OH MY FREAKING WORD! I've actually UPDATED! Yes, I'm aware this makes you both semi-like me and completely hate me. Half of you want me to update something else, but you see, I'm totally at loss for inspiration. I thought of this on my way home from school and popped it all out tonight! Thank goodness I didn't have work or the idea would have rotted in my brain until it was unusable. This one is a little darker than the other chapters (believe it) and I think a lot of you may not like what I've stuck in. But this is what I want the story to be about. And some character notes:
Kagome is so EXTREMELY OOC, but at the same time, wouldn't anyone be changed, living her life? And it's not like she acts so outwardly different, she's just different inside. BUT, she still has that pureness of heart that makes her Kagome, it's just buried under a lot of loneliness and hurt right now. When you feel alienated by your own family and when you're carefully constructed reality is like a bad fairy tale, it takes a lot to bring back the girl who can make someone like Inuyasha believe in things again. So first will come him dragging her down, before (maybe, if I decide to make the happy ending) her pulling him up.
We see the first insight to Inuyasha's character in this chapter! Believe me, he's not so much of a nice person right now. But he's not all bad either! Gah, I don't know how to explain it. Yes, he says harsh things, BUT is he really mean in how he says them? Or has he been mean in other chappies?
Sango and Miroku have their cameo! Be forewarned, it's not too pretty, it could have been uglier but even my stomach churned. I just can't write some things in detail. It makes me angry.
Okay, that's it! PLEASE don't hate me for taking forever! I honestly am trying! I just want to put out chapters that say what I want them too. (I just don't know what that is).
She'd went for a walk.
Not a long one, fifteen, twenty minutes tops. It was still light out when she'd made it back home. She hadn't gone very far either, just to the bridge and back. And if she'd spent ten minutes staring over the edge, feeling an almost aching hunger, what did it matter? Walks were normal.
But when she slipped inside, intending to make it to her room, her dad cornered her in the hallway. He wasn't actually blocking her, but he'd made eye contact and to push past him would be a cruel, purposeful act of disrespect. "Where'd you go?" He asked lightly. He must have been talking to her mom recently; the lines on his face were more defined.
She shrugged. "No where in particular. I just felt like moving around a little. I've been so cooped up lately." Not entirely true, but parties didn't count. "Why? Did you need me for something?" She looked up expectantly, waiting for an answer or a dismissal.
He shook his head slowly. "No." He drew out the word, forcing her to keep her attention on him. "Are you okay?" He asked finally, looking at her with those clear, old eyes she hated. He used to mask them more, but now the effort seemed too much. He probably felt safe around her. Of course she was strong enough to watch the breaking down of a man she'd admired and respected all her life. Of course she could be the strong one for her father. Of course it didn't hurt when his eyes asked her for what she couldn't give. Of course.
"Of course." She answered, giving him a hesitant smile. She didn't want to dismiss him outright, but she didn't like the seriousness of his voice. "Why wouldn't I be?"
He shrugged again, shoulders sagging. "I don't know." He whispered. His arm moved, as if to run a hand through his hair, but dropped after little effort. "You just seem so tired lately. So drawn out. As if you're tired of life." He wasn't looking at her, he was staring at the wall. And he wasn't talking to her either. She knew better than that.
He was the one tired. He was the one who'd disappear for an hour or two, coming back only to fall asleep on the couch. He was the one who couldn't cope with reality. She wasn't the one losing herself in emotions she should have got used to feeling by now. In her mind she judged him harshly, almost cruelly, but that he'd pushed his insecurities, weaknesses and insufficiencies onto her made her angry.
"I'm fine." She said shortly, eyes hooded. She'd never expected approval or pride from her parents, but she hated hearing their attempts to find failure with her. She wasn't allowed to be happy because they weren't. It was impossible that she was fine. But she was. She was happy and fine and not so tired of life she'd make a spectacle of herself.
He didn't say anything. Like he didn't believe her or something. But of course he didn't, because it was him that he was talking about in the first place, and he knew he wasn't fine. He judged himself through her. Never mind that it stung. He pushed his way past her and headed to his room. She didn't follow, didn't even move. It wasn't until she was breathing normally again and her eyes stopped hurting that she made her feet take her to her room, where the music pushed and pushed inside her until she was forced to forget the rejection she felt.
Lots of things didn't matter at parties. Like names, or parents, or where you worked, unless you were great enough that they made a positive difference. It didn't matter what school you went to either. Kagome's school and their rival often went to the same parties. She didn't even know which students were which, unless the guys were talking sports. Some faces were unfamiliar enough that she could guess, but even then she wasn't sure. And yeah, she wanted to stand out to the right people, but sometimes anonymity was good.
She didn't even know whose home she was in. Hiten, Yura, and all the other major partiers from her school were there, and when Hiten himself had mentioned it to her as they passed in the hall, she'd known she had to go. It was too far to walk, and since Kouga was off again with Ayame she opted to take the bus. She made it there about half way through midnight.
It was officially a big party. And she had officially been singled out by the guy who made everything official. She was dressed for the occasion in dark jeans and a dark blue spaghetti strap. It would be social suicide to look excited about something the people she was around took for granted. It would make her look awkward, immature, and annoying. So instead of dressing to impress, she wore something that made her look good, and even better, made her look like she didn't care. She accented the look with multi-beaded blue bracelets on her right wrist and a topaz choker around her neck. Her hair was straightened, falling lightly against her bare skin.
Most of the people were already there. Not many of them had to worry about sneaking out or transportation. She wove through the crowds, flashing a rehearsed smile at the few suggestive comments thrown in her direction. It wasn't too long until she saw Hiten, surrounded by a group of his usual cronies, and a few guys she hadn't seen before. Tossing her hair, she stared fixedly at anywhere other then him, and attempted to nonchalantly pass him. It wasn't the girl's job to give attention to the guy; he was supposed to approach her. Especially since she was there because of him.
She wasn't surprised when he didn't call out to her as she passed. What did surprise her was that after she'd already started to leave him behind, a hand reached out and grabbed her by her unadorned wrist. "Kagome." His voice held no warmth when he said her name. There didn't even seem to be any inflection in it. But all the same, she turned to face him, lips curving into an approving smile. "How long have you been here?"
She shrugged, almost delicately. "I don't know, I wasn't paying attention." She made her voice lazy, disinterested in the all too normal line of conversation. "Anything interesting happen?" She slid her eyes from Hiten and scanned the rest of the group. Some were smiling at her, others absorbed in their own conversations, and a few met her gaze with little or no interest.
He shook his head. "Want a beer?" He asked, gesturing to the refreshment table in full view. It would have been hard to sneak something nonalcoholic so she shook her head and he turned away. That easy. It was that easy to be dismissed. She knew better than to try and pursue a dead conversation. And since he'd been the last one to ask a question, the blame didn't lie with her. It wouldn't lie with him either, because of his standing, but at least she wasn't completely shoved aside.
She was about to turn and leave when the group next to the erupted explosively. "I said SHUT UP and piss off!" A tall, tanned, athletic looking girl, wearing jeans and a black top much like Kagome's, glared vehemently at the bleach haired boy in front of her. The idiot still had a self-assured smile on his face, either too stupid or too drunk to realize that she wasn't being coy with him.
He reached for her, for what seemed to be the second or third time, and the girl went even more livid. Ponytail flying, she picked up a bottle from a nearby tray and flung it in his face. It didn't shatter, but it cracked with a sickening THUD against his face. His nose spurted and he stumbled back, his friends stepping forward quickly to support him if he fell. He glared at her, and might have even tried to swing at her, but she'd already turned and left him, clearly telling the world he wasn't even worth gloating over.
Most of the kids didn't even seem surprised. A few she knew from her own school were staring open mouthed. She wasn't that obvious, but she knew her eyes were wide. She'd never seen a girl meet an unwelcome advance with so much resistance. Hiten saw her staring and grinned, easing her back into his company.
"That," he gestured towards the retreating girl, "Would be Sango. Pride and Joy of the women's basketball team we can't stand." A couple of the guys snorted.
"She's actually relatively new to the school." One of them, probably from the opposing school, spoke up. "She went like 2 years ago, but dropped out. She came back at the beginning of this year and joined the team. She used to be this scrawny little freshman, but now she's practically butch."
One of the taller guys, with shoulder length blonde hair, shook his head. "No way. She's too hot to be butch."
A shorter one next to him snorted. "Trust me, butch can be hot. Extremely hot."
"What'd she drop out for?" A senior from Kagome's school wanted to know. He'd been eyeing the other girl in a way that wasn't at all appropriate. "Bad grades? Pregnant?" The last part had a leer to it.
The first guy half laughed half coughed. "Not exactly." His grin was malicious. "Stupid girl went to a party a little too grown up for her and got a little too drunk. Some guys roughed her up a bit, maybe played around a little." At the laugh from his schoolmates he corrected himself.
"Okay, maybe played around a lot. In any case, she wasn't as ready as she thought to party and wouldn't even show up for school the next day. A couple of the guys even called her," his eyes glinted. "Just to check up on her, but she wouldn't talk to them. I guess she got herself some self-defense classes and maybe some psyche stuff to give her a backbone, cause when she came back, she didn't let anybody mess with her."
He gave a sigh that would make a martyr proud. "She can't even take a joke." Then he grinned. "But she's hot and she's entertainment, our own personal tough girl mascot. And she wins basketball games." He added as an afterthought. The guys laughed, Hiten loudest of all, loosely draping his arm around Kagome's shoulders as he took another drink from his nearly empty bottle.
She smiled weakly. Her knees shook but she forced herself to stand steady. She felt sick. If the topic didn't change soon she knew she'd throw up. A freshman girl gang raped while drunk at a party. And the guys were laughing about it. In a horrible way, it made complete sense. They were all about having a good time and to people like them, the more twisted the better. But the face that it was so utterly normal made it even more perversely and disgustingly wrong.
"Charges were never pressed, of course." The guy threw in. "Not only were the guys careful not to leave evidence, her own parents wouldn't believe her. They let her home school because she refused to leave the house. But her mom told her sewing society that she thought she was making it up to get attention."
Hiten shook his head. "Man, that's classic. Go figure. Besides, prudes never go far." He grinned slyly and looked at the girl under his arm. "What about you? To hear Kouga complain of it, you don't even kiss. Are you sure you're at the right party?" He made his voice mocking, almost meanly so.
She twisted her head to face him and played his game. "You're the one who wanted me to come." She smiled slightly, still fighting nausea. "Does that mean something?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Kouga's all talk. He'll never commit to anything while Ayame lives and breathes." Small lie. He'd cheated on Ayame before. Kagome was unforgivable though. She knew the pretty junior had been jealous of her ever since she and Kouga had started hanging out more regularly.
"Maybe he invited you," the guy who'd told Sango's story threw in. "But maybe you should practice a little. Hiten here's picky, he doesn't need to train a beginner."
"Yeah," the blonde one laughed. "That's what we're here for." Everyone laughed appreciatively and Kagome grabbed for an out.
"Well," she kept the smile plastered on. "While you guys discuss how to handle my virginity, I'm gonna go grab a drink, and maybe some ice from the kitchen." She gave a small wave, but then walked away without turning back. Her stomach was churning and she was afraid she'd start heaving then and there.
She grabbed a bottle to dump out and refill and made her way towards the kitchen. She crossed the tiled floor and started emptying the beer into the sink before she realized someone else was with her. "Oh!" She jumped, almost dropping the bottle in surprise. Sango blinked back at her, filling her own coors light with orange juice.
As if she hadn't felt sick enough, now someone had caught her red-handed breaking party rule number one. Drink until you're too drunk to stop. But at least that someone was guilty of the same crime. Kagome smiled weakly, not wanting to alienate the other girl, even in an act of self preservation. She swallowed the lie and gestured with her empty bottle. "Tricks of the trade, I guess." Her voice was breathy. A combination of her nausea and surprise at getting caught.
The other girl smiled, a starling contrast to the fiery display earlier. "Something like that, I suppose. It never hurts to be able to think coherently at a party." That statement could have all sorts of double meanings, with her history. She finished filling her bottle, and crossed the room to fill Kagome's. "Our secret." She added, and Kagome nodded, relieved.
They both took a drink, but turned simultaneously as another guest entered the kitchen. "There you are, Sango!" The guy oozed charm, but there was some sincerity to it as he crossed the room with a smile. "I saw Onigumo's broken nose, so I figured you were here somewhere."
She glanced at his bottle. "What number is that? Getting drunk again Miroku?" She was tense, in spite of her light tone. Kagome could see her free hand clenching and unclenching. Was it contact with any boy that stressed her out, or was it just the one.
He grinned sheepishly. "Not drunk, my dear, just slightly tipsy. See, if I didn't, then I'd never find a girl to replace you each night. And then where would I be?" He looked at her pitifully.
"Still a virgin." Sango's voice was dry, but there was no anger to it. She relaxed slightly, her hand becoming still. Apparently as long as he stayed on his side of the room, she was fine.
He didn't bother defending himself. "Exactly. You're cruel you know." He glanced at Kagome. "But there is a chance for redemption. Who's your friend?" He gave her a friendly smile that had the nerve to seem innocent.
Sango didn't even answer him, instead she turned her attention to Kagome. "Be careful." She told her seriously. "He'll drop you like rock tomorrow. A heavy, ugly, brittle rock that will shatter to pieces if you cared about him at all." There was a smile playing on her lips, but it didn't reach her eyes. Her eyes looked as though a smile hadn't reached them in a long time.
Miroku gave her a reproachful look. "Sango! I'm hurt! I would never do anything a girl didn't want me to do!"
"Trouble is," Sango leaned sideways to murmur in Kagome's ear. "He'll make you want it. Just like he's done to every other poor girl." She was still smiling though, so Kagome doubted it was really as bad as it could be. He wasn't bleeding yet.
She excused herself to let the two of them banter in that almost friendly way, to let Sango try to be normal without an audience, and started to feel a little better. But she tried to avoid Hiten and the rest of the crowd, but it was hard. They were the type of people who were everywhere. After hours of entering and excusing herself from different groups, she still wasn't feeling that much better. She saw Miroku with a bunch of guys, and then later Sango, with girls who seemed to be her teammates.
Eventually she saw Hiten and the others again. Kouga was with them. All of them were catcalling as a drunk, or doped up, Kagura finished flinging off her shirt and dumped an entire bottle of beer over her head. He flowed through her hair and down her shoulders, streaking against her black bra, and finally gathering up at her belt. Kouga gave a wolf whistle, and laughed something crude that began with, "Even if she is my cousin . . ."
Hiten slapped Kouga on the back appreciatively, Kagura passed out on top of some seniors from the other school, people tossed around suggestions, another girl tried to take Kagura's place but was roughly pushed aside. People started pressing against each other, not in beat to the music, but just to get physically closer.
She backed away from the gathering, pushing threw the people waiting to join the frenzy. The air was thick with all kinds of smoke, and Hiten's laughter rang in her ears, somehow finding it's way to her vocal cords and choking her.
She raced up the steps to the top floor of the house and all but threw herself in the first room she saw. It was empty so she crossed the carpeted floor quickly and took vigil by the window, breathing heavily. She felt sick again, and angry. More angry then she'd ever let herself feel in public. Her anger called up visions of her father, Hitens leering face as he heard about Sango, the terrible story that everyone had laughed, laughed at.
She didn't know how long she'd stood there, staring out that window with a stark, undirected fury, before someone opened the door. The roles were reversed. Framed by the light from the hall, the darkness of the room still didn't let her see his face. But she recognized the silver glint in his hair. If he was going to say anything, she beat him to it.
"Life sucks, then you die. Right?" She demanded. "If anyone had any self-respect, any love for themselves at all, they'd put themselves out of their misery and not bother with the rest of stupid, perverse, horribly, sinfully, disgustingly evil sheep out there." Her breathing was ragged, but she didn't care. "What's the point, either you're hurting someone or someone's hurting you. Masochism and Sadism are practically the same thing. It just hurts. It doesn't care who it's hurting, it just hurts."
Part of her demanded an answer from him. The other part was mortified at what she'd done. In four long strides he crossed the room until he stood across from her. His amber eyes were so intense she felt chills go down her spine, but she refused to look away.
"Life sucks, then you die." He repeated her words to her, his voice clear and strong. "It just hurts. That's exactly how it is. Life hurts. All we get to do is decide who hurts the most." He believed every word he said, and while she half wanted to protest, to deny even her own accusations against reality, what he said was so concrete. It made sense. It was solid, she could grasp it.
I don't want to hurt. She almost said the words, but pride held her back. She knew he'd think less of her if she voiced such a weakness, and she wanted to be strong. Wasn't that the first step to getting rid of the pain? So she didn't say it, didn't cry, didn't even let herself break away from his gaze until she'd spoken back to him. "I know." She said, her voice every bit as firm as his had been.
She turned away and curled up on top of the bed on the opposite side of the room. "I know." She whispered again to herself, hugging herself as tight as she could until her body relaxed of its own accord. He'd been staring out the window, but just as she was drifting off to sleep, she thought he looked back at her. But she could have been dreaming.
OKAY
So?
What'd you think of that? See, yeah, it might seem strange and unnatural, but some situations ARE strange and unnatural by their very nature. And that thing with Sango? If any of you don't believe it can happen, trust me, it can. I had a friend in high school who was first raped after a party by a guy friend (and her parents didn't believe her) and then was later gang raped. But by that time she figured what was the point, that nobody cared either way anyway, so she never reported them. Ugly things happen, and people take them in stride every day. So maybe some of you think I should have written it uglier, and maybe I should have, but it makes me so angry I can't dwell on it. Just stating it is as ugly as I can make it. And I don't know what you guys are gonna think about Kagome's reaction to everything either, but honestly, I can see that reaction. Especially from someone who thinks she's playing a drugs, sex, and alcohol game, but realizes she's supposed to play along with things like rape.
Oh, and Inuyasha's seemingly random bit of insight and conversational skills? Yeah, he's going through stuff too that make him more loose tongued then he might normally be.
Anyways! Lemme know what you think, please? You'll never know how much it means to me to read what you guys THINK! Like when something clicks and you say, "Yeah, I've felt like that," or when you can imagine a situation or when it's familiar, all that makes me shiver with joy! SO lemme know!
Rogue Pryde.
