Dilemma Chapter 6: Predicament

For the second time in the same day, Kenshin walked without destination. As if to mock him, rain once again began to tat on the dirt ground. It was an especially black night, but currently Kenshin couldn't care less.

Kenshin let out a short laugh. It was a sadistic, ironic and scoffing laugh. Yes, he was a mockery, the best of all the derision in the world. Right then and there, he felt as if he should lie on the moist dirt and cry his heart out. And indeed, a few tears escaped his eyes, mixing with the rapidly intensifying rain.

Yet again, he had been left to suffer. Yet again, he was forced realize he was never to find happiness. Yet again, his past had proved to be an invisible chain that would drag him and those he cared for into unbearable pain.

His feet had taken him to an all-familiar spot; the riverside. Kenshin blank-mindedly made his way to the log. The streaming water was strangely soothing for his aching soul, and he stayed seated, not moving a muscle. Yes, he was like the river, never finding stillness, always muddied by the rain.

Kenshin was so tired. His life was tiresome. What was the point of claiming to protect people, attempting to atone for his past, when his presence was only making those around him suffer? For the first time in his life, Kenshin felt absolute resentment for himself. He shouted into the air desperately, the heavens' sense of humor all too unbearable to him. And as if everything was its fault, he threw the sakabatou well into the river. He collapsed onto the grass, the now full-force precipitation diluting his uncontrollable tears.

The food untouched, Kaoru stared into the ceiling. It was dawn, and there had been no sleep. Kaoru couldn't help but wonder where Kenshin would have spent the cold, rainy night. She knew he would probably have treated himself to nothing better than some lone tree. The thoughts of him only brought tears to her eyes, and her night-long depression continued to intensify.

She lay like that for a few hours, virtually drowning in sorrow, until Shin's voice was heard from the other side of the shoji.

"Kaoru-san. Do you still want to visit your father's grave today?"

Certainly, she would. Kaoru felt that the very least she could do for her father was to visit his grave on his death date. After all, she had been living with his killer for over a year. Worse yet, she had skipped on the visit a year ago just to go find that very killer -- but with all the wrong motives.

When Kaoru had readied herself, Tae, Tsubame, Dr. Genzai, Yahiko and a fair few old family friends and disciples had gathered at the dojo. Yahiko had no idea as to what events had occurred the prior day, for he had not been at the dojo for most of the hours -- likewise for the rest of the people. They instantly noticed how saddened Kaoru was, but mentally chalked it up to her father's death date. Yahiko was surprised and admittedly saddened by how sorrowful Kaoru looked; he wasn't expecting her father's death date to be so emotional for her.

"Kaoru, where's Kenshin?" Yahiko asked timidly, finding it strange that he hadn't sighted him all morning. Tae and the rest also seemed to wonder.

Kaoru froze. What was she to say?

"He had to do something urgently. He, he will meet us there later." Shin hastily aided.

A few of the group seemed surprised and curious, but nonetheless, the group made their way to the cemetery, few words shared along the way.

It was inevitable that they passed the riverside. Kaoru glanced to the side from the bridge; maybe, just maybe he was there. He wasn't. Relief accompanied her disappointment at his lack of presence; it was better that he was not there, for the prospect of seeing or being seen by him was only painful to her.

Then she sighted a certain object in the distance. Half of its length bathed in the river, it was approximately only fifty feet from the horizontally placed log. Suddenly, Kaoru began to run towards it, leaving behind her bewildered company. Kaoru reached her new-found destination within a flash, and she kneeled to pick up the object of interest, paying no heed to the muddy water seeping into her special kimono.

Kenshin's sakabatou.

Kaoru trembled, unwilling to interpret the meaning of this.

He couldn't have...

Desperately hoping that it was a mistake, Kaoru clutched the sakabatou and turned. Her company was staring curiously, a handful of the group evermore so.

"...What's Kenshin's sakabatou doing there?" Yahiko asked, utterly confused.

"..."

"Where is Kenshin anyway? What's going on?" Yahiko knew something was most definitely not right.

Kaoru made no reply, and began to walk once again. The group remained silent, Yahiko inclusive. He told himself he would find out soon.

Yes, it was a mistake, Kaoru continued to tell herself. Kenshin must have dropped the sakabatou into the river accidentally -- and not himself along with it. All this time, he had lived in order to atone; he wouldn't end that now, would he?

Kaoru walked dizzily, attempting to hold any calmness she could find in her head. Yahiko and the others looked on worriedly; Shin and Tae decided to give her support. Kaoru didn't object as Shin took her arm, laying it to encircle his neck and shoulder. Tae did the same, and Kaoru obliged, no sign of objection or gratefulness apparent on her face or in her lack of action.

When they arrived at the cemetery -- along the way ignoring all looks Kaoru received from passers-by -- additional visitors were present, paying their respect to the former Kamiya Kasshin Ryu master. Kaoru freed herself from Shin and Tae's assistance, and paying no heed to words of compassion from the visitors, approached the rather fancy grave in question, already decorated with flowers and other ornaments. She kneeled carefully, her face downcast, as if her father's very eyes were piercing her with bitterness, disappointment and anger for something terrible she had done.

What was she to say to him? Kaoru's guilt wouldn't allow her to even silently speak to her father. When she did finally silently address her father, she repented and asked for forgiveness. Yet, ridiculously, she soon found herself asking him for aid. She was torn between feeling anger, guilt and penitence for having been so ignorant and dishonorable, and feeling compassion and unfading love for Kenshin. It was a predicament that was like no other she, in the duration of her short life, had found herself in. And ironically, her deceased father, she felt, was the only who could aid in her anguish.

Yahiko silently watched as Kaoru's emotions reached him, through his sight and through something more ethereal. His heart ached at the torn sight of her, and couldn't help but feel that there was more to this 'death date' than just the date of the man's death; it was pertinent to Kenshin and his lack of presence, somehow. He was dying to know, admittedly, but realizing it did not seem the smartest action to hound Kaoru about her sadness, he decided to hold his tongue for at least a day.

Most of the visitors had left within half an hour, and Shin, Yahiko, Tae, Tsubame and Dr. Genzai, not to mention Kaoru, also readied to leave for another year. Shin sighed at the heavily solemn atmosphere -- he hated what he had caused, but he felt no regret. The least he could do was look after Kaoru now, at least until she was emotionally stable. Admittedly, he also felt an attraction to her; she had grown into a fiery young woman now, and despite -- or perhaps due to -- her father's absence, she had obtained quite a strong and caring personality that interested and pulled him. Shin certainly wasn't trying to take advantage of the situation though, and he felt guilty for harboring such feelings in these circumstances. Someone simply had to look after her, for his master and for her. And he couldn't help feel somewhat proud and honored that he would be the one to do so. After bowing to his master's grave for the final time, Shin led the way out of the cemetery.

Dusk came quickly. Kaoru had practically collapsed onto her futon upon arriving home, and Yahiko had understandably stayed away from the dojo for the day. Shin stood in the courtyard of the dojo, finding the scarlet hue of the sunset strangely somber. Memories of kenjutsu in his youth, in this very dojo, were flooding back to him. He was not a person used to such a depressing atmosphere -- especially in this dojo -- for he normally found plenty of light and humor in any situation life threw at him. Shin again felt uncomfortable at the fact that he had brought on this whole painful scenario for Kaoru, though knowing what he did was the right act.

Shin was briefly wondering what effect the story would have on Yahiko, when his head snapped up reflexively; a distinctive ki was slowly approaching the dojo. It was a very strange ki, overwhelmingly strong yet threatened rather than threatening. Shin opened the gate, almost certain of who it would be.

Disheveled, dirty and his clothes still unpleasantly damp, Kenshin stood miserably. He held a comparatively clean piece of paper in his hand, rolled up as if to accentuate confidentiality. His eyes were nigh lifeless, and he spoke blankly.

"I... want to speak to Kaoru-dono."

"I don't think it's a good idea that Kaoru-san sees you right now."

"Onegai... for the last time." Kenshin virtually pleaded, making no effort to force his way in; he simply had no courage or energy to do so.

Shin contemplated the request. What would be better for Kaoru?

"No. Do you know how much pain she is in because of you? I think it's better that she doesn't see you for a while... But that doesn't mean that you can't see her later." Shin was earnest even in his last statement.

Kenshin knew Shin was right, but made a move to walk in regardless. Within a flash Shin struck at him with his katana, still sheathed, knowing that Battousai, despite his condition, would block or evade with ease.

He didn't.

Iron met Kenshin's head without mercy, and with an utterly painful crack, red liquid exploded from the right side of his skull. Shin stared, shocked, realizing that Battousai carried no sword; it was with Kaoru. He almost apologized, but quickly told himself that this was the man that had killed his master. He couldn't help but feel guilt and distaste at himself for attacking an unarmed, unsuspecting man however.

"..You can't see her. It's for Kaoru-san's and your own good." Shin couldn't stop his voice from trembling just a little.

Kenshin gazed at Shin, half of his face laved in blood, various emotions now welling up in his eyes. He bent down to pick up the scroll of paper he had dropped upon impact, and forcefully shoved it into Shin's free right hand.

"Give her this then. It is all I ask. Onegai."

And with that, Kenshin turned, walking with difficulty as overwhelming pain and blackness threatened to consume him.

Kenshin's hatred for himself had grown even more. He had taken the easy way out. Had he truly wished for a last confrontation with Kaoru, nothing could have stopped him from getting it. However, the truth was, he was afraid to see her -- afraid to hear her voice, afraid to see her eyes, afraid to see her pain. Pain because of him. He had almost been glad that Shin so fervently resisted him, for he didn't have the courage for his unworthy self to even look at or be looked at by Kaoru for one second. Thus he had left everything to a piece of paper -- and he hated himself for that.

He didn't know for how long he had walked, for it could have been for an hour or for a whole night. His head was swirling now, his vision barely valid, and the unbearable pain ever present.

And finally, he fell, like the fragments of his letter that he never saw Shin tear up. His last thought was that of Kaoru; that he would never see her smiling face again, that he would never again in his life experience such short-lived happiness that she brought him.

- - Author's Note: Finally, a more decent-length chapter! I promise I'll try to keep future chapters at least as long as this one. I think I am reasonably satisfied with the way I wrote this chapter, for I felt somewhat inspired right after losing $300 at the casino For those who noticed it, sorry about the chapter 5 screw-up that showed only the title... it's a (proverbial) long story.

Thanks for the reviews as usual. For my readers that have been reviewing ever since I posted the first one or two chapters, please continue to review... otherwise I assume that you guys are losing interest in the story! And if you are, please tell me what I'm doing wrong and what you'd like to see in the story. And for the newer readers, please, please review to let me know that this story is constantly gathering new audience, however few they may be! Chapter-separate reviews, if you can be bothered writing more than one review for the story, outlining how the chapter compared to others, and what was done well or badly, are most welcome!

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!!NOTE!! For those that had read up to chapter 4 (now chapter 5) before this update, Chapter 4: Truth During The Bath is actually also a new chapter that I decided was helpful to the story and thus went back to add (before, the story went straight from the current chapter 3 to 5). So... read it! That's the reason why there are suddenly 6 chapters, for this update actually consists of two new chapters. And I would appreciate it if the older readers gave a separate review for that chapter, telling me if it helped to the story! Thanks!