STAR WARS
Episode 7:
The Return of Obi-Wan
A long time ago, in a galaxy
Far, far away--------wait that's
the wrong story, rewind.
yrots gnorw eht s'taht tiaw-------yawa raf, raf yxalag a ni oga emit gnol A.
I mean, a while ago in Scotland…..
Scene 1.
Enter Doctor, wearing an "I love Derry" top hat and Haldir, elf warrior from The Lord of the Rings.
DOCTOR: Hmm, her chart is very peculiar. Man, would you look at it?
HALDIR: I'm alive!
Takes chart and looks it over. Suddenly an arrow shoots through the room.
Haldir gets shot.
Oh dear, not again.
Dies. Yet again.
DOCTOR: Interesting…..very interesting.
Enter Lady Macbeth, repeating both parts of "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast, with a bow and arrow in her hands.
LADY MACBETH: (LeFou's part) I got it Gaston! Wow! You didn't miss a shot, Gaston! You're the greatest hunter in the whole world!
(Gaston's part) I know.
(LeFou's part) No beast alive stands a chance against you---
Looks at doctor, wild eyed.
Gaston! My husband! O poor fate which leads the beast Macduff to him.
DOCTOR:…..what?
LADY MACBETH: Okey dokey.
DOCTOR: Incomprehensive…that's….special.
Lady Macbeth is singing around the room.
LADY MACBETH: Chasing the butterflies! Chasing the butterflies!
Ghost of Haldir appears
DOCTOR: Haldir, I know what she needs.
GHOST OF HALDIR: A haircut!
Doctor was not paying attention, even though he made the statement, and continued to doodle on a piece of paper.
DOCTOR: Huh, what?
Lady Macbeth pulls out onion rings and throws them in the air.
LADY MACBETH: BLOOD! BLOOD! OYE WITH THE POODLES AGAIN!
DOCTOR: She is, in fact, insane.
Lady Macbeth blinks, as if coming out of a daze.
LADY MACBETH: Uh….¿Qué pasa? Dum dum dum……Whhhhooooooottttttt….Potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined.
GHOST OF HALDIR: So, what do we do now?
DOCTOR: Aren't you dead?
GHOST OF HALDIR: No!
Ghost disappears.
DOCTOR: My' lady, you need your rest.
Lady Macbeth clearly isn't paying attention.
DOCTOR: I, uh must…do something.
Exits quickly.
Scene 2
Enter Menteith, Caithness, Angus, Lennox, and soldiers.
ANGUS: singing and dancing a song from Chicago.
Come on babe, why don't we take the town.
OTHER SOLDIERS: And all that jazz!
CAITHNESS: Great idea, bull! Let's meet somewhere.
LENNOX: Over the rainbow!
ANGUS: No! We must meet in the forest, because that's what we are supposed to do.
CAITHNESS: Do ba dee dee salami.
MENTEITH: Come! Let's meet Malcolm.
ALL: We're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Oz!
Exit skipping.
Scene 3.
Enter Doctor, Macbeth, and servants.
MACBETH: Have no fear!
Does a little spin and changes into a superman costume.
Superman is here!
Enter Servant.
SERVANT: There are ten thousand.
MACBETH: Soldiers?
SERVANT: No, cows sir. You told me to count them.
MACBETH: Villains! They stole them from us precious! Leave me!
Paces around room.
Seyton…..Seyton?...SEYTON!
Enter Seyton.
SEYTON: Whhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttt?
MACBETH: Slave! Come when I call you! I want to get rid of these Barbies once and for all! I need my armor!
SEYTON: Um….sir it's a little too soon.
MACBETH: You and your pride man! I will put it on! Oh yeah how's my wife?
DOCTOR: She's sleepwalking, and yelling incomprehensive sentences, but with a little work she will be fine.
MACBETH: Erase her memory….to uh clear her mind of….evilness….yes….that makes sense…..make her a fembot!
Enter more servants with an Elvis costume.
MACBETH: Thank you, thank you very much.
Scene 4
REBEL FORCES: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
MALCOLM: My lemons! Men of Scotland, of England, my brothers. I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the world of men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! By all that is good on this earth I bid you, stand, Men of the West!
REBEL FORCES: …..
MALCOLM: ….
Insert scene:
Scene 4.5
At the edge of Birnam Wood, lumberjacks are hard at work cutting down trees for Macbeths new sleigh bed. Suddenly the trees fall and roll up the hill to the castle. Dum dum dum…..
Scene 5.
Enter Macbeth, Seyton, and soldiers.
MACBETH: Ah, Smitty, this is toooo easy. We will win! I WILL still BE KING! STICK WITH ME, AND YOU'LL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN!
SOLDIERS: Long live the king Scar! Be prepared!
A cry of women.
MACBETH: BARNEY! See what that was.
SEYTON: Who sir?
MACBETH: You. Seyton equals Satan equals Barney. It's scientifically proven that Barney is Satan. I'm not lying.
Barney-I mean Seyton exits.
MACBETH: Hurry back, my valiant steed.
Seyton returns with a plate of cookies.
SEYTON: Sir, I'm sorry to say that your wife is-
MACBETH: Oo! Cookies! Mine!
Macbeth eats cookies.
Enter a messenger.
MESSENGER: Sir! The woods are approaching! Beware! They are attacking the castle!
MACBETH: Uh oh.
SEYTON: Sir, we must stand our ground.
Macbeth vanished, only to leave a swirl of dust.
SETYON AND MESSENGER: Leftovers!
Scene 6
Enter Macbeth
MACBETH:…No one is here.
Enter Young Siward.
YOUNG SIWARD: Who are you?
MACBETH: "Luke, I am your father."
YOUNG SIWARD: What?
MACBETH: You were born of a woman! Die!
They fight, and Young Siward dies.
MACBETH: Ha hahahahahah Now Hogwarts is mine.
He exits.
Enter Macduff, Malcolm and Siward.
Macduff looks at the body.
MACDUFF: Looks like old Shelobs been having a bit of fun.
MALCOLM: We have won the castle! Peaches will be saved! Macbeth will rule no longer!
Scene 7
Enter Macbeth
MACBETH: (checking Rolex and stomping foot)
Enter Macduff in a cape and mask, like the Phantom of the Opera
MACDUFF: Ah ha! I found you! I win, you lose, I win I win, you lose. I win, you lose, I win, I win , you lose.
MACBETH: You will not defeat me!
MACDUFF: Wanna bet?
MACBETH: Why am I your lightning rod of hate?
RUSSEL CROWE: Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. And he will have his vengeance, in this life or the next.
They fight.
MACBETH: No man born of woman shall defeat me!
Suddenly a figure jumps out of the shadows and stabs Macbeth, mortally wounding him.
MACBETH: What? Impossible? But no man can defeat me?
Figure takes off helmet. It's Eowyn!
EOWYN: I am no man!
Epilogue.
Malcolm becomes king and Scotland is balanced once again. However, evil clones sprung out of no where! What did they do?
It turns out that:
Obi-Wan Kenobi (the newly returned Ewan McGregor) and the Jedi's flew across the galaxies in order to save the Scottish people. Of course, they won because they are Jedi's. And then they had a whole party were everyone danced and Mel Gibson sang the anthem for Scotland.
MEL GIBSON: FFFREEEEEDDDDOOOOOMMMM!
