Today's Experiment………………………………………………..you decide.
Appendices
I. The Full Malaguena Salerosa,
(with translation courtesy of slightly edited for coherence by me)
and (as if it weren't obvious) the Cast
Que bonitos ojos tienes
What pretty eyes you have
Debajo de esas dos cejas;
Under those two eyebrows;
Debajo de esas dos cejas
Que bonitos ojos tienes…
Hyatt as Vernita Green
"E.E" as Nikki
Watanabe as Doctor Bell
Ellos me quieren mirar,
They want me to look,
Pero si tu no los dejas;
But you won't let me;
Pero si tu no los dejas
Ni siquiera parpadear…
Not even for a flashing instant…
Doctor Kozo Shioji (or is Gozo? or even Gojo?) as Hattori Hanzo
Yuki-chan as Bald Guy
VE-6050 Pfadfinderin as Hanzo Sword/Pussy Wagon
Malaguena – salerosa!
Rose leaves of Malaga!
Besar tus labios quisiera;
Besar tus labios quisiera!
Oh, to kiss your wanted lips !
Kabapu as himself
Misaki as herself
Malaguena salerosa…
Y decirte…nina hermosa…
And to tell you, beautiful girl…
Ichiro Murasaki as Boss Tanaka
Kazuo Kiriyama as himself
Miki as himself
Charlie Brown as himself
Que eres li-in……da y hechicera,
That you are pretty and magical,
Que eres linda y hechicera,
Como el candor de una rosa.
As the innocence of a rose.
Cosette Sara as O-Ren Ishii/Gogo Yubari/Sophie Fatale
(don't worry, she got paid triple)
Si por pobre me desprecias,
If in poverty you despise me,
Yo te concedo razon;
I offer you my heart;
That Man as Bill, in That One Scene
Yo te concedo razon
Si por pobre me desprecias…
Key as Budd
Puchuu as Ernie (the Midget)
Iwata as Diner Guy
Sumiyoshi as Himself
Yo no te ofrezco riquezas,
I do not offer you riches,
Te ofrezco mi corazon;
I offer you my heart;
Te ofrezco mi corazon
I offer you my heart
A cambio de mi pobreza…
In exchange for my poverty…
Nabeshin as Pai Mei
Hyatt as Elle Driver
Ropponmatsu II as herself
Ropponmatsu I as herself
Malaguena – salerosa!
Besar tus labios quisiera;
Besar tus labios quisiera!
Malaguena salerosa…
Menchi as B.B.
Lord Ilpalazzo as Bill
Y decirte…nina hermosa…
Excel Excel as Beatrix Kiddo
Que eres li-in……da y hechicera,
Que eres linda y hechicera
Como el candor de una rosa!
Y decirte…nina hermosa…
"Death Rides a Bicycle"
by Incanto, 2005
(Now imagine Ropponmatsu II singing Goodnight Moon.)
II. Apologia
Apologies to those responsible for making all of these things, which were parodied or referenced in some way:
Kill Bill
Excel Saga
Doctor Strangelove (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb)
Reservoir Dogs
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Hamlet
The Holy Bible
The Aviator
Battle Royale
Neon Genesis Evangelion
The Ring
Also:
Charles Bukowski, Emily Dickinson, Yukio Mishima, T.S Eliot, The Doors and Shakespeare (again)
Finally, I just remembered I read about Kobe's Yama Vocational High School in an old book about Japanese high schools, so for all I know it still exists…
III. What the Deal Was with that Preview for Chapter Six
That was an old Dos Equis commercial. "Uno, dos…oh hell, let's just stop with dos!"—Jesus Christ, the stuff that sticks with you.
IV. Deleted Scene: The Power of Giant Robots
COSETTE: You squashed K-kun!
EXCEL: Well, yeah, that was kinda the idea…
COSETTE: You squashed K-kun!
EXCEL: That's the power of love!
COSETTE: Baka! You didn't defeat him with the power of love! You squashed him with a giant robot!
EXCEL: Hey, same thing, right?
V. Minor Notes
I always thought Excel Saga took place in the northerly city of Fukushima (F city, F prefecture) but now I find out it takes place in Fukuoka, which is in southern Japan. So it doesn't really make sense that Ilpalazzo conquered northern Japan and Hokkaido…eh, well. It's just fanfic.
Of course, since everyone is supposed to be speaking Japanese, it doesn't really make sense that Key is quoting western poets…
Shouldn't Excel recognize Ropponmatsu II from 'Take Back Love?' (it would be funny if she had seen her and shrieked rapist!)
If four years have passed, and everyone seems to have grown up, shouldn't Cosette be twelve?
How can Pedro be alive if the timeline changed, and he didn't defeat That Man?
How come Shioji's assistant's name changed from Yumiko to Yuki? Well, there is a good answer to that! Of course, being a pervert with a heart of gold, Shioji eventually returned Yumiko to her family, with absolutely no harm (if you don't count a few odd memories which she might one day recount to a therapist) done!
If you want a laugh, go to a site which finds hotels and do a search in Fukuoka. Even if you already know about this, it's pretty amusing to see it all in front of you.
VI. Final Author's Note
Sometime not too long ago, I happened across a random livejournal and read about something a guy had done at his college: he'd hosted a Valentine's Day event he called Love & War, where he screened Kill Bill vol. 2 and The Notebook. My first thought was, Cool idea; Kill Bill is a great romantic movie. But I didn't realize The Notebook was so violent.
The theme in here is still more Excel Saga than Kill Bill, but I like to think that reading Kill Bill as a love story isn't totally out of bounds, either. Would I take a date to see it? Well, however this might bode for my romantic future, it reminds of something Tarantino himself said about another movie: "When I'm getting serious about a girl, I show her Rio Bravo, and she'd better like it."
I enjoyed writing Death Rides a Bicycle; it was a fun break from more serious work, and the first episodic fanfiction I'd written in years. Seriously. Compare it to my other stuff on this site. Or better yet, don't, because I think you and I would both be happier if mortals never set eyes on that stuff again. Anyway, my only regret is that I couldn't figure out a way to cast Ropponmatsu II as Gogo.
If you liked it, I'm glad; if you didn't, I'm sorry…and if you liked most of it expect for that one part, I totally meant to do it a different way, seriously.
No, seriously. Thanks, readers. Thanks, thanks, readers.
Love & Peace,
Incanto
"Hello. Yes, I would like a delivery to be made. Hm, yes. The "German Deluxe" Pizza tickles my fancy…what? My address? My phone number? I HAVE NO TONGUE THAT COULD UTTER SUCH TO ONE AS MENIAL AS YOU!"
—Ilpalazzo (from the manga)
ESTEBAN: You know, if we had met back when I was in business, you would have been my number one lady.
BEATRIX: Well, I'm…flattered.
ESTEBAN: You damn well better be!
EXCEL: I'm gonna hit you!
ROPPONMATSU II: Don't say that after you hit me!
