Re: reviews... thanks katter! :)
I completely agree, Lady ot Rings, no Carl equals earthwide destruction.
Spaztic Arwen... Young Frankenstein is one of my favourite movies ever! I love Gene Wilder and Mel Brooks!
Carnicirthial, yeah it was an honest mistake! Well maybe not exactly honest.... yeah, honest. To say the least, I was pleased when people thought it was just part of the story. I mean, how random can you get? Putting a chapter from an entirely different book in the middle of an almost-plotline? Maybe I should just take credit for it, though I think if I really was that random, I'd have serious difficulty making it through everyday life.
Nikoru Sanzo, thanks for the review— Carl's not really getting married. OR IS HE? (Dun dun duuunnnnn....)
MariAmber, my autograph is on tour right now with Paul McCartney, so it'll have to get back to you on that... (I've been practicing! Spelling my own name! Pretty bad, huh?)
And finally, RogueCajun— YES that line is from the Young Ones! I love the Young Ones! I love Rik Mayall! He's the only man I've ever fallen in love at first sight with... quite seriously! And when I say "seriously" I mean other people's seriously, not just my seriously, so, y'know, you can tell that I'm seriously— serious. I rip off lines from Rik probably more than anyone else, except perhaps Douglas Adams. (Oh, and where's Van Helsing and the TCS? I've been waiting for it!)
"Make—It—Stop" included as tribute to the person who runs my most favouritest (not really a word) website, Dessicated Coconut. Hilarious! Really! See, I'm using exclamation marks as proof!
Chapter Seven: A Cardinal and a Count
Dracula stared at Van Helsing as though he were an idiot— which, lets face it, wasn't far wrong.
"Are you serious?" he said.
"Serious about what?" asked the monster hunter dimly.
"I mean, are you joking?"
"Why, are you laughing?"
"After all this time, after all ve've been through together, I come back after being killed and the first thing out of our mouth is, Vhy the accent?"
"You mean, why the accent."
Dracula stared at him. "Shut up!" he said, sounding briefly like John Cleese. "I've come for help, not an elocution lesson."
"Hey, you sound just like John Cleese," said Carl, pointing at him.
"Listen, monk—" said the Count, turning on him threateningly.
At this strategically ambiguous moment, a shriek rang out.
"Dracula!"
They all turned to see Cardinal Jinette, doing some serious hyperventilating. "Draculaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Dddddddddddddd-rrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaa-culaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaaaa! Auuuugh!!!"
At this point Van Helsing gave his superior a hefty slap across the face, silencing him and knocking his silly hat of in the process, which was an unexpected bonus. The assembled monks tried not to laugh at Jinette's patently ridiculous comb-over.
"It's a little late for freaking out," said Van Helsing sternly. "He's been here for five minutes already."
"Ah— er— yes," gulped the Cardinal, wiping sweat off his brow. "Er— quite. Well, er—" He clasped damp palms together and gave a sickly grin. "Can I offer you something to drink, Count Dracula, p'raps some wine?"
"Thank you," said Dracula formally, "but I do not drink— vine."
There was a pause while a million readers rolled their eyes. The ghost of the Writer's Avatar shimmered briefly in the air and gave a sheepish grin.
"Sorry," she said, "I've always wanted to do that."
"Well now you have," said the readers, "so will you please refrain from doing it again?"
"I do not drink— vine," said Dracula immediately.
"Hey!" said the readers.
"It was him!" said the Writer, pointing at him. "Not me! Drac did it on his own! Sorry—"
"Go away," said the readers.
"Geez, I said I was sorry," said the Writer, flickering out of existence again.
"Well, now that we've gotten past all that," said Carl, "why are you here, Dracula?"
"He knows," said the Count, pointing at the Cardinal. Jinette leapt guiltily.
"How does he know?"
"Why would he know?" Van Helsing asked.
"I— I didn't want to tell you this," said Jinette, "but— Dracula and I— we— we have a— c— "
"A canoe?" said Van Helsing sharply.
"No!"
"A cat," said Carl.
"NO!"
"A canary."
"A cook-out."
"A carriage."
"A caftan."
"A cork."
"A—" said Van Helsing blankly, having run out of words. "A— aaaaaaaaaaa— something else beginning with C."
"A connection!" howled Jinette. "We have a connection!"
He took a minute to comprehend the quizzical look on Van Helsing's face and the disgusted one on Carl's.
"A mental connection," he added quickly. The disgusted look relaxed— the quizzical one stayed. "I— can tell what he's thinking, and he can order me about."
"Why?" said Carl sharply.
"I'd rather not go into that."
"So— what is he thinking now?"
Jinette stared at Dracula, who stared back with intense eyes.
MINDMELD MINDMELD MINDMELD
"Oh no," said Jinette helplessly.
"What? What is it? What— what are you doing?"
Jinette began to bob his head to some unheard rhythm— his left hip began to move rather peculiarly, which is more of a feat than it sounds as he'd had it replaced with a metal one years ago. Soon, before Carl and Van Helsing's horrified eyes, he was doing some odd set of motions that involved complicated gyrations of his entire body.
"Good God," said Van Helsing, hiding his eyes.
"Its—" said Carl, staring in morbid fascination. "Its— it can't be—"
"It is," said Dracula evilly. "The— Macarena."
The orchestra and choir that had been hired to provide ambient music spiked dramatically at this point. This scared the monks, who began to panic rashly.
"Don't freak!" yelled the Smallish Fattish Monk. "Just— just follow Jinette! Do what the Cardinal does!"
"This is bad," said Van Helsing.
"Very bad," agreed Carl, staring in wide-eyed fascination at the Macarena-ing Vatican.
Van Helsing turned to Dracula. "Make them stop. Tell me what you want me to do, I'll do anything, but— make them stop!"
"Vhy?" said Dracula. "This is a Kodak moment if ever I haff seen vun."
"Quit speaking out of century and make— it— stop!"
The words rang out in the still air.
