farmer and Michiru. In return I had told him, and the others if they happened to be listening in, very briefly and vaguely about my life on the farm before retreating into myself and ignoring them all for the next twenty-four hours.
Now I told the pup, "Hey, I didn't talk to the damn crows, I just chased them away from the crops. So I don't know about Paradise, so what? Are you going to tell me what it is or not? Not that I care if you don't; I just thought it might be nice to have a clue what everyone keeps going on and on about."
"Oh, sure!" Toboe replied, and then he launched into an excited description of Paradise, or more correctly, what he thought Paradise was like. Because apparently nobody had ever seen it, no one had ever been there. It was a legendary place that was beautiful and green and full of something called lunar flowers, and where wolves reigned supreme – they never had to worry about finding food or being alone, about being hunted or hated, and everyone had friends and family to love them. And, Toboe added with possibly even more glee, maybe humans and wolves would be at peace and could finally be friends there! He seemed so happy that I didn't have the heart to tell him that it all sounded like a load of crap. Instead I asked hesitantly, "Well, if nobody's ever seen this place, how do you know it's even really there?"
"Oh, it's there. How can you doubt it when Cheza's with us? She knows the way, and even though it's dangerous and it may take a really long time, I know we'll find Paradise someday." The pup's tail wagged wildly and he began almost prancing along the path in excitement.
"And just how does she know where it is?"
"Because she's the Flower Maiden."
"So you keep saying, but what does that mean?"
"Have you noticed how Cheza just smells like flowers, no human at all?" I nodded and he continued, "Well, that's because she's a lunar flower; she really is one. I know she looks human, but that's just because the humans made her that way with their . . . er, what's that word? I think it's . . . alchemy. I don't know exactly what that is, but that's what the others say. And since Cheza's a lunar flower and they grow in Paradise, Paradise calls to her and she can lead us to it." I just stared at him for a minute, speechless, before managing to say, "Oh." Toboe's explanation sounded even crazier than I had expected it to. I didn't understand how a bunch of grown wolves could believe in such a fairy tale and drag a pup along on a dangerous journey to go look for something that they'd certainly never find. Not only were they vicious and untrustworthy, but they were fools, too.
As soon as Toboe calmed down, he returned to my side and we walked in silence for a few more minutes, since I could no longer think of anything to say and the pup seemed content just to walk companionably beside me. He really was a nice kid, you know. I kinda wish I had learned to appreciate him sooner. But for the time being, I was only tolerating him because I basically had no choice. Out of all of the wolves, he confused me the most. Because he was friendly and had a good heart, and wolves weren't supposed to. I couldn't understand it, so I tried to think about it as little as possible and occupy my mind with something, anything else. I thought a bit about Cheza, who was sweet and kind and beautiful, and who really did smile at me a lot. I wasn't sure why I avoided her eyes, but it may have been because they filled me with a kind of peace and joy that scared me. Not even at home on the farm had I ever felt anything so perfect, and I didn't want anything the wolves had to be as good as what I had left behind – to think so would be treason on my family and my beloved teacher. I refused to be persuaded into not honoring their love and the lessons they had taught me, not for any space of time and not for any reason.
Just then, a loud holler from Tsume came from up ahead, making both me and Toboe look up. "Where the hell are you two!" yelled Tsume, sounding very pissed off. "You're slowing everyone down. Now hurry up before we leave you!" I sighed resignedly and picked up the pace, muttering nasty things about the gray wolf under my breath. Toboe hurried along, too, and I knew he was about to defend Tsume again until a call of, "Yeah, shake a leg, runt!" from Hige annoyed him enough to make him forget all about me as he yelled back, "Quit calling me that! I'm Toboe! TOBOE!" Hige just laughed in response to the pup's anger over the hated nickname; Toboe objected again, and soon the two were shouting back and forth across the space between the two groups and Tsume was threatening to beat the crap out of both of them if they didn't shut up. I hung my head and closed my eyes against a forming headache; this was gonna be a long trip.
I may as well just tell you now that what I said to Toboe that day about my being just fine was a complete and total lie. The headache I had gotten during Toboe's and Hige's fight hadn't been the first since we started out, and it refused to go away; it remained with me all through the rest of that day and night and well into the next afternoon because, I knew, it wasn't just a normal headache.
Like I said before, we didn't eat very often – just once a day if I was lucky – but none of the wolves knew what I ate when we did stop for a meal. Since the forest seemed for some reason to be remarkably void of all large game animals, such as deer, that could feed the pack for any great length of time, the wolves had lately gotten into the habit of splitting up to hunt for smaller prey and then meeting up again later to share what they'd caught. I admit that the first time they did this, my hunger got the best of me and I was about to join them – that is, until Tsume snapped that they didn't need my help and Blue, hearing a sudden rustle in the bushes nearby, pounced swiftly into the brush and brought down a large hare. Tsume had made me mad enough a moment before that I was already considering not going with them after all, but when I saw the black wolf trotting back toward us with the dead animal in her blood-covered jaws, its glassy eyes staring at me pitifully as its limp body swung back and forth with Blue's motion, it was the last straw. I froze, staring wide-eyed, for just a second before bolting blindly into the trees without a word to the others. None of them had been paying attention enough to see what had spooked me and I was a good distance away before they even realized I'd gone.
Within only a few minutes of fleeing the pack, I found a small thicket to hide myself in while I trembled and choked and tried to recover my senses. It was all too much like the sheep, you see – the hare's vacant eyes and the bloody mouth of the wolf recalled images of Getsuei's savagery to my mind and made me nauseous with fear and guilt. I stayed alone in my hideout for a long time before my stomach settled and my mind cleared enough for me to feel able to eat. That's when I finally crept out and began nosing around on the ground for nuts, berries, or anything else edible, a routine I was to continue for every meal to follow. The wolves almost never said anything when I slunk silently back into their midst after foraging and waited, eyes closed, on the fringes of the group for them to finish eating so we could move on. I never brought anything back for them, but I never asked for a share of their food, either, so they usually left me alone. Only Toboe sometimes asked questions, as you saw, when he noticed the glazed, tired look in my eyes that resulted from my meager diet of what really amounted to rodent food. I got headaches a lot and my stomach sometimes felt like an angry lynx was gnawing at it, but I still kept up my routine and hid my secret from the wolves, who were sure to laugh and scorn me if they found out. Not that I cared what they thought, but I did have to live with them for a while, you know.
It's not that I didn't like meat, you understand; I had eaten meat at the farmer's table quite often and it was my favorite treat aside from cranberry sauce (don't ask), but then again, that meat had never looked even remotely like anything that had ever been alive. Sure, I had killed before. There was that fox who once broke into the chicken coop and just wouldn't give up; the hawk with the broken wing that still insisted on attacking anyone who came within reach, even when they were trying to help, and that had nearly taken off little Michiru's nose; and I'm sure that countless others I fought with were so badly wounded before they ran off that they later died in the privacy of their dens or burrows. But those animals had all been killers, dangerous and malignant. The hare Blue had killed, and all the other animals that wolves in general preyed upon, were innocent and defenseless. They didn't hurt anybody; they didn't deserve such a fate, to be tortured with fear as they ran for their lives from a beastly killing machine that they could never hope to escape without intervention. I had been there for the sheep, but the hare had had no one to protect it.
I couldn't watch the wolves eat, and I couldn't do what they did, even if it meant going hungry. I knew they did this sort of thing all the time and it was nothing to them, but it stood against everything I had grown up believing. I was a protector of prey, and though I was basically useless now that I had nobody but myself to protect, old habits die hard. The thought of chasing down some poor little animal and pouncing on it; of biting its neck till warm, metallic blood coated my lips and bones snapped under my teeth; of tearing into flesh still warm from an extinguished life rather than from a cook fire . . . it all made me sick. If the others wanted to do it, fine, but I would personally rather eat a rabbit's food than the rabbit.
I'm telling you all this not to bore you to death, as you may have been thinking, but because (oddly enough) all this angst on my part was to drag me closer to the wolves rather than push me farther away, as I'd hoped. Go figure.
It was the third evening of our journey, and we had finally stopped to eat again after fasting since around noon the day before. I was famished and dizzy, and I could hardly wait to find myself some acorns, even though they were not at all filling and they tasted like shit. Cheza, whom I had never seen eat even once during our whole trip, immediately found herself a tree root to sit on while she waited wait for everyone to come back from hunting, as she did every time. And as they did every time, the wolves began to debate over who should stay and wait with her; Cheza was never allowed to stay by herself, being vital to and practically worshipped by all the wolves. They would never risk anything happening to her. Kiba had stayed behind last time, and it looked like tonight it would be Hige's turn. I didn't really listen to the discussion; I had a pounding headache again and didn't really feel like doing anything just now, so I padded over to the softest pile of leaves I could find and lay down heavily, closing my eyes. It wasn't until Cheza began to run her fingers through my fur and scratch behind my ears that I realized my leaf pile happened to be right next to her. I was a bit startled, but the girl smelled nice and her caresses felt so good that I decided to stay put.
The wolves continued talking for a few more minutes and I had almost forgotten about them when Cheza suddenly interrupted their conversation by suggesting softly, "Maybe Foxfire could stay with this one tonight." There was a general, "Huh?" and the wolves all turned to us, looking a little taken aback. "Is that really what you want, Cheza?" Kiba asked gently. He didn't look as outraged as Tsume did, more like this was just a rather interesting idea that had never occurred to him. The girl smiled and answered, "Yes, this one would like it very much." Kiba looked a bit unsure, and Tsume huffed, "Puh! She doesn't look like she's even awake right now! How can she keep watch?"
"I can hear, you know," I retorted with my eyes still closed. "I caught half the animals that snuck up on the sheep that way; I can hear them and smell them even when I doze off a bit. But I'm just resting my eyes now, so go on and do your thing. We'll be right here when you get back." I totally hadn't expected Cheza to ask for me to stay with her, but I wasn't going to turn down a chance to rest. I was way too tired even to go foraging, but even though I had no idea where my dinner would come from that night, I couldn't motivate myself to move. I was staying one way or the other.
"Yes, go on," said Cheza. "We will be just fine." Kiba gazed at the Flower Maiden uncertainly for another moment before inevitably relenting. One thing you learned fast about Kiba was that he could hardly deny Cheza anything. I mean, all the wolves seemed spellbound by her, but he was the worst. "Alright, then," the white wolf said, coming up and giving Cheza a lick on the cheek before leaning down to me and adding, "Call for us if anything goes wrong." His intense golden gaze disconcerted me so much that I could barely stutter out that I would. The other wolves seemed to agree with Kiba's decision for the most part, except Tsume, who cried, "You can't be seriously considering this, Kiba!" The wolves usually tended to follow Kiba, though he wasn't really their leader (Toboe had explained that they didn't actually have one – another reason why they were so weird) and the other pack members were always free to disagree or refuse if they wanted. This being the case, Kiba didn't reply to Tsume, but just turned without a word and raced swiftly off into the forest, leaving the gray wolf to make his own decision. Hige went in another direction a moment later; then Tsume also left, with a disgusted snort, and Toboe and Blue went their own way. I heard the pup start to say something to Blue, but his voice soon faded with distance. I was glad when quiet settled over the forest after their departure.
Cheza's hands never stopped their gentle caresses. It was amazing; she seemed to know exactly where to scratch and where to stroke, what was sore or achy. I could almost forget how hungry I was when I was with her. I could almost forget . . . everything. The sudden occurrence of that thought startled me so much that my body jerked and I half-rose in fright, anxiously dragging into my consciousness images of Michiru and the farmer, Thorny and Tsuta; I hastily recalled the sounds of their voices, their odd personality quirks, anything, and was relieved enough when I found that it was all still there in my mind to lay back in the leaves again while I waited for my heart rate to settle back down to normal. Cheza's touch had been gone for only a moment when I started up, and as soon as I relaxed again, she went back to smoothing my fur. A soft sigh escaped me, too soft to be audible, or so I thought until the flower-girl spoke.
"You are sad," she observed simply in a voice that was gentle as a breeze and full of sympathy. It surprised me so much that I raised my head to look at her. Not that I didn't think the fact was painfully obvious, but I was surprised that she had noticed it, as she was always at the front of the pack with Kiba or having her attention taken up by the other wolves. When she had taken a moment to smile at me, I had always looked away and ignored her. She wasn't angry? After looking into her concerned pink eyes for a few seconds, I slowly lowered my gaze to the ground, sighing, "Yeah, kinda." Then I lay my head back on my paws in a gesture of dismissal. There was nothing she could do, and I really didn't want any pity. Pity was a useless emotion; it never made a difference.
There was a soft rustle as Cheza slid off her perch and sat down in the leaves next to me, her knee touching my side. She was very warm, more than most humans. Curious, I looked up again, and the girl gave me a little scratch under the chin before gently taking my head in her hands and turning it so she could look right into my eyes. "You are afraid, too . . . . This one knows you miss them. Of course you do. It is only right to feel sad when we lose someone we love . . . ." She got a far away look in her eyes for just a moment and she looked away. "This one still thinks sometimes about the other flowers that went before, the ones they made first and then threw away, and misses them. They were this one's sisters. They died so that this one could live." I felt a lump rising in my throat, though I couldn't explain why. The girl's eyes looked sad, so sad, and I couldn't help feeling suddenly that she knew exactly what I was going through and that she genuinely shared my grief as if it were her own. She looked back at me before continuing, "But your loved ones are not gone; they're still alive somewhere, and you should take comfort from that. You will always love and miss them, Foxfire, and that's alright. That's good. But you must know that there is room enough in your heart for them and others."
"W-what?" I whispered shakily, fighting back raging emotions that threatened to escape me as pathetic whimpering. The memories of my family had suddenly come back with a new force, and while I was glad to know I could still remember them, the thought that I'd never see them again now began to hurt worse than it ever had before. The girl said, "You have a good heart, Foxfire, a big heart that can love many and is destined for great things. This one sees how you struggle, how you are confused . . . . It is the same struggle that Blue went through when she first joined us."
My ears pricked up at this. "Blue? She felt like I do? But w-why?"
"She, too, comes from a different world. Unlike the others, she is only a half-wolf and was raised by humans. The man who raised her hated wolves and used her to hunt them; as far as we know, he is still hunting us. Blue had grown up believing that wolves were evil, but when this one met her and told her the truth about herself, she felt she needed to come away and find out more about her other half. She thought at first that she only had the ability to love one or the other, man or wolf, but you see her now; she is very much a part of our pack and is devoted to Hige, but she still loves the human who was a father to her and misses him terribly. She hopes he will be our friend one day, too, and then she can truly be a part of both worlds." I stared, and then looked down at the dry, crackling leaves between my paws. "Wow," I breathed, "I had no idea." When I looked back at her, I saw that she was once again smiling sweetly at me.
"And so it is for you," Cheza continued. "You can love the ones you have lost and the ones you will find. They will always be a part of you. You don't have to choose. You don't have to fear who you are."
Now, I wasn't stupid; don't think I didn't know what she was really saying. She still thought I was a wolf, even though I had explained to them all about Getsuei (leaving out all the strange details, I assure you) on the first day. I knew it had to be him the wolves were smelling on me, but they seemed reluctant to take my word for it. Hell, like I wouldn't know better than them what I was! Whatever. If they wanted to be all suspicious, it was their problem; I didn't have the patience or the desire to keep defending myself to them. But the things Cheza was saying were doing something to my confidence, making me falter. She seemed to know my heart almost better than I did and she was bringing to light fears I hadn't even known I had till she mentioned them. How had she known that I worried about forgetting or betraying my family? That was part of why I had never acknowledged her smiles; I never told her, but somehow she knew. I shivered. What else did she know?
Gasping with sudden unease, I abruptly tore my gaze away from the Cheza's and shook myself, trying to clear my mind. For a moment there, I had felt myself begin to open up to the flower-girl; her eyes and her words were soothing and begged my trust and acceptance, but I couldn't give them to her, no matter how kind she was. No, no, she's just mistaken, too, I told myself firmly. It was just that Blue had acted the same way when she first came out here. The maiden was just remembering Blue's problem and projecting her old fears onto me, getting herself a little confused. It was an easy enough mistake to make, I supposed. This was a completely different situation, though. Blue had turned out to be a half-wolf and had adjusted to a wolf's life just fine, it seemed, but she was not me.
It was very kind of the Flower Maiden to try to help, though. I had to tell her how I felt about all this, but I would be sure to do it nicely. Looking sidelong at Cheza and choosing my words carefully, I said, "Thank you, Cheza. Really. I understand, and I'll try and remember that when I get to Stonewall. I know there must be someone there who'll take in a stray. My new humans will be different, but that doesn't mean I won't be happy with them. Maybe the town will even be as enjoyable as the country in some ways. I'll try my best to love them at least almost as much as I loved my old family."
Silence greeted my words, and when I finally dared to glance at Cheza, I saw that she was staring bleakly at her hands, which were clasped in her lap. She knew I had gotten the true meaning of her words and had just twisted them to imply something completely different, and she was crestfallen. "So," she whispered, "you still wish to hide." I opened my mouth to object, but closed it again when I realized there was nothing I could say that would both be honest and make her feel better. I had to make her understand that all this stuff with wolves, Paradise, and lunar flowers had nothing to do with me, and I was going to go back to where I belonged. Still, I hated seeing her sad like that, so I lay my head in her lap to comfort her and she began stroking my fur again. "Hide if you must, my friend," she murmured almost inaudibly, "but this one will miss you when we are gone, and wish you were with us at the gates of Paradise."
And so we waited, knowing we wanted to be close to one another and yet knowing all too well how wide a chasm stood between us.
