Ok! I updated! Anyway, this chapter might be confusing 'cuz I skipped a little forward, but fear not! It will all be explained in due time. Enjoy.


To Live And To Love

Chapter 3: Missing Happiness.


She peeked through the bathroom door, checking left and right to make sure the hallway was empty. Sighing in relief she quietly made her way to her locker. After a few failed attempts the lock finally gave in and creaked open. Shaking her head and absently reminding herself to get a new lock sometime in the near future, she put away her books and reached in the back getting her jacket. Putting it on, she rearranged the backpack on her back, and closed the locker. Slipping the lock and clicking it shut she shook her head of the condition of her locker. The hallway had pure white lockers all the way against one side of the wall, but one stood out rather starkly against the others. Spray painted blood red it had words scribbled all over it. She didn't even know some of those words existed before they were painted onto her locker. She tried to get them off, but only managed in making them more visible. Again checking both ways of the hallway she took the closest set of stairs down when she heard footsteps.

Running down the stairs, she thought of the possibility of maybe telling her mom…then shook her head and pushed open the doors. A bright light stopped her in her tracks and she blinked a few times. Pure white snow was everywhere, the sun bouncing off it only to make it a blinding effect. A puff of smoke escaped through her lips. Looking around, a small smile appeared on her lips. No one was around.

Running in the middle of the field she dropped her bag. Keeping a steady pace at running, her jacket slipped off soon after. She loved winters. At least now she did. It gave her a perfect opportunity. Falling in the snow she rolled over and looked at the sky. To anyone watching it looked like she was just happy. They didn't know how wrong they were.

She lied quietly there until her clothes were completely soaked through, and her body had a numb feel to it. Happy with the progress she stood up when the wind started blowing stronger. Spreading her arms out and tilting her chin up with closed eyes, she stood. The wind whipped her long, black hair around her, making her look like a mystical creature of a fairytale. Snow started falling again, whipping around her as well, a sort of tornado circling around the single abstraction in the clear field. Her eyes snapped open, icy blue orbs reflecting the snowflakes flying in front of her vision. Her hands fell loosely at her sides, and she walked slowly against the wind to pick up her jacket and fallen bag. That done, she put the jacket back on, which started soaking through immediately. Her bag back on her shoulders and she made her way home.

A small cough escaped her lips and she blinked. Stopping suddenly after, she looked down at herself. She couldn't feel anything anymore. The numb and the burning feelings both disappeared only to be replaced with an empty feeling, if only slightly dizzy. A small smile spread on her lips. She was sick already. Perfect.

Much happier now, and a light bounce to her step, despite the growing dizzy feeling, she continued home. Looking around she noted all the heavy winter clothes they wore. Looking down at herself she smiled at the long, dark trench coat she wore to cover all her wet clothes underneath. It would work this time, she knew. Last time was simple miscalculation; this time it would go the way she wanted.

Stumbling through the snow, feeling more or less like a puppet who's strings are about to be cut, a melody made it self into her head. She remembered it, from the radio a while ago. Going over the words in her head, she never noticed when she started singing out loud.

"Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on"

Flashes ran through her mind as the lyrics wrote her life out. Images of a boy flashed from one to the next. Black hair and purple eyes. And a signature smirk. He was jerk and she knew it. Yet, somehow she just didn't want to realize it in the least. Well now she knew. Oh she never would forget…

"Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes"

She shook her head, trying to dispel the strangely strong desire to cry. She's done enough of that. Her voice got stronger as she got deeper in the song, understanding just what it meant.

"I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on"

He destroyed everything she tried to be. He took it all and threw it back in her face. He knew what she was and he made sure she knew it wasn't anywhere close to good enough. It was then that she wished people would just lie. It just hurt…

"Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes"

No one ever knew though. She cried once in the washroom. She missed then whole day, and no one even noticed. She could still remember, the cold, dirty floor and her weeping. He broke her heart then, after she tried so hard. After that she just pretended it never happened. Though people seemed determined to make sure she remembered…

"Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore..."

She knew she shouldn't hate him, she knew what she was getting into before she got in it. Yet somehow, it didn't dull the pain in the least. She knew and that hurt even more. She should have seen this coming, but sometimes it's hard to explain these things to your heart when it's ever so sure of itself.

"Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes"

Looking up, she saw her building come into view. Her vision blurred ignoring her protest of never crying again. She hated this, yet as much as she tried she was powerless to do anything. Stumbling over a particularly large pile of snow, she landed on her knees. A tear slid down her cheek, and she wiped it almost instantly, as though pretending it never happened at all.

Getting back up to her feet, she walked in the building. Digging through her bag with numb fingers, she found the keys. After a few unsuccessful tries the key finally slid in and opened the door. Walking closer to the wall, she waited for the elevator.

When she got home her mom still wasn't there yet. Sighing in relief, she set her bag down and took of her shoes. Walking to the nearest houseplant, she dumped the melted snow that's gotten inside the shoe. Hanging up the jacket she half-dragged her bag to her room, leaving a wet trail behind. Opening the door, she had to stifle a scream when she noticed someone else was already there. She calmed a little when she noticed it was only her guest. She was surprised to find him there. He disappeared after the first day and didn't come back until, well, now. She kind of hoped he wouldn't come back at all, but if it was just a month then she would live through it. Hopefully.

Dropping her bag to the floor and turning to her drawers she didn't notice the concerned look shot her way. Her clothes were still dripping wet, and her skin was already taking on a feverish tint. Grabbing a pair of loose pants and a simple t-shirt she walked to the bathroom to change.

A few minutes later, she stepped out of the bathroom fully changed and with a mountain of wet, dripping clothes. Walking to the drier she stuffed the clothes in it with out a second thought. Sighing and looking at the time, she made her way to the computer. Might as well check for mail while she had time. Signing into her account, she was surprised to find a new e-mail.


From: Queen Of The Universe

To: Who Ever Cared

Hey bitch. Missed you at school today. Don't worry, you can't hide forever. You'll crawl from under your rock eventually. Are you still depressed about Inuyasha dumping you for me? Well you should've known it was going to happen. You aren't worth his time. Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow, and we'll have a repeat of what happened a week ago. I was surprised you didn't cry then. But remember if you tell anyone about us beating you up, I'll make sure the whole school knows about you crying in the washroom for the whole day, with a few twists of course. Got that? Good.

Much hate,

Kikyou.


She stared blankly at the screen for a few more seconds, trying to decide weather to be scared or happy that she would be too sick to actually show up tomorrow. Deciding on just sticking to being scared she signed out with shaky fingers and went back to her room. Without even looking at the other person in the room, she crawled into her bed and stared at the ceiling.

And then the tears came…

And then she realized that now, she could be killed and not even care.


Hey-y! Ok I kinda added in more characters, and umm, sorta made them evil, but that's ok! He-he, don't worry, I know exactly where this si going... I hope. Anyways, please review, so I will update. Thank you so-very-much.

Ja ne!

Kira.