A/N – Yay! Another chapter! is getting better at this Thanks EVERYONE for their reviews and for sticking with me! Am having so much fun writing this!
Massive thanks to Fi for all her help! You rock chicky babe! (this is cos I (Fi/Angel of Fire SG1) am posting this cos Kat's comp is throwing a hissy fit)
This chapter goes too the strange and wonderful fellows at FSF for keeping me amused, fueling my obsession and for becoming my new home.
Feeback – Reading requirement!! Please no silent readers!
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:Sam:
I drove home slowly, trying not to think about what had just happened. Things were bad enough without the sudden knowledge that Jack still had feelings for me. I wish I could put it down to my imagination, a hallucination brought on by my lack of sleep that held no weight, but I knew better. I sighed, wishing I could purge that bit of information from my memory.
I pulled in home just as Guy was leaving. His smile of relief at seeing me made me feel a twinge of guilt for what had happened earlier that day with Jack, and Guy's hug was full of affection.
"I'll be home early tonight." He promised, kissing my forehead gently, "You'll be home?"
I nodded dumbly, enjoying the feel of my husband's arms around me. After watching him leave for work, I padded into my house and promptly fell asleep.
-----
When Guy returned home, Chinese takeaway was elaborately arrayed on dinner plates, the table set with candles, the music playing soft and a fire roaring in the corner. It was probably the most perfect dinner I'd ever arranged, the first I'd ever made for my husband, and the stress of burning my first attempt early that evening was worth the happiness on Guy's face.
Smoke and the distinct smell of charred beef still wafted from the kitchen, which Guy pointedly ignored, and the end of the evening found us snuggled on the couch in front of the dying embers, my head on his shoulder as Guy told me about the classes he was teaching.
Only half listening, my mind wandered back to earlier that day. At one stage the phone had rung, and I'd stood and stared at it until the machine picked it up and Jack had left a hesitant request for me to call him. My heart went out to him, sympathy for a man in love with a woman he could never have.
I'd tried to kid myself all morning how shocked I was of my discovery. That finding out Jack was suddenly in love with me was an abrupt and unexpected thing, but after a decent sleep, my rational mind had brought me back to reality.
Jack has been in love with me for a very long time, and I'd known it for almost as long as it had been happening. Feelings forever bubbling at the surface, we'd become masters at ignoring. Pushing them back into the deep recesses of our brain, where they only surfaced during extreme circumstances. As time past, that love turned into something else. A friendship, bonded tighter then most. Sure we still loved each other, cared for each other, would give our lives for the other....but it had long since stopped being about sleeping together. Without words, we'd somehow come to the same conclusion that we didn't need a physical relationship to continue to deep friendship we had.
But now.....I had the sinking suspicion that Jack had gotten over that. He wanted more. The intensity of his gaze still sent shivers through me. Guy had never looked at me like that.
Never looked at me with such raw emotion. His love had shown through with no barriers. The fact that I was never meant to see it made it more bittersweet. Jack was no longer in denial about his feelings, and no longer felt need to keep them hidden from himself, but was well aware of the fact that he had to keep them from me.
As Guy spoke softly, I let a tear shed for Jack. For the pain that I knew I was causing him, however unintentionally, every single day I didn't return that blinding love. For while I loved Jack as a friend, I'd made my decision.
I was in love with Guy, and I planned never to break the vow I'd made to him. And I knew, for the rest of my life, I would die, a little bit every single day, wondering just how deep my feelings were for Jack, and I'd forever dream about what might have been.
-----
:Jack:
I strolled into the SGC a few days later, dreading the confrontation between myself and Carter. On the outside I was still calm, my tight smile quick to surface, and my sarcastic wit at the ready, but it was all automatic, pre-programmed responses to situations I dealt with every day of my life. What I didn't have a response for was Carter's reaction when I saw her again. She hadn't spoken to me since she left so quickly that night I messed up, and I still wasn't sure what she was thinking.
I searched the base for her, knowing I wanted to get this over and done with quickly. Spending the day worrying about what Carter thought about me would not be productive for our strategy meetings.
I found her in her lab, standing at her desk, her head bent over several sheets detailing the plans of something I couldn't see. Beside her was another lab technician, whose finger was indicating certain sections while Carter's head bobbed up and down in agreement. To my direct right, two more scientists in lab coats considered a large clip board, while yet another woman in a lab coat crouched beside a large, somewhat intimidating structure, over seven feet tall, which could have been anything from a planetary defense system, to an overly exotic coffee machine.
Getting Carter alone was going to be difficult.
I stood for a long moment, watching her, my thoughts on the events that lead me to be standing in that doorway, watching that particular woman, when suddenly she raised her head.
I tensed, waiting, as her eyes locked on to mine. I had no idea what I would find there.
And then she smiled. A warm, if hesitant, smile, and relief flooded through me. Never before had I cherished her smile as much as I did at that moment. Any doubt I had was gone, every twinge of worry snuffed out by that split second moment. Sam understood. Perfectly.
I could never be sure how I knew exactly. How one smile could tell me that Carter understood I was in love with her, that she knew I'd never press it, and that she was content to let me continue to pretend we were just friends, but I did.
And I also knew, from the way her eyes dropped back to her work, that the tiny, small candle of hope I'd been keeping against the possibility that she may be in love with me back, was effectively snuffed out.
-----
:Sam:
Weeks later, I hopped out of my car out the front of my house. Long before, Guy had claimed the garage with his own car, as mine spent more time in the Chyanne Mountain then it did at home, but now I wished I'd insisted on him keeping it free for me. Even as I walked away, frost started to build along the edges of my windscreen, and I dreaded having to start the car early tomorrow morning after it had been sitting exposed to the elements all night.
The first faint light of dawn was brimming over the horizon, and it was practically freezing outside, heavy clouds pregnant with snow blanketing the lightening landscape in a dull gray. My head down against the chill, I hurried to my front door, opening it quietly and slipping in. Guy would be up soon, but I felt it a cruel injustice to rob him of the last few moments of sleep. Glancing towards the stairs, I let a small smile creep over my lips, and I headed into the kitchen.
Guy woke a little later then I'd anticipated, and his pancakes were falling quickly into the cold zone when I presented them to him in bed, but my dutiful husband didn't say a word as he ate them slowly.
In fact, the silence, so unusual, had started to stretch into eternity. As I sat there, I could almost feel the tension as it descended. Like a blanket, it fell from the sky and covered us both, and I realized, with a sick twist of my stomach, that something was wrong.
Unsure how to broach the subject of Guy's brooding manner, I searched desperately for a topic. Anything to break the sudden chill of the room, despite the heater in the corner.
"You think it'll snow today?" I cringed at the patheticness of my attempt, that I couldn't find something besides the weather to discuss with my husband.
Guy's eyes flickered to mine, his lips pressed tightly together in an attempt to keep his annoyance in check. "Do you know what day it is Sam?" he asked in way of response. Obviously, he'd seen through my lame attempted to break the ice, but at least now I'd gotten a response.
Focusing on his question, I tried to think. While vaguely aware that it was November, individual dates had become a blur since my promotion, days bleeding in to each other. With the time difference at the Alpha site, I gained an extra day for every week I spent there, and so I worked from day to day, only knowing what I had scheduled the day after. I didn't know what weekends were anymore, my rare days off granted by the General when he felt confident of not needing me for twenty four hours.
"Tuesday?" I hazard a guess, which was met by a gruff, exasperated sigh from Guy.
"Thursday." He corrected, and then his eyes locked on to mine, "The eighteenth."
I blinked, trying to connected the day with an event. I came up with nothing, my confusion etched all over my face.
Guy's jaw tightened as he flung the covers off of his knees, "That comes two days after the sixteenth." He spoke through gritted teeth as he got out of the bed.
Suddenly it clicked, and my hand came quickly to cover my mouth, which had opened in a silent 'o'. Guy didn't wait for my reaction, moving into the bathroom, leaving me to sit on our bed alone with the knowledge that I'd forgotten our anniversary. Three years and two days ago, Guy and I gone on our first date. It felt like another life time ago. And with our anniversary was....
Guilt swept through me like a tidal wave, washing over my heart. I closed my eyes, unable to believe I'd forgotten, not only our anniversary, but also my husbands birthday. The love of my life had celebrated the day of his birth and I hadn't been there. I swallowed hard, remembering the romantic night he'd given me on my own birthday, and how I'd promised myself that night how special I was going to make his own.
I heard the shower start in the other room, and slowly dragged my self off of the bed I hadn't slept in for over a week. A stray thought to joining my husband in the shower left as quickly as it had come, my giddy mood at returning to see the man I loved disappearing as swiftly as the water which I could hear gurgling down the drain. While I knew I was in the wrong, while I knew I deserved his anger, I felt a childish stab of annoyance towards him. So rarely did he see me, he was still willing to pick a fight with me on the occasions that he did.
Shaking my head against the ill thoughts, I headed downstairs to make coffee. As I poured out a fresh cup, Guy joined me downstairs, his hair still wet from the shower. My eyes swept over him, my heart thudding painfully in my chest as I took in his soft features, finding myself comparing him to the only other man I'd felt I'd ever really loved. Really, he was the complete opposite of Jack, who was rugged in his good looks, years of harsh climates and several decades of military service leading a hardness to him that came across as endearing, as apposed too some military commanders I'd known with no personality at all.
Guy's good looks still boarded on boyish; smooth skin that was quick to smile and a charm that seemed to want to impress everyone.
Jack was quite content not being the most popular person at the party, as long as he came away with what he wanted; a quiet resilience that drew you to him, for the very fact that he wasn't flaunting any charm.
I watched my husband with concerned eyes, trying desperately to think of a way to make it up to him. Irritation was wafting off of him in waves, and the tension was getting unbearable.
"Dinner?"
My voice caused Guy to jump, the silence had been so complete that the noise was almost out of place, echoing across the empty kitchen.
His head snapped up to look at me, bewildered.
"Look....Guy, I'm sorry. How about Dinner?" I forced a smile to my lips, "Are you coming home tonight?"
Guy looked at me over the rim of his coffee cup, considering. I felt another flash of annoyance at the thought that he had to make up his mind on whether he'd come and see me or not, when he nodded.
"Dinner sounds great." He finished his coffee, and left without another word to finish getting ready for work.
As he left the house, I grabbed his arm to stop him, "I love you."
With a tight smile, that gave me the impression of a father humoring his daughter, Guy planted a soft kiss on my forehead, his hand squeezing my arm in a silent goodbye.
I stood staring at the window as his car backed out of the driveway and he was gone.
-----
:Jack:
"Lunch?"
Carter stood with an amused smile on her lips, eyeing the bags of food I'd brought as an offering. Snow was slowly drifting across the grey sky, and I gave an involuntary shiver. If she didn't invite me in soon, she was going to have a permeate ice statue on her porch.
As I pointed out this amusing fact, she let out a breath of laughter, ushering me over the threshold. As she set out plates and cutlery, I took a brief moment to look at her and came to a quick conclusion.
"What's up Carter?"
Her head turned quickly around to look at me, trying to seem confused, but it didn't work. "Oh...it's nothing."
I didn't pry. I couldn't. The ache in my heart at not having her was now a constant companion, a dull emptiness I carried around with me, and it only proved to remind me that I had no rights in her anymore. Prying into her domestic affairs with Guy - which I had the suspicion this was about - was not my concern.
We sat down for lunch, but I hadn't put the first forkful into my mouth before the shrill tone of Carters cell phone echoed through the kitchen. Carter let out something that could have been a snort of irritation, placing her own uneaten mouthful back on the plate as she reached over to pick the phone up.
"Carter."
Carter barely spoke three words the entire conversation, which lasted a grand total of 20 seconds. It ended with, "I'll be right there." Before the words were out of her mouth, Carter was on her feet, military efficiency drilled until it was a fine art had her almost ready and out the door before I could speak.
"Trouble?"
She nodded, throwing her bag over her shoulder, "They think Lt. Newman is trapped inside that plant they brought back."
She reached the door, then stopped, looking back over at me, "Sorry Jack."
"Go Carter." I told her with a tight, but warm smile. "I'll let myself out."
She nodded, then was gone. I glanced back at the plate full of food, suddenly not hungry. Moving the crispy lettuce around with my fork for a moment I contemplated my next move, realizing with a stab of self loathing that by the end of the day I'd be back at base. There was no use trying to pretend I had something better to do. I'd agreed to have this day off because I knew Carter did too. And now she wasn't home to enjoy the day with, I didn't feel like being on my own. I dug my palm into my eye, knowing how dangerous my position was. Being in love with another man's wife was never comfortable, doubly so when said person had far too much sense to interfere with the married couple simply for his own gain. Sometimes I wish I didn't have that sense. That I could whisk Carter away from Guy and have her all to myself. But I knew how much she loved him, and I would never be able to live with myself if I did. Or if she'd even come with me if I asked her.
Picking up the plates, I started to pack it back up when Carters house phone rang. I contemplated it for a few rings before reaching over to answer it.
"O'Neill."
There was a pause, "Jack?"
I grimaced, "Guy."
"What are you doing there?"
I wasn't sure if the question was meant to sound so hostile, but instantly I felt defensive, "Having lunch." I told him tersely, wondering if he was trying to imply something or if I was just paranoid.
"Where's Sam?"
"She's uh....indisposed." I closed my eyes tight, wishing even as the words left my mouth that I hadn't said them. Guy was so deathly quiet on the other end of the phone that I had to keep talking, "She got called back to base. Some emergency."
"Did she say when she was getting home?"
I could hear the iciness of Guys voice. Here was one very unhappy man, and I had the sinking suspicion that I was making it worse. I tried to think of a diplomatic way to tell Guy that Carter had more important things to do then keep him happy, "Probably not for a couple of days. You know how important Carter's work is to her."
I think I failed. Guy hung up with a grunt that could have been a goodbye, and I wearily put the phone down. A tiny part of me was screaming for joy that Guy was getting sick of Carter's devotion to the SGC, but the rest of me was scared of what it meant for Sam. I knew there was nothing that would take Carter away from her work, but I felt a small stab of dread in the pit of my stomach when I thought of how she'd take Guy's sudden aggravation to her devotion to something that wasn't him.
