Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.


October 2007

- Webb residence, in the morning

Mac had a lonely breakfast. This time Webb had not been waiting for her when she had come down from her room and into the kitchen.

And once more she realized how much she had got used to seeing him sitting at the front table, peeling oranges or cutting apples. When she entered he would turn around and get the pot of freshly brewed coffee, pouring her a cup and pushing the sugar in her direction. She would watch him sip his white coffee - he had difficulties with too much caffeine since his accident - and accept the slices of fruit he offered her. None of them was much of a talker that early in the morning. Harrison would step in for a moment and put the morning newspaper on the table then have a look around to make sure everything was all right before disappearing again in silence. After studying the most interesting headlines, handing the different parts wordlessly back and forth, she would say a quick goodbye, maybe wish him a good day at the studio, and he would smile back in response, shortly lifting his eyes from the paper. Then she would go back to her room, put on her uniform and leave the house to drive to JAG headquarters.

She had never paid much attention to this little ritual. Not until the loss of it sent a searing pain through her body.

Staring at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, Mac shook her head at herself. What on earth had she expected? She had pushed Clay away three years ago. She had pushed him away this morning. And she had done a really good job on it. Of course he avoided her company now. What else was he supposed to do - run after her? After all that had happened? After she had hurt him once more, had once more turned the knife in his wound and her own? Did he even feel the tremble, the stirring of an unnamed longing as she did? But if he didn't why had he fled from the room?

'Waking up in your company is a lovely experience but now you are embarrassed and I don't want that. Please. Help me understand.'

Running a hand through her hair Mac clung to these words. Did he feel it? Did he move towards her lips on that hill? He had turned away, yes. Of course. SHE had ended it three years ago. SHE had made the decision, had sent him away. How could she expect him to make the first step and maybe burn his fingers a second time? As Harm had said: A man had his pride ... just as any woman.

Maybe, if she had reached out, it would have been different. Maybe, if she had found the strength to talk to him, she would have had a chance. But her stupid, cruel words of this morning had spoiled it all. How could he ever forgive her? How could he ever forgive her that she had walked all over his feelings again? Not all crawling in the world could make up for that. Again Mac stared at herself in the mirror. She didn't like what she saw. The corners of her mouth curled up in a bitter smile.

"Coward."

The whispered word hung in the air.

Yes, that was what she was. A coward. She was always waiting for the man to make the first step. She always had. Chris, John Farrow, Mic, Harm. Clay. She never wanted to be the one in charge, the one responsible. Neither at the beginning ... nor at the end until Clayton had taught her that lesson with painful intensity. Something even Chris had not been able to do. There she had simply run away, hadn't even filed for divorce. Some woman she was. She was living in the 21st century for heaven's sake! And for the first time in her life she was absolutely sure of what she wanted. In a strange way surer than she had ever been about Harm. Maybe it was time to take fate in her own hands and throw caution to the wind. She could not more than fall.

One last time she met the eyes of her reflection and straightened her uniform in grim determination. "Well, lady, and if that means to grovel than groveling it is."

Turning on her heel she stormed out of the bathroom and into the corridor. She knew where she had to go. She simply knew it. Almost running down the stairs she paused outside the living room and steeled herself with a deep breath. Then she stepped in.

He had placed the wheelchair in front of the chessboard, was looking down at it and involuntarily her gaze was drawn to it too. Black and white marble stones standing across from each other. Two armies ready for the first move. Ready to start the battle.

Mac forced herself to wait in silence. Waited for him to acknowledge her presence. Webb shifted on of the pieces then put his hand back in his lap.

"When do you plan to move out?" The words fell into the silence like heavy stones, bare any emotion. His eyes never left the board.

"The apartment will be free by the end of this month." Mac swallowed. "So the first would be the logical date ... if you don't give my any reason to stay."

She held her breath as something intense flickered briefly across his face. He turned further away from her.

"A reason. What kind of a reason could I give you?"

"Yourself."

The silence after her answer was complete. He didn't move and neither did she. Her infallible sense of time told her how the seconds ticked by, the minutes.

"I can't."

She closed her eyes at his words but quickly opened them again. As if afraid he would disappear the moment she wasn't looking.

"Why?"

He didn't answer.

"Why, Clayton?"

"You will be late for office."

"And you will be late for studio. Why, Clay?"

"What could a man like I give you any more?" In sudden anger he turned to face her. "Look at me, Mac. Just look at me. I'm a cripple."

"And I'm barren." She met his startled gaze. "Yes, Clay. They found out while treating my backache. You never wondered why I and Harm never got there? Considering how much I wanted children? You think it was easy for me? To accept this?" She snorted bitterly. "To accept that Sadik was right after all?"

"Sadik was a sick bastard who would not have been right if he had said the sun rises every morning!"

Silence followed Webb sharp eruption. Mac didn't know how to react.

"It does," she pointed out finally.

Webb lifted one shoulder. "Well, technically speaking, the earth moves around the sun and it's its movement that changes the sun's position in the sky. So the sun is not exactly RISING by itself."

"Oh."

Silence again. Webb turned back to the chessboard and ran a finger along one edge.

"Was that the reason why ... you and Harm broke up?"

"No. I don't think so." Mac shook her head slowly, crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Harm and I... Somehow we ... never worked out. It didn't fit - whatever explanation that may be. I guess we never had. Or maybe we just missed our chance."

Webb said nothing. Taking a deep breath Mac looked at the ceiling, towards the windows, at the chessboard. And then she looked back at him.

"Clay... I know I don't have the right to ask. I know I ended it and I never looked back. Maybe I don't even have a right to dream about it but ... what you have given me these past two months..." She had to stop. Pulling herself together she bit her lips and started anew. "I - I haven't felt so ... good in a long, long time. Just to be with you was ... wonderful in a way. I - I felt comfortable. Welcomed. Safe."

"Safe?" Webb repeated with a strange laugh. "God, Mac, the only thing I can't give you is safety. I might be retired but sometimes I still work for the Agency. And what you said is true: I made a lot of enemies over the years and I could never promise you that not one day one of them will crawl out of his hole and come after me."

Mac considered this for a moment. "Then I will deal with it when it happens. I just kicked the butt of a considerably younger man and I did it well."

"I never doubted your ability to fight for yourself. But..."

"I'm in love with you, Clay."

Mac looked almost as shocked as Webb at her confession but made a step towards him in sudden determination.

"Three years ago a lot of things happened at the same time. Too many things. It would never have worked out between the two of us. Not then. But a lot has changed since that time. I have changed. I learned..." She smiled wryly, remembering his words. "I learned that life doesn't care if I throw a tantrum. I... Darn it, Clay. This isn't pity. This is all but pity. It - it might sound terribly sappy but ... I - I want a second chance. I ... just want to wake up in the same house as you for the rest of my life. I want these little things you have given me. Like - like riding lessons or playing chess or reading these stupid books for teenagers. I want you. I - I just know it can be different this time."

"You don't know what you are asking for." Webb refused to meet her eyes. His nervous fingers on his legs betraying his inner confusion. "I - I mean look at me. I'm sitting in a wheelchair. There are a lot of thing you don't know about that. What life is like with a disabled person like me."

Mac pursed her lips. "I think I've got a pretty good idea."

"You haven't. There - there are bad days, Mac. Did AJ never tell you about them? Days when I... Sometimes I can't help myself. Sometimes I just... I - I can be a terrible patient."

"Will it be worse than our fight in the hospital?"

Webb blushed. "I - I guess that's hardly possible."

"Then I can handle it." Mac took another step. "Although that cup might end up in your face and not at the wall."

For the first time the ghost of a smile played around Webb's lips. "Yeah, you would really do that."

"You better count on it." She had crossed about half of the room now. "Besides, reaching menopause will be sweet revenge."

"Oh, that's endearing," Webb choked out.

"Yes, isn't it?"

"This is insane."

"That depends on your point of view."

"Mac, what - what my body went through is nothing that gets better in the course of time." Webb sounded almost desperate now. "You said you want me but ... I'm - I'm a candidate for thrombosis, heart attack, organ failure - heck, put on the list whatever you want and you can't be very wrong. I could die in a few years, next month, it could be even tomorrow."

"Then I would be grateful for the day we had." Mac kept moving slowly.

"But I-I-I don't even know if I could perform... Oh, God." Webb hid his face in his hands. "I didn't say that, did I?"

Mac stifled any laugh that threatened to escape her at his so very male problem. "Hmm, sex is nice but not everything. And if I remember correctly you kiss pretty well."

"Mac, for heaven's sake..."

"No promises, Clay. Promises can only be broken. I will not lie to you. I would not be standing here if you were still working for the Company regularly. I couldn't. You were right about my problem with ... control. I am who I am. But I've learned my lessons. I can deal with the secrets of the past, even with the secrets of present and future if I have to. At least I can try." A hint of anger crept into her voice. "Darn it, Clayton, I'm - I'm not asking you to put a ring on my finger. I'm - I'm not after your money although some people will say that. I just want ... this. More than I ever wanted something."

Finally Webb lifted his head out of his hands and looked at her again. And his eyes were only tired.

"And what if I ever wanted to? Put a ring on your finger?"

"What?" whispered Mac.

"This isn't all about you, Sarah. This isn't all about what you want. What about me? What would you do if I ever asked you to marry me? Run away again? Because it's not on your list?" Webb closed his eyes and turned away. "I - I can't, Mac. I can't risk this. I - I spent a lot of time picking up the pieces after you left. And then again after - my accident, after mother..."

"Clay, I-"

"Don't you know I never stopped loving you?"

Involuntarily Mac pressed her hands to her mouth. A moment she couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't think. Looking up at the ceiling she clenched her fists until she felt the nails cut into her palms. She breathed slowly.

"Sometimes I've got ... visions of other people. People who are in danger. I ... see them, their surroundings although it's sometimes symbolic. But I can tell where they are. I found Chloe when she got lost after she had fallen off her horse. I ... was able to locate Harm after he had crashed his F14 into the Atlantic. I always thought it was because of the special bond between us. Chloe, my little sister, and Harm..."

She paused and rubbed a hand across her forehead, ran it through her hair. Webb sat very still.

"And then I had these visions of Commander Aiken after she was murdered. A woman I had worked with, talked to, met for lunch a few times ... but who was really not much more than a stranger to me. And the pictures came more often and more intense and in greater detail than anything I had experience ever before. And somehow that ... took away from what I thought to have with Chloe or Harm. I - I refused to think about it but somehow ... it made it more ordinary. I never had visions of you. Not even after they had told me you were dead. Although I tried."

Webb turned slowly to look at her. Mac made a helpless little gesture.

"I felt you. When Johnson had locked you into that trunk. I ... felt you. I ... felt your pain. My - my right arm seemed to come off, a headache was killing me, it was so hot, everything spun around... I - I check the time, it's a perfect fit. There were no pictures. No mysterious KNOWING as there had usually been. I just ... felt. I have never felt anyone like that before. Not even Harm."

She met his eyes.

"I would not run away. Marriage and I ... have never been a good combination so far and - and yes, I'm a bit scared because this - this between us means too much to me to risk anything. But ... I would not run away."

A long moment Webb simply continued to look at her then he nodded once.

"That's good enough for me."

"Really?"

Suddenly nervous Mac searched his face, afraid of how much she was asking. She saw a tiny smile play around the corner of Webb's mouth.

"Really," confirmed he softly.

And the painful knot in Mac's stomach finally disappeared as she saw the truth in his eyes, his love no longer hidden behind walls of self-control and darkness. Swallowing she made a reluctant step then another. Webb's eyes never left her as she slowly crossed the rest of the room and squatted down in front of him, got on one knee. Their hands met on his thigh, gentle at first, hesitant then clasping tightly around each other.

A smile touched Mac's lips and Webb smiled back and then they were chuckling softly for no particular reason before they grew serious again.

It was impossible to tell who started it but Mac lifted her chin as he bent towards her, both of them angling their heads a bit as they moved closer. An endless moment they paused, staring at each other, their breath a soft caress on the other one's skin. And as their lips finally met in a kiss that answered any silent question that might have been left Mac closed her eyes and suddenly remembered something someone had told her a long, long time ago...

That life can only make you an offer. But the rest is always up to you.


The End


Author's note: A HUDGE thank you for your reviews.