The Boring Author's Note Part: As much as I wish I did, I do not own of the actual characters in Excel Saga, though I do own a plethora of dvd's, manga's, and various other merchandise. For a while, I would amuse myself by picking out which fanfiction were bad, which were awful, and which you shouldn't fan near an open flame. Noticing the lack of good Excel Saga fanfiction, I decided to take up a pencil and transcribe my own.

Take note that in this story, I poke fun at many things, including but not limited to other Excel Saga fanfiction, movies, and most importantly, my own extreme nerdiness. So if Excel vaguely references your Fanfiction in a less-than-glorious light, please remember that it's all just in good fun, so do try and not take too much offense from it.

Also, Koshi Rikdo did not give me any permission to write this, as he was probably far too busy drawing weird hentai Doujinshi's where Sonic and Tails get it on as girls or something. He's strange like that.

CHAPTER ONE:
THE BEGINNING OF THE END

It was an almost unnaturally peaceful and serene day in the City of F. The sky was sunny and clear, the birds were singing in the trees (All three of them, as the other trees had been torn down to make room for more office buildings), and lots of other stuff that generally showed that everything was A-OK. Of course, all this peace and calm doesn't exactly translate into an interesting story, and the quiet was shortly ruined by a loud shriek that sent birds flying, broke glass, and made a few people actually stop playing Final Fantasy XI long enough to close their windows before letting the joy of endless power-leveling reabsorb them.

"NO!" Were the very distinct words of the shriek. "You can't die on me now! Not when we were so close!"

The shriek, of course, came from a certain apartment complex, and more specifically, from the lips of a certain blonde agent of ACROSS who was currently crumpled on the floor of the living room in defeat. "So... Close." She muttered quietly.

"What's wrong, Senior?" Came a mousey voice as Hyatt popped her head in from the kitchen, her head tilting curiously as she looked towards the frustrated blonde.

Excel slowly lifted her head up from where it was laying on the floor, slowly turning to face towards the dark-haired woman. "Oh, hiya Ha-chan." The girl said flatly. "I was just bemoaning the passing of our latest ACROSS recruit."

Hyatt blinked, her head tilting to one side. "New ACROSS recruit? Some self-inserted, poorly thought out, one-dimensional character created for the sole purpose of having badly written sex with you, Senior?"

The blonde shook her head. "No, that's someone else's fanfiction. I was just talking about our computer." The girl made a motion towards the plain computer set up on the floor in front of her.

"When did Senior get us a computer?" Hyatt asked quietly, her head tilting towards the other side.

Excel grinned proudly, poking a thumb towards herself. "I bought it when we had that brief job at Radio Shack!" She paused, slumping over slightly. "And by 'bought', I mean 'stole when the manager wasn't looking'."

There was the sound of footsteps softly muffled by the carpeting as Hyatt walked over to the side of the other girl, crouching down to get a closer look at the computer. "It doesn't look too broken to me, Senior. What were you doing?"

"Well..." Excel began, sitting back on the heels of her feet. "I figured the best way to get the message of ACROSS out to today's technology-obsessed culture was with an Angelfire website! It was gonna be loaded with annoying animated Gifs, dozens of pop-up ad's, and an obnoxiously loud Midi of 'Revolution' by the Beatles."

Hyatt clasped her hands together cheerfully. "It sounds like it was a true work of art, Senior."

With a fist held dramatically up into the air, Excel nodded. "It was truly a testament to the greatness of ACROSS and the wonder of Lord Ilpalazzo!" She paused, then slumped forward onto the ground again, her raised arm draping over the computer's monitor. "And then AOL crashed and it all got deleted."

"The information superhighway can be cruel, Senior."

"Right!" Excel shouted as she suddenly hopped up onto her feet. "There is only one thing left to do! Grab the keyboard, Ha-chan!"

Elsewhere, a certain trio of bachelors were heading back to their apartment. "I can't believe you, Iwata..." The dark-haired man mumbled under his breath, his hand clenched into a fist as he stared spitefully at his spikey-haired counterpart.

"Aw, come on, Watanabe! Lighten up!" Iwata said with a bright grin on his face, his arms filled with soft plushie animals, including several suspiciously familiar yellow martians. "Once we sell these things on Ebay, we'll be millionaire's!"

"For one..." Watanabe began, holding up his index finger. "The Beanie Baby craze died out years ago! Second..." He brought up his middle finger as well. "We don't even have an internet connection, you idiot!"

Iwata began to nearly shove the fuzzy animals directly into Watanabe's face. "Aww! But lookit 'em! They're just soooo cuuutee!"

Watanabe let out an annoyed grunt, using his hands to try and shove them back against Iwata, growling, "Don't touch me with those damn things!" The two struggles for a few moments while Sumiyoshi merely looked on with a silent sigh. Suddenly, a loud voice from above made the two pause.

"Look out belooooww!"

They barely had enough time to give a confused glance upwards before a computer monitor suddenly smashed into Iwata's face, sending the man crumpling to the ground afterwards.

Watanabe blinked, staring down at the mess of man, machine, and partially crushed beanie babies before staring up into the sky. "I know I'm not a very religious man, but thank you. Whoever may be up there, thank y-"

His words were cut off as a PC tower collided with his face. After managing to take a single step, he collapses ontop of Iwata's already unconscious form. After witnessing this, Sumiyoshi briefly looked up before wisely stepping underneath the balcony, out of harm's way.

Excel poked her head over the railing of the balcony, waving a hand down towards the comatose men. "Hey, I warned ya!" She stood back afterwards, dusting her hands off with a look of accomplishment on her face. "Well, that's that. I know it might not be obvious to you now, Ha-chan, but if we had kept that computer, we would've been drawn like moths to the cool glow of the monitor! And before you know it, our lives would be nothing more than solitaire and Instant Messaging!" The girl paused, looking over her shoulder towards the open door to their apartment. "Uh, Ha-chan? Are you even listening?"

Lying on the floor, her body still halfway inside the apartment, was Hyatt, crumpled over the keyboard with a slowly growing pool of blood beneath her.

Excel's eye twitched momentarily. "Er... Maybe I should've given you something a little less heavy to carry. Like the mouse." The blonde leaned in, sliding the keyboard out from under Hyatt before carelessly tossing the bloody thing over her shoulder and off the balcony. "Come on, Ha-chan! It's time to report to Lord Ilpalazzo!" Excel picked the bleeding woman off of the ground, laying her over her shoulder before darting down the stairs.

Just outside of the apartment, the mysterious man in a red jacket known only as Nabeshin stood. "Excel..." He murmured. "You must remain strong during your latest mission. Never give up... Trust your instincts."

Excel walked by him, blinking a bit before raising her hand to him in greeting. "Yo, Mist-ah Direct-ah! Why're you standing outside our apartment and quoting Star Fox 64 again?" She shook her head, speaking again before he could answer. "Ah, nevermind. I'm in a hurry! Nice new hair piece, by the way." The blonde said cheerfully, pointing to the bloody keyboard that had mysteriously become imbedded in Nabeshin's famous 'fro.

As the girl began to walk off, Hyatt still slumped over her shoulder, Nabeshin grinned. "Hey, thanks Excel, I..." He blinked. "Wait, hairpiece? What hairpiece?" He reached up, touching the keyboard jammed in his hair. "Aww, dammit!"

LATER THAT DAY...

"HAAAAAAAAAAAIIIILLLL ILPALAZZZOOOOOOOO!"

The enthusiastic shout echoed out over the rather empty, dreary headquarters of ACROSS. The two girls stood in front of the throne, as usual, their hands raised in a simultaneous salute. However, the throne was oddly empty. After several minutes of holding the salute, Hyatt turned her head towards her fellow Officer, poking her lower lip with her index finger. "Uh, Senior? Lord Ilpalazzo seems to be mysteriously absent from today's briefing."

Excel continued to hold the pose for another moment, then slumped forward, one arm hanging limply in front of her while she poked herself on the side of her head with her other hand. "you're right, Ha-chan. At first I thought he might just be testing our patience, but he's never taken this long before." She stood up straight again, her eyes wide with panic. "Oh no! What if something bad happened to him? What if-"

Her words were cut off by a new, yet vaguely familiar voice. "Fortunately for you, I, Elgara, am here to quell any paranoid thoughts in your tiny head, Senior Excel."

Excel blinked, looking over past Hyatt towards this new arrival. "Elgara? Where the hell did you come from? And why are you here?"

The woman smiled proudly, pushing her large chest out. "I am here to deliver an important message from Lord Ilpalazzo." She said, wisely avoiding that first question.

Excel shook her head. "No, I mean, why are you here? This fanfiction is based on the anime. According to our sales reports, only four people have read the Excel Saga manga. No one who reads this will even know who you are!"

Elgara looked shocked. 'What could Senior Excel be talking about? It's common knowledge that I, Elgara, am by far the most popular character.'

Excel glared at the woman. "Yeah, and that whole sub-vocalizing thing? No one's gonna get that either."

Elgara glanced down at her body, which was slowly disappearing. "Wait, wait!" She began to panic, flailing her arms about before clasping her vaguely transparent hands together, giving Excel a pleading look. "Don't make me go! I'm never in any fanfics!"

Excel merely grinned impishly, waving her hand to the now mostly see-through woman. "Too bad! See ya in the Manga!"

"No! I will not be silenced! I will be back! Mark my words! Mark my woooords!" And with that, elgara disappeared in a puff of logic and continuity.

"Well, that was certainly odd, Senior." Hyatt simply said in her usual mousey tone.

Excel dusted her hands off again. "Ah, she had it comin' to her anyway."

Noticing something odd on the ground, Hyatt slowly crouched down, picking a piece of paper up from where the third ACROSS girl had been standing a moment before. "Oh look, Senior. Elgara dropped the message from Lord Ilpalazzo. Shall I read it?"

"By all means!" Excel said cheerfully, eagerly awaiting the news.

Hyatt pulled a small pair of glasses from her uniform, clearing her throat before reading the message.

"'Dear Existing Members of ACROSS,

It is with my sincerest apologies that I must take a brief leave from my duties. Note: I am actually taking a vacation in the Caribbean. Do not read that last part out-loud to Excel. While I am gone, observe the Ignorant Masses for any new, easily exploitable weaknesses. Upon my return, prepare for a mandatory viewing of the pictures I've taken over the trip in usual slide show format.

Lord Ilpalazzo.'"

Hyatt looked up from the note. "That's all it says, Senior. Oh wait... It also says I'm supposed to do this." The dark-haired girl walked in front of the throne, then began reaching for an ominous rope hanging from the ceiling.

Excel blinked, a nervous look on her face. "W-wait, Hyatt, what do you think we're doing? Haven't we already done this plot before? I'm sure Lord Ilpalazzo didn't mean for you to..." Excel was cut off as the floor opened up underneath her. "Or maybe he diiiiiid..." She shouted, her voice growing fainter and fainter as she fell through the pit, ending with a loud splash. Hyatt, meanwhile, fainted from the exhaustion of pulling the rope, collapsing in front of the open pit.