Today I wrote a letter to Neil Gaiman. Go me! Welcome to geekdom, Random!
Oasis' Champagne Supernova is playing in the background. Random enters.
Random: (striking a pose) Ah! To update, I hasten! Because I have got crap-all reviews on the last chapter! Actually that's not true. People seemed to quite like David Wenham's shirtless/stubble/squirrel ensemble. I will be notifying Dwen forthwith, and it is my considered opinion that there will soon be a subclause in his contract: that he work only with squirrels. It is all good.
Frodo: Faramir! You must let me go!
Faramir: (looking up, screaming) SQUIRRELS!
Or:
Van Helsing: Carl, you're a genius!
Carl: A genius with access to unstable squirrels!
Or:
Audrey: Stop stop stop! Stop that insufferable droning, you're gumming up my squirrels! (ew, mental image)
Or:
SamFlynn: Oh, squirrels.
Random: That didn't make sense, I'm sure, to those of you who've never beheld the full glory of SamFlynn saying "Sugar" at least fifteen times in the Crocodile Hunter movie... which reminds me. I must post my Crocodile Hunter song, sung to the tune of the Beatles "Paperback Writer." But perhaps now is not the time. So.... on with the next chapter! Kind of!
Chapter Nine: Ten Things I Hate About You
Top Ten Things I Hate About Living With Carl
by G. Van Helsing, Monster Hunter
10. Always shows off his intelligence at the drop of a hat: "Hello, everybody, did you hear the latest news about extraterrestrial terratogenic numerical economic genome splicing?"
9. Shorter than me.
8. Always gets the girls. I tell you, its just not right that, out of the two of us, the friar gets the chicks. Vow of chastity, my foot.
7. Always have to light a match after he's been to the lav.
6. Always corrects me about his religious status— "Friar. No, monk. No, cardinal. No, choir boy. No, excommunicated. No, friar."
5. Thinks "Excuse me, have you seen my quantum phallacious?" is an acceptable pick-up line.
4. Ears stick out.
3. Tends to scream at the sight of any dog larger than an hors d'oeuvre (and if I spelt that right it was on accident)
2. Leaves the toilet seat up.
1. Uses big words just to get on my nerves.
Top Ten Things I Hate About Living With Van Helsing
by Carl Edward Mane Hampton, friar, DDE
10. Constant angst-fest whenever Anna is mentioned. Get over it already, Van Helsing!
9. Taller than I.
8. Is allowed to get cool haircuts, but doesn't and flaunts it in my face, like "Haircut? No biggie. Na-na-na-na-na-naa."
7. Always have to light a match after he's been to the lav.
6 a.Over-the-top heroism . "If I can see it I can save it." Hah. Last week he saved a chicken from the cook, and did he ever look like an idiot when there was no meat course for dinner.
6 b. Over-the-top stupidity. Just after the chicken incident he tried to save a supposed "maiden in distress" from a man in black— turned out it was the reflection in a mirror of him and his girlfriend. Van Helsing very sheepish and apologetic. Girlfriend scarred for life.
5. Constant shooting at squirrels.
4. The werewolf thing never fully wore off— and every full moon, guess who gets to clean up the sheddings? Not to mention the shedding hair all over the sofa, and the constant smell of wet dog.
3. The way he introduces himself— "Van Helsing, Gabriel Van Helsing." Who does he think he is, James Bloody Bond?
2. Thinks "Next time stay close, you're no good to me dead," is an acceptable pick-up line.
1. That insane giggle he does.
